To want to get married without any sort of wedding?

[Snakeskinbritches]

Myself and DP Have been together over 20 years and have 2 DC. Although we have talked a few times over the years about getting married we have never been bothered enough to actually sort anything properly out.
Both DC have DP surname as I suppose we always figured we would get married at some point and that has always been something that now and then would bug me. Just sometimes it would come up, either through people assuming I had the same surname as the kids and referring to me as that name. I just used to think sometimes I'd like the same name as them. Anyway it's never bothered me enough to do anything about it.
The thing is, I don't really like much at all about weddings. I don't like to be the centre of attention, don't like the thought of planning, all the potential upset of who is invited and who isn't etc. The cost has always been something that put me off as well as whenever I thought about getting married I just could never justify spending all that money on mainly things I wouldn't normally enjoy doing.
We bought our first house quite young so money always seemed to go into that and then we had DC so when people stuck their beak in and asked "when are you going to get married?" I'd always say we couldn't afford it yet.
As time has gone on, it's got to the point that we've been together for so long that sometimes I think why bother now? Then other times I think we really should just for sensible financial security reasons.
Basically I would be happy just to literally book the slot, go to the registry office, say what we need to then sign and leave.
Whenever I mention potentially at some point doing this to people ( not necessarily family but friends, colleagues etc) they always either say "yeah, and you can always have a big "do" whenever afterwards when you wanted" or the other day " yes, you could just go for a nice meal with a few people, you know, still make it nice"
They don't seem to get that the whole point is I don't want a big "do" for everyone else's benefit but our own. Neither of us would want it and would only end up doing it as we felt like it was expected.
I don't really even want the "meal" idea if I can help it as I've known more than one person who's done this " immediate family only" to end up with little digs here and there and questions asking can such and such not come etc
Both my parents have passed away although I've always felt this way about weddings so don't really think my choices would be much different to now.
Are we just weird for wanting this? I would've thought we'd been together that long nobody would really be that bothered if we just say " oh by the way we got married at the weekend" DPs parents are still alive and I'm hoping they wouldn't be totally upset of anything ( I don't think they would?)
I know people might say could you just not let them come but then it'd start with 2 from his family and none from mine, I have 3 siblings but then if they came it would be moaning from his siblings then it just goes on and on.
I'm probably boring you to death by now but just want to know - will I been seen as a weirdo if I go ahead and do this?

I'd say there is no right or wrong. Some people like the idea of a big wedding, which is fine, others don't, which is also fine. Honestly do whatever you feel is right for you both.

It sounds similar to someone we know actually. When she was younger, she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to get married (just not really fussed about it, said she would be keeping her own name if she ever did get married, and her and her partner were happy as they were). Anyway last year they did get engaged. She would of been happy to wear jeans and a nice top, go to the local registry office just her, her partner and two witnesses, get married, have a few gin and tonics in a local pub, then go home, have dinner and essentially carry on as normal, so get ready for work the next day, watch some telly, like any other night, no big fuss.
However her parents, mum especially made a big fuss and said they would pay, and that it wasn't a wedding if they didn't have a church and a meal and all the 'traditional' wedding stuff. So to keep the peace and save arguments, she gave in and agreed. So now in a couple of weeks time, she's having a big wedding she never even wanted.
It's no one else's business what you do. Do what makes you happy, and ignore what anyone else thinks.

orangebird - I heard you can be a professional bridesmaid these days! May be a good career move?

And regarding wedding do, we made vague noises about a do at some point but as the years went by people forgot

Are you me?
I could have written exactly this (few details changed here and there).

Do what makes you happy. You don't even need to really tell friends/family upfront and then just mention it in passing if you wanted to

Friends did it, together for around 10 years, she was heavily pregnant with DC2. The reason: tax and inheritance and protecting family in case something goes wrong with one parent.

My friend still kept her name, she doesn't wear a wedding ring, there was no engagement ring, nothing. I know her SIL made them a cake when they visited a couple of weeks later when her baby arrived but the only thing remotely "weddingish" was a photo taking by the registrar when they signed the papers.

There is no need to have a wedding, to celebrate, to make it "nice".

Do what you think is right and forget bout expectations from others.

For various reasons, I wish we'd gone off to the reg office alone and had the marriage blessed in the next normal Sunday service at our church. And I find the idea tremendously romantic. More so than a big wedding.

I would feel bad about excluding the in laws and siblings personally. I don't actually think there's anything wrong with the feelings of people that are immediate family. We had a registry office wedding last year but that was because my husband is Jewish and a church wedding wasn't appropriate. My Mum was secretly hoping for the Anglican church wedding I think but was very happy about the day anyway as we hunted for a particularly attractive registry office. To be honest I felt like getting married was something to be celebrated but it was very demanding of my time in the end and even a small wedding, the cost escalated to about £4500. However, my Dh didn't have to buy an engagement ring as he had a choice of inherited rings from that had been his Grandmothers. The wedding rings were very modest and I wanted silver but that still added another £550 to wedding. So I can see why just the two of you might be appealing.

Glad you're now excited about it. When we did it, my spouse just grabbed 3 people from his university course. Two were witnesses, one took photos - I really like having photos even if I didn't want to deal with people and drama and mostly have them for my own pleasure. Maybe photographer could be a good way to include the 11 year old who can't be a witness?

Not weird. I know 2 couples who got married using witnesses off the street (well, technically the hotel receptionists in one case), and 1 couple who invited their parents to meet them for lunch and then said "oh, and we're just going to pop in here quickly and get married first" as they walked past the registry office.

bemused, I'm over 6ft tall with massive feet and unruly hair. Not sure anyone would want me 😢😂😂

I don't think that's weird, far weirder when people spend a fortune and get all stressed IMO!

It depends on your family but personally I would include close family in some way as they would want to celebrate with me. Not necessarily on the day but perhaps cook them a dinner a couple of weeks later or something to mark the occasion. It depends though - if the family are going to be annoying about it then just do what you want!

Unless it's a relative (well some of them) or a REALLY close friend, I find weddings can be a bit of a bind. Especially the cost. If a friend told me they'd got married and done it your way I'd be really pleased for them and would have some champagne with them next time we got together. If not at all be offended by not being invited if no one is invited. Do it your way!

We got married with just my parents and my husband's mum, plus our 6 month old asleep in his buggy. We went for a lovely meal, and then came home for an afternoon nap! We spent a bit of money on wedding rings and a terrific photographer (candid stuff, not posed) but I wore a dress I already owned. It was lovely, very private and low key. Do it the way that you like and you feel comfortable with, you'll have a great day however you choose to do it!

We did exactly this in June, except we had our mothers as witnesses. Didn't want a big wedding for the same reasons as you.

Don't think that being together for a long time will make others think they aren't entitled to a piece of your big day. We weren't going to tell anyone until afterwards, but decided in the end to tell them all the weekend before. My family were absolutely fine and supportive, DH's however, didn't react well.

Even now our wedding isn't mentioned by them at all, it has become a bit of a no-go subject.

We are happy with how we did it though and it was a nice day, despite the fallout.

I wouldn't change the way we did it; it was our day, not theirs.

I wouldn't change the way we did it; it was our day, not theirs
Good for you! That's how it should be. :)

We did this. Two friends as witnesses (and not even very close friends, just people we knew would be available midday at no notice in central London), didn't tell anyone, just wore jeans, and went for lunch with our witnesses afterwards. It was lovely. We have two very large, party-focused, wedding-loving families, and no one was unduly disappointed or upset when we eventually got round to telling them a year or so later.

You don't 'owe' anyone a wedding, and as there was never a situation in which we would have considered any kind of 'wedding' (because we are busy and were completely uninterested in planning/organising that kind of thing), so it was either what we did or not getting married at all.

It's all we had, my parents and his mum. Best wedding I've ever been to

I want to do this in Scotland but the wedding registration form asks for details of witnesses. If you are getting random folk to do it on the day what do you do?

Take your children. Find a random person off the street to be the second witness...or ask an MNer.

Fluffyears - I can't imagine that you are forced to stick with the witnesses you name on your registration form. What would happen if they were ill/dead/unavailable on the day - I don't suppose that would stop the wedding.
The nrscotland website does suggest that you only need to complete the witness details form if you have already chosen them.

Aw excellent as I saw that and got worried. Been together ten years and I just want to be married and that's it. Done deal.

We did it on our 25th anniversary. Registry office strongly advised sourcing two of our own witnesses as they couldn't do it and chances of finding members of the public risky.
So we asked two friends and their partners and didn't tell our DCs until the morning (booked them out of school).
Job done back to local for steak, chips and bubbly. Rang parents and told them, mixed reactions in truth. Asked friends via Facebook to join us for a drink and sausages (wedding gift from butcher friend) on sticks in the pub. It was simple and perfect.

We did exatctly this.

We mainly married for legal reasons. Wills, right for the other to decide if something happens to one of us, tax, health insurance, etc
Of course love/the confirmation of wanting to be together did play a minor role, but hey, we have two kids together. They will bind us to each other for our whole life, way more than a certificate of marriage can ever do.

NOBODY about our plans, went to the registry alone (you don't need witnesses where we live). No fancy clothes, no rings, no flowers, no pictures. We explicitly asked the women at the registry for no poems, no sermon, etc, just the bare essentials. She was a little taken aback and could not help herself to say a few flowery words after we signed the necessary papers.
Afterwards we went to a nice café and had cake and coffee. Then we picked up our kid from kindergarten.
We told NOBODY for about a year, and just silently smiled when the inlaws tried to persuade us (again) to get married.
We then started telling some people, when the situation arose, so some of our friends know, my mother knows.
My fathers and my inlaws are completely oblivious of the fact we are married.
The inlaws would have made a BIG fuss about not beeing invited and actually I think my husband is scared to tell them ;-)
He says he will tell them someday when it's been so many years that even they won't bother to make a fuss anymore.
Since I did not change my name, nobody needs to know.

I don't regret anything about it!

I can only encourage you to have the marriage you want!
Don't do anything against your will just because it's expected by somebody else/teh societey/the done thing.

mums aunt was the same as yourself. It was her parented who got really panicked about it as house was in his name etc. So she booked registry office, just her and do went down and then she sling wedding certificate in the draw. No one realised they were married until about 5 yrs later when it came up (she had used his name after first child)

omg my grammer is awful