Help me, anyone??

[nigglydoubts]

Posting here for traffic. Ok, I'm new to this and hope to Christ I'm not outed.

Bear with me please.
I've been with my DH for nearly 20years, married 10 this year. We have 2 DC (under 10). DH is self employed and I'm a SAHM.

DH bought his home while I was still at uni so mortgage and deeds in his name. When I graduated and found work we didn't bother changing anything mortgage wise. He paid mortgage and household bills were paid by me or both of us (food, e.g.).

Fast forward through the years. We get married and set up joint accounts etc, but my husband will not change mortgage or deeds into both names. We are married 10 years and this has been an ongoing 'discussion' of ours. I don't understand it. I'm upset by it. The most upsetting thing for me is he always says things like "we're married, you're entitled to half of what's mine if we split...what does it matter whose name is on the deeds?!...if we split up you'd still get half...if we divorced you'll still get x...."

I find this quite hurtful. The thought of divorce or half of this or that is not on my mind. For me, it's a sign of commitment i guess. A natural thing to do. Isn't it? I don't understand why he won't do it?? When I express this he says "ok we'll change it next renewal cycle" when that comes around it's always an excuse as to why we can't do it.

Why is he like this? Has anyone else experienced this? He is the breadwinner and controls most of our finances. I run house and lions share of care for the children (He is a fantastic dad!). He gives me money weekly (after a looong battle for him to do so!). I'm not a frivolous spender and at times feel guilty when I do buy anything as I feel I haven't 'earned' the money myself.

There's a niggle in my heart and I can't shift it. I don't feel like I'm an equal in the relationship in his eyes. He says this is not true, but I don't believe him. I'm so sad at the moment. I don't even know what I'm expecting posting, but I can't shift this feeling of doubt and confusion. Guess it just helps to write it down somewhere.

Any advice is so appreciated. Ask me any other questions and I'll try to answer as much as I safely can.

You have children and are married, so getting your name on the deeds is not a "bigger commitment" than either of those.

I own property in my name and have no intentions of putting my partners name on them. They will inherit them as is the law, but I see no reason to go through the hassle of changing deeds. I would find it a big turn off it my partner kept insisting I change them, especially if I had bought them while he was in uni. Saving a deposit is hard.

If not having your own money is getting you down, have you made a plan with timelines of when you intend returning to paid employment?

"Thank you. I am finding my voice. I'm not a shrinking violet so I don't know why I've been behaving like one! I'm not now."

Good to hear.

My husband is quite a bit older than me and owned his house before we married. To save any possible confusion in the future the house is now in my name, We paid a solicitor £350 but it was worth it for peace of mind. I have made a will leaving it to him if I go first.
-A girl needs some security-

@Mumof56, I hear what you're saying there. That does make sense. In our case, we bought our house together, we both had property to sell. But my DSIS had a DH who was in £17k in debt, and that was a nightmare to sort out when the marriage broke up.

Glad to hear you are not a shrinking violet.
Losing your voice can creep up on any of us, especially when you are a SAHM.

I think when your (very important) contribution to the family is taking care of the children it should be understandable to a partner than you need to feel valued and financially secure.

@Mumof56 maybe commitment wasn't the right word, but it's become more a sticking point than anything.
Your point "I would find it a big turn off it my partner kept insisting I change them, especially if I had bought them while he was in uni. Saving a deposit is hard." proves my point even more. Yours. Mine. We're married so it's Ours. That is my point.

I'm a SAHM because one of our DC is an extremely poorly child. I sacrificed my business for my DC. It's not the "not having my own money" that's getting to me! Perhaps I wasn't clear?

Slightly off topic, but still about money, but I really hope you have pension provision in your own name and are not relying on your husbands pension
If he dies before you many pension pots provide a tiny amount to a surviving spouse, and women are still living longer then men.

Really good to hear you are going to get yourself added to the deeds.

Thanks user, I actually have an appointment next week re:pensions. I do pay voluntary NI contributions as well (not that it'll matter much as things are!).

@nigglydoubts @Mumof56 maybe commitment wasn't the right word, but it's become more a sticking point than anything.
Your point "I would find it a big turn off it my partner kept insisting I change them, especially if I had bought them while he was in uni. Saving a deposit is hard." proves my point even more. Yours. Mine. We're married so it's Ours. That is my point
Does it? Well I'll ask you 2 things I would say to my other half if they asked.

1. Unless you are thinking of splitting up, why exactly does it matter? It'll be yours when I die

2. In the 10+ years between leaving uni and having children, why didn't you save up and buy your own house if being on the deeds of a house is so important to you? (you paid some bills but if you were renting you woukd have had bills +rent)

Anyone who thinks you can just be added to deeds or mortgage doesn't understand how mortgages work.

If you have two people on a joint mortgage, they are both jointly and severally liable for the mortgage. That means they owe it together, and if one doesn't pay then the other is responsible for all of it. And that means they have to have some ability to pay a mortgage. If they have zero income, banks will not allow them to be responsible for a mortgage that they cannot pay for. You need to be able to pass all income and credit requirements as if you were applying for a new mortgage.

www.landc.co.uk/insight/2014/11/adding-partners-or-spouses-onto-an-existing-mortgage/

You could start joking that 'you're not on the deeds so you need to divorce him well before he might kick the bucket if you want to be able to stay in the house.'

I have no income at all, sahm and my mortgage and deeds are just in my name.
Our home was mine before we got together and I wanted to keep it in my name at the start as I had put in all the money and until we had children I paid all bills and the mortgage as I saw it as just my responsibility.
We are now in the situation where we have children and I have decided to stay at home and my partner is now taking his turn and paying the mortgage and bills. As such I feel that he should be added to the deeds. We already have wills leaving everything to eachother.
He cannot be added to the deeds until we reach the mortgage renewal as the deeds need to be in the same names as the mortgage as this states who is responsible if the mortgage defaults. We cannot change the mortgage yet as we have a fixed rate with a redemption charge till Oct 2018.
So basically I can understand why OP husband is saying he needs to wait till the mortgage renewal date however come on, there's been renewals and he hasn't, you need to find out when the next renewal is and put your foot down if it really matters to you, however, it does mean that you need to change the deads, reapply for the mortgages again and with all new paperwork and details (can't just renew as its now a joint application) and it's a bit of a ball ache. Could it be that he just can't be bothered to have to do all the associated paperwork rather than anything else? Because I've got to be honest, I'm dreading it and if it wasn't for our fixed rate being up and wanting to borrow more for a back extension I wouldn't be bothering. If you break up you would be entitled to half anyway so I wouldn't be that fussed.

I have no income at all, sahm and my mortgage and deeds are just in my name

Ok, but at the time you got the mortgage you had an income. That is the point.

At renewal time she will not be able to go on the mortgage without passing credit and income checks. No income, no getting on mortgage.

notevernotnevernotnohow That's not correct. If you are married (or even living with a partner) and one has no income you are allowed to be on the mortgage. In fact several banks will be rather encouraging for you to add a spouse on if living at the address named on the mortgage even if they have no income as they are seen as a dependant and their credit rating is used against the partners to check for overall dependency.
We have just had two new offers through and they both have my partner and I on as joint owners and I have no income at all.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and respond.
@Mumof56 I find you a little obtuse tbh. Not that it's any of your business, but I had a great career in STEM, (did save and invested) I had to give it all up to stay at home with my ill child. I didn't need to buy a house of my own because we have a house.

That's interesting @HiJenny35 and the point was also made by @roofio87.
I talked to DH earlier this evening and he did say the exact words "it's such a ball acher going through it all, but you're right, we'll sort it"

😲😲😲😲 is he on MN??!!

I was too shocked to ask what or where the turnaround came from!! Still shocked.

@timeisnotaline 😂 just noticed your post!

Nigglydoubts you don't have to defend why you chose to stay at home. Some people have this belief that they are superior to stay at home mothers, let her believe it, sad really that someone would imply that OP should have gone back to work when she was raising their joint children.

@Hijenny35

I don't have anything against st am, no matter what you declare I believe.

She had 10+ years between uni and having children, plenty of time to buy a house if she wanted one.

Nigglydoubts I'm not your husband promise (where's my paper by the way???) only joking. I just keep putting off adding my OH as I really can't be bothered. I've just completed two new mortgage applications to include us both and it took hours let alone changing the deads and actually accepting one. I'm pretty sure that's all it is he sounds like a gooden.

😝 we've had our ups and downs like anyone would in 20years. We're happy together. DC was a bit slow in his understanding of supporting a spouse staying at home caring for DC, but he gets it now. I was chatting to a friend earlier (not on MN, tf!) and she said "at least he has changed and is now making an effort to do things the right way" which I have to agree with.
I now have to see this through and I'll be happier 😁

DH!!! DH was a bit slow. Although in earlier days felt very much like DC!!

I find it a little worrying that he has an excuse, every year, for not putting your name on the deeds - and that you have had to 'battle' for money, despite the fact that you are only not in paid employment because you need to care for a child with additional needs.
One way to work out what's going on here is to look at disposable income. Do you and your DH both get a similar amount to spend on yourselves (eg a book, a magazine, a new coat, a night out?) Or does he buy himself expensive toys while you have to ask his permission to buy a pair of shoes when yours have worn out?

It's prob pretty even, if not more on my side of spending (make-up/waxing/etc!). If he needs anything he'll actually say "I'm thinking of xyz, is that ok/what do you think?" if it's a big spend. He has relaxed ten-fold. I don't know if it's maturity, but he has changed. That's why the deeds thing baffles me.
We talked a lot about it last night and we'll sort things out when we get to next renewal. I'm taken aback because the last time I brought this up was over a year ago and his attitude was different. It has just been niggling at me so I wanted to ask advice without having to involve anyone close.

I'm so grateful to you all for your input and advice. I was petrified to post!