To agree to DSS taking my name

[Mrbluethecatt]

I have 2 DSS (19/13). Both DSS names are set out as Bob (1st name) Jones (their deceased DM's maiden name as a middle name not as part of the surname) Smith (DH surname). All name are examples only. My name is Blue (1st name) Cat-(my maiden name) Smith.

Both DSS are known and Bob/Bill Smith. Only their DM's family use Jones Smith as their surname.

Both DSS have been talking about taking my name so becoming Bob/Bill Jones Cat-Smith.

I admit I would be ok with this but worry about how their DM's family would take it. DH is happy for the change and has suggested he changes his last name to mine as well.

So would DH and I be unreasonable to agree with this? Would you agree to this? Would you be ok with this?

It's heartbreaking that these boys lost their mum so young - but it sounds like you did a wonderful job.

Neither are little children anymore, so I think you'd be perfectly within your rights to explain to your younger stepson that this might upset his grandmother. If he still wants to do it, you have your answer.

I would also consider adoption. It's an awful thought, but what if something happened to your husband?

You sounds like a lovely SM.

I think at 13 wanting to connect to you is not something done lightly..

I would get DH to talk to DM.. Not something a 13 year old should have to deal with. As for her response.. I don't think a frosty response is justified either...You have raised her grandchildren in circumstances that very sadly her DD was unable to raise them.. but sounds like you did a great job .

As someone who legally changed her name to match my dad's (too long a story there) I'd say seeing as DSS1 is 19 he can do what he likes as he's an adult and whether the family are annoyed or not tjats their problem.
As for DSS2 it'll be a bit trickier, but seeing as DM isn't around and his dad seems ok with the idea then I don't see why it would be a problem. They're obviously keen to do so, and at the end of the day its their decision. (And if they change their minds in the future they can always legally change it back anyway). Either way, I think it's lovely they want to do that, and I hope things work out

I can't change my name as all of my PhDs are in my married name.

I have spoken to DSS1(19), both DSS2 and DH are away tonight. DSS has explained that they are both wanting to show people especially their DM's family that I am their mum. I was unaware that their GM has been making increasing shitty comments about never the last 6 months. Even going as far as insinuating that I knew DH before their DM's death. Which is untrue.

This explains why DSS1 hasn't been seeing his GM and why DSS2 has been increasingly reluctant to go either.

This also explains why I got a mother's Day card for the first time this year.

Mrbluethecatt they love you and want to shout it to the world - they sound lovely boys and you are their mum

Aw wonderful boys! Definitely allow them to change their names, hope your relationship carries on like this. Ignore the silly gm

If the boys want to do this I would let them, I think it is a lovely statement about your special role in their life and in no way detracts from their love for their mother.

You also need to have a firm word with the GM and tell her the harm she is doing to her relationship with her grandsons.