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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Woman hitting man

65 replies

Lionnesss · 08/08/2017 11:24

Just want people's opinions
If a man and woman was arguing in a relationship or not if the woman angrily hit the man would it be ok for the man to hit the woman back or to just walk away i think the man should walk away even though he would be acting in self defence as i think he would most likely come off looking worse than the girl even though she hit first Abu to think this

OP posts:

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 08/08/2017 11:43

IMO it is never okay to hit anyone. Therefore the woman in your example is in the wrong for hitting but the man would be too, should he hit back. Nothing is to be gained by hitting back; it's not self-defence and would escalate the situation for the sake of tit for tat.
I've been in a physically abusive relationship, he used to hit/push/slap me and I never hit him back... Partly because I didn't want to make him angrier as he could have easily killed me but partly because there'd be no point.
He also hit me in front of people, several times. No one batted an eyelid.
I think the discrepancy between the perceived severity of hitting comes down to the fact that women are killed every week by violent male partners. It's not a reasonable comparison to make imo.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 08/08/2017 11:50

Hardly ever a good idea to hit back either way. If the person hitting you is physically weaker, then hitting them back is almost always unnecessary since there is the option of walking away, forcibly restraining their arms, even shoving them out of the way if they have cornered you. If the person hitting you is physically stronger, then hitting them back is likely to result in you getting absolutely pasted. I suppose an exception would be in an attack that was already extremely violent (strangling for example in which almost any form of defense goes).
And for the record I also hate it in comedy shows etc where a woman hitting a man is funny/feisty. I don't think it does anyone any favours...

Flopjustwantscoffee · 08/08/2017 11:51

Sorry everything, cross posted with you but I think you make e same point much better!

Flopjustwantscoffee · 08/08/2017 11:53

And I've been "jokingly" slapped, at a party in front of work colleagues and no- one batted An eye because it was a "joke" except it wasn't a joke, he was secretly really angry with me (and ranted at me when we were alone) and it hurt. I hate it when they make a joke of slapping/ hitting etc in comedies

Lweji · 08/08/2017 11:55

It depends.

One slap or one punch wouldn't deserve any hit back, just walk away (and report to police).

But if she repeatedly punched him and wouldn't let him go away, then he should do whatever is necessary to stop her. It could be to restrain her (ideally) or hit back (within acceptable limits - for example, grabbing her throat wouldn't be acceptable).

The same in if a man hit a woman.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 08/08/2017 11:57

Flop I have experienced that apathy too. I was slapped/pushed by my ex several times in front of people, on a few different occasions, and no-one reacted at all. No-one cared. The only time anyone did anything was when a random passer-by who called the police when he smacked my head off a wall. Not even his (our to an extent) friends who were very studiously looking the other way.

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2017 11:57

And having seen a couple of the names on this thread-for the avoidance of doubt, I don't think it's OK for a women to hit a man. Unless that is only way for her to avoid being hit/assaulted herself.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 08/08/2017 12:00

I agree with pps that you shouldn't hit back, regardless of gender. Walk away and report her for assault.

Hitting is only ever ok if it's in self-defence.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 08/08/2017 12:01

Everything I think people think of domestic violence as something that happens somewhere else/in private. No one can reacts when it happens in front of them because it feels so unbelievable, it must be a joke.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 08/08/2017 12:04

Terrible isn't it, Flop? I can forgive some because he was quite scary when he lost his shit, it becomes a dangerous position to put yourself in, were you to intervene, but it does get to me when people trot out the old 'no-one cares when a woman hits a man, no-one would let it happen the other way around' because they absolutely do let it happen.

Witsender · 08/08/2017 12:06

Self defence is different to retaliation.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 08/08/2017 12:07

Indeed witsender.

BitchQueen90 · 08/08/2017 12:08

Agree, nobody should hit anybody regardless of gender. I don't think "hitting back" is acceptable unless the attacker is continually hitting them over and over. Restraining someone is fine if necessary, of either gender.

I do not judge people on gender, I judge whoever initiates the physical violence.

Original poster

Lionnesss · 08/08/2017 12:49

Quite a lot ov mixed opinions the reason I asked was because me and a freind was talking and this disscusion came up and it became quite heated thankyou for everyone's opinion.

OP posts:

dadshere · 08/08/2017 12:57

It should be as acceptable for a man to hit a woman as it is for a woman to hit a man- That is to say completely and totally unacceptable. But, the law will always look at it differently- so no man should ever hit a woman, except in the most dire circumstances, (life threatening). If I was hit, I would call the police - no ifs not buts, it is never ok. That said, I have friends who have hit their husbands ( drunk, finding out about an affair). I would never do that, I can stand violence of any sort.

Lweji · 08/08/2017 13:22

So, what is your opinion, OP?

Pengggwn · 08/08/2017 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Lionnesss · 08/08/2017 13:38

I think the man should walk away I agree depending on circumstance if she was really going at him he should try and restrain her but then walk away the argument was about how I wild bring my son up I would advise him if he was ever in that situation was to just walk away where as my freind said I was wrong n he should be able to hit back

OP posts:

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 08/08/2017 13:39

Should you? I don't think that's what the law says.........

Yes, you should. And I never said that was the law; simply what you should expect.

MaidOfStars · 08/08/2017 13:40

I would advise him if he was ever in that situation was to just walk away
If walking away is possible, this is excellent advice in any physical altercation, regardless of the sexes involved and who initiated it.

Lweji · 08/08/2017 13:40

I was wrong n he should be able to hit back

That is wrong in relation to a man or woman. And dangerous.

EveningShadows · 08/08/2017 13:45

This happened to my DBro - on numerous occasions. He never hit back - he was much bigger and stronger than his gf. He knew it was wrong.

He eventually had the mental strength to call the police and put an end to the relationship. He was widely mocked by friends when he came out about the physical abuse he'd suffered at the hands of this woman.

DV against men is still so misunderstood - and victims receive very little sympathy.

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2017 13:45

"Yes, you should. And I never said that was the law; simply what you should expect."

Ah. Law of the jungle stuff. I see.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/08/2017 13:47

They would be wrong for hitting back.

Her hitting him however shouldn't be minimised either.

Original poster

Lionnesss · 08/08/2017 13:53

A man's hand is alot stronger than a woman's so if a woman slapped a man across the face the man would most probably still be standing if he hit her back she cold drop so then who wild look bad but him even though she hit him first

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