Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To consider going to wedding reception but not ceremony

62 replies

NameChangerDanger · 09/08/2017 14:08

I haven't made up my mind yet and want to do the best thing for the bride and groom, so I'm asking for some MN thoughts please.

We have a wedding coming up in a few months. I'm really looking forward to it, but am a bit worried about the logistics. Our 2 DS (2yo and 6mo) are both invited. The bride is a close colleague of DH and we sometimes see them socially also.

The ceremony is 2 hours away and starts at 12:30, so we'd be leaving home at 10am to give some contingency time. The ceremony will likely last an hour and the reception is then a 1 hour drive from there. We are staying at a hotel close to the venue on the night of the wedding and DCs will have a one-off late night so we'll be present for as much of the reception as we can.

I'd love to go to it all, but I am a bit concerned about DCs being in a car/ expected to sit still in the ceremony/ back in the car for 4 hours straight before the reception. I can see DH and me managing tantrums/wriggliness, not seeing much of the ceremony (we would of course remove DSs if necessary), being pretty stressed for the reception and potentially one or both of us having to leave early.

Staying close to the ceremony the night before is a potential option, but more expense. All 4 of us in a room for 2 nights in a row would probably be a bit of a nightmare too as I'm not sure DS1 will sleep through DS2's sleep grunting/wriggling/night feeding.

WIBU to ask the bride and groom if they'd mind if we headed straight for the reception? We'd be leaving home about 1:30 for a 2:30 start and would be pretty confident that both DSs would make it through until reasonably late in the evening, with few issues. They've done this before.

I would of course check, not just unexpectedly fail to show. I'm just not sure whether this could potentially offend or upset.

OP posts:

TheFaerieQueene · 09/08/2017 15:07

'Food and dancing are his favourite things'

You have a party animal for a son OP 😂

Original poster

NameChangerDanger · 09/08/2017 15:07

and while I would have been relieved of a parent had removed them, I would also have found it disruptive and rude.

Crikey, I can't win here can I? Gosh, I was so looking forward to this as well!

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChangerDanger · 09/08/2017 15:10

That I do Faerie! How two introverts created the life and soul of the party I don't know! He has done wonders for my confidence though, I don't have any option than to be up there throwing some shapes.

OP posts:

2014newme · 09/08/2017 15:14

It's very rude.
Sit at back and take kids out if they get fractious

Katzia · 09/08/2017 15:16

Personally Ii wouldn't take children to a wedding. It is stressful for the parents and disruptive to everyone else if they kick off. No matter how much the bride may like them, no bride wants her day spoiled by misbehaving children.
If at all possible, leave them at home and enjoy your time away with your husband. Treat it as a mini break/ romantic weekend.

milliemolliemou · 09/08/2017 15:18

So wedding is two hours away at 1230
Reception is another hour further on starts at 1430 and you're all 4 booked in, in nearby hotel?
And you have a 2 yo and 6mo who will have another 3 or 4 hour journey back on Sunday.

Hmmm. Can your DH get a lift to the wedding and then onto the hotel near the venue? Then you could just drive to the hotel and entertain your toddler and sort out your 6mo who will need changing en route anyway (ditto toddler) and avoid the service. But they'd then be up late at the venue (with a 6 mo?) - you'd need to drive them back to the hotel and then you're facing a 3 to 4 hour journey back with a hung-over DH..

Or you could just let your DH go and you stay home and look after the infants.

I don't think you can bother the bride and groom with this though some people do lay on nannies and a separate room for children . But not a 6mo. Can you book/afford a nanny at the place you're staying at near the reception? Do you know she would have signal to contact you?

Sounds too much trouble for all of you.]

2014newme · 09/08/2017 15:19

It's true that you will have a much better time without the kids

DontCallMeBaby · 09/08/2017 15:20

"and while I would have been relieved of a parent had removed them, I would also have found it disruptive and rude"

I really wouldn't worry about this attitude - anyone who invites small children to their wedding but would be upset if they made a noise AND upset if their parents removed them is a profoundly silly person who would probably take offence at your shoes or something if they had no children to be offended by.

Fleurchamp · 09/08/2017 15:21

Could your DH go to the ceremony and collect you from the hotel on the way to the reception?

Mittens1969 · 09/08/2017 15:26

DH and I invited DCs to our wedding; this was because a lot of the families were travelling long distance and we didn't feel right about insisting that they come without them.

What one couple did was only bring their youngest and arrange childcare for their other DC. They talked things through with me and I was happy with that. That might be an option maybe, to arrange for someone to look after your toddler and only come with the baby?

Another couple brought their two year old triplets (!) to the ceremony then came on their own to the reception.

One friend whose DH couldn't make it (they did live in France tbf), came with her parents, who looked after her 2 DCs, one of whom was pageboy so I was willing to accommodate this.

There are ways of working it out. I think only going to the reception would be a shame, especially as they have invited your DCs.

AntiHop · 09/08/2017 15:30

I don't think it is rude. And I would have given the same answer when I got married pre dc.

BackforGood · 09/08/2017 15:31

It would be very rude to rock up to the Reception and not the ceremony, IMO.
Personally I'd have looked for options to leave them at home - yes, I know not everyone has that option, but weddings do tend to be the time people will do this for you. However, if you are going, then you have to go the the most important part.
I too would set off early, and have some fresh air / a run around /get them fed and watered / get them into their finery once at the town / place the ceremony is in. Aiming to leave at 10 for a 12.30 ceremony when the journey is 2 hours without problems does not sound like a good plan to me.

Donttouchthethings · 09/08/2017 15:40

People are so different on this issue it's really hard to answer. Personally, I absolutely wouldn't want chn at the ceremony so, if by some chance I'd invited them, I would be thrilled if they ended up not coming. However, I would want communication about it.

So, I would suggest that you message the bride. Tell her how much you're looking forward to going etc. Say that you've got some concerns about your chn being nightmarey wrigglebottoms during the service and you'd hate for them to play up and disturb things for her on her special day. How would she feel about you coming to the reception only?

I think if you make it clear how considerate of her you are, it should be OK.

Mittens1969 · 09/08/2017 15:40

We found that a lot of guests booked rooms for 2 nights to make the logistics easier to manage. I know it's expensive but it might be worth it to give yourselves an easier time.

Original poster

NameChangerDanger · 09/08/2017 15:42

Oh, now I'm more stressed out from having asked!

DH just popped home and says he will talk to the bride. He's known her for years and they are very friendly (no, I'm not worried and will not LTB) and he can quite legitimately tell her I'm in a faff about not wanting to upset her in any way. That is what this is about afterall.

OP posts:

Smitff · 09/08/2017 15:49

I think it's kind of you to be thinking of them. Personally I would set off in time for all of you to be at the ceremony and would make the decision about who goes in when I get there and see what state the kids are in. If kids acting up, you watch them while DH sees his friend get married. It may all be fine, it could all be a disaster. The best you can do is all you can - and nobody should think any the worse of you for it.

ajandjjmum · 09/08/2017 15:56

I think it's considerate of you to think of the situation beforehand.

We had a 2.5 year old bridesmaid, who during our vows was asking very loudly for her monkey . Some guests were offended, and it is very clear on the recording, but DH and I were totally oblivious to any noise. Her Mum took her out eventually, which was fine.

I think your DH having a word with the bride and saying you're concerned, and assuming she would like you to risk it, then for you to sit near a door and be ready to run, is a reasonable solution.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/08/2017 15:57

I think if you go to the ceremony but stay at the back, and take the DC out if they start to wriggle/squawk, then that would be a better option than bypassing it entirely.

On the other hand, the B&G are extremely unlikely to notice that you're not at the church; but if they do all the photos at the church, and not later, then you'll not be in them, and they might notice that and question it.

Mittens1969 · 09/08/2017 15:59

I wouldn't worry too much, though, you actually offered to come without the DCs and the bride actually said she wanted to have them there. She obviously therefore isn't a bridezilla in any way and won't worry if one of you has to take the DCs out of the ceremony.

Hopefully your toddler will sleep through at least part of the ceremony!

We had quite a few toddlers at our wedding and there was actually no disruption, apart from the occasional childish murmurs which can be heard on the wedding video.

Original poster

NameChangerDanger · 09/08/2017 16:07

ajandjjmum, your bridesmaid sounds very sweet to me! I just don't understand why people get offended by that kind of thing. My nephew stood in the middle of the aisle for our entire ceremony. I did not give a monkey's. We also had to dodge the children zooming cars around the dance floor during our first dance. I treasure the pictures of that.

Fortunately, when DS1 (aged 1) said 'uh-oh' very loudly at a really inappropriate point in the last ceremony he attended, everyone thought it was hilarious.

OP posts:

chocolatesa · 09/08/2017 16:08

As a bride this wouldn't have bothered me at all

chocolatesa · 09/08/2017 16:09

We had a two year old at our wedding who liked to cuckoo, she did it as I walked down the aisle I wasn't bothered at all. It was really funny

NoRetro · 09/08/2017 16:13

Get your DH to mind the DC while you go to the ceremony, then all go to the reception.

cyclingwidowforaday · 09/08/2017 16:17

We went to a family wedding last year with our 3 and 2 year old. And they were very wriggly!

At the ceremony definitely sit near somewhere you can make a quick exit from.

And we knew there would be a fair time between end of ceremony and anything actually starting at the reception, so took them off to nearby playground to let off some steam. That helped, as there's a lot of time waiting around at the reception and that wouldn't have gone well...

DeannaTroika · 09/08/2017 16:17

I think this is quite rude but at the same time I would understand why you would want to.
I couldn't bring myself to ask in your shoes though, it would feel very cheeky, sort of like "I can't be bothered coming to your actual wedding, but I would like the free food and party please" (I know that isn't how you mean it though!)

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread