Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want the funeral to take place quickly?

53 replies

joojoobean99 · 08/08/2017 23:32

Posting here for traffic...

My MIL passed away very suddenly today with absolutely no warning whatsoever. We have been told that the coroner will need to investigate the cause of death as she had no life threatening health issues, although we do know her heart stopped and she couldn't be rescusitated.

My issue is that I am 8 months pregnant and due to have a c section in 4 weeks time. I think DH and FIL are happy for me to control the planning of the funeral and deal with the coroner, etc (as they generally aren't very good with these things), but I want to make sure that the funeral takes place before I have the baby, as I'm not sure how long it will take me to recover from the c section and I can't not be there for DH on the day of his DMs funeral. Do you think 4 weeks is a reasonable amount of time to arrange this? I would imagine some of the timing depends upon the coroners report, but I really want to hopefully get some closure before my due date. Otherwise there's a risk that I wouldn't be able to make the funeral, and I was very close to MIL so this would be devastating for me.

I realise that it's pretty soon for me to be worrying about these things (or is it? Never been in this situation), but I want to organise everything so it takes the pressure off DH and FIL, and hopefully DH can start to look forward when baby arrives.

OP posts:
LineysRun · 08/08/2017 23:37

My limited experience of these matters is that it will take a while, if you are in England.

I am very sorry for your family's loss and the shock of it.

I think you do need to let your partner and FIL take the lead on the funeral planning.

Musicaltheatremum · 08/08/2017 23:37

I'm sorry for your loss. 4 weeks should be enough time to get everything done. It might be worth finding out from an undertaker how long it takes to organise a funeral once the coroner has released your mother in law's body. It may help give you some reassurance. Also, to reassure you, you will be tired but one of my friends brought her 3 day old daughter to church after a Caesarian section and I would have been fit enough three days post Caesarian too so even if it is delayed you would still be able to go.
Good luck with the birth. It will bring joy at this sad time.

user1498854363 · 08/08/2017 23:38

You can speak to the coroner about your situation, they may take it into account. It can vary how long an autopsy can take, and depends on what they find. Sounds like you are dealing with a lot, hope you are getting help and care too. Take care and sorry for yr families loss

Seren85 · 08/08/2017 23:42

Firstly I am sorry for your and your DH/family's loss. The difficulty with the funeral is the coroner's involvement. My Grandad died earlier this year and they couldn't establish cause of death so his body couldn't be released for a few weeks. Eventually they took tissue samples and released the body (3 weeks later) and the inquest was held month's after the funeral. That may or may not be necessary in this case. I think you can only follow the lead of the professionals and do what you can do. So much easier said than done, I know, but try not to worry about what you can't control. If you ultimately can't arrange it 9r be there then surely your DH will understand?

Snakeskinbritches · 08/08/2017 23:42

So sorry for your loss.
Both of my parents died very suddenly so both had to have a postmortem. With my dad it was 14 days from him passing away and having the funeral and there was a bank holiday inbetween which delayed the coroner's report a bit. With my mum it was 13 days after she died that we had the funeral.
I think from what I remember we arranged the bits we could with the funeral directors and then arranged a date for the actual funeral once the coroner's report was complete so about 2 weeks I'd say.
It must be a very difficult time for you with the baby due as well.

FadedRed · 08/08/2017 23:42

Sorry for your loss, Op Flowers
Four weeks is most likely enough time, the post mortem result will go to coroner quickly and the coroner won't hold things up, unless there are any problems about the cause of death, which is unlikely.
You can contact a funeral director as soon as you wish to start making the arrangement for the funeral, they will have dealt with this many times and can reassure you about the likely timings, with a confirmation when the death certificate is released and the funeral can go ahead.
However, I would advise you not to 'take over' the arrangements from your FIL and DH, by all means support them in arranging things, but you will be helping them best by making sure they feel in charge of things and able to make the choices. I promise you they need to do this for their own peace of mind IYSWIM,

HeddaGarbled · 08/08/2017 23:43

Sorry, but you can't control this I'm afraid. You are in the hands of the coroner initially, and then of how quickly a burial or cremation can be organised, which in my experience can be in the region of 2-3 weeks.

My advice is to hand over to your H & FIL. It is them who should be organising this while you concentrate on preparing for your C section and new baby.

Maryann1975 · 08/08/2017 23:44

Sorry for your loss Flowers. We've had three close family funerals so far this year and have had to wait between 3-4 weeks for each funeral. 2 of them were 'straightforward' and the cause of death was known but the third needed a post-mortem, this was actually the quickest from the death to funeral. The problem was getting a slot at the crematorium, they are really stretched round here and the wait was long. If we had opted for a burial it would have been quicker in all three cases.
I hope you don't have to wait too long for the coroners verdict and get things sorted quickly. I understand your reasons for wanting this to be sorted before baby arrives but as the pp says, you can take babies to funerals, it's not unheard of and if that's the way it is, that's just what has to happen.

brasty · 08/08/2017 23:44

Sorry for your loss.
It really depends on how much work the pathologist has. Ask the coroner when they think the body will be released. Once it is released a funeral can happen pretty quickly.
But no one can tell you if 4 weeks is long enough as it depends on your case, where you live and the time of year.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 08/08/2017 23:46

Where I am there is a shortage of people willing to carry out post mortems which is causing delays in the coroner being able to release the body to family. It may be worth speaking to the coroner's office to ask what time they anticipate it taking. In the meantime you can make all possible arrangements with the funeral director to ensure things can get moving as soon as the coroner is done?

YellowLawn · 08/08/2017 23:49

sorry for your loss.
depending of where you are it might take longer for all formalities and then burial/cremation.
for a friend in london it took 5 weeks. that was an expected death, so without coroner involvment.
I guess speaking to the undertaker could give you an estimation of time lines.

can you organise a memorial earlier and then a low key cremation burial when the body is released as a compromise?

Toriamayrose · 08/08/2017 23:49

Sorry to hear of your loss, yes four weeks should be plenty of time most funerals take around a week or two to arrange & take around a week longer with a coroner needed depending on how busy they are & how busy funeral directors are & if its a cremation or burial, its best to have the undertaker chosen as soon as poss as makes the process of coroner to undertaker much quicker.

GinUser · 08/08/2017 23:53

My condolences to you and your family. What a terrible shock for you all.
I have, thankfully, only had 2 recent experiences of a similar situation. First my husband, but we live abroad. He had to have a post mortem and the whole thing, including releasing the body and holding the funeral took 10 days. It was before Christmas and I was very keen to get everything finished before Christmas.
My father died earlier this year. No post mortem required, but the funeral was about a fortnight later, although I think it could have been 3 or 4 days earlier had a close family member been available.

TeacupDrama · 08/08/2017 23:54

If no suspicious circumstances sometimes coroner will release body for burial without death certificate provided you are ok with tissue samples etc not being with body, there is a different type of certificate, my aunt died in April in theatre, it took 2 weeks to get body released for burial, there is now an inquest, it will be October before we get death certificate

Orangebird69 · 08/08/2017 23:54

Please try not to fret too much. A dear friend had a c-section and then attended her brothers funeral 4 days later, with babe in arms Flowers

Original poster
joojoobean99 · 08/08/2017 23:55

Thanks for all your replies. I have to have a certain amount of input into the arrangements as DH and FIL are the only close family and neither of them have any idea of where to start (even them dealing with the paramedics and police today was very distressing and difficult for them, not just because of the situation, but because both struggle to communicate clearly and tend to get confused easily). Also, MIL was a big part of my life and I want to be involved. I know I'm heavily pregnant and should be concentrating on getting ready for baby, but I honestly wouldn't feel right just sitting back and watching them struggle with this.

I have the coroner calling me tomorrow morning to talk through the process with me, so I will explain the situation then to see if there's anything that can be done with regards to the timescale.

I know I could attend the funeral shortly after the c section, but don't want DH to be worried about me and my health/recovery when his grief should be his main focus.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 08/08/2017 23:59

Condolences OPFlowers

Ime it completely depends wether it's a cremation or a burial and what the 'waiting list' is.

Where I live it's about a week for a burial but 3+ for a cremation. Plus you'll have the coroner's wait.

Hope it works out ok .

nokidshere · 09/08/2017 00:01

My MIL passed away just before Christmas last year and the funeral was 3 weeks later even with the holidays in between.

I arranged everything. DH wasn't really in a fit state to be coherent with anyone so I think that you taking charge of the arrangements is pretty normal. Just speak to the coroner, they are very helpful and considerate.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

MaitlandGirl · 09/08/2017 00:10

My uncle passed away on July 4th and is being buried on Thursday (August 10th). This is in Staffordshire. The earliest possible date was Monday 7th but that wasn't possible for family.

The coroner had to be involved as he died during surgery. I think it took about 3 weeks for the coroner to issue a death certificate.

The best piece of advice I can give you is get everything organised with the undertakers (including buying a plot if necessary) then everything is ready once the coroner gives the go ahead. The undertaker will be able to tell you if a cremation will be able to take place quicker than a burial, in my uncles case it wasn't, though obviously this all depends on what your MIL wanted.

With regards to a c-section recovery you might surprise yourself. Certainly recovery from a planned c/section is generally easier than an emergency as you won't have had the physical trauma of labour beforehand.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers Flowers

BackforGood · 09/08/2017 00:11

Am sorry for your loss, but, as others have said, much of it will be out of your hands. When my sister died, the post mortum wasn't conclusive, so then they had to do toxology and other tests and reports and this all extends the time.
You can support your dh and FiL in helping them think about the funeral service (reading / music / if they want anyone to speak about her, or if they want to write something about her life for the person leading the service), and in helping them think about decisions such as burial or cremation, and then things like what coffin they want, what flowers they want, what cars they want, and if they want to have people back home for a cuppa and a cake or if they want to book a room somewhere, etc.,etc.
There are lots of decisions to be made now, that you can help them with, but the date of the funeral can't be fixed until the cause of death has been clearly established. Then you may have a wait, depending on how busy the services are in your area. (Undertakers will advise you on that).

roselover · 09/08/2017 00:13

I am so sorry about this sad day when everyone should be so happy about your baby - how sad your MIL missed out on meeting the little one - having had a c section I want to tell you that what you dont want is tons of stress just now - I had twins way into my 40's and it all went very well because I hardly moved for the last three weeks - my friend you need to rest up - racing about sorting out a funeral is not what you need right now - listen to me.....please - she is dead - those blokes will have to man up and start sorting things out - you cant do everything - like bring a kid into the world and sort out the funeral - you arent thinking straight - stop panicking - grow that baby - keeping it in for three or four more weeks will make all the difference in its health - that's what you can do for your family - rest.

scottishdiem · 09/08/2017 00:28

I am sorry for your loss.

I would do as much as you can to have things in place as people have said.

  1. Find a funeral director. Have all choices for flowers, funeral cortege etc made already. Decide on burial or cremation. Speak to funeral director about delaying and what cost that might have.
  2. Arrange a celebrant/minister etc who will get their script ready including readings etc.
  3. Find a venue for the wake that can take your numbers etc. with a series of available dates before and after the c-section.
  4. Concentrate more than you think you need to own your own health and birth. It might be that there is nothing you can do this side of the c-section so everything becomes moot anyway. In that case, concentrate on the one thing that is happening, not the thing that will happen later.

Consider alternatives. Have a very small funeral and then a much bigger event to celebrate their lives. This works better if you are no religious as humanist ceremonies are great for this.

AtSea1979 · 09/08/2017 00:31

Sections don't usually take too long to heal. Most people are out of hospital within a few days/a week at the most So the funeral won't be an issue of its after.

HiJenny35 · 09/08/2017 00:40

1.) Contact the funeral parlour you are going to use. If you aren't sure who ask for recommendations on a local Facebook page. They should allow you to have the meeting and make all the funeral arrangements re:what will happen, type, casket, etc now as you can decide on all this before anything happens.
2.) contact the minister (if having a religious aspect) as organised all the words (opens music if wanted) this can also all be done before having a date, we had the same issue, I was 8 months pregnant.
3.) book an appointment at the registry office to register the death so you can start probate.
At least that way you are ahead of everything and you just have to wait for the body to be released.

lalalalyra · 09/08/2017 00:47

I'm so sorry for your loss.

All you can do is organise what you can with the funeral director and the likes and then it'll all simply depend on many factors.

Where I am it was almost two weeks before we could get an appointment to register my relatives death, whereas in other areas it can be crematorium hold ups that delay things.

The coroner won't delay you any more than they have too and they should be able to tell you the average timing in their area.