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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving to South Africa (running away)

70 replies

Akani · 08/08/2017 20:38

I am seriously fed up. I'm being accused by (some) doctors of fabricating illness. I've had a colleague tell me that I am going to have my child removed by social services as I was taken Olanzapine, and now due to mental health. There's been a false allegation of domestic violence against an ex partner too (there's been an actual dodgy as fuck ex partner which I've always been open and honest about).

The threat of having future children removed from my care has just broken me. My GP brushed it off and told me it was ridiculous without listening. The therapist I have seen a few times wouldn't say either way. I'm so sick of the allegations of fabricated illnesses; even though they are not coming from everyone I've seen, I'm being passed around specialists and hearing those accusations too often. I'm sick of engaging with people to be called a liar.

I'm thinking of moving to South Africa to get the hell away from everything. I just feel like it's my only chance to start fresh and my only chance to have a family. I have a mental health diagnosis of complex trauma - I've never harmed myself, or anyone else but whilst waiting for several years to get therapy I was drinking a little too much. I cut down once I realised what a unit actually was.

All I've wanted my whole life is to have a smashing career (have that) and then to have family. I've literally dreamt of having children since I was very young.

Has anyone up sticked from the UK for similar reasons - how did it work out?

OP posts:
Original poster
Akani · 08/08/2017 20:43

Also totally open to any other ideas / options.

OP posts:
Thebookswereherfriends · 08/08/2017 20:50

Why South Africa? Problems have a habit of following you, just in a different guise.
Do you have support here? Are you in a relationship? If you don't have children yet, why are you worrying about them being taken away already?

Original poster
Akani · 08/08/2017 20:52

I plan to have children in the next couple of years and I'm worrying about it (them being removed) because it's been said / threatened.

South Africa because my partner's family are from there. Lifestyle. And my bloody medical records wouldn't follow me there.

OP posts:
WooWooChooChoo · 08/08/2017 20:56

My brother tried to move to SA with his South African wife and even though they were married he found it impossible to find work. They moved back here after 6months.

Original poster
Akani · 08/08/2017 21:00

I'd definitely be able to find work - PhD-level education and have experience in a really sought after area. I usually get several head hunters contacting me each month for jobs in South Africa.

Also, I own outright a house in London which I'd rent out for extra income.

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 08/08/2017 21:00

"I plan to have children in the next couple of years and I'm worrying about it (them being removed) because it's been said / threatened. "

Is this just some bullshit that your colleague has said?

Your GP dismissed what you said because it was nonsense.

People have children removed because they are abusive/neglectful, not because they have a mental health condition.

MrTrebus · 08/08/2017 21:00

Hmm I think you need to address and face your problems without running away to a random country. Do you have a DP? Just asking as you mentioned having children in the future although I guess you could be looking at sperm donors etc? Have you looked into that in SA? Are there jobs available in your industry in SA? Lots to consider.

Original poster
Akani · 08/08/2017 21:01

The therapist wouldn't dismiss and another GP is my surgery point blankly refused to remove contraception as he didn't want me to get pregnant (despite the fact the contraception was making me ill).

OP posts:
Original poster
Akani · 08/08/2017 21:03

"I think you need to address and face your problems without running away to a random country"

That's what I've been attempting for the last five years. It's not worked.

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 08/08/2017 21:05

I'd make long term plans, if they include living in SA, then look into that.

Your DPis from there, so he is the person to guide you on that. You have to weigh up what the health care would be like that you would receive, that will likely be in a employment package at your level?

Did your GP refuse to remove a coil or implant? They aren't allowed to do that, so I would complain and if you can change GP.

Original poster
Akani · 08/08/2017 21:12

I'll look into healthcare.

DP has never lived there (well, he's lived in Namibia). He works a rotational job so could live anywhere. I haven't discussed with his extended family yet. Needed to see whether it was totally batshit crazy or not.

Yes - it was the implant. I'd bled for over 100 days and he point blank refused and then accused me of lying, and has subsequently accused me of lying. Sadly, I have no idea how to get this off my medical records so it's there for every other doctor to see.

OP posts:
Original poster
Akani · 08/08/2017 21:12

(Thank you, by the way, I appreciate all the comments / input).

OP posts:
missyB1 · 08/08/2017 21:14

I'm married to a South African and there is zero chance I would live there! Have you actually been?

Booboobooboo84 · 08/08/2017 21:19

Can you go to your local sexual health clinic to get your implant removed?

Birdsgottaf1y · 08/08/2017 21:19

The first thing to do is to complain, you can have things removed from your records, but it means going through the process.

Just remember that there are two of you that would be a Parent and even if you aren't at your best (because you've stopped meds etc) your partner will be there supporting you. You would have nothing to worry about. You will get support during your pregnancy and engaging with that support would mean that there would be no issues. Ignore anyone that says different.

It seems like an easy solution to leave the UK, but do your homework, especially if you need ongoing Mental health support or medication.

Pre-school children are easy to travel with,it could be a viable plan for the future.

Original poster
Akani · 08/08/2017 21:20

missyB1

Really, why? I think you may be about to say crime!

Yes, I've been all over Southern Africa. I'd actually prefer to move to Namibia, but it's more difficult for various reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
Akani · 08/08/2017 21:22

Booboobooboo84

The implant was eventually removed (and the bleeding stopped within three days). I am still told the bleeding was all in my head and it is not a side effect of the implant.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 08/08/2017 21:38

I lived for a short time in SA. Trust me, it's very restrictive and can be scarey. You don't appreciate the freedom you have over here until you've lived somewhere like SA.

Original poster
Akani · 08/08/2017 21:43

Not exactly experiencing much freedom here with threats of having future children removed, but I do understand what you are saying, however, I have loved SA each time we've been.

OP posts:
messofajess · 08/08/2017 21:46

I don't really understand. What illnesses have you been accused of? Have you been diagnosed with bipolar disorder or a serious mental illness? Could your doctor have said he won't remove your contraception until you come off drugs that you can't take during pregnancy? Did your therapist mean she can't say for sure about any hypothetical situation you presented to her?

South Africa isn't - good place for medical care in my experience. The hospitals are horrific and medical care is slack - there is no equivalent of the NHS.

messofajess · 08/08/2017 21:47

As a PP said as well - it's quite scary as well and you don't really have freedom there

OhHolyJesus · 08/08/2017 21:47

What LiveLove said. Stayed for 3 years, had the best and worst of times. Would never raise children there but obviously plenty of people do.

If you do decide move to SA or anywhere else just have enough put aside to come back - an emergency flight budget and some put aside for accommodation. It made me feel like if it got really bad I could always come home and eventually I did.

I'd also suggest a long holiday there where you live there, don't travel around the beauty spots, really try to live each day as if you have roots there and see if you personally find yourself happy in that lifestyle.

messofajess · 08/08/2017 21:48

Also sorry just read this bit - who on earth said that bleeding wasn't a side affect? It's a very well known one. I bled for six months straight

Pigface1 · 08/08/2017 21:50

I love SA, it's an incredible country, and I'm sure given it's where your DP's family are from you know a reasonable amount about it. But it is not an easy country to live in. If it's better healthcare you're after than I doubt SA is the place to go.

I'm confused about the problem. A colleague has told you that because you've taken a certain medication in the past, SS will take any children you have away from you? I can't pretend to be an expert on this subject but this sounds like complete and utter bollocks on your colleague's part.

Pigface1 · 08/08/2017 21:51

Sorry OP - who has actually threatened to take any future children you have away?

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