Help me, anyone??

[nigglydoubts]

Posting here for traffic. Ok, I'm new to this and hope to Christ I'm not outed.

Bear with me please.
I've been with my DH for nearly 20years, married 10 this year. We have 2 DC (under 10). DH is self employed and I'm a SAHM.

DH bought his home while I was still at uni so mortgage and deeds in his name. When I graduated and found work we didn't bother changing anything mortgage wise. He paid mortgage and household bills were paid by me or both of us (food, e.g.).

Fast forward through the years. We get married and set up joint accounts etc, but my husband will not change mortgage or deeds into both names. We are married 10 years and this has been an ongoing 'discussion' of ours. I don't understand it. I'm upset by it. The most upsetting thing for me is he always says things like "we're married, you're entitled to half of what's mine if we split...what does it matter whose name is on the deeds?!...if we split up you'd still get half...if we divorced you'll still get x...."

I find this quite hurtful. The thought of divorce or half of this or that is not on my mind. For me, it's a sign of commitment i guess. A natural thing to do. Isn't it? I don't understand why he won't do it?? When I express this he says "ok we'll change it next renewal cycle" when that comes around it's always an excuse as to why we can't do it.

Why is he like this? Has anyone else experienced this? He is the breadwinner and controls most of our finances. I run house and lions share of care for the children (He is a fantastic dad!). He gives me money weekly (after a looong battle for him to do so!). I'm not a frivolous spender and at times feel guilty when I do buy anything as I feel I haven't 'earned' the money myself.

There's a niggle in my heart and I can't shift it. I don't feel like I'm an equal in the relationship in his eyes. He says this is not true, but I don't believe him. I'm so sad at the moment. I don't even know what I'm expecting posting, but I can't shift this feeling of doubt and confusion. Guess it just helps to write it down somewhere.

Any advice is so appreciated. Ask me any other questions and I'll try to answer as much as I safely can.

I'm in exactly the same situation I'm a sahm he is self employed. Only it really dosnt bother me as like you dh says when married it's almost irrelevant who bought the house or car's its a marital asset. We purposely kept me free of this property as we plan to buy another investment one in my name.

I'm married but not on the mortgage. But I'd always said if we did ever divorce, I wouldn't want the house or for it to be sold for me to have a share. The house is my husband's and has been on his family since it was built in the 50's.

In his Will the house is left to me so if he does first, I get the house and it will then pass to my child when I die. If I die first, the house will go to my child when my DH does.

To me, the biggest commitment is marriage and you have that so the your entitled to a share of that house through death or divorce.

Ps have you thought to working part time also? I do some self employed bits here and there not for the money as he is very generous but just so I feel like I'm earning something. Do not undervalue your role as sahm though it's has work and your entitled to spend money if you want!

I've never been on the deeds / mortgage in any house we've owned , we are now mortgage free , it really is not something that bothers me in the slightest .

Thank you for your responses! @Raver84 I know you're right. I always feel because I'm not earning the actual money that I'm lesser somehow. Writing that I'm seeing it's more my view on myself than his. I do my very best with my DC and it is so hard at times.

We're married, and I'm not on the deeds.
It would cost money to put me on the deeds, which seemed unnecessary given we are married, have a child, and live in England.

I work part time.

Thank you. I feel better knowing this. I imagined every wife was added to deeds etc as a done thing. I'll take a breath and try to let it go.

Unfortunately if you have no income the bank might not allow you no the mortgage or allow the deeds to be altered.

I thought it didn't make any difference as it a marital asset. Then I was told that this isn't entirely correct and if you divorce it's counted as a marital asset but if he dies it's his and forms part of his estate.

No! Get it sorted

This is my friend - He left - moved abroad and has a new family

House is in his name - he insures the house and she can't claim on it - it all has to go via him - she can't insure the property as she doesn't own it - so currently not insured other than contents

She can't sell the house or move as it's in his name

He's responsible for the council Tex etc as it's in his name - he doesn't pay it - constant knock at the he door

The house is paid off - but if it was mortgaged she'd be living from month to month not knowing if he's paid it

House repairs get left as he's not interested - roof partial collapse anyone?

He doesn't pay maintenance

She can't claim hosing benifit as there no mortgage

She can't force sale - as she has no legal rights

It's an in going bloody nightmare

Have another think

TBH it wouldn't bother me not being on the deeds BUT what would bother me is your husbands refusal to do something that means so much to you.

That is true jellybeanz. Op would also need to be sure that if her DH has made a Will that it leaves the house to her (and not someone else) although I'm pretty sure she could contest any Will that didn't leave the marital home to her.

My DF & DM were married for 65 years. It is only when DF died that I discovered that the marital home was in DF's name only - but had been left to DM in the Will. DM never worked after marriage due to bringing up 3 children and then poor health. The only reason that the house was in the sole name of DF was because DM had just given birth to me when they completed on the house so wasn't convenient for DM to go and sign the paperwork.

I don't think it's a big deal if you're on the deeds or not. There is something you can legally pay for (very little) that basically registers you and doesnt allow your DH to sell (for a pound) the house from under you without you receiving a legal notice.

More worrying is that you had to fight with him to get an allowance of the family money that he happens to earn. That is seriously worrying!!!

Problem is you cannot change the deeds without the banks say so, they won't a person on the mortgage that cannot pay that is why they won't allow me to go on my husbands deeds.

I am thinking of leaving my husband and it worries me greatly about the house it's in his and his mothers names, I am worried he will want to stay in it as the family home and I cannot force a sale.

As it's him and the MIL on the deeds I am not sure what to do but I had a meeting a few weeks ago and in no way would the bank allow it.

I agree with greentulips. Me and DH got wills made together recently and I was amazed at how careful you have to be, and how people can use the law against you.

There is something you can legally pay for (very little) that basically registers you and doesnt allow your DH to sell (for a pound) the house from under you without you receiving a legal notice.

It's free. You fill in a form from the Land Registry website to register something called "home rights" or something like that.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

It seems to be on the government website.

Sure he can't sell it but I can't force him to sell it either, he will just continue to live in it and I get nothing while having to look for a job and pay rent.

It seems that this isnt just about the house but his attitude overall. You had to fight for your own money and he really does see what he earns as his and only his.

Time to get a job and keep every damn penny of it to yourself until he agrees to properly joined finances.

I would hate to be in your situation, which is why I am not a SAHM.

It is hard to negotiate when you earn no cash of your own. have you thought about getting a job so you can start to build up some financial independence?

Its very hard to start making new rules 20 years into a relationship alas - you kind of have to have financial independence built in, because otherwise it is exponentially hard to change things later on.

I'm one of those who has not put his partner on the deeds to my house (note I say my house) however she is the only person named in my will.

Back story is when I divorced my wife bought me out (we had no DCs)
and I had just over £150k to put down on my new place, shortly after my DP moved in she was knocked down, left disabled so has never been able to pay into the 'pot'. If she were ever to see sense and leave me, I would help set her up in a place, but not sure she should get more than that.
Ready to get flamed !

Problem is you cannot change the deeds without the banks say so, they won't a person on the mortgage that cannot pay that is why they won't allow me to go on my husbands deeds
Did the bank say this or your husband? There are lots of wives or husbands who don't earn but are on the deeds/mortgages so it sounds strange to me.
I've just done a mortgage application - my income is all over the place so we managed to just put it through on OHs income. It will still be a joint mortgage on a jointly owned house (tenants in common).

Coupled with the fact you've said you had to fight to get him to give you money, then this is worrying. He might say it doesn't matter, but his actions are screaming that it matters very much to him.

Otherwise, if it doesn't matter, why wouldn't he take those steps to reassure you? You're feeling insecure over something he has the power to change, but he's dismissing your feelings.

He has an attitude towards money that would make me uncomfortable with not having my name on anything.....

How can he be a fantastic dad when he is giving you 'pocket money' rather making you an equal partner in family finances. I wouldn't put up with his infantalising behaviour for 5 minutes.