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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who IBU: driver or passenger? (this is quite dull, sorry)

91 replies

ecuse · 08/08/2017 16:40

Will try to do this objectively, DH and I want to know who's right! I will try to not reveal whether I am driver or passenger Grin

Only one of us drivers, the other has a driving license but doesn't enjoy driving, hasn't driven since age 25ish (about 17 years). This isn't a marital bone of contention as the driver loves driving and isn't wild on being a passenger. We live in London so don't use the car much for short journeys at home, mainly for longer trips away at weekend - seeing family, days out etc.

The driver is generally a good and safe driver. Has held a license for 20 years, only once got a speeding penalty aged 20 (3 points long since elapsed for motorway speeding). Nevertheless, they regularly drive 5% over the speed limit on motorways for short periods, sometimes 10%, and this irritates the passenger.

Who IBU?

The driver maintains that it's very difficult to hold an exact speed and that they aim for 70 on motorways but this fluctuates around 65-75 quite naturally due to variations in gradient, road surface etc and that driving is basically a series of constant minor adjustments. So that it's not U to go over 70 for a short period as long as you're keeping a watchful eye on it and bringing it back down to 70. They maintain that by the time the passenger notices they're speeding, the driver has usually already noticed and is in the process of adjusting downwards. But due to having had a couple of motorway driving lessons when 17 immediately after passing test, driver is convinced that it is Very Bad Practice to use the brakes to adjust speed on the motorway. By preference, speed and spacing between cars should be adjusted only by varying acceleration (obviously this doesn't apply if you need to brake to avoid hitting someone). They were taught it is both dangerous and causes unnecessary traffic jams when cars brake so they avoid it where possible. The result of that is it sometimes it takes a few seconds - occasionally maybe 10 or 15 seconds depending on the gradient - to slow back down to 70 without braking. Using the same logic, the driver tends not to brake for speed cameras, although they will adjust downwards without braking if they can, reasoning that if they get a ticket then they deserve one and that using 'unsafe practices' (braking for no reason) on a motorway to avoid a ticket is unacceptable. Both agree that driver doesn't persistently speed (i.e if they notice they're speeding they always take action to bring it down, don't just cruise along at 75).

Passenger maintains that the speed limit is the speed limit, end of, and that if the driver ever finds themselves above it they should slow down immediately (braking if necessary). And if the driver is so insistent on a process of constant adjustment and apparently unavoidable speed variation then they should aim for 65 rather than 70 so as to avoid going over 70, ever.

Driver thinks aiming for 65 is quite wrong, that the highway code says you should drive up to the speed limit unless road or weather conditions make that unsafe. In fact, driver failed their first driving test for persistently driving 20-25mph in a 30mph zone.

Passenger is also irritated by their partner's cavalier attitude to getting tickets (and thinks that the fact the driver hasn't got a ticket in 18 years is luck rather than judgement).

In case relevant, both parties agree driver is very careful in residential areas with speed limits, this is just a motorway issue.

So - Mumsnet jury? Should the driver slow the fuck down, aim for 65, brake for speed cameras and generally stop being an arrogant twat to justify their casual minor speeding?

Or is it bit rich for the passenger to be back seat driving given they haven't actually been behind the wheel of a car for nearly 20 years?

OP posts:
Kardashianlove · 08/08/2017 17:11

Aiming for 65mph and breaking as soon as you get over 70 is really dangerous driving.

Often you need to drive/maintain over 70 for a short while to be safer, depending on what other vehicles around you are doing.
For example, if you need to move over to allow vehicles to join the motorway you may need to go over 70 until you can get back in the left hand lane. If you moved over and then hit the breaks as soon as you got over 70 you could cause a crash.
If the cars in the middle lane are doing over 70 you are safer speeding up to join this lane. Often it would be unsafe to stay in the left lane as it can block vehicles joining - especially if you are doing 65.

steff13 · 08/08/2017 17:13

The cruise control buttons are usually on the steering wheel.

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/08/2017 17:15

Just a word of warning. I have seen people get speeding tickets for doing 74mph. I have had 1 ticket for doing 33 in a 30. (New area, I didn't see the reduction from 40 to 30mph and the road hadn't changed) So those saying you can do 10% extra be warned. I was only doing 33mph.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/08/2017 17:15

Passenger is wrOng.

If he/she doesn't like the way the driver drives, they don't have to go with them.

anchor9 · 08/08/2017 17:18

the passenger is U. if we were talking about more severe speeding ok but 10% on the motorway? pfft.

if the passenger doesn't like it they should get reacquainted with driving.

HerOtherHalf · 08/08/2017 17:18

Passengers have a right to voice concerns if they feel the driver is putting their safety at risk. However, driving at 75 in a 70 zone, and where the conditions are suitable to be driving at the limit, will not have a meaningful impact on safety. The driver is more likely to have an accident due to being distracted by the passenger constantly nit-picking about their speed.

Abra1d · 08/08/2017 17:21

I would probably leave the passenger at a service station.

Abra1d · 08/08/2017 17:22

I would probably leave the passenger at a service station.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 08/08/2017 17:22

You're right, that was dull...

minionsrule · 08/08/2017 17:26

Another one for driver. My ds constantly clocks my speed on the motorway and reminds of the speed limit though 😕
Are you going to reveal op? Driver or passenger?

MrsHathaway · 08/08/2017 17:26

Breaking the car at any speed is dangerous.

Braking can be life saving.

Couldn't help myself, sorry. The balance of break v brake was getting tipped too far.

minionsrule · 08/08/2017 17:27

Sorry just seen that you are driver

swingofthings · 08/08/2017 17:29

If you're driver, it's worrying that you would say about you The driver is generally a good and safe driver. Why only generally?

StarryCorpulentCunt · 08/08/2017 17:33

The driver is right. It freaks people out when you randomly brake on a motorway. Obviously if you suddenly realise you are pushing 100 then you'd gently brake to slow down quickly but you check there was no one up your arse first and you shouldn't be speeding that much to begin with.

Justaboy · 08/08/2017 17:33

FWIW Most car speedo's over read by around 7 to 10 % so it's quite likely the 70 limit isn't being exceeded just the indicated speed says it is!.

There is a slight variation due to Tyre wear.

BeyondThePage · 08/08/2017 17:35

Depends - if you are the driver then do you really mean 75 or do you mean 80... (we all know how drivers minimise speeding!)

It is a speed limit not a target... ideally, under ideal road conditions, dry, high visibility etc etc... you drive TO the limit and fluctuate a few MPH above & below momentarily, purely because you want your eyes on the road and mirrors more than the dials - but 5MPH+ above is probably pushing it a bit to say it has not been noticed.

Collaborate · 08/08/2017 17:36

You must be a saint to drive them with that attitude. I'd have left them in the middle of nowhere long before now.

Frankiestein401 · 08/08/2017 17:37

"you should drive at the speed limit at all times unless road conditions mean you need to drive more slowly"
no. you drive at the speed you and the vehicle are comfortable at. if that means driving at 40 on an A road with a national speed limit, so be it.
there are multiple reasons apart from road conditions that mean driving at the speed limit is inadvisable - its a limit not a target.

ecuse · 08/08/2017 17:46

swingofthings - because sometimes I speed! And I guess because nobody's perfect.

beyond the page sometimes it's 80 but not often. Trying to think how often now. Perhaps two or three times in an average 3 hour journey to my mum's will I notice I'm doing 80+ and have to slow down. I'm fairly sure I won't have been doing 80+ for long. I never stay doing 80+ once I've noticed it. I sometimes do purposely go to 80+ to do something like kardashianlove describes up there ^ but only temporarily.

OP posts:
sharklovers · 08/08/2017 17:47

Passenger needs to STFU or get out and walk

Seeingadistance · 08/08/2017 17:51

Not read the full thread, but passenger sounds like a pain in the arse.

BeyondThePage · 08/08/2017 17:52

ahhh but "sometimes it is 80", then you "notice you are doing 80+" - i.e. you are a speeder, you break the law and you know you are breaking the law and your passenger is probably unhappy with that. (I would be)

alltouchedout · 08/08/2017 17:56

I shouted at DH on Sunday for driving at over 90mph on a motorway. He threw the 'but you aren't the one driving and you don't even have a license anyway' line at me, which as I pointed out doesn't mean I will miraculously survive a collision at at that speed, so I have every fecking right to complain about it. And more to the point, to ensure he understood that I would consider speeding to that extent with the dc in the car to be totally unacceptable.

I wouldn't say anything (or even notice) about him driving up to 80mph, but if he got ticketed for speeding I wouldn't sympathise and I'd expect the fine to be paid out of his fun money rather than the general family pot.

alltouchedout · 08/08/2017 17:59

Also, I just read on reddit that "... the guideline is 80mph. If you crash or are involved in an accident and are travelling at over 80mph, insurance is not obligated to pay out". Is that true, does anyone know?

ecuse · 08/08/2017 18:01

beyond the page yep, but I agree that 80 is too high and try not to do it, so no dispute there.

The part where we disagree is whether the 70-75-77 is a big deal.

OP posts:
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