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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to get married without any sort of wedding?

105 replies

Snakeskinbritches · 08/08/2017 11:21

Myself and DP Have been together over 20 years and have 2 DC. Although we have talked a few times over the years about getting married we have never been bothered enough to actually sort anything properly out.
Both DC have DP surname as I suppose we always figured we would get married at some point and that has always been something that now and then would bug me. Just sometimes it would come up, either through people assuming I had the same surname as the kids and referring to me as that name. I just used to think sometimes I'd like the same name as them. Anyway it's never bothered me enough to do anything about it.
The thing is, I don't really like much at all about weddings. I don't like to be the centre of attention, don't like the thought of planning, all the potential upset of who is invited and who isn't etc. The cost has always been something that put me off as well as whenever I thought about getting married I just could never justify spending all that money on mainly things I wouldn't normally enjoy doing.
We bought our first house quite young so money always seemed to go into that and then we had DC so when people stuck their beak in and asked "when are you going to get married?" I'd always say we couldn't afford it yet.
As time has gone on, it's got to the point that we've been together for so long that sometimes I think why bother now? Then other times I think we really should just for sensible financial security reasons.
Basically I would be happy just to literally book the slot, go to the registry office, say what we need to then sign and leave.
Whenever I mention potentially at some point doing this to people ( not necessarily family but friends, colleagues etc) they always either say "yeah, and you can always have a big "do" whenever afterwards when you wanted" or the other day " yes, you could just go for a nice meal with a few people, you know, still make it nice"
They don't seem to get that the whole point is I don't want a big "do" for everyone else's benefit but our own. Neither of us would want it and would only end up doing it as we felt like it was expected.
I don't really even want the "meal" idea if I can help it as I've known more than one person who's done this " immediate family only" to end up with little digs here and there and questions asking can such and such not come etc
Both my parents have passed away although I've always felt this way about weddings so don't really think my choices would be much different to now.
Are we just weird for wanting this? I would've thought we'd been together that long nobody would really be that bothered if we just say " oh by the way we got married at the weekend" DPs parents are still alive and I'm hoping they wouldn't be totally upset of anything ( I don't think they would?)
I know people might say could you just not let them come but then it'd start with 2 from his family and none from mine, I have 3 siblings but then if they came it would be moaning from his siblings then it just goes on and on.
I'm probably boring you to death by now but just want to know - will I been seen as a weirdo if I go ahead and do this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Snakeskinbritches · 08/08/2017 11:21

Jeez sorry didn't realise it was so long

OP posts:

ClamBakeSnake · 08/08/2017 11:23

Go for it. You, your partner, your kids as witnesses (if they’re old enough) and then a nice slap up lunch for the four of you somewhere, be that in a restaurant, in a pub, or in the back garden.

And the just present it as a fait accompli.

lalalalyra · 08/08/2017 11:23

How old are your DC? If they're 16+ just take them.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 08/08/2017 11:24

Sounds fab, very intimate. The marriage is the important bit not the fuss.

Just go off and do it, grab a couple of witnesses.

It's just as meaningful when you say those vows whether there's a party afterwards or not.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2017 11:24

Who cares if you are? Seriously, do what you and DP want. All I would say is have the kids. Are they old enough to be witnesses as you need two?
Buy yourself a new outfit if you want. Book somewhere lovely for lunch just the four of you.
You don't even have to tell anyone unless they ask!

AvoidingCallenetics · 08/08/2017 11:25

I don't think you are weird at all. In your shoes I would book a weekday registry office wedding and go somewhere nice for lunch, just the 2 of you afterwards.
You don't even need to tell people after if you don't want. But it is important, I think for financial and security reasons.
Your wedding is about you, the couple. No one else has any entitlement to any aspect of it. You don't owe them anything when it comes to this.

RiverTam · 08/08/2017 11:26

Just do what you want to do, sounds fine to me. It sounds like you are surrounded by narrow-minded people who only know of one way to do a wedding. I'd stop talking about it and just do it!

MaisyPops · 08/08/2017 11:26

Go for it. That sounds lovely.

A big day isn't for everyone. Do what makes you and your family happy.

Original poster

Snakeskinbritches · 08/08/2017 11:26

That's the only sticking point really. One is 20 but the other is 11. I've been trying to look it up and from what I can see they have to be over 16 so it's who else would I have as a witness without starting the snowball of who would attend and not.
If I could just have both DC as witness that would be ideal.

OP posts:

AnUtterIdiot · 08/08/2017 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 08/08/2017 11:27

When I said my vows (registry office) we had family and friends there.

But to be honest it could have just been me and DH. It was like we were the only two people on the planet.

It wouldn't have felt any different if we were on our own, just as special.

Milliemoo37 · 08/08/2017 11:28

Sounds like myself and my DP, though we've been together 10 years. I'd like the idea of close friends and family in a registry office then just me and him having a meal afterwards in a gorgeous countryside pub.

Weddings are too dramatic and I hate all the attention to be on me for a day.

Penfold007 · 08/08/2017 11:28

My uncle married my new aunt a month a go. They didn't tell anybody just went to the registry office, two members of staff were witnesses. In fact most people still don't know. Being married was important to them but not having a wedding. Do what suits you.

ExplodedCloud · 08/08/2017 11:28

I know people who have had a registrars ceremony only. You don't even have to tell anyone you've done it. People on MN have been witnesses for quiet weddings too. Not quite strangers off the street but not far off.

AnUtterIdiot · 08/08/2017 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CMOTDibbler · 08/08/2017 11:30

No, you wouldn't be a weirdo - just book it and do it! You can (at least at registry offices round here) book to get married literally in the registrars office which is a max of 6 people including yourselves (get witnesses from MN ). You don't need to tell anyone until you have got married, and then if anyone says 'ooh, are you going to have a big party' you can say with some truth 'well, we'll think about it in time'.

wornoutboots · 08/08/2017 11:30

I did it - him, my 3 kids, and 2 witnesses (kids not old enough to do it)
We had the wedding WE both wanted despite emotional blackmail from his family. My own mother said "oh! that's brilliant, I wish I'd had a wedding like that! And I don't even need to wear a dress, I can just text you! Oh I'm so glad!" (can see where I get it, can't you?)
His claimed to have been looking forwards to him being married for 30 years , was unable to sleep for worrying about it allegedly...
to the point that on the morning of the wedding I told him "it's only £50 we lose, are you sure you don't want to reschedule and rethink having people?" (he replied, "are you losing it or something??? I want THIS wedding today, not someone else's idea of what we should have." I love that man :) )

Do it, stick to your guns, and tell them "this is the wedding WE want."

Original poster

Snakeskinbritches · 08/08/2017 11:31

Phew thanks. Maybe I'm not such a weirdo after all. Yes basically we wouldn't tell anyone beforehand. Just after and as someone said just try to deflect any talk of and "do" and the like.

OP posts:

RiverTam · 08/08/2017 11:32

Borrow someone off the street - I know a couple who did that as they wanted it to be just the two of them - both hired outfits, grabbed a random couple and off they went!

GeorgiePeachie · 08/08/2017 11:33

you can change your name without getting married if you really wanted to.

If you want to be married and change your name. you don't even have to mention it to anyone. When are you getting married? Oh who knows small smile

have you made a will? You have children together so you ought to have a will. and things are a lot less complicated if you're married.

wobblywonderwoman · 08/08/2017 11:34

I would have your two children there and ask the staff at the town hall to witness. No need for telling everyone until you want to. I am married several years and regret having a big do. Fallout with parents. Even n honeymoon,DM was giving out to mW about who was invited yet my parents had 35 couples of their choice - our relationship never really recovered.

insurmuntable · 08/08/2017 11:34

Because of a medical procedure dh was dreading (he was afraid he'd die under ga) we decided to get married at the city hall on holiday and didn't tell a soul except for a photographer we got for a few hours, who was also our witness. It was fun. (We did have a wedding later for various reasons.) Do exactly what you want.

Crispsheets · 08/08/2017 11:36

I'm doing that. Second time for both of us, and we want it just the 2 of us. I hate attention and fuss, and see it as a personal thing. Go for it

HazelBite · 08/08/2017 11:36

Just go to the registry office with the Dc's, the older one can be a witness and you can get another witness from elsewhere.
There is no reason to have anyone other than your Dc's and another witness at your marriage, it is your choice, in fact you needn't tell anyone that you have got married, let the dc's drop the news at some stage.

Original poster

Snakeskinbritches · 08/08/2017 11:37

I have thought about just changing my name but as you say things would be less complicated if we were actually married and I should really get wills sorted out too. Neither my mum or dad had one and it was really difficult.

OP posts:

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