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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want the funeral to take place quickly?

53 replies

joojoobean99 · 08/08/2017 23:32

Posting here for traffic...

My MIL passed away very suddenly today with absolutely no warning whatsoever. We have been told that the coroner will need to investigate the cause of death as she had no life threatening health issues, although we do know her heart stopped and she couldn't be rescusitated.

My issue is that I am 8 months pregnant and due to have a c section in 4 weeks time. I think DH and FIL are happy for me to control the planning of the funeral and deal with the coroner, etc (as they generally aren't very good with these things), but I want to make sure that the funeral takes place before I have the baby, as I'm not sure how long it will take me to recover from the c section and I can't not be there for DH on the day of his DMs funeral. Do you think 4 weeks is a reasonable amount of time to arrange this? I would imagine some of the timing depends upon the coroners report, but I really want to hopefully get some closure before my due date. Otherwise there's a risk that I wouldn't be able to make the funeral, and I was very close to MIL so this would be devastating for me.

I realise that it's pretty soon for me to be worrying about these things (or is it? Never been in this situation), but I want to organise everything so it takes the pressure off DH and FIL, and hopefully DH can start to look forward when baby arrives.

OP posts:

BeeThirtythree · 09/08/2017 04:34

I am so sorry for your loss.

As a Funeral Director, I agree with scottishdiem . Once you have spoken with the coroner, you will hopefully have a better idea of timescale. Find a reputable, local funeral home that can guide you step by step. Please remember to delegate tasks, take things easy and allow friends/family to help, I know you said a lot of the responsibility is yours solely as Fil and DH are struggling to cope, understandably.

My Mil passed away a week before my elective caesarean, the funeral was held a week after, I did have to unexpectedly stay in hospital a few extra days. We travelled across the country, to attend the funeral and returned the same evening, 2 days after being home from hospital.
It seems you are taking control and getting organised and as long as you can 'chase up' coroners/funeral arrangements/paperwork...all will hopefully run smoothly. Please PM if you have any questions I can help with OP.

Prepackaged milk ,if bottle feeding, was easier, comfortable shoes, saving copy of Order of service and other memories of the funeral/life of Mil to show your child when old enough...this helped me.

Cupoteap · 09/08/2017 06:47

I'm so sorry. Please remember to look after yourself properly x

In my experience it has been the crematorium/church that has held up funeral in the last few years.

You can do all the planning and make decisions, get a funeral director (the corner will need to know who to release the body to at some stage), as soon as you like. Then once they have your mil they can book the actual date in.

meditrina · 09/08/2017 07:01

Unless MIL had a funeral plan which ties you in ato a particular undertaker, I would recommend going to talk to an independent firm with a good local reputation as soon as possible. They can hold your hand (sometimes literally) through the whole process and tell you what timelines are possible. They'll also help you through all the decisions that can be made ahead of the release of the body (and signpost you to the bits of officialdom you need to engage with and when you can).

Also, and which might be important to you, IME independents have more flexibility about charges should you decide that MIL needs to rest there for longer than you first expected (say if your CSec has to be brought forward a bit and so you want the service later so you are more recovered).

hannah1992 · 09/08/2017 07:08

Very sorry for you and your family. It's very hard especially when it's unexpected. It happened with my nan this Feb just gone.

You can speak to the funeral directors you wish to use now. (If you have a cooperative funeral directors they are really good). The coroners reprt shouldn't take more than a week. You can start putting the plans in place now regards to the funeral.

Where you said are you normal for thinking about this now. Yes you are. When my nan passed, after the initial shock the next morning I was on ringing all her utilities up funeral director her life insurance policy she had for the funeral director. The real grief for me didn't come until after the funeral

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2017 07:18

Sorry for your loss . It took a month to bury my stepdad earlier this year because of the just over 3 week wait on the crematorium. So the faster you get an appointment with the funeral director, the better. I'd try and schedule the date before the body is released if possible.

Pansythepotter · 09/08/2017 07:22

I would begin by finding a funeral Director and explaining things to them. They are used to the Coroners Office in your area and will be very helpful with timescales. You can make all the arrangements now so that as soon as you have the go ahead you are ready. I would also ask to speak to the Coromer too, they are human and most likely try to accommodate you if they are able.

If you can be flexible with the actual time of the funeral you will find it can be done quicker. A lot of people like the mid-morning slot, so very early in the day or very late will give you and earlier date.

I am so sorry you are having to face this at such a time.

Sirzy · 09/08/2017 07:23

Sorry for your loss.

The time scale may also depend on the type of funeral. I know locally that all the Crems I have heard of people having funerals at lately have had waits of around a month for the service to be able to happen. If that is the case and it's a planned c section maybe worth looking to book it for about 2 weeks after birth?

Hopefully you get more idea today of local timescales

JustMumNowNotMe · 09/08/2017 07:25

So sorry for your loss. My local hospital and many others have the option of 24hour discharge for straightforward, planned c sections so enquire if yours offers the same. Providing you aren't going home with a baby on your own, you can recover far better at home.

Dd1's great grandmother died earlier this year, it took 5 weeks to get a slot at the crematorium and that was without coronor involvement so it could be a while depending on the wait in your area.

WunWun · 09/08/2017 07:32

I'm very sorry for your loss X

I hate to add to your worries, but at the same time I do think you should have examples from all angles. There is absolutely no way I could have gone to a funeral in the week after I had my section and even in the second week a short trip to the doctor really took it out of me.

Crunchymum · 09/08/2017 07:33

Depends on whether it goes to inquest or not (which usually for deaths like your MIL it shouldn't need to)

Friends DM passed away suddenly - although there was underlying illness and past health issues - and it took almost a month, including coroner. Her DM died 8th of one month and funeral was 4th of the next month.

Planned sections have a much better recovery than emergency so try not to panic.

Sorry to hear about your loss, you must all be very shocked?

Bubwiser · 09/08/2017 07:37

My condolences, OP.

My dad passed away suddenly at home on the 14th July three years ago. He was not ill before his death and so he also had to have a post-mortem. We are able to have his funeral on the 25th July. I think 4 weeks is adequate time to get this done. Hope you will get some help, with you being so far along now.

whatty · 09/08/2017 07:38

This happened to me a few years back with my FIL. He died on the 20th of the month, and I was booked in for a section 3 weeks later on the 9th. He had to have a post mortem too, and this was done within 10 days so the funeral was on the 2nd- a week before I had my baby. I was a bit worried about her coming before due date- but thankfully avoided any dramas. Wishing you strength at a tough time.

myrtleberry · 09/08/2017 07:52

When booking a crematorium recently it was 4 weeks wait if we wanted a slot late morning through to the middle of the afternoon, but only 3 weeks if we could do early morning or late afternoon.

Mrsmartell08 · 09/08/2017 07:55

Same thing happened to my dad
It was 2.5 weeks til the funeral
We had a 10am slot at the crem which we preferred as we werent waiting at home all day iyswim?
I'm sorry for your loss 💐 And good luck with the baby

JaneEyre70 · 09/08/2017 07:56

It took nearly a month when my FIL passed away last year, and that was a hospital death. It took a week to get the death certificate issued by them. The wheels can grind very slowly unfortunately, and it's highly dependant on crematorium availability. So sorry for your loss at this time .

UnbornMortificado · 09/08/2017 08:02

I'm sorry for your families loss

My son had to have a post mortem, it took about 3 weeks till we had the cremation but my mam dealt with all the official side so I'm not sure if a burial would have been quicker. This was north east area.

It's lovely you want to take the pressure off your FIL and DH but please look after yourself as well.

dingit · 09/08/2017 08:24

My df passed away on holiday in Greece 6 weeks ago. His body had to be repatriated and then signed off by the coroner in the U.K. His funeral was arranged 3 weeks later. It sounds awful, but our family holiday was booked and dm wanted us to go, and we didn't want to delay the funeral. We explained to the funeral directors and they pulled out the stops for us.
I'm fairly sure four weeks will be enough time, as long as you tell them the problem.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 09/08/2017 08:41

I am Sorry for your sudden loss.
Unmentioned so far, You do not have to engage a funeral director.
You could opt for a direct cremation. So coroner to crematorium. And then you are free to plan a service of some kind where, how and when you wish to to.
This obviously depends on your feelings about both death and following conventions, but people are so often funnelled down the route that everyone here has outlined that there seems to be little awareness that it is not the only one available.

coriliavijvaad · 09/08/2017 08:41

You should be able to make all the decisions with an undertaker without having a fixed date - you can make all the plans for practicalities of the funeral, and then when the coroner allows it a date can be set.

InThisTogether · 09/08/2017 11:40

Hi OP , Sorry for your loss. I understand completely your desire to get this sorted but in my recent experience (FIL died in house fire end of April) the involvement of the coronors delays this by a very long time.
Our inquest is not until mid August (3.5 months after the death). That being said, they were happy to do a non- post mortem inquest meaning they issued us interim death certificates to arrange the funeral. However it was still 7 weeks afrerewards and that was the earliest t
We could feasibly do.
Sorry it's not better news but in hindsight I wish someone had told me at the time that an unexpected death brings longer time scales.
Good luck OP x

InThisTogether · 09/08/2017 11:40

spaghettithrower · 09/08/2017 11:52

Hi OP, wanted to say sorry for your loss. What a massive shock for you all.
As others have said, contact a funeral director near you with a good reputation and they will sort everything for you. For my DM's funeral we didn't have to do any of the chasing up and organizer. The funeral director came and asked us what we wanted and they did the bookings of the church and crem. That's what they are there for and they used to dealing with all kinds of situations.
Try to keep as calm as you possibly can for your baby as well as your DH and DFIL and let the funeral director take the stress off you.

bigbluebus · 09/08/2017 12:38

My DF died suddenly and unexpectedly at home nearly 3 years ago. He'd had a massive heart attack. He died on a Thursday morning, was taken to the hospital by the ambulance crewe and the Post Mortem took place on the Friday morning. The death certificate was released on the Friday afternoon and the funeral was held 2 weeks after his death. If you choose a cremation then you are limited by available time slots for somewhere which may cover a wide geographical area so that may impact on the date. Both my parents were buried in a town cemetery and funerals were 2 weeks after death. DM died in hospital - expected, so no PM - and the hospital took longer to release the paperwork for her than the coroner did for my DF.

Brittbugs80 · 09/08/2017 12:45

My Dad died and we were told he didn't need a Coroner's report as death was expected. We then had to make an appointment to register the death. The first appt was 5 days after he died. We took this spot and when she saw the record of death from the ambulance we had to have a Coroner's report because it was an industrial disease that killed him.

The funeral directors phoned the crematorium whose first available date for a cremation was 17th Dec, 6 weeks after death. We booked that then told the Coroner we had a funeral date of 17th. He was busy but managed to fit in the hearing and release the body to the undertakers the day before the funeral.

It can be done but depends on waiting times at the Crematorium and Coroner's office and you can't really do a lot about either.

Also when registering the death, the first available appointment was 5 days time and if we didn't have that one, it was two weeks later. We had to make an appointment to register the death on the 16th December and we got the last appointment for that day too.

MaitlandGirl · 09/08/2017 12:51

One of the delays for my uncle was that the council run cemetery would only offer certain time slots for the burial so that everything could be made safe by closing time. (Sorry, I know that's an awful thing to consider)

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