Help me, anyone??

[nigglydoubts]

Posting here for traffic. Ok, I'm new to this and hope to Christ I'm not outed.

Bear with me please.
I've been with my DH for nearly 20years, married 10 this year. We have 2 DC (under 10). DH is self employed and I'm a SAHM.

DH bought his home while I was still at uni so mortgage and deeds in his name. When I graduated and found work we didn't bother changing anything mortgage wise. He paid mortgage and household bills were paid by me or both of us (food, e.g.).

Fast forward through the years. We get married and set up joint accounts etc, but my husband will not change mortgage or deeds into both names. We are married 10 years and this has been an ongoing 'discussion' of ours. I don't understand it. I'm upset by it. The most upsetting thing for me is he always says things like "we're married, you're entitled to half of what's mine if we split...what does it matter whose name is on the deeds?!...if we split up you'd still get half...if we divorced you'll still get x...."

I find this quite hurtful. The thought of divorce or half of this or that is not on my mind. For me, it's a sign of commitment i guess. A natural thing to do. Isn't it? I don't understand why he won't do it?? When I express this he says "ok we'll change it next renewal cycle" when that comes around it's always an excuse as to why we can't do it.

Why is he like this? Has anyone else experienced this? He is the breadwinner and controls most of our finances. I run house and lions share of care for the children (He is a fantastic dad!). He gives me money weekly (after a looong battle for him to do so!). I'm not a frivolous spender and at times feel guilty when I do buy anything as I feel I haven't 'earned' the money myself.

There's a niggle in my heart and I can't shift it. I don't feel like I'm an equal in the relationship in his eyes. He says this is not true, but I don't believe him. I'm so sad at the moment. I don't even know what I'm expecting posting, but I can't shift this feeling of doubt and confusion. Guess it just helps to write it down somewhere.

Any advice is so appreciated. Ask me any other questions and I'll try to answer as much as I safely can.

I believe that as you're his wife you'd be entitled to half the value of the property if, God forbid, you should part. If you were simply living together you'd be on a sticky wicket as a 'common law' wife as this doesn't really exist in legal terms.

When we first married the deeds of the house were termed 'Mr M C and wife' but subsequently this was altered to my name.

I'm not sure what would happen if you were widowed in the aforementioned situation - there are quite enough legal hoops to jump through sadly.

Problem is you cannot change the deeds without the banks say so, they won't a person on the mortgage that cannot pay that is why they won't allow me to go on my husbands deeds

Are you sure? I thought loads of SAHMs were on the deeds

Bank, he and MIL had the house 5 years before he met me, they won't alter it to add me when I have no means to pay if they need to come after me. It is different as you are setting a new mortgage but they won't alter his old one.

I am worried as his mother is person the house is left to in his will as it was done as the co bought it and she put in a big amount as deposit. Even if I leave his can I try claim 50% as the split according to him is the house is 70% his mothers and 30% his as tenants in common so he says I cannot.

It is difficult to add a sahm to deeds. As they arent earning.

Most sahms that have been added will have been working when added.

He gives me money weekly (after a looong battle for him to do so!).

This worries me. I cannot understand how an apparently reasonable man could withhold money from his wife and children. Why was there a battle needed? TBH, if someone refuses to give their partner money whilst they are supposed to be supporting them financially, to me this is financial abuse, and controlling, and wrong.

I'm not a frivolous spender and at times feel guilty when I do buy anything as I feel I haven't 'earned' the money myself.

This is understandable. And wrong. You should not feel guilty, but I understand where you're coming from. You are working at looking after your/his children and home. This enables him to work. You are earning money by doing this.

There's a niggle in my heart and I can't shift it. I don't feel like I'm an equal in the relationship in his eyes. He says this is not true, but I don't believe him.

You're not equal. Get your name on the deeds if you can. I worry he won't let you. That proves that you ARE unequal. But, are you able to accept this? A lot of women do. I feel for you. You feel powerless. To an extent he's holding the power.

I would just add that we have a joint credit card which I pay off every month and I never question what she chooses to put on it !

Even if I leave his can I try claim 50% as the split according to him is the house is 70% his mothers and 30% his as tenants in common so he says I cannot.

Your situation is different from the Ops as her mil doesnt own most of the house.

As i understand it. You would only get a share of his part. Butbit may be worth starting your own thread to get advice. The legal board is very good here.

I'd missed the part about him having control of the finances , bugger that , you need equal access to the accounts . I control and do all the finances here , dh has only actually had a debit card for our main current acct for about 3 years as I needed one with his name on for buying something and he never carries it . We've been married 28 yrs and I only ever worked very pt and gave up completely 2 yrs ago .

My Dad would not add Mum to the deeds but when they moved he did. He was financially controlling but your OH sounds pretty decent but maybe he has a blind spot.
Actually, he is right. You would get half the property. On divorce.
But seeing as you are not divorcing don't worry.
It does sound a bit upsetting for you, and I can understand that. However I think it is okay. If in doubt make a little phone call to Citizen's Advice,

Anyone who says you can't be on the deeds without being on the mortgage is dead wrong. You absolutely can. But as a rule you can't be on the mortgage without being on the deeds, because the lender wants to know they have foreclosure and eviction as weapons in case you stop paying.

OP I'd advise you (or anyone in this position) to seek legal advice. A couple hundred quid for a solicitor's advice might save you a huge headache down the line. Especially if the house was bought pre-marriage.

This might sound a bit morbid but if he's not going to add your name to the deeds then I would make sure he has made a will and made it clear that the house is to be left to you. That way if, heaven forbid, something happens to him, you and your children are protected. Don't rely on it all going to you if he dies intestate, we're sorting out a family estate at the moment where that was assumed with one of the parties and it hasn't been anywhere near as straightforward as you might think!

The only thing that would bother me about not being on the house deeds would be if this made it possible for dh to use the house as security for a loan without me knowing.

Its only me on the deeds to our house as I was working FT while dh was self employed and it worked out better for the mortgage at the time. He's never asked to be put on, probably doesn't even remember, and I've never really given it a second thought. As we are married I assumed he is entitled to half anyway if we split.

On the other hand, if he did ask we would look into it and then decide the best way forward together. You do seem to be "told what to do" regarding this and financial matters which I would not accept.

I think if you separated it would be a joint asset regardless.

But it's very suspicious that he wants to keep it in his name. And it doesn't say much about his respect for you as an equal.

Fwiw I am on the deeds and mortgage of my home jointly owned with ex. I had been a SAHM several years when we bought this house.

I'd second the advice to see a solicitor. Are you able to spend a couple of hundred quid without it causing a problem?

nigglydoubts he does not sound a fanatasic dad or a fantastic man.

I think Acrossthepond is right, "OP I'd advise you (or anyone in this position) to seek legal advice. A couple hundred quid for a solicitor's advice might save you a huge headache down the line. Especially if the house was bought pre-marriage."

I'd also advise you to look at the relationship and see if you are happy. You don't sound it and take steps to ensure your happiness in your relationship. This may mean working part time or full time and paying for childcare from your joint assets etc. Your dh may not like all these changes, so before you start make sure you know you are an equal in the relationship, and so should be treated as one. Without you he would not have the adorable kids or someone to look after them, the support at home etc.

But more than that I am sure he is more than a pay cheque to you and you should be more than child care to him.

Please find your voice, work out what you want and find a way to articulate in an assertive way how to get what you need from this marriage.

@XJerseyGirlX and @BeeFarseer yes! This! Why doesn't he change something that is important to me and reassuring to me?

I'm a SAHM too, but my name is on the deeds and we have a joint account. We didn't discuss it, it was just assumed. It's easier for me, though, because I had money of my own from an inheritance so I didn't feel unequal.

I think it is important to feel comfortable with whatever financial arrangements you have. But you must never feel unequal, OP, if you weren't at home looking after the DCs he wouldn't be able to do his job. But maybe you'll be happier with a part-time job.

Have you told him how unhappy this makes you, if it's really important to you, he should be prepared to put things in joint names. It is more convenient if you can write cheques in your own name.

Actually it does need to be sorted. If the worst happens it does cause problems with Probate. My FIL died in a car accident and the property was in his sole name, which did cause problems for my DH to help his DM sort out.

We have wills made out to each other if the worst happens and to the DC if worst happens to both of us. This is what makes it more infuriating and confusing.

The withholding money thing. It simmered on with me asking for money when I needed xyz, until I had DC2 and I snapped. His attitude has changed a great deal in this regard now. There was a massive talk about it and I explained explicitly how controlling and undermining he had been and I called him out on being an emotional bully! He was very upset and said he was ashamed of himself for making me feel like that.

He comes from a family very money-minded with one parent horribly penny pinching in character! I said as much to him and said that was his life then but this is his life now and if it didn't change DC and I would be gone! I can access the accounts whenever I choose to now. When I ask to see anything specific, he shows it to me and explains what I need clarified. I have access to his cc and do spend on it when I need to. He clears it without question (but the odd time will say 'steady on' half jokingly, which I ignore!)

@Italiangreyhound Thank you. I am finding my voice. I'm not a shrinking violet so I don't know why I've been behaving like one! I'm not now.

@Badconversationalist I will take your advice and that of pps. If me spending a couple of hundred quid becomes a problem then I've been proven right. I'm going to have another chat with DH. I want to be put on deeds for the house with the next month. I think 20yrs together and 10yrs of marriage is quite enough time.

I am a sahm and dh and I have just bought our first house. I am on the mortgage and deeds, wasn't a problem at all even though I have no income (in fact my child benefit payments helped in the mortgage application!!)

What are the implications for inheritance tax of not being co-owner?

www.blasermills.co.uk/even-if-my-name-isnt-on-the-property-deeds-do-i-have-any-rights/