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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparent financial gifts

55 replies

BlumenRoses · 09/08/2017 11:49

Hi,

I am married and have a 9 month old DS.

My DH and I have a very strained relationship with my in laws with a very complicated backstory. They are from a different culture and do not approve of me. Having said that, most of the problems we have had are due to snobbery and a love of status rather than religious/ cultural problems. To give a brief snapshot when we got engaged she screamed in my face saying I was a horrible bitch. She then said she wouldn't be able to come to the wedding (but obviously did come in the end as she likes to portray the image of the perfect happy family). There have been many other things- problems with my wedding dress (outdated apparently!), interfering with hospital care (phoning up theatres for personal details!!) after the birth of DS. I could go on and on.

They have never helped us practically or financially. By practically, I mean never making a meal when I was very ill after having DS just wanting to snatch him off me etc etc. They ask to see DS but never ask how their own DS is- they're not interested in seeing us at all.

Anyway they have said that they want to give DS £20,000 when he is 18. I would prefer him to have access to this amount of money when he's a bit older and for something specific like a house deposit as I think a lot of young men aren't mature enough at 18. I feel like this is another way for ILs to exert their control (this time financially). They have never given DH any money so it seems as though it's a flashy gesture to buy affection rather than genuinely thinking it's a good idea.

I want to protect my son but I also don't want to prevent him from receiving gifts like this that could really help him in the future. DH is supportive and always takes my side but in this case he thinks it's a nice gesture. What should I do?

OP posts:

rightwhine · 09/08/2017 12:43

I think you need to take the emotion out of this and everything else they do. Let them crack on. Expect nothing but equally set boundaries for bigger stuff. In other words pick your battles.

Yes I agree the money would be better when older or for a specific thing, but it's their money. So what if ds spunks it all at 18 on a wild holiday in Ibiza. He gets a good holiday out of it. Control what is in your control otherwise let it wash over you. Take the emotion out of everything. Does it really matter? Will it have detrimental consequences rather than just not the ones you want? Save your energy for when it does matter or the consequences are not put upable with.

astoundedgoat · 09/08/2017 12:44

Ignore. Whenever they bring it up, just say "That's very kind of you, but it's a long way off." and change the subject.

She obviously thinks that she is being Lady Bountiful here, and for many, £20k would be a life-changing sum, but in the great scheme of things, it isn't actually a lot of money - certainly not something that should get you bowing and scraping to them nearly two decades in advance! It won't get your son through university, for starters, it won't even be a deposit on a house. If you stuck £100 a month in a savings account now, you would exceed this projected "gesture" by the time your son is 18 anyway.

It's perfectly normal for grandparents to provide for their grandchildren by way of gifts, or fees etc. but it's NOT normal to use this generosity to wield control over their family. Don't let it become a big whoop-de-do - she'll get just as much a kick out of it if you make a huge song and dance about it, so just politely ignore.

KatyBerry · 09/08/2017 12:49

I agree with DDD above - tell them that they can make whatever arrangements they choose to make and that is up to them and they can let DS know once he is an adult, but not before. Don't engage in discussions aobut it or shower them with the gratitude and attention that she clearly wants to gain from it. If you don't let it turn into a control issue by not discussing it, then she can't use is. Of course if she doesn't get the control, she may choose not to give it but at that stage there's the possibility it will never materialise. Trust me, she'll make you earn every penny of that £20k if she provides it on her terms.

Firesuit · 09/08/2017 12:49

If they're only going to hand over the money at 18, nothing's happening now that needs any action.

It's a gift from them to your adult DS, so, although you could diplomatically express an opinion to them, or him, it's not really any of your business when he gets it, or what he does with it.

Firesuit · 09/08/2017 12:51

Just realised DS is only 9 months. I agree with the following

Ignore. Whenever they bring it up, just say "That's very kind of you, but it's a long way off." and change the subject.

RB68 · 09/08/2017 12:55

It is a good way of not having to pay inheritance tax by putting it away now - assuming they are not ancient and are in good health.

They can do a simple bare trust ie open an account in his name which they have control over or as suggested ISA's etc which they could add to in subsequent years. But definitely just say yes and let them get on with it - 20 grand in 17yrs will be the weekly shopping bill at the rate we are going at the moment.

user1492287253 · 09/08/2017 12:56

Once they have gifted it, they cant take it back. Give them the info they need to set up an account and never discuss it again.
When ds is about 16 let him know the money is there and tell him you expect it to be used for something sensible like a house deposit.

Anatidae · 09/08/2017 12:58

20k at an interest rate of 3% compounded monthly for 18 years is 34 ish k.

So if they refuse to deposit now they are financially illiterate. Or seriously manipulative ;)

RB68 · 09/08/2017 12:59

Should say its already nigh on 60 grand to get through 3 yrs of Uni

grannytomine · 09/08/2017 13:02

On the one hand I would say take it but the thing that would worry me is would they do it for another grandchild? Could cause all sorts of problems if your husband has siblings and their children don't get the same or you have triplets next year and they say they can't afford £60k. I know a family where something similar happened and it caused problems with the children, the parents tried to make it "fair" by giving a similar amount to the younger child and the older one got in a huff so it ended up with one child being upset as grandparents had favoured one child and the other child feeling hard done by as his mum and dad had given more to the younger child.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2017 13:07

My mother is giving dd about 1k a year, which she will be able to access at 18. I saved almost 2k by the time I was 17 through birthday/Xmas presents of money throughout my childhood and savings from small jobs. I blew my money on a crap car as I'd had no guidance. Dd will have a lot more guidance. All you can do is thank them and talk to your ds as he gets older. The promise of money means nothing though until it is actually in his account.

Gottagetmoving · 09/08/2017 13:11

Don't worry about it. It's really not your business how or when they give their money.
If you teach your son to be responsible and sensible then when the time comes you may feel you can trust your ds to do the right thing with his money....whatever that is, because it's his to enjoy.

Original poster

BlumenRoses · 09/08/2017 13:13

All these points are very useful. I think they mean invest it now for when he is 18.

DH is an only child so no other grandchildren (as yet) to worry about and if we had another child they could definitely afford it. I can't answer whether they would give the same to a potential sibling, but that would be awful if they didn't.

He already has an ISA so I will suggest they put it there for him. I don't think they would be able to stand not telling him until he's 18! They will be telling him at every available moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlumenRoses · 09/08/2017 13:16

I am aware that my feelings towards them can cloud my judgment, which is why I asked as I don't want my feelings to affect DS.

OP posts:

grannytomine · 09/08/2017 13:17

It would be awful if they didn't do the same for another child, caused loads of upset to my friend's family but her PIL seemed to like causing trouble, having favourites and so on.

grannytomine · 09/08/2017 13:18

Just to add with my friend I think it was because they favoured the boy, his little sister got nothing.

Original poster

BlumenRoses · 09/08/2017 13:19

I do find it strange that they would do this for their grandchild and not their DS though. They never even opened a savings account for him and he had to ask for money for everything as a young adult- clothes, food etc. He didn't have an allowance and they live rurally so he wouldn't have been able to get a job.

I was always brought up to have a Saturday job for independence and to stash some money for savings.

OP posts:

JayoftheRed · 09/08/2017 13:24

I don't have any advice, other than what other people have said, let them set up an account for him and give him the money, if that's what they want to do. They are well within their rights to do so, and once he's 18 there's not much you can do about it, except, as you say, make sure he knows the value of money.

I have a similar issue with my in-laws though, in that they haven't got the time of day for my DH, their DS, but can't get enough of my kids. I've actually had a tantrum off my MIL when she was told we wouldn't be seeing them that weekend. She literally stamped her foot, and hit herself when we wouldn't change our plans (I think we were going to a wedding, so not something we could rearrange!).

She treats my DH like dirt, calls him greedy and lazy and tells me he's a liar. He isn't. We are fairly low contact with her, as much as he dares to be (I know, I know, but his issue to work through). I don't give a shit about her, she can do/say what she likes, I have the power (kids!).

Original poster

BlumenRoses · 09/08/2017 13:28

Jay of the red! That is exactly what she's like! She cried last time she saw my DS as she said she hadn't seen him for ages (3weeks!) I can imagine her stamping her feet

OP posts:

Hillarious · 09/08/2017 13:28

If you manage to raise an 18 year old who will blow a substantial amount of money on something inane immediately he gets his hands on it, then you've only yourselves to blame. Have some confidence in your parenting skills!

grannytomine · 09/08/2017 13:29

BlumenRoses that strangeness is what would worry me about how they might treat another child. I suppose that is because of the problems it caused my friend, they might not be like that at all but to be aware of it if they go ahead.

grannytomine · 09/08/2017 13:31

JayoftheRed, that is awful. She sounds mentally ill, that isn't normal behaviour for an adult. Your poor husband and you having to cope with that.

rollonthesummer · 09/08/2017 13:32

I agree!

Just say thank you-that would be lovely for him and don't make a big deal of it.

justilou1 · 09/08/2017 13:39

I like the advice about telling her to do what she wants with her money and say "That will be between you and DS when he's 18". Of course you will have to (when he's old enough to understand) explain that she is unreliable and manipulative and this money may or may not eventuate, so he shouldn't count on it, or sell his soul to please the old dragon.

Hissy · 09/08/2017 13:41

www.bustle.com/articles/138889-7-signs-your-in-laws-are-toxic-and-how-to-deal-if-they-are

Read Toxic INLAWS, that will help you!

You can't control what other people do, only how you react to it.
if you rise to their bait, they get something out of it.

Beware the over egging on the GC, this is used to destabilise YOUR/their DS authority over your own DC.

FIRM boundaries with a lot of 'Don't be so dramatic/ridiculous/batshit, you have seen DS last week, if you don't stop this nutso behaviour, we'll reduce the time you do spend with him until you have had therapy"

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