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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think step-parebts get a rough deal on MN!

65 replies

girlie123 · 09/08/2017 16:34

Just that really...

Whenever step-parebts put something on here about their step-choldren, my god are they put in their place!!

We are supposed to care for them, do stuff for them, but stuff for them like we do our own children. However, We must have no say in what they do, how they do it, have an opinion on how many times they sleep over etc, and heaven forbid if we ever attempt to tell them off or plan something for them!

OP posts:
Oswin · 09/08/2017 18:06

Yeah lots of posters trot this out to back up an unreasonable sp.

There's bloody loads of step-parents on here who I admire.

Then you read some posts that make you feel so angry. There's a thread in step parenting at the moment. Op flounced. Because she could see nothing wrong with not allowing her step children in there own fathers house because they gave her a funny look. Ffs.

Take what you see in your op about sp having an opinion on when the kids stay. Well if I met a man and he had an opinion on when my child was in the houdr I would get rid.

Is it your dps home? Then it is his children's.

PutItOnYourPancake · 09/08/2017 18:07

@Idohaveaname no, of course they don't and why would we expect them to? As a result, they are often trying their best to navigate their way through a really complex situation, come on here for advice and support and get slaughtered and often told that their views, thoughts and feelings are totally unimportant and that the children must be placed 'first' without any rational consideration of what that actually means or how best to resolve the situation so that the children aren't hurt but the SP is also given due consideration (unless ofc they are genuinely being unreasonable and wicked stepmother-like!). There is so much fear that SDCs will feel unwanted or rejected and this often ŕesults in dysfunctional thinking, imo.

JacquesHammer · 09/08/2017 18:09

I respond to a lot of step-parent threads.

I never criticise for being a step-parent. I am however honest, so if a step-parent is being unreasonable, then it's totally ok to say that.

I have a lot of admiration for step-parents. My DD's is utterly wonderful.

PutItOnYourPancake · 09/08/2017 18:10

I do totally agree though that sometimes SPs are genuinely behaving unreasonably... I just think they do also sometimes get an unfair bearing from some people.

JacquesHammer · 09/08/2017 18:11

What does my head in is when the stepkids come over to visit dad but dad isn't even there the whole weekend and stepmum should give her life up to provide free childcare even when she has other obligations or a job because she knew that he had children. I'm all for stepmums spending time with the kids but they shouldn't be used when dad doesn't do his bit

Absolutely. But if dad can't do his usual contact time it is dad's responsibility to find an alternative surely?

ChevalierTialys · 09/08/2017 18:15

Step-parenting is purely about walking on eggshells the entire time SDC are in the house and often when they are not as well as when dealing with SDC's other parents. Posting on AIBU about step-parenting issues is like asking to be torn a new arsehole.

When I have posted about my DSD it has always been because we as a family are having problems but however clearly I try to explain that I love her and am not 'secretly resentful'/'jealous'/'treating her differently to my bio DC', I have still been accused of these things. Almost every thread I've ever posted asking for help with blended family issues have been derailed by people arguing over whether I'm a shit step mother or not, often without any helpful advice being given.

I don't post about this stuff anymore because of this but I do mention DSD fairly often in my posts on other threads. Sometimes positive, sometimes negative, depending on the thread and what hi-jinks she's been up to lately.

DSD can be an angel or a rotter, like any other child. Just this weekend she behaved absolutely wonderfully, with so much patience and courtesy we bought her a treat to reward her. Then when DP went on the PC he found she'd been watching videos she had been expressly forbidden from on YouTube while she was playing Minecraft. (She's not allowed on YouTube, only Netflix kiddie version with agreement about what she will watch). I dont start threads about how to handle this sort of thing because I'm sure I'll be flamed for daring to consider the discipline of a child that's not mine. If I call her DSD I get flamed, whereas calling her DD gets no such response.

Sorry fornthebwaffling post. Yes I agree, step parents get a raw deal on here.

aramintafatbottom · 09/08/2017 18:19

thing is that they don't love or care for their step-children as they would their own

Loving and caring are two different things. Do i care for my ss the same as I do ds? Of course I do. Same treatment all round.

Do i love him the same way? No. And I don't think I could. I came Into his life when he was 8. I might feel differently had he been younger. There is love there, like I'd have got a cousin or nephew maybe. I certainly care for him and about him but I (and probably quite a lot of other step parents) would be lying if I said I loved them exactly the same.

It would be shitty if I treated them differently because of that, but I (and most other step parents) dont. So that's ok.

It's a minefield being a step parent. An utterly thankless job especially when the child's actual parents don't get on and one/both of them doesn't pull their weight.

If I split up with dp would I do it again?

No. Never ever.

HateIsNotGood · 09/08/2017 18:22

MN is pretty inclusive - there's a specific thread for SPs. The forum is called Mumsnet and whilst everyone is welcome here, the majority are Mums. The majority (but by no means all) of these 'Mums' have the responsibility for the majority of the care for their Dc. Many Mums here are also LPs or repartnered and have their own, often negative' views' of anything exDP.

So SPs will get a raw deal on probability alone, and 100% anyone on AIBU will. Personally, I wish my DS had an SP but, given that his DF decided to fuck him off when he was 12 (nearly 16 now), he might have an SP who could be great but he/we will never know.

brightlightceiling · 09/08/2017 18:23

Jacques

Exactly, but that doesn't mean it has to be stepmum or otherwise she is a shit person.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 09/08/2017 18:23

I think it's worth remembering that no one posts on MN when things are going great. People post here asking for advice and having a general whinge. Yes, there are those who always dump on stepmothers/ MIL and there are people who extrapolate their own situations on to other posters. And there are those who act like assholes because they are assholes (that goes for stepmothers/ MILs and MNers).

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 09/08/2017 18:24

Step-parenting is purely about walking on eggshells the entire time SDC are in the house and often when they are not as well as when dealing with SDC's other parents

You say crap like that and complain that you're given a "raw deal" on here? Grin

JacquesHammer · 09/08/2017 18:25

Exactly, but that doesn't mean it has to be stepmum or otherwise she is a shit person

It isn't that straightforward though is it?

Absolutely agree it doesn't have to be the stepmum but if there wasn't another option and she refused to do it, THAT would make her a shit person wouldn't it?

aramintafatbottom · 09/08/2017 18:28

You say crap like that and complain that you're given a "raw deal" on here

Crap like What??

It's true. You can try your absolute hardest. Go in with the best intentions. Try and please everyone, be an absolute Angel with the children and you will still be upsetting at least 1 person most of the time.

Sometimes you just can't do right for doing wrong.

It's not easy to walk into a child's life or them walk into yours. You have to get used to each other and you can leave it as long as you want before moving in 4 years here before full time and it will still hit all of you like a ton of bricks.

JacquesHammer · 09/08/2017 18:29

It's not easy to walk into a child's life or them walk into yours

You always, always have a choice though right?

aramintafatbottom · 09/08/2017 18:30

You do have a choice yes. But a lot of the time you visiting the children goes excellently and you think yes this could work. And then the child moves in full time, or you do and it's a whole different kettle of fish. Plus you might not want to break up your otherwise good relationship because of it. Your choice might be to work on it bit it doesn't make it easy

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/08/2017 18:33

In my view heaps of men start second families when they could only afford the first family which is morally very wrong indeed. They either leave the tax payer to support the first family (i./e, me and others who work full time) or else they leave the first wife to do so. They should not be having the second family at all.

This is one of the causes of SPs getting a hard time

ghostyslovesheets · 09/08/2017 18:36

honestly? I find people who behave badly, act like diva's or try and belittle other people - especially children get treated like shit - regardless of their 'status' as MIL/Step Parent etc

EmpressoftheMundane · 09/08/2017 19:11

I have seen a balance of opinions. You cannot expect everyone to always agree with you. Generally, step parents get support when they are being reasonable and get pulled up when they aren't; just like everyone else on here.

pandarific · 09/08/2017 19:15

YANBU. It's like a weird outpouring of bitterness/aggression on a what must seem like a safe target. I tend to judge the bittermcbitterpants.

PandorasXbox · 09/08/2017 19:16

Yes some seem to do. Not anywhere near as the hatred the MILs get though.

MrsDustyBusty · 09/08/2017 19:17

Well, one thing reading the step parenting threads has given me is a determination to make sure my child doesn't end up with step parents. I've read step mothers who want to disinfect the house after what they call "skids" have had their time. Women who can't bear the fact that the child looks and smells like her mother. These are the extreme, of course, but often there's a general sense that these little strangers invade someone else's home.

The idea of sending my little girl to that is terrifying.

pandarific · 09/08/2017 19:18

BoneyBackJefferson are you defending the fact that SPs get a hard time on MN for no other reason than they are stepparents? That's not particularly fair if so.

aramintafatbottom · 09/08/2017 19:25

I have seen a balance of opinions. You cannot expecteveryoneto always agree with you. Generally, step parents get support when they are being reasonable and get pulled up when they aren't; just like everyone else on here

Sometimes yes but sometimes you get pulled up on things you wouldn't if they were your biological child. Like there have been threads that are called things like my ds is driving me mad. A lot of responses are supoortive oh all kids go through that phase it's normal don't worry about it you're doing great. But if you wrote the exact same thread about the exact same issue but you put dss - you would not get half as much support. Much more why are you getting involved or you're not involved enough or you knew what you were letting yourself in for which nobody actually does or why are you trying to be their mum or I feel sorry for you step kids because you clearly hate them.

You're expected to put up with frankly sometimes awful behaviour from your step kids that you just wouldn't put up with from your own kids. It's bizarre!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 09/08/2017 19:34

I think generally YANBU they get a rougher time than if a parent posted the same problem. But some step parents do comes across badly now and again.

What bothers me is "are you the OW OP?". Why does that always get asked?!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 09/08/2017 19:35

Oh and yes to expecting step parents to fork out money like it was their own children but NEVER discipline them. WTF