Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Grandparent financial gifts

55 replies

BlumenRoses · 09/08/2017 11:49

Hi,

I am married and have a 9 month old DS.

My DH and I have a very strained relationship with my in laws with a very complicated backstory. They are from a different culture and do not approve of me. Having said that, most of the problems we have had are due to snobbery and a love of status rather than religious/ cultural problems. To give a brief snapshot when we got engaged she screamed in my face saying I was a horrible bitch. She then said she wouldn't be able to come to the wedding (but obviously did come in the end as she likes to portray the image of the perfect happy family). There have been many other things- problems with my wedding dress (outdated apparently!), interfering with hospital care (phoning up theatres for personal details!!) after the birth of DS. I could go on and on.

They have never helped us practically or financially. By practically, I mean never making a meal when I was very ill after having DS just wanting to snatch him off me etc etc. They ask to see DS but never ask how their own DS is- they're not interested in seeing us at all.

Anyway they have said that they want to give DS £20,000 when he is 18. I would prefer him to have access to this amount of money when he's a bit older and for something specific like a house deposit as I think a lot of young men aren't mature enough at 18. I feel like this is another way for ILs to exert their control (this time financially). They have never given DH any money so it seems as though it's a flashy gesture to buy affection rather than genuinely thinking it's a good idea.

I want to protect my son but I also don't want to prevent him from receiving gifts like this that could really help him in the future. DH is supportive and always takes my side but in this case he thinks it's a nice gesture. What should I do?

OP posts:

PinkHeart5911 · 09/08/2017 11:54

Well I got my inheritance at 18 and it was much more than 20k I was sensible, but then my parents have always involved me in finances from my teen years and explain best they could about how to be sensible with money.

My dc has money left from fil & my grandma for when they are 18 and I've no problem with them having it then.

So for me personally I'd accept the gift and let him enjoy it once his 18

KimmySchmidt1 · 09/08/2017 11:55

I don't know but bear in mind the inheritance tax considerations - they put the money in trust for him now, provided they live longer than 7 years, you won't have to pay tax on it when they die.

So there's that.

LittleOwl153 · 09/08/2017 11:58

As he us 9 months old and has 17.3 years to go before getting such a gift I would think their comments irrelevant.
If you want to take it more seriously I would open a child isa for him. That way they can put in what they like, but noone can touch till he's 18. Therefore noone has any additional control because of it. Or tell them to open a trust account with D's as the beneficiary, for when he turns 18.

But personally if the money were not available now I would treat it as any other controlling attempt made.

Ameliablue · 09/08/2017 12:00

At 18 it might be useful for university fees, do I would accept.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 09/08/2017 12:01

There's a lot of layers to this.

The first one is the way they have tried to interfere with your life. Have you set boundaries in regard to this ?

Secondly does this gift come with strings attracted ? It sounds very much that it might.

Your worry about your DS being financially responsible enough seems like a bit of a red herring to be honest. The other problems are more of an issue here.

FWIW I spent my small inheritance on getting my teeth fixed. Best money I ever spent. I need d dental work as a teenager but my mum deemed it too much an a waste of money. They affected my confidence so much. My mum was horrified but to me it was the right choice. I was only just 19 then and I'm 29 now. I still feel the same.

What I'm trying to get at is that the world may be a different place when your DS is 18 and he may well have different ideas to you about his future by then.

Original poster

BlumenRoses · 09/08/2017 12:03

It would definitely be useful for uni fees/ house deposit etc which is why I didn't want to turn it down.

I will try and raise him to be sensible with money but I can't guarantee life will work out that way! That's why I thought maybe they should keep it / put it aside until he's a bit older rather than blow it on other things.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlumenRoses · 09/08/2017 12:05

We have tried to set boundaries but to be honest they don't listen. It's exhausting and it is all gradually getting me down.

I don't want my opinion of them to cloud my judgments that I make on the behalf of my son, which is why i posted.

OP posts:

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 09/08/2017 12:08

The thing is they may well hold this over you.

Original poster

BlumenRoses · 09/08/2017 12:16

You can't take the sky-

In what way do you mean hold it over us? Threaten to withdraw the offer? I think they 100% would if the money was for us but I think they are so desperate to be the favourite grandparents that they wouldn't withhold it.

To put in context they are very well off- they have one DS and are both on huge salaries. We do not live like this!

OP posts:

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 09/08/2017 12:17

That wasn't actually my thinking as such. More use it to emotionally blackmail you.

"We ve been so good to you, providing for DS in the future and look how you're repaying up" type thing.

Original poster

BlumenRoses · 09/08/2017 12:18

Yes they will almost definitely do that! We are now very used to this behaviour- it almost seems normal now.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlumenRoses · 09/08/2017 12:20

It's difficult though. If I refuse the money they I look completely unreasonable and my DS misses out on the cash.

OP posts:

DeannaTroika · 09/08/2017 12:23

But you can't turn it down anyway, you have no control either way. They can put money in an account for him to access when he is 18, there is nothing you can do about that.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 09/08/2017 12:24

Let them give the money to your DS, and encourage them to put it in an account in his name, and thank them for it. BUT DO NOT COUNT ON IT IN ANY WAY.

Viviennemary · 09/08/2017 12:27

It depends on the individual. Some people would be sensible with that amount of money and some wouldn't. But since your son is only a baby at the moment I'd just agree to it and say very generous. It's very far into the future to start an argument.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 09/08/2017 12:27

It's not normal at all. Don't do anything that will allow it to continue.

I would suggest THEY put it in a bank account/ ISA or trust for him when he gets older so it remains in their possession and not yours.

Original poster

BlumenRoses · 09/08/2017 12:30

Deanna- that is completely true, I do not have any control over this. It is exhausting constantly trying to manage their behaviour but I think this is something I can't influence. I shall just have to raise him to be sensible.

I don't understand how people can be so horrible to their adult children and shower their grandchildren with affection. I look at my DS and can't imagine treating him the way they treat my DH.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 09/08/2017 12:32

It sounds as if they are proposing to keep the cash until he is 18 rather than give it now to be invested for him? If that's the case I would just keep quite neutral in responses such as, 'how nice, I'm sure he will be grateful.' If they are giving it now then investing it in an ISA or other saving scheme would be sensible and can be added to over the years.

If they are keeping the money and start issuing threats about withholding it unless X, y or z conditions are met I would stay neutral and say it's entirely up to them.

Either way, quietly grateful but no need for overwhelming gratitude since the gift isn't for you or your family.

They sound awful so keeping low contact and emotional distance sounds the best route. And if they are rude to you either leave or ask them to leave if it's your house. Each and every time.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 09/08/2017 12:33

Also. Have either of you read toxic parents by Susan Forward ? It's very good.

Petalflowers · 09/08/2017 12:36

i'm with your husband and thinks it's a nice gesture. There's a lot of time between now and when he is 18, so plenty of time to provide financial advice.

Kariana · 09/08/2017 12:38

If they are planning on putting it in an account now that only he can access when he's 18 I would say just let them do it.

Presumably you will try to raise him to be sensible with money and will discuss with him sensible things to do with it when the time comes. I'm guessing you weren't expecting him to have a windfall like this, so if he does blow it on something stupid when he's 18 well then that's annoying for you to watch, but an important life lesson for him and he's presumably not going to end up in the gutter because of it. Sometimes you just have to roll the dice!

Original poster

BlumenRoses · 09/08/2017 12:39

Matilda the cat- they haven't really said anything overtly rude to my face since the screaming in my face incident when we got engaged, when my DH asked her to leave the house. We didn't speak for a while after that, which was blissful.

Sometime around the wedding they wormed their way back in somehow and it has been passive aggressive sly digs since then. E.g calling my DS her baby and telling him I thought he was ugly when he had no hair

We see them once or twice a month. I Tried to get DH to take DS to see them (so I don't have to) but I think they interrogate him about me and he says it's better to show a united front.

I have read that book! Unfortunately it didn't really help me, but it was an interesting read.

OP posts:

Anatidae · 09/08/2017 12:40

I'd just say 'that's nice, you sort it out' and then never mention it again.

Do they mean to hold the money over you as a theoretical rather than deposit it NOW in a high interest account then give it when he's 18?

I'd just let them deposit it, if they say they will hold onto it, I'd do a ONE time 'oh are you sure? Surely for interest and inheritance tax you'd be better opening some sort of trust or isa for him? Well whatever you think best it's all a long way off and maybe you'll need the money one day.'

Any attempts to use it as leverage would get met with polite bafflement.

DingDongDenny · 09/08/2017 12:40

I would just say something like - How nice - of course that's between you and DS when he's an adult

Then when they try to control you with it, just keep repeating ' That's between you and DS

Original poster

BlumenRoses · 09/08/2017 12:42

Kariana- you're right it would be a good life lesson and who is to say I would know how he should spend it. I find it tricky as my family aren't wealthy and I've always been brought up to be very careful. To me large amounts of money at a young age can be a blessing and a curse!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread