To not attend a birthday party on my own birthday?

[Beadieeye]

This has caused uproar in the family. My mum expects and wants me to go to a distant relative's surprise birthday party on Saturday- on my birthday. I've already told her several weeks ago that I couldn't give a final answer at the time as I was unsure as to what my birthday plans were.
She says I'm being rude and unreasonable to not want to go and that I should 'think of the children, they will be missing out'.
I felt quite bad at first as I'm not being difficult and usually bow down to her to keep the peace, but I genuinely don't want to go to someone else's gathering on my birthday. I feel it will be awkward, especially because I don't know many people who will be there and these types of events aren't my thing anyway. They fill me with dread!

What are you doing for your birthday? Anything nice planned?

Nah, YANBU. It's a surprise party - it's not like they're expecting you.

Think of the children. They'll be missing out!

Answer: well Mum I am THE child and I don't want to miss out on my own birthday celebrations!

Tell her no you have plans for your own birthday, then stand firm. That's just batshit to be perfectly honest no way would I be doing it, she's the rude and unreasonable one op

YANBU. Enjoy your Birthday.

Alternatively you could channel your inner cheeky fucker, go to the party and make it all about you.

With any luck there will be a MUmsnetter there and it will make a cracking CF thread!

'AIBU, distant relative came to my Mum's surprise party and took over the celebrations because it was her Birthday too'

YANBU. It's your birthday so perfectly reasonable to want do have your day to do what you want. Tell your Mum NO is a full sentence.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. According to your mum you have to prioritise your relative, her and your kids. What you want isn't even on the list - and it's your birthday

It's the one day of the year when it is about you

Any possibility it's actually your surprise party?

Depends. If it's your DGM's 100th birthday then, yes, you should probably make the effort. Under normal circumstances however I think you're entitled to do Your Own Thing. Because it's your birthday. Do you think your DM was relying on you for a lift or something?

If your mother is often quite horrible to you, is it because she doesn't want you to have any attention on your birthday?

Why should you go somewhere you don't want to go to? A distant relative? Please don't be bullied into it.

If you don't have any specific plans and the only reason is "it's my birthday" then it seems a bit off to me personally.

I don't really have any plans, it will probably be a low-key meal if anything. That's kind of my mum's argument and why I feel I might be being a bit of a dick about it 'oh you don't like fuss on your birthday anyway, make an effort it's not like you have much planned anyway'. She seems to think I'll be punishing my kids by making them 'miss out'...
She comes from quite a big family who all live really far away in different areas. Consequently the get-togethers are few and far between but I don't really know any of them :/

I agree with Sirzy

Going to a distant relative's birthday party is bad enough without it being on your own birthday.
Can you book a meal out for yourself and ask your children what they would prefer to do? I'm sure they'd rather help you celebrate!

Noooo, it's definitely not a party for me, although I would think that if I read this as someone else.
Definitely isn't. It's all to do with my mum's side of the family. Some are coming from abroad and different areas so I've been hearing about travelling plans ect and I've been hearing snippets of info about the venue/what music they've requested here and there. It's not hush-hush. It's even an event on Facebook (the relative it's for is quite old and not on social media)

Tell your mum she's welcome to take your dc if she's so worried.

My dd went to a friend's birthday party on her actual birthday when she was 6. We talked about it and she was fine. How much do you really not want to go as you could postpone the meal? Are there really no family members you'd like to see?

Even if it didn't clash with your birthday it would still be OK to give the party a miss. There is a reason why you get an invitation and not a command.

Go, take a birthday cake with candles, get the dj to make everyone sing happy birthday to you. Go on

Haha it's be funny if it's actually a surprise birthday party for you...

If it's not a family member you're close to, and if your children don't know cousins etc that they're close to where they actually would miss out if you don't go, I don't think there's any need for you to go.

Seacabbage yes would be the answer to that.
She doesn't like my birthday and will text me 'happy birthday' the day before to acknowledge it but avoids seeing me on the day for some reason! It's just how she is.
A few years ago we were supposed to go out for a meal to celebrate it but she didn't like my choice of restaurant, and went ballistic when my dad and sister still showed up to it.

Agree with Sirzy - it sounds like it will be quite a nice gathering of your wider family - why not go along and enjoy it and celebrate your birthday the next day?

the relative it's for is quite old and not on social media - that could be me, my 60th is coming up soon & I don't use social media .

Do exactly what you want to do, on your birthday....and to hell with anyone who has the cheek to give you grief over it!

It's my birthday on Sat too. Happy birthday birthday twin! I'm going to be stuck in a car for 3 hours going on holiday.