Aibu to have thought hitting would have stopped by 7 1/2?

[Embarrassedemma]

Really as the title says.
I have an 11 year old daughter and a 7 1/2 year old son.
Never had this issue with my daughter but my son just can't seem not to retaliate if he feels wronged or generally if someone hits him first.
Yesterday in a play area he hit too people, one for hitting him first even though the other boy was only 4 so was then hurt when son retaliated and the second time after a boy pushed him off a rope.
I understand instinct is to retaliate and believe we we have done the whole " tell me so I can sort it out with you " more than I can even begin to explain on here.
I make sure in play areas and even parks I'm never too far away so if anything happens he has the chance to tell me before lashing out but it just makes no difference.
I've tried everything from taking things away, taking him straight home to long explanations after a few minutes to calm down, apologise to the other child and so on but he just doesn't seem to be able to control himself when he loses his temper.
Very few issues at school like this and again always only in retaliation but generally he has a good group of friends with similar interests so they rarely fall out luckily.
Is there anything else I could / should be doing?
I guess the holidays have made it that bit more obvious to me as after school unless he's got a club we come home and weekends are taken up with parties or family stuff.
Thanks for any input, Emma

Even in retaliation you would see that as requiring to leave?

There was a consequence of no pocket money for this week as after the first time he then did it again when someone ( same age this time ) pushed him off a rope swing

Consequence needs to be immediate. No pocket money this week. So the next time he does i? Another week? Then another week?
Hitting is unacceptable. Do it and we leave. Unequivocal.

I agree it should be straight away if he started it but I'm surprised you think that is a reasonable response to a retaliation rather than an unprovoked attack

My kids don't hit. It's not acceptable. you are sending mixed messages. Don't hit but I won't take you home if you do because you are only retaliating so it's not that bad is it?

Are your children young? What do they do when hit by another child then?

Youngest is 7. Actually can't think of the last time she was hit. It's not something that happens often. Maybe toddlers lash out. But most primary age children know better.
Your OP said you wanted to stop the behaviour but now you seem to think it's justified. If I'm confused then how can your child know what's what?

Well you have a daughter of 7, not a son.
So this is probably a big factor.
In soft play areas and play parks I see many boys becoming quite physical over things but never girls.
It's not that I'm justifying it, it's that I'm shocked you would take a child home for retaliating rather than hitting out first.

Sexist rubbish. I also have an older boy. He wasn't thumping other kids aged 7 either. You are completely justifying it. You've done this by saying boys hit. And he didn't hit first. They are just excuses. Hitting isn't ok.
My children don't hit others. Maybe that's because I absolutely would take them home if they did so.
If you want the behaviour to stop then step up and issue an appropriate consequence.

It's not sexist.
I too have a daughter.
The behaviours are " generally " different
This is a general statement of course but in all my years of parks and play areas I can hardly think of any physical issues between girls but many with boys.
I get your point, and I would take him home straight away if he was the instigator, I find that a pretty harsh punishment for retaliation.

I'm one of 6 girl cousins, there are 8 boy cousins, me and my sister battered each other alot more than the boys did!
Retailiation or not, all kinds of hitting needs the same consequence

I've taught my kids they don't hit and they keep away and tell an adult when others do. Obviously they can defend themselves if there's no other way but I would say that was the case in neither of the scenarios you describe. Other kids can't 'get yours into trouble' as your child needs to make his own choices about how he behaves. I would go for carrot plus stick and be consistent. Just because you don't allow hitting that doesn't mean.your child has to be a pushover. He can use words, he can not play with that child, he can tell you.or their parent, he can tell a member of staff if it's a playcentre. Getting your child to move away and keep away from those causing trouble is a good skill for them to learn and take into adulthood tbh. If he does hit there needs to be a severe consequence. What constitutes severe will depend on him and what he likes/will be bothered about. I would also give a reward he will really like any time he makes a good choice when provoked.

I'm at the beginning stages of dealing with this, as one of mine is 4yo and gets the red mist come over him. I would say for one thing, that I'm certain that it's an inate behaviour that is difficult to overcome. My other children are impeccably behaved, if I do say so myself, but the four year old will crack someone in the mouth over any perceive injustice. He NEVER hits first, but responds violently to any meanness from peers. It's embarrassing and yes I'm a strict parent, he is taken home or stopped from playing if he lashes out - he doesn't care. He is so loving and caring and affectionate, he would never be cruel to an animal or be unkind to a child in the park, he plays nicely and shares his things, and yet if a kid in his class snatches a toy from him, they'll get a right hook . A couple of weeks ago, a random big kid snatched up my other son's bucket as he was playing quietly with it at the sandpit. 4yo leaps up, screams out THATS MY BROTHERS, YOU DONT SNATCH!!! Then proceeded to grab it back, cloncked the big kid round the head with it, and gave it back to his big brother - who had barely even noticed. Re the whole moral question around retaliation, my elder two have done well with "tell the teacher/adult" because at their school, the rule is that if you hit back you are also in trouble, therefore it makes sense to tell them that they must tell a teacher instead of hitting back. They can't really have different rules of retaltion as surely it would get confusing. That being said, my eldest was being pushed around by his 'friend' a lot for a few weeks, and was telling the teacher. It was getting us all down and was not stopping. Bearing in mind my son is extremely strong and muscular, practices martial arts and wrestling, and this other kid is a sort of couch potato, glued to tablet type kid. On day my son couldn't stand his constant nudges and elbows and kicks in the shins - and just flat out punched him and threw him bodily to the ground. This was in the playground and they showed it to me on cctv. They said that although he was in trouble to a degree, they appreciated that he had told the teacher on this boy many times, and that he'd clearly reached a very high limit before retaliating. Boy never tried being a dick to him again. So. Keep yourself calm and together, is the general idea, and only retaliate if absolutely necessary. It's very hard to teach someone how to measure that. I often wonder if my youngest is like it because he's always the tag along, always sort of overshadowed. Is your son the youngest of many?

Thanks for your response and it's reassuring to hear from someone going through similar.
My son would have indeed done the exact same regarding the bucket at 4/5 possibly not by 6 and hopefully not by 7. We have at least now reached a stage whereby he never hits out unless he has been hit to some degree first.
He is the youngest but there are only 2 of them. My daughter is 11 and was always a quiet, studious child who steered well away from trouble and luckily has managed to avoid being picked on as well as avoiding being in trouble.
Is your son not yet at school?
I think school does help on the whole as many a time he will tell if hit at school, although sometimes again can't control himself and lashes out and then he's also in trouble, so it has reduced it but when he's out with me I guess he is aware that I won't whisk him home for retaliating and maybe that's not helping him.

It is absolutely sexist. Boys hit. Girls don't. What a sweeping statement!
My children are different. That's down to character not due to whether they have a penis or vagina.
And school won't "help". He will get into trouble if he hits.
It's not a pretty harsh punishment for retaliating. It's a suitable punishment for hitting someone. It's not ok to hit.

I think boys do tend to learn to regulate their emotions later than girls.
And then there is the environmental influence. Even if you don't (even subconsciously) encourage boisterousness and physicality more in boys, which is unlikely, others will. As boys tend to mix with other boys in the main at this age they are going to be exposed to that kind of behaviour more often.

Testosterone plays a big part in how boys behave. Boys ARE different from girls. Like it or not it's a fact.
Your DS doesn't land the first blow but does retaliate. If someone hit me I'd retaliate too. Wouldn't most people?
With careful handling and lots of talk about this issue your DS will be fine.

If someone hit me I'd report it as assault not escalate it to a fight!

Children are different. Being a boy doesn't mean you can thump people. Perfect grounding for a future in domestic violence. With the great excuse of "you drove me to it!"
Testosterone doesn't make boys thump people. Society justifying "boys will be boys" allows this behaviour to continue.
My children don't hit. They know it's unacceptable.

I understand what you are going through. My DS is 7 and has aspergers. He is generally well behaved at home and school but will retaliate and hit people if provoked. I tell him to never hit even if another kid is being really mean - but to run and tell a grown up. I find he is too good at standing up for himself that I need to limit it. Other children notice his extreme reactions and some of them seem to get a kick out of provoking him. I have explained to him that some children want to provoke a reaction and he doesnt want to give them the satisfaction of it.

Everytime before we go into a playground or a soft play I talk through potential extreme scenarios - like 'what if a child punches you?'. I remind him again and again to tell me if there is any problems. I call him over at intervals and remind him again about how to react if someone is mean.

Are your children young? What do they do when hit by another child then?

You seem to think that most children hit/get hit by other (not talking about fighting between siblings), they don't.

My sons never did and neither do most of the children in the large school I work in.

Well I see it often in play places and have heard a few incidents at school too

I think the number of children who get hit and hit is a small minority by school age.

My son will still get hit now at nearly 13. He's vulnerable and children of all ages pick up on that.
He hits them back in anger.

He knows if he hits back I won't step in and support him. But I won't punish him for hitting back. I'll talk to him.

Even my mum, a teacher of over 40 years says that's input time he stirs Updike himself and maybe people will start to leave him alone. It's because so few children are hit and she says he needs to develop that air of confidence that makes other think twice before hurting him. And if that's done by them knowing he'll punch back then so be it.

Avoid those play places then. Violence in school will be dealt with as a very serious matter.