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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree to DSS taking my name

57 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 07/08/2017 17:13

I have 2 DSS (19/13). Both DSS names are set out as Bob (1st name) Jones (their deceased DM's maiden name as a middle name not as part of the surname) Smith (DH surname). All name are examples only. My name is Blue (1st name) Cat-(my maiden name) Smith.

Both DSS are known and Bob/Bill Smith. Only their DM's family use Jones Smith as their surname.

Both DSS have been talking about taking my name so becoming Bob/Bill Jones Cat-Smith.

I admit I would be ok with this but worry about how their DM's family would take it. DH is happy for the change and has suggested he changes his last name to mine as well.

So would DH and I be unreasonable to agree with this? Would you agree to this? Would you be ok with this?

OP posts:
twolittleboysonetiredmum · 07/08/2017 17:15

Hmm it's tricky. Totally makes sense for them to share a family name but i wonder if they regret it at some point in the future as almost like removing their mum? (I realise not literally). Perhaps do it informally for a while and see how it goes?

Genghi · 07/08/2017 17:18

If my sister had died and my neice's stepmum and dad were actively encouraging her to change her name I would be furious. If the 19 yo wants to do it (without interference or his dad making helpful comments about changing his name) then fine. But I think the 13 yo shouldn't be allowed to until he's over 18.

Genghi · 07/08/2017 17:19

I also think you should stay out of it and not encourage any decision either way. It would be so easy for you to get the blame if either of the boys regret it later down the line.

Paperdoll16 · 07/08/2017 17:21

Where their DM's surname their middle name from birth? I know they're not talking about removing it, I'm just enquiring.

How long has it been since you have brought them up as such?

I think the fact that they are asking is a sign that they want to be included as part of a family unit with you and DH. Although I'm surprised the 19 yr old cares that much now. He has his DF's surname and it's more of a faff adding another surname for the sake of it and if maternal GM potentially has an issue with the suggestion.

whyareusernamessodifficult · 07/08/2017 17:22

Are they keeping their mother's maiden name and adding yours. If so I think that would be fine.

However, if they are replacing their mother's name with yours I would say no.

ParadiseCity · 07/08/2017 17:22

When did their mum die? When did you get together? I guess it isn't really actually up to you anyway?... but I think I would 'give my blessing'. Is there something that has sparked this off? Do you have any other children and what are their names?

My mum died when I was small and my stepmum is amazing. I would have liked the names of my mum, stepmum and dad.

HoHoHoHo · 07/08/2017 17:23

Of course you're not unreasonable to agree to it if that's what they want. You'd be unreasonable if you were pushing for it but it doesn't seem like you are.

Booboobooboo84 · 07/08/2017 17:23

I don't think your being unreasonable and your dss are old enough to make the decision

Original poster
Mrbluethecatt · 07/08/2017 18:16

Dss's DM died over 12 years ago. DH and I have been married 10 year later this year.

My name would be added, their DM's maiden name would remain as a middle name.

It was DSS2 who initially suggested it, asking if it was possible. I have not given my opinion either way as it's not my decision though the DSSs would like my blessing.

Both DSSs have generally over the years called me by my first name not mum. Occasionally when they were sick or over tired would they call me this. In the last 6 months both have been using mum more often.

Their grandmother (their DM'S mother) has always been very cold an standoffish with me which is understandable. I can imagine she would be upset about the kids adding my name to their surname.

I don't want the DSS's to think I'm rejecting the idea of them having my name, that I don't think of them as mine. If you see what I mean.

OP posts:
Motherbear26 · 07/08/2017 18:36

This is a pretty awkward situation. I'm sure the dm's family would not like the idea. The thought of your dear departed daughter's dc taking the name of her 'replacement' may sting a little. I could imagine looking down on my husband after I'm gone (obviously hoping I never have to!), being furious at him for something like this.

However looking at this objectively, as the mother of two dc, from a completely non-selfish perspective, I have to admit I would be genuinely happy and relieved that my dc had found a step-parent who has completely devoted herself to raising my children when I couldn't, and who they both obviously love and respect enough to want you to be included fully. They just want you all to be a family, in name as in every other way and I see no reason at all for you not to agree.

WhittlingIhopMonkey · 07/08/2017 18:40

I wouldn't do it unless you are/have formally adopted them. Otherwise, to their DMs, family it will feel like their mum.is bring erased.
Not that you haven't been a mum to them of course and they are clearly mad about you.

Original poster
Mrbluethecatt · 07/08/2017 18:59

WhittlingIhopMonkey I haven't adopted them. I am wondering if this is something DSS2 is thinking about.

OP posts:
WhittlingIhopMonkey · 07/08/2017 19:02

Maybe discuss adoption with their dad and then see how they feel about it after? You are in it for the long haul clearly, would you make it formal at your end if they are willing to legally change their names for you?

Paperdoll16 · 07/08/2017 19:14

So DSS2 was only one when his DM died? He probably sees you as his DM whole heartedly and I don't think anyone else should question what the dear boy wants at his tender age.

My DM died when I was 8. I can speak from experience on how he must be feeling. It's wonderful that you are understanding to his feelings.

dadadadathatslife · 07/08/2017 19:18

Personally it's no from me.

It's almost like a slap in the face to the woman who gave birth to them and is their actual mother. I don't doubt you're lovely and they're very close to you but the littlest one wouldn't even have really known his mum if she died when he was really little.

If I were the family of the deceased I would be inclined to think the memory of my daughter/sister etc was being extinguished.

Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear

youarenotkiddingme · 07/08/2017 19:21

So you've raise one DSs for half his life and one for nearly all of it?

Personally I think not being thrilled they want your name and trying to persuade them against it would be quite heartbreaking for them.

They aren't trying to forget their mum. They aren't removing her name. They are adding the person who has physically been a mum to them.

Notevilstepmother · 07/08/2017 19:22

If it's what the children want then you should consider it. Does your DH have your name as well?

Papafran · 07/08/2017 19:25

I think it's really nice that they want to take your name. You have obviously done a brilliant job. It's very sad, but the mum is dead and nothing is going to bring her back. Especially for the younger boy, he will have no memory of her and to him, you are his mother, which is probably why they are calling you mum. They do not have a double barreled surname at the moment, so it's not like they will 'erase' her memory or anything like that. If it makes them and you feel closer as a family unit, they should do it. If the mum's family are decent people, they will understand.

Sistersofmercy101 · 07/08/2017 19:28

As a grown up who was once a child in a non biological family situation, I think that your step sons are just searching for a cementation of their bond with you - they're not rejecting their birth sadly deceased parent but looking to acknowledge their very important bond with you. But that's just my take on it. Hope all works out well for your family :)

Papafran · 07/08/2017 19:29

It's almost like a slap in the face to the woman who gave birth to them and is their actual mother. I don't doubt you're lovely and they're very close to you but the littlest one wouldn't even have really known his mum if she died when he was really little

Actually, I would say that raising two children from early childhood makes you a mother. Our society has an odd fixation on biology and the notion that you can only have two parents. Surely it's about who has been there and brought you up. To these boys, the OP is their actual mother. That does not change the fact that their deceased mother was also their mother.

RandomMess · 07/08/2017 19:36

If it's what the boys want - and it seems DSS2 does as it's his idea then I would let them do it.

OP is their Mum, it's tragic that their first/bio/real mum died but them changing their surname doesn't erase her or their genes and wider family bounds. They are asserting where they see themselves and the people in their lives that matter to them.

Original poster
Mrbluethecatt · 07/08/2017 19:36

DSS2 was 7 months when she died so yes I have been the only mother figure in his life.

DH has told me ( only me) he would change his name too if the boys did.

DH and I have discussed me adopting them but I have put it off.

I have never tried to replace their DM. We remember and celebrate her birthday, when she died and have pictures of her in the house including her and DH's wedding and both the boys christening photos.

I don't want to say no as I worry it would be taken by them as me saying I don't want to be their mum. I do, I want to shout it's from the roof, claim them as mine. But what about their DM'S family? They have went through/lost enough?

OP posts:
Ollycat · 07/08/2017 19:37

My dm died many many years ago - I think it would be lovely for you all to have the same surname. No one is erased but it acknowledges that you are all a family.

You are not responsible for their mothers death. If I died I would be so happy to have someone like you to take care of my dc and raise them in an environment where they want this to happen and call you mum. They had such a huge loss at such an early age they probably just want the security of knowing you are all a unit. If any of their dm's family members are in unhappy then I think they are not placing the boys interests and wishes to the fore.

Booboobooboo84 · 07/08/2017 19:40

Could your older DSS broach the subject with his mums family. if it's coming from him then it's much easier to understand.

Adviceplease360 · 07/08/2017 19:44

This is absolutely lovely and a real testament to your wonderful relationship. Definitely change their names if they want to, their mother is gone and thank God they have you. Especially lovely after reading a horrible step parent thread here. Take care op