Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To agree to DSS taking my name

57 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 07/08/2017 17:13

I have 2 DSS (19/13). Both DSS names are set out as Bob (1st name) Jones (their deceased DM's maiden name as a middle name not as part of the surname) Smith (DH surname). All name are examples only. My name is Blue (1st name) Cat-(my maiden name) Smith.

Both DSS are known and Bob/Bill Smith. Only their DM's family use Jones Smith as their surname.

Both DSS have been talking about taking my name so becoming Bob/Bill Jones Cat-Smith.

I admit I would be ok with this but worry about how their DM's family would take it. DH is happy for the change and has suggested he changes his last name to mine as well.

So would DH and I be unreasonable to agree with this? Would you agree to this? Would you be ok with this?

OP posts:

SheldonsSpot · 07/08/2017 19:44

I think both children are old enough for you and your DH to discuss with them how their mother's family might feel about this, and ask them to consider them and their feelings before making any decision.

EmotionalTeaspoon · 07/08/2017 19:47

Go with your instincts and don't tell them no, that would break their hearts. They obviously see you as their mum and want to acknowledge that, and that is lovely. It's their names, and their choice, not their grandmothers. They're not getting rid of their mother's name, they're adding yours. Which is a good parallel to what has actually happened in their lives - they've not forgotten their mother, they've just gained another one.

grannytomine · 07/08/2017 19:48

You must be a fantastic step mum and the boys obviously love you very much. You should be very proud. I am a grandmother and much as I can understand how their grandmother would feel I think she should focus on the fact that you have made her grandsons happy. I am lucky in that my children are all alive but 2 of my grandsons have a fantastic step father and I am glad they have such a good relationship with him, I wouldn't want them to shut their father out but I wouldn't be upset about including their step father. I know it is easier for me as it doesn't involve the loss of a child.

My father died when we were children, I was a teenager when my mum remarried but my little brother was only 7. At the wedding he ran up to step dad and said, "Can I call you dad now?" My step father said, "No, I'm not your dad." I can still see my brothers sad little face.

Woopzies · 07/08/2017 19:53

Should discuss it with their DM's family n see how they feel about it.

MadMags · 07/08/2017 19:56

Honestly, I think the feelings which take priority here are the boys'. And I'd be more worried about hurting them than hurting their extended family.

Dss 13 has never known any mum other than you. And I think he's old enough to make his own decision. Same goes for adopting him. Them, really.

MadMags · 07/08/2017 19:57

Should discuss it with their DM's family n see how they feel about it.

Why, though? Why should their feelings matter as much as or more than the boys'?

Adviceplease360 · 07/08/2017 20:00

Btw I wouldn't discuss with anyone else, only your boys opinion matters

Welshrainbow · 07/08/2017 20:01

Do it, they are not removing their DMs surname just adding yours and while their DMs family may be upset they are adults and really the opinions that really matter are you DSS's and DHs.

Popskipiekin · 07/08/2017 20:01

This is lovely really. I feel for the DM's family but you have essentially raised them and, now they are old enough to do so, the DSSs are acknowledging what a key part of their lives you are. They want you all to have the same surname and they want a bit of you in their names. As DH would change his surname too then you can sell it more as just wanting to provide a stable background/identity for the younger DSS in particular, rather than erasing their DM's name (which has never been a surname).

belmontian · 07/08/2017 20:05

As it stands you all share the same surname now? (except your maiden name is double-barrelled) Why then are pp's saying it is understandable as they want to be part of the family etc?

I think it sounds as if they want there to be recognition that you are a major part of their lives, perhaps aimed towards their maternal DGM who you say has always been cold to you.

Kewcumber · 07/08/2017 20:05

They aren't changing from their mothers name to your name

They are suggesting changing their name from their fathers surname to a hyphenated surname reflecting your role in their upbringing. I don't see how thats rejecting their mother especially as they will keep her surname as a middle name.

I think it is a bit odd to be sensitive about a surname that wasn't even hers.

Kewcumber · 07/08/2017 20:08

my DS was adopted and not only took my surname (the horror) but also my prefered first name.

His birth parents are still a huge and influential part of his life

And like in your case his surnmae was not his birth mothers surname

Kewcumber · 07/08/2017 20:08

And they're not chopping an arm off. If they change their mind later they can change it back.

onemorecakeplease · 07/08/2017 20:15

Wouldn't it be easier for everyone if you dropped your maiden name barrel part and became smith like them
Then nobody gets offended. Everyone has the same surname - you are showing you want to be the same as them/be their mum.
Just a thought. You probably don't want to but it's the first thing I thought of!

Goingtobeawesome · 07/08/2017 20:16

The children are keeping their middle name/mum's maiden name . They are just changing their surname from dad only to step mum and dad. Why all the talk of replacing and removing?

DressedCrab · 07/08/2017 20:17

It's what the boys want that matters. No one else is as important.

Ollycat · 07/08/2017 20:18

onemorecakeplease that's a bit like erasing the OP though.

I genuinely think adding the OP name to the boys - if that is their choice- is a wonderful generous idea.

TheHoundOfWinchester · 07/08/2017 20:19

I've been in a similar situation but as the child. My DF died when I was 5 years old and my DM went onto form a new relationship with my step father about a year or so later.

I decided when I was around 13/14 that I'd like to share a name with the person who had raised me but I also didn't want to let go of my connection with my DF so had the surname double barreled, my own children now have that same surname also so have links to both their DGF and DSGF

It was a huge thing for me to do and I had the backing of both my DSF and my DM and I'm sure if my DF were alive he'd have been pleased that someone else was willing to look at me and care for me as if I was his own.

howthelightgetsin · 07/08/2017 20:19

I think it's lovely that they want to do this. I'm trying to imagine what I would want for my DS, who is 1, were I to die tomorrow and another woman raise him. I'd like to think I'd just be so thankful that he was raised by someone who loved him that much (clearly) that he wanted to acknowledge her in this way.

Redglitter · 07/08/2017 20:20

Totally agree with pp the wants and opinions of the grandparents are secondary to the boys wishes.

If they want you to adopt them and have your name make the decision based on what you and they want. No-one else's opinion matters

GetOffTheTableMabel · 07/08/2017 20:24

I think your DH should engage with his late wife's parents about this - in a letter so that they can read it, have a reaction and then revisit it afterwards.
They have no right to be critical or disapproving but it is understandable that they may feel upset. He should outline the family's reasons and explain that their daughter is not forgotten but that this is about a family today and it is right for their grandchildren, for him and for the woman who had raised and loved their grandchildren while respecting them and respecting their daughter.
You clearly have good instincts about what is right for your DSSs & I think you should listen to them here. Your younger stepson wants to add to the feeling of permanence & perhaps wants to legitimise his use of the word 'mum' towards you. There can't be anything wrong in that.

Rossigigi · 07/08/2017 20:24

This has brought tears to my eyes.
I hope should anything happen to me that my boys have a stepmum like you. You sound totally devoted to them and they wish to make their family unit complete by name.
100% support them in this if this is what they want. It will be hard without a shadow of doubt on their mums family but surely their feels come first.

Alicetherabbit · 07/08/2017 20:32

I think its lovely they want to take your name, it's a testament to you being a great step mum to them, when their own mother couldn't be there. Personally if anything happened to me and dd had a step mum I'd be glad she loved her rather than hated her!

PavlovianLunge · 07/08/2017 20:34

I'm reminded of that favourite MN saying... when someone tells you who they are, listen. Your DSS is telling you that he's your son and wants to be recognised as such. Not to erase his mother, but to acknowledge that you're all one family.

They're both old enough to know their minds, so I'd say talk to them, honestly and openly, and then do it. It might prove to be difficult with their grandmother, but this isn't about her, so she is just going to have to accept the situation, graciously or otherwise.

And yes, it sounds like a tentative first step towards adoption.

Good luck.

LittleWingSoul · 07/08/2017 20:34

What is your relationship like with DM's family? This is key, really.

FWIW my DH's mother died when he was a teenager and the blended family that ensued is incredibly close... to the point they use a sort of jokey blended surname of the 2 families (think 'Smones' for Smith + Jones).

I also think it's really lovely the kids want to do this, that your DH is happy to change his name, and really... Would DM be looking down from wherever she is and be cross about something like this? I think the fact that ones children are well looked after in a stable, loving family is the best thing I could hope for were I to pass away - and that they felt the way they do about you about a stepmother! I guess this is why it really hinges on how DM's family will feel about it.

Flip

1 2 3