To not attend a birthday party on my own birthday?

[Beadieeye]

This has caused uproar in the family. My mum expects and wants me to go to a distant relative's surprise birthday party on Saturday- on my birthday. I've already told her several weeks ago that I couldn't give a final answer at the time as I was unsure as to what my birthday plans were.
She says I'm being rude and unreasonable to not want to go and that I should 'think of the children, they will be missing out'.
I felt quite bad at first as I'm not being difficult and usually bow down to her to keep the peace, but I genuinely don't want to go to someone else's gathering on my birthday. I feel it will be awkward, especially because I don't know many people who will be there and these types of events aren't my thing anyway. They fill me with dread!

If you don't want to go, then don't. A low-key meal is a perfectly valid plan to have. Ignore your mum, she sounds like hard work!

Ragwort I see where you're coming from, and the others who think I should go.
The relative is going to be 90, I think she is my mum's second cousin (might be wrong). I'm not on social media generally but have a Facebook account mainly because no one in the family is local and I'd feel a bit bad deactivating it because that's the only 'contact' we have (even though none of us really use it)

Oooh ineedagoodusername happy birthday to you fellow birthday twin for Saturday! Have a lovely holiday

Personally I would go to a relative's 90th birthday party and push my own birthday celebrations backwards or forwards one day. It's rather churlish not to go because it is also your birthday

This is really about your mother trying to dominate you and tell you what to do...which of course, you have no obligation to comply with.

Just say, "I'm not going to make this one as I have made plans for my birthday elsewhere."

She will probably be angry, not because she's so desperate for you to attend the party but because she's used to getting her way. Not getting her way will piss her off.
But so what? You're an adult and the decision is yours.

Tell your bossy and controlling mother to go if she is THAT bothered!

Would you go if it wasn't the same day as your birthday? Or are you genuinely not that bothered about meeting up with your relatives?

What? What's her problem with your birthday?? And she 'went ballistic' about your dad and sister showing up to celebrate your day with you?

I don't think I'd be paying any attention at all to her demands, if I'm honest,

No you don't need to show up to the party. Have a lovely time on your birthday

I'm with PerspicaciaTick on this - I would say it's ok to go even if it wasn't your birthday if this is an event which fills you with dread, as you say. If you were a close knit family or this was a close relative, I'd say it was probably worth making the effort and potentially pushing back your own birthday plans, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

Thank you and I don't think you should go. Have a lovely day.

Ok to NOT go even if it wasn't your birthday, even!

Its probably for you....

Ragwort if I'm being honest, I just really, really don't want to go. If it wasn't my birthday I'd probably force myself but I've thought this one time, I might be able to get away with it being my prerogative how I spend my birthday. But at the same time I'm not being like a 'it's MY birthday'-diva. It's fine with me that my mum is going ect, I just don't want to have to go

You Birthday, you rules.
Why she tells you your selfish, just say "yes I am."

Holger my dad came to my house half an hour after he's dropped me off saying that she was raising hell and he didn't know what to do. She told him she wanted a divorce and she didn't speak to me for 6 months (I guess she wasn't that bothered about the kids then, as she didn't ask after them) and it was all my fault because she didn't 'like anything on the menu' where I wanted to go and didn't want to go to Toby Carvery where she suggested....I know how stupid that sounds btw!

Wowsers! I for one will be cross if you DO go. She is clearly an abusive horror.

She sounds incredibly controlling.

Well it would be a shame for the kids to miss out so why doesn't your mum take them to the party, then you can go out for the evening (If you want to). YANBU if you don't want to go don't go, even if it wasn't your birthday you shouldn't be forced to go to a party you don't want to go to.

It's for her 80 year old second cousin?

Fuck that!

Enjoy your birthday. Go to a Toby's for the laugh.

It's really up to you to do what you like but I think I'd try and go as it's a 90th birthday. I wouldn't be going because your mum told you to though.

My birthday on Saturday too.....and I already have a real twin!

Let her take the kids? Then you can have a lovely meal with partner/husband/friends, lots of wine and a lie in. Sounds like the perfect compromise 😁

123fuschia happy birthday to you too and your twin! Bet I'm the oldest. 39. Urgh.

My brother went to a relative's party on his own birthday. Relative brought out a surprise cake for him, everyone sang to him, lovely. Bro did a nice thing, relative did a nice thing back, everyone felt good. In particular bro had a nicer day, I think, than had he refused to go as a matter of principle. But perhaps if everyone at the party had ignored his birthday (which may or may not happen to you) he'd feel differently. It was only about him for about 2 mins of the whole evening!

Personally I think I'd go and do my own thing another day, because I don't think I'd particularly enjoy the feeling of skipping the party.

It doesn't sound like your mother brings much to your life apart from stress, upset and discord. With every one in her life trying to please her she will never learn. Did you miss her for those 6 months she didn't speak to you? It bloody hurts when you feel like a parent doesn't care for you but she is in the wrong and you deserve better. Sounds like she is the one who has created the situation of you not liking your birthday. Maybe break the cycle and do something big, with your kids and have fun! Even if you just go skating and have pizza out. You don't want to pass onto your children that their birthdays shouldn't be celebrated. Your mother has an issue and thats her problem.