Aibu to have thought hitting would have stopped by 7 1/2?

[Embarrassedemma]

Really as the title says.
I have an 11 year old daughter and a 7 1/2 year old son.
Never had this issue with my daughter but my son just can't seem not to retaliate if he feels wronged or generally if someone hits him first.
Yesterday in a play area he hit too people, one for hitting him first even though the other boy was only 4 so was then hurt when son retaliated and the second time after a boy pushed him off a rope.
I understand instinct is to retaliate and believe we we have done the whole " tell me so I can sort it out with you " more than I can even begin to explain on here.
I make sure in play areas and even parks I'm never too far away so if anything happens he has the chance to tell me before lashing out but it just makes no difference.
I've tried everything from taking things away, taking him straight home to long explanations after a few minutes to calm down, apologise to the other child and so on but he just doesn't seem to be able to control himself when he loses his temper.
Very few issues at school like this and again always only in retaliation but generally he has a good group of friends with similar interests so they rarely fall out luckily.
Is there anything else I could / should be doing?
I guess the holidays have made it that bit more obvious to me as after school unless he's got a club we come home and weekends are taken up with parties or family stuff.
Thanks for any input, Emma

For us it felt like it needed to be the rule otherwise I think it would confuse him a lot. Although it clearly hasn't worked.

I can't remember a time since he was about 5 that he's been the one to hit first no

You could look into some anger management strategies to teach him. It's important he learns that there are other ways to deal with the red mist. I wouldn't be overly worried, learning to deal with anger is the same as learning to deal with any emotion. He hits because he doesn't know how else to express his feelings.

Even when it's retaliation you think that would be effective? I worry that would be unfair on him but maybe I'm wrong!

My son has ASD and is older (12).

Like your ds he doesn't hit first. But he will absolutely retaliate and cannot control it for as long as needed. (Eg he'll know control it but when people continue to wind him up he'll eventually snap - hence why they do it!)

What I tell ds is when someone hits him they are wrong. When he hits them back he is equally as wrong and therefore I cannot do or say anything to the other child.

I tell him if he tells me or another adult then we will intervene and do something.

Luckily as he's got older an managed to communicate to me that others are being unkind he's seen me step in and sort other children out.

But I'm also from the camp that if they chose to push and shove ds or be physical with him (or you do it to any other child) you always run the risk of them being stronger and bigger and doing it back.

Thanks, yes we do have that chat that they were wrong but by retaliating he is now in trouble too and I can't speak to the other parent as now his behaviour is the same.
It just looks so much worse when he's double the size of the kid he's hitting back and I worry as he gets older that these fights will get out of hand and someone will actually get quite hurt

Get him on a rugby pitch at a good club. The culture is very much to mange lads anger and to teach them appropriate responses whilst channeling their innate aggression.
Our first son tended to hit back or use physical responses to defending others. We dragged him to rugby moaning and kicking at about 7 and he never looked back.
He loves the game still, plays for UK armed forces and has learned to use his energy and physicality to his advantage in his career. At 18 he chose to go to Sandhurst rather than university and is earning far more than his doctor siblings.
He is a generally gentle giant but heaven help anyone he sees upsetting old ladies or picking a fight with a much smaller/younger person.
I think it's about accepting who they are and working with it. Sadly masculinity isn't always encouraged in boys nowadays.

If you know for sure he is only retaliating now then I'm not sure stopping him is the answer. My DSD had it drummed into her by her mother to 'never hit back' - coincidentally her mother was notorious for fighting and never got bullied - and DSD did get quite badly bullied often physical and wouldn't defend herself 😩 I believe kids absolutely SHOULD defend themselves because there are parents out there who don't chastise their kids for bullying and some who actually encourage it 😭

I've tried not to use the word bullying as I don't think hitting back a small child equals bullying but of course it's not okay.

The friends I was with yesterday had mixed opinions, one saying I shouldn't have told him off as its a natural reaction to retaliate and the other two said they would have taken theirs straight home for doing that so it made for quite an awkward afternoon.
Just feeling quite down now really as whilst he's a really sweet natured kid most of the time, it's like he lets himself down and people hold a certain opinion of him now.

What a horrible idea to label a seven year old as a bully for what could be perceived as defensive behaviour. Bullying is about a repeated and sustained attack on a victim singled out for some perceived difference not a spontaneous lash in hurt or anger.

I see what you mean but I don't want him to hit anyone back, whether they are a lot smaller or a lot bigger as both could have a horrible outcome. It's just like he physically can't control himself when someone hits him though

Crumbs1, Thankyou. I always had the same view of bullying too.

That is tricky! I think I would maybe teach your son to focus on how best to resolve a situation which turns physical by taking a moment to think, rather than automatically hit back.

The danger with what he's doing at the moment is that might really hurt another child or get hurt himself if the child is older.

Could you talk it through with him today and rather than telling him a rule, encourage him to think about how he'd like to handle those situations going forward? Try and find out if he's reacting automatically, in which case he needs some calm down techniques, and explain that he could hurt a much younger child. If he needs to protect himself physically, then there are a range of defensive poses he could employ instead, while removing himself away from the hitting child.

Forgetting the moral side of it all, he does need to be able to control his reaction to avoid a potentially serious situation further down the line-I thought rugby was a good suggestion by a previous poster.

Whilst he is in primary I think the rule should be never hit anyone smaller / younger than you - just walk away and tell you or teacher.
However from experience the transition to high school is very different, I do think defending yourself (when necessary) is a skill that must be learned otherwise children will be unable / unwilling to defend themselves when required.
I also think rugby or karate may be a good outlet for him at his age now?

Looking into rugby today, we have a local club I'm sure.
He calms down very quickly and can tell me where he's gone wrong, what he should have done differently and so on its just the impulsiveness I worry about

I agree.
He has mastered using words and seeking adult help before hitting out first but the retaliation is taking a lot longer to get sorted.