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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woman hitting man

65 replies

Lionnesss · 08/08/2017 11:24

Just want people's opinions
If a man and woman was arguing in a relationship or not if the woman angrily hit the man would it be ok for the man to hit the woman back or to just walk away i think the man should walk away even though he would be acting in self defence as i think he would most likely come off looking worse than the girl even though she hit first Abu to think this

OP posts:
x2boys · 08/08/2017 11:27

In reality he would come across as looking worse what ever the circumstances .

EZA15 · 08/08/2017 11:29

I think YABU. If the man angrily hit the woman first it wouldn't be acceptable so why should it be acceptable the other way round? That's not to say that's it's ok for the man to hit the woman in retaliation. IMO violence on either side is not acceptable at all

booloobalooloo · 08/08/2017 11:29

Firstly, hitting back isn't really self defence. Stopping her from hitting him would be self defence. That could involve hitting her arm away from him I suppose. So yes. He should walk away. But id think as badly of her as I would him for hitting.

SerfTerf · 08/08/2017 11:30

You don't hit people because it's wrong to hit people. Not because of "how it would look" and regardless of if they hit you first.

(Minimum force to restrain or escape an attack excepted.)

x2boys · 08/08/2017 11:30

Its not acceptable either way but public perception is a man should never hit a women regardless if circumstances

fartsinbed · 08/08/2017 11:31

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AnUtterIdiot · 08/08/2017 11:31

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SerfTerf · 08/08/2017 11:31

Public perception is a person shouldn't hit a person, isn't it?

PinkHeart5911 · 08/08/2017 11:31

I think it would depend on the level on violence the woman was directing at him, for example if she slapped him once then I don't think a retaliation would be needed but if she was repeatedly hitting him well we've all got our breaking points haven't we? And I wouldn't judge if he reacted.

If I'm completely honest I would also struggle to have any sympathy for either of them if they are both hitting each other. They would be as bad as each other.

Papafran · 08/08/2017 11:31

Neither should hit the other. Also, self-defence is different to hitting someone in retaliation because they started it. So a woman hitting a man and him walloping her in return is not him acting in self-defence. However, a woman coming at a man (either with or without a weapon) and him pushing her away to stop her attacking him, would be self-defence.

Depends also on size-difference. If someone said 'my 10 yo hits me, is it OK to hit him back?' everyone would obviously say no. Women are nearly always physically weaker than men (there may be the odd exception but often even a small man can overpower a woman). Therefore, the effect on the man from being hit will not be the same as vice versa. But no, I do not think it is OK for a woman to hit a man (or anyone else) 'in anger'.

Areyoufree · 08/08/2017 11:33

The man would look worse, sure, but in some ways, she would be worse for hitting him, because she would know that he would be judged more harshly for responding. If you hit someone, you can't really be surprised if they hit you back.

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2017 11:33

Self defense is not hitting back. Fine to use enough force to stop her hitting him again.

RhubardGin · 08/08/2017 11:33

I think he would be within his rights to hit her back, after all isn't that what equality is all about.

It always surprises me that it's socially acceptable, sometimes even humorous in TV, films etc for a woman to hit/slap a man but it's a complete no no for a man to do the same to a woman.

Domestic violence or any sort of violence at all is abhorrent in any way but woman seem to get away with it.

That's why there are so few male domestic victims who speak out. If they speak out there is the fear of being ridiculed or being seen as less of a man.

It's terrible.

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2017 11:34

"I think he would be within his rights to hit her back, after all isn't that what equality is all about"

No.

x2boys · 08/08/2017 11:34

Absolutely terf but having been in a situation whereby my husband was charged with a assault because he forcibly removed his drunk and aggressive femsle family member from our home it's not always black and white

Toadinthehole · 08/08/2017 11:34

It's not the same. If DW tried to hit me I could fend her off. Hitting back could put her in hospital.

Both are very bad though.

It would only be self defence if the woman continued to attack the man, and even then I wouldn't want to be the man who relied on that defence without CCTV footage.

ArmySal · 08/08/2017 11:36

Being launched onto her arse with a push would be acceptable, or grabbing her arms to restrain her.

MargaretTwatyer · 08/08/2017 11:36

It depends. Legally you are allowed to use proportionate self defence so he would have to prove he had done that. So if feasible walking/running away would be the first line of self defence for any man/woman. After that restraining the attacker. If neither of these are possible then you come to the point where it is acceptable to respond with violence in self defence.

In reality it is much more likely that women are going to reach that point as they are unlikely to be able to outrun men or have the upper body strength to restrain them.

However if the attacker is built like a shot putter and the victim is a slight, unfit man then retaliating is acceptable.

It's case by case really.

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2017 11:36

"Absolutely terf but having been in a situation whereby my husband was charged with a assault because he forcibly removed his drunk and aggressive femsle family member from our home it's not always black and white"

Was he convicted?

seventhgonickname · 08/08/2017 11:36

So is this you and what happened?

Mumof56 · 08/08/2017 11:37

Not acceptable for anyone to use violence. Report it and get her charged with assault.

QueenBeex · 08/08/2017 11:38

Personally I think people should learn to argue / disagree without having to get so angry they then start punching someone

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 08/08/2017 11:38

If you hit someone, you should expect to be hit back, regardless of gender.

You can't have women going round thinking they can hit men because he "can't hit back".

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2017 11:40

"If you hit someone, you should expect to be hit back, regardless of gender"

Should you? I don't think that's what the law says.........

x2boys · 08/08/2017 11:41

The circumstances are very complicated but when it got to court the court accepted that he had removed her from the house so he pleaded guilty asault on a very mlnima basis after being provoked he was also allowed a plea basis and got a conditional discharge ,he was accused of punching her kicking he none of which he did