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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider going to wedding reception but not ceremony

62 replies

NameChangerDanger · 09/08/2017 14:08

I haven't made up my mind yet and want to do the best thing for the bride and groom, so I'm asking for some MN thoughts please.

We have a wedding coming up in a few months. I'm really looking forward to it, but am a bit worried about the logistics. Our 2 DS (2yo and 6mo) are both invited. The bride is a close colleague of DH and we sometimes see them socially also.

The ceremony is 2 hours away and starts at 12:30, so we'd be leaving home at 10am to give some contingency time. The ceremony will likely last an hour and the reception is then a 1 hour drive from there. We are staying at a hotel close to the venue on the night of the wedding and DCs will have a one-off late night so we'll be present for as much of the reception as we can.

I'd love to go to it all, but I am a bit concerned about DCs being in a car/ expected to sit still in the ceremony/ back in the car for 4 hours straight before the reception. I can see DH and me managing tantrums/wriggliness, not seeing much of the ceremony (we would of course remove DSs if necessary), being pretty stressed for the reception and potentially one or both of us having to leave early.

Staying close to the ceremony the night before is a potential option, but more expense. All 4 of us in a room for 2 nights in a row would probably be a bit of a nightmare too as I'm not sure DS1 will sleep through DS2's sleep grunting/wriggling/night feeding.

WIBU to ask the bride and groom if they'd mind if we headed straight for the reception? We'd be leaving home about 1:30 for a 2:30 start and would be pretty confident that both DSs would make it through until reasonably late in the evening, with few issues. They've done this before.

I would of course check, not just unexpectedly fail to show. I'm just not sure whether this could potentially offend or upset.

OP posts:

XJerseyGirlX · 09/08/2017 14:12

If you check I cant see the problem.

At my SIL wedding 6 people didn't make it to the church but managed to make it for the food... she was really offended especially as they didn't tell her or check.

GreenTulips · 09/08/2017 14:13

Leave earlier and let the kids have a run round/crawl - feed as necessary

You are forseeing issues they probably aren't really there -

chipscheeseandgravy · 09/08/2017 14:14

Personally this sounds a sensible option. I'm sure the bride and groom would rather that their day is not overshadowed by kids throwing a wobbler during the ceremony.
Don't forget it's an invite not a summons. Just make it clear that whilst you would love to attend the ceremony you don't think the kids would behave.
Alternatively, maybe your dh attend the ceremony on his own whilst you find a soft play for the kids and then either meet him at the venue (see if he can get a lift from church to venue) or pick him up and then join the celebrations for the rest of the day? You would probably need to get the kids changed at the venue, but if you've got a room that should be easy enough?

sqidsin · 09/08/2017 14:18

Personally I would find this a bit rude but maybe that's just me. I have 2 young children myself so understand the logistical challenges but I would suggest going to the ceremony (with the understanding that one of you - prob you as it's your husband's colleague - may need to step outside for some of it with the DC.

I'd then head straight to the reception venue and check into your rooms so that the children can have some downtime before the reception.

Original poster

NameChangerDanger · 09/08/2017 14:27

Oh dear, I don't think I can ask if anyone would genuinely think this was rude.

I would have said 'fine, we'd just love to see you and for you to enjoy the day too'. From what I've experienced, I think I was a very laid back bride though.

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Bemusedandpuzzled · 09/08/2017 14:35

I definitely wouldn't find this rude. I think if you say to the bride and groom "Look, we would love to see your beautiful wedding but I'm worried DS will howl all the way through and ruin your ceremony, so it might be more sensible if we just came to the reception" you'll probably get a quick agreement that this is the best plan .

Floralnomad · 09/08/2017 14:40

I'd think it's a bit rude , particularly as your dc have been invited and the bride and groom know how old they are so must realise they may not be perfectly behaved . One of you could always take the children outside during the ceremony if necessary , or at a push you get dropped at the hotel and dh goes to the ceremony and then picks you and the dc up for the reception . Surely the actual ceremony is the important part of the wedding , otherwise you may as well just go to the evening reception .

livefornaps · 09/08/2017 14:40

Send your husband to the ceremony and you & the boys meet him at the reception. Explain this to bride in terms of minimizing meltdowns.

Or go to all of it without your kids?

MrsOverTheRoad · 09/08/2017 14:44

Dress it as "We think they'd be disruptive due to the traveling time and ceremony and we're worried about that so we thought it best for us to arrive for the reception..."

livefornaps · 09/08/2017 14:44

Personally I'd be looking at where I could park my kids for the weekend. It's not like it's a family wedding. I imagine your husband's colleague barely knows your kids, if at all. If they don't come, you free up more space at the wedding for the bride and you get to actually let your hair down. The whole thing seems a bit of a faff otherwise, if i'm honest. Plus the people getting married actually want people there to see the ceremony.

Loopytiles · 09/08/2017 14:45

It'd be rude IMO for none of you to attend the ceremony. You could drop DH there and he could organise a lift to the reception, eg from a colleague, and meet you there?

I doubt attending the ceremony or not will make a difference to what time you need to leave the evening do.

coriliavijvaad · 09/08/2017 14:45

That sounds like a lovely day.

Could you possibly pack the night before, and leave at 9 instead of 10. Get to the rough vicinity of the wedding between 11 and 11:30 and go to a park or something to have a bit of fun time before the ceremony. Get to the church for 12:00 or soon after and break out the packed lunch (nothing too smeary). Hopefully then by 12:30 they will have just the right balance of fun and fed to be able to cope through the ceremony (or even nap in a buggy if you are lucky)

Kittychatcat · 09/08/2017 14:45

As long as you tell the couple I'm sure it will be ok. I always did this when my DCs were small and nobody minded (or nobody told me to my face!).

londonrach · 09/08/2017 14:47

I think abit rude as the ceremony is the whole reason you going. Just going to the reception you after the free meal and drinks. Sorry op.

Skarossinkplunger · 09/08/2017 14:47

Have you RSVP'd yet? If you have and you said you were going it would be rude to ask now as food may have been ordered. If not, I don't see the harm in asking.

Angelicinnocent · 09/08/2017 14:47

Would have been very upset if a small child had created a fuss during my wedding ceremony (wouldn't bat an eyelid these days now I've had my own) and while I would have been relieved of a parent had removed them, I would also have found it disruptive and rude.

Phrase it as pp suggested that you are worried about your DS ruining her day I'm sure she won't be offended. Rather she will be grateful you are being so considerate of her big day.

If she does say it will be fine, I'd really like you there, then it's down to her.

Twistmeandturnme · 09/08/2017 14:51

I think that you should book 2 nights near the reception: your DH should go to the ceremony while you run the kids round and feed them things you know they'll like; then they can be tired enough to be still for the meal/speeches. and all of you can enjoy the reception.

Original poster

NameChangerDanger · 09/08/2017 14:51

Would love to leave the DC at home, in fact we strongly hinted that we would like to, but the couple are rather fond of them. God knows why. I also think they are of the same school as me in thinking that kids make a wedding (except the screaming ones obv.) so I can understand that.

Okay, looks like we're going then. Please do an anti-rain dance for me so I'm not stood outside in the rain with my DC!

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChangerDanger · 09/08/2017 14:54

Will take the suggestions on leaving earlier, thanks and sacrifice getting my hair done. Sob!

OP posts:

Dustbunny1900 · 09/08/2017 14:54

Not rude at all, you have two young DC im sure they understand and will realize the logistics/effort required.
But I'd do the ceremony and skip the reception if I were to pick one.

elQuintoConyo · 09/08/2017 14:54

But surely the point of being a guest is seeing the actual ceremony?

I'd prefer that with small children than go straight to the face-stuffing/knees up/boring speeches part.

livefornaps · 09/08/2017 14:55

Poor you! In their place if you'd have suggested leaving them i'd've said "hell yeah!" because let's face it what essentially be a quick 'hello!' to a couple of kids they quite like on the day amounts to about x1000 times more work for you and a couple kids who will be bored most of the day and in future will have zilch memory of it.

But then I really don't think that kids make a wedding...!

livefornaps · 09/08/2017 14:57

And don't sacrifice getting your hair done, for God's sake! (Can't your husband tell them a little white lie that your kids have transformed into rabid mutants likely to bite & swear at all and sundry and for the sake of everyone the two of you should just go alone to ceremony & reception?)

Loopytiles · 09/08/2017 14:58

IMO the couple liking the DC isn't, given the logistics/risks of grumpy DC, sufficient reason to take them if you have the option to leave them at home. Going without the DC would be far better.

Original poster

NameChangerDanger · 09/08/2017 15:02

*But surely the point of being a guest is seeing the actual ceremony?

I'd prefer that with small children than go straight to the face-stuffing/knees up/boring speeches part*

As a bride, I quite liked the idea of very few people being at the ceremony. I'm quite shy. I also know DS1 will absolutely love the reception. Food and dancing are his favourite things!

That's the dilemma here though, too many possible ways that the bride and groom might see it. I actually think they'd be fine, but it is their day and I'm not going to risk upsetting them.

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