Grandparent financial gifts

[BlumenRoses]

Hi,

I am married and have a 9 month old DS.

My DH and I have a very strained relationship with my in laws with a very complicated backstory. They are from a different culture and do not approve of me. Having said that, most of the problems we have had are due to snobbery and a love of status rather than religious/ cultural problems. To give a brief snapshot when we got engaged she screamed in my face saying I was a horrible bitch. She then said she wouldn't be able to come to the wedding (but obviously did come in the end as she likes to portray the image of the perfect happy family). There have been many other things- problems with my wedding dress (outdated apparently!), interfering with hospital care (phoning up theatres for personal details!!) after the birth of DS. I could go on and on.

They have never helped us practically or financially. By practically, I mean never making a meal when I was very ill after having DS just wanting to snatch him off me etc etc. They ask to see DS but never ask how their own DS is- they're not interested in seeing us at all.

Anyway they have said that they want to give DS £20,000 when he is 18. I would prefer him to have access to this amount of money when he's a bit older and for something specific like a house deposit as I think a lot of young men aren't mature enough at 18. I feel like this is another way for ILs to exert their control (this time financially). They have never given DH any money so it seems as though it's a flashy gesture to buy affection rather than genuinely thinking it's a good idea.

I want to protect my son but I also don't want to prevent him from receiving gifts like this that could really help him in the future. DH is supportive and always takes my side but in this case he thinks it's a nice gesture. What should I do?

I would refuse outright. They don't appear to be the types who can give money freely & without strings attached.

I don't like another adult having anything to hold over me.

There isn't anything to hold over them if they don't let it.

jay I would bet you anything that as soon as the GC are old enough to have their own minds and opinions they will default to how they treat your husband.

I know someone who got a decent chunk of money off their grandparents aged 18. Not £20k, more like a few hundred. They felt very conflicted having over 18 years seen the grandparent treat their parents and themself very badly. They didn't feel able to turn down the money, or to spend it on something that would remind them of the grandparents. So basically went on a bender for a couple of weeks, bought drinks for loads of friends, bought a few cds/ computer games for self and siblings. Nothing bad happened (except a few people ended up with hangovers) but it wasn't a great use of money either. I think there was a sense if guilt around accepting it.

Also, nearer the time, make your son aware that people don't always follow through on promises, but that he isn't to change to please them. He has his hair long or short, follows uni or trade, is gay or straight, single or in a relationship, according to his own choice, not to placate them.
Post again in 14 years!

Thanks everyone, this is all good advice. We will ask them to put it into his ISA. If they don't want to do that then we won't count on him ever receiving the money.

I think whoever said to take all of the emotion out of the equation is right. Hopefully it will come in useful for DS.