To not attend a birthday party on my own birthday?

[Beadieeye]

This has caused uproar in the family. My mum expects and wants me to go to a distant relative's surprise birthday party on Saturday- on my birthday. I've already told her several weeks ago that I couldn't give a final answer at the time as I was unsure as to what my birthday plans were.
She says I'm being rude and unreasonable to not want to go and that I should 'think of the children, they will be missing out'.
I felt quite bad at first as I'm not being difficult and usually bow down to her to keep the peace, but I genuinely don't want to go to someone else's gathering on my birthday. I feel it will be awkward, especially because I don't know many people who will be there and these types of events aren't my thing anyway. They fill me with dread!

Don't go op. You have plans to relax on your birthday & go where the breeze takes you :-D My favourites plan is having no plans.

I share a birthday with SIL - we're not close but we always send each other cards etc. Many years ago she decided to have a big party on a significant birthday of hers - on the actual birthday itself. We went along to the party - she didn't so much as even wish me happy birthday, let alone give me a card that year. It was a torturous evening and I swore I wouldn't do it again....

Roll on a decade and once again she wanted to have a big party on our her birthday, only this time we would all be going to share a villa in Spain. I flatly refused and told DH he could go on his own. Wisely, he declined and we stayed home and celebrated my own birthday instead.

YANBU to not want to do this; I'd do it if it was a shared birthday with a friend, but never again with someone I -don't particularly like am not close to.

I would go.
It's not about how far removed you are from your birthday twin, it's about the fact that it is a rare opportunity where your extended family get together. Your mother has a point about you depriving your children of the opportunity to understand who is who in the wider family and meeting people that make up their family tree.
It isn't relevant it is your birthday. You can celebrate the day / week before or afterwards.
I like my birthday. I like to go for a meal or mark it in some way, but it doesn't have to be on the specific day, you can celebrate on a nearby day. Indeed my (just about to be) 16 yr old is going to my Aunt's 80th on her (my dd's) birthday soon. It's fine. She's mature enough to understand this is a big occasion for my Aunt, and she can spread her own birthday out over a week or two. She is mature enough to understand that it means a lot to her great Aunt to have the wider family there. I didn't need to tell her that, or to persuade her, she understands that sometimes life isn't 'all about me'.

I'd probably use it as a chance to say a few things I'd been meaning to say. "Are you sure you want me there mother? You usually prefer to avoid me on my birthday."
Try & think honestly about what with be best for you on the actual day. I know I'd end up going because my birthday would be tainted by my mother whether I went or not but I would use it to clear the air a bit so she didn't feel she'd somehow won.

I stayed with friends on my birthday once - they had a birthday cake with candles for someone else in the afternoon (to celebrate their recent birthday). I wasnt expecting it and assumed it was for me (well, it was my birthday!). It was v embarrassing!

I could understand if it was a close relative, But since you can't even say how you are related - I really don't see how there is any obligation

Unless there are closer relatives - Aunts, cousins flying in? Although it's still your choice even then

things I have done on my birthday other than have a celebration jsut for me:

• end of degree celebration
• played in a concert
• been on a hen do
• been to a wedding
• given evidence in court
• sat an exam
• taken DC to a child's birthday party

This doesn't seem to be the occasion to have a frank conversation with your mother: if you dont' go and she does, it's obvious you will be the Bad Person to your wider family, and there's probably no real way back from that label (you might not care about this, of course). If you already had non-movable plans for your birthday, that would be different. If going to the party would be expense you couldn't afford, that would be different. But as this doesn't seem to be the case, the only reason for not going to a family member's big, significant, won't be many more like it birthday party is that it is also your birthday.

A few years ago a surprise party was arranged for my sil on my birthday. I was a bit put out as I had wanted to book a weekend away but we did go to the party. I am glad I did as although I didn't particularly enjoy it, she was grateful we were there.

So she has an issue with your birthday, tries really hard to stop you celebrating it, and is trying to pretend that this year she doesn't want you to celebrate because of the second cousin, when really every year she finds a way to avoid celebrating your birthday?

Have you tried asking your dad why she's weird about your birthday? Was it a bad birth, traumatic memories?

Otherwise, I'd just point out to her that you don't believe she particularly cares about the 2nd cousins birthday, because she's picked a fight and tried to stop you celebrating so many previous birthdays, you no longer believe her excuses. That you look forward to hearing the reason why you're not allowed to have a celebration next year.

None of my siblings are going, they live in different cities (they never came back home after leaving for uni), they aren't expected to go in the way I am. We believe she uses the fact that I have children to control me, whereas they don't have any.
They think I'd be mad to go, and want to do something to celebrate my birthday instead.
I did say last week that I wouldn't be going but she has pretended I haven't and has continued calling, texting, asking through other people, asking how I will be getting there, ect.
Thank you everyone for your advice and different opinions, I probably didn't make a few things clear about the awful relationship we have, I was more wanting to know whether I wbu on the face of things by not going.
I won't be going, and she will probably cut contact again, something which I'm relieved at the thought of tbh.

Definitely don't go, your mother sounds awful and seems to be just using this as an excuse as another way of ruining your birthday.

Take your siblings up on their offer to celebrate with you, you deserve to enjoy yourself.

And you never know, you may get six more months of peace

Ineedagoodusername - beat you! 55 on Saturday!

Good for you OP and it's good to hear you have supportive siblings. Wonder why they didn't go back to live at home? .

I know the OP said distant but "mum's second cousin" makes her as distant as almost no relative at all.

Your mum is batshit and anyone on this thread who thinks you should go is not far behind.

Your mother's frankly bizarre behaviour swings it for me. Don't you dare go!!

I hope you have a lovely day doing exactly what you want with the people you want to be with.

It sounds as if your siblings have got away - time for you to break free too! Happy birthday for Saturday.

Celebrate with your siblings and family and have a great time.

Who'd want to be sipping tea with a 90 year old distant relative you don't know to appease a mother who treats you like shit?

Put You First, Be Kind to Yourself!
If you Don't want to go - Don't!
Enjoy Your Birthday, Time is Precious, Spend it with ppl who Lift you Up & Love You, Choose Love, Choose You 💕