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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who IBU: driver or passenger? (this is quite dull, sorry)

91 replies

ecuse · 08/08/2017 16:40

Will try to do this objectively, DH and I want to know who's right! I will try to not reveal whether I am driver or passenger Grin

Only one of us drivers, the other has a driving license but doesn't enjoy driving, hasn't driven since age 25ish (about 17 years). This isn't a marital bone of contention as the driver loves driving and isn't wild on being a passenger. We live in London so don't use the car much for short journeys at home, mainly for longer trips away at weekend - seeing family, days out etc.

The driver is generally a good and safe driver. Has held a license for 20 years, only once got a speeding penalty aged 20 (3 points long since elapsed for motorway speeding). Nevertheless, they regularly drive 5% over the speed limit on motorways for short periods, sometimes 10%, and this irritates the passenger.

Who IBU?

The driver maintains that it's very difficult to hold an exact speed and that they aim for 70 on motorways but this fluctuates around 65-75 quite naturally due to variations in gradient, road surface etc and that driving is basically a series of constant minor adjustments. So that it's not U to go over 70 for a short period as long as you're keeping a watchful eye on it and bringing it back down to 70. They maintain that by the time the passenger notices they're speeding, the driver has usually already noticed and is in the process of adjusting downwards. But due to having had a couple of motorway driving lessons when 17 immediately after passing test, driver is convinced that it is Very Bad Practice to use the brakes to adjust speed on the motorway. By preference, speed and spacing between cars should be adjusted only by varying acceleration (obviously this doesn't apply if you need to brake to avoid hitting someone). They were taught it is both dangerous and causes unnecessary traffic jams when cars brake so they avoid it where possible. The result of that is it sometimes it takes a few seconds - occasionally maybe 10 or 15 seconds depending on the gradient - to slow back down to 70 without braking. Using the same logic, the driver tends not to brake for speed cameras, although they will adjust downwards without braking if they can, reasoning that if they get a ticket then they deserve one and that using 'unsafe practices' (braking for no reason) on a motorway to avoid a ticket is unacceptable. Both agree that driver doesn't persistently speed (i.e if they notice they're speeding they always take action to bring it down, don't just cruise along at 75).

Passenger maintains that the speed limit is the speed limit, end of, and that if the driver ever finds themselves above it they should slow down immediately (braking if necessary). And if the driver is so insistent on a process of constant adjustment and apparently unavoidable speed variation then they should aim for 65 rather than 70 so as to avoid going over 70, ever.

Driver thinks aiming for 65 is quite wrong, that the highway code says you should drive up to the speed limit unless road or weather conditions make that unsafe. In fact, driver failed their first driving test for persistently driving 20-25mph in a 30mph zone.

Passenger is also irritated by their partner's cavalier attitude to getting tickets (and thinks that the fact the driver hasn't got a ticket in 18 years is luck rather than judgement).

In case relevant, both parties agree driver is very careful in residential areas with speed limits, this is just a motorway issue.

So - Mumsnet jury? Should the driver slow the fuck down, aim for 65, brake for speed cameras and generally stop being an arrogant twat to justify their casual minor speeding?

Or is it bit rich for the passenger to be back seat driving given they haven't actually been behind the wheel of a car for nearly 20 years?

OP posts:
Firesuit · 08/08/2017 16:55

Passenger is an idiot.

Driver could consider using cruise control, and make sure next car has adaptive cruise control, then they will be able to stick exactly to a target speed with no effort.

If they are only going 5 to 10% over the limit, according to the speedometer, then it's quite possible they are not exceeding the speed limit at all, as the speedometer is conservative in its readings. In my current car I set my cruise control at 5% above the speed limit, knowing that will mean I'm exactly on the limit. With my previous car it was 10%. (So 77 in a 70, 66 in a 60, 55 in a 50, etc.) (I worked out the error in my speedometer from satnav.)

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 08/08/2017 16:55

The passenger would irritate the fuck out of me & would probably be asked to get the bus in future.

StillSmallVoice · 08/08/2017 16:56

Driver is right and passenger should be grateful to have someone chauffeur them around.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 08/08/2017 16:56

Driver is correct and actually I suppose have a good point about breaking on motorway. People naturally apply the break if they see a car up front doing it which does cause delays

Witsender · 08/08/2017 16:57

Passenger would drive me mad.

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman · 08/08/2017 16:58

Passenger's being a pain in the arse I'm afraid and I have a feeling that's you, sorry

toolonglurking · 08/08/2017 16:58

I have a feeling OP is passenger and isn't coming back...

AvoidingCallenetics · 08/08/2017 16:58

Tbh, I wouldn't want to go over the dpeed limit so would aim to be slightly under 70, rather than creep up to 75 and have to bring it back down. But I only passed my test 5 minutes ago so probably have no right to an opinion. I also constantly tell my dh to slow the fuck down observe a bigger distance from car in front, so am the annoying passenger who criticises while not actually driving!

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman · 08/08/2017 16:59

And yes, the braking thing is right. Excessive, unnecessary braking causes utter chaos.

ShesNoNormanPace · 08/08/2017 16:59

Driver is correct. However this doesn't mean they aren't also a twat.

Hassled · 08/08/2017 17:00

I also think the driver is right (although my opinion is worthless as I am a non-driver), and my money is on the OP being the driver.

Out2pasture · 08/08/2017 17:00

Agree with Hathaway.

Moanyoldcow · 08/08/2017 17:01

I'm with the driver. The passenger sounds neurotic.

ecuse · 08/08/2017 17:02

Ha, thanks everyone.

Yes, I'm the driver Grin and my DH totally boils my piss when he does this. I feel vindicated!

The universe will almost certainly reward my gloating with a speeding ticket this weekend.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 08/08/2017 17:02

OH and I are different views on what is 'good driving'. In reality, we are both 'good drivers' in our own ways. We have a clear rule: Whoever is the passenger doesn't get to tell the other how to drive. It's patronizing and irritating. If we had such concern with the way the other drive, we shouldn't get in the car in the first place.

Let him drive and be grateful he does so since you don't like it.

Kintan · 08/08/2017 17:02

I'd say the driver is correct and the passenger sounds a bit annoying if they are always giving the driver a hard time about it. Why stress the driver out on the motorway - which isn't the most stress free place in the world as it it - by complaining about the driving which doesn't sound unsafe at all!

ecuse · 08/08/2017 17:03

He is a bit neurotic, yes, which is partly why he doesn't want to drive.

OP posts:
Hassled · 08/08/2017 17:03

There's way more detail and explanation given about the point of view of the driver than there is about the passenger. I'm really surprised that people are reading it as the OP being the passenger - I just assumed driver.

OstentatiousWanking · 08/08/2017 17:04

The driver is right.
I'd make the passenger walk.

Cacofonix · 08/08/2017 17:04

Yes the passenger should take the bloody bus from now on.

PastaOfMuppets · 08/08/2017 17:04

This clearly isn't a popular view but I will so both ABU a little bit.
My DH has received plenty of speeding fines from driving 1-4 km over the limit.
The speed limit is just that: a limit, not a goal or a challenge.
However, no point risking an accident by suddenly braking for the sake of 2 or 3 m over speed limit.
If passenger wants to complain about DP's driving, and DP won't drive differently, it's irrelevant who's BU. Passenger just has to put up with it or learn to drive.
I think OP is passenger.

Hassled · 08/08/2017 17:04

X post - I was right, and you are right :o. Glad you've been vindicated.

Goingtobeawesome · 08/08/2017 17:06

No need to think it's difficult to stay on the speed limit if you use cruise control.

Ontheboardwalk · 08/08/2017 17:08

Passenger would be left at the next services if I was driving.

I think it's dangerous to be fixated on your speed dial and breaking all the time on the motorway. Dealing with what's alongside or behind you by varying your speed accordingly is more important.

Nob heads speeding really annoy me, I don't however see varying 5/10% as an issue what so ever.

You are so the driver

ecuse · 08/08/2017 17:10

As far as I'm aware, our car doesn't have cruise control (would I know if it did? I'm imagining a big red button...)

OP posts:
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