IsDHbu?!

[user1484937392]

Is DH bring unreasonable?
We have 2 DD's. Dd1 is 13. Dd2 is 12.
Dd2 has always been that kid that gets nits. No matter what we have done, she attracts them.
DH says it's now time that DD2 does her own hair as DD1 has been doing hers since she was 11. Like just going through it. Keeping ontop of it. I do the whole nit lotion thing but that every day she should go through it. Now DD2 can't even put her hair up in a pony tail properly. DH says I mother her too much. That DD2 expects me to do it all the time (which she does) so now DH has taken her phone away until she proves she can do her hair. I feel DH is BU sometimes. DD2 gets into a state about it and I do it as it's easier tbh. I'm not allowed to remind DD2 or tell her or help. She has to do it herself. She can go days without brushing her hair too. She starts YR8 in a brand new school in Sept so DH wants her to 'grow up' and take responsibility. Is he BU?!

How do you think she'll manage her period? It will be surely coming up pretty soon. Does she talk about it?

And i totally get the 'anything for a quiet life'.

Been there done that. Ends up with whole loads more work for you in the long run

You have admitted she's on the spectrum. Love and patience op. Do a bit of reading otherwise you will end up damaging your dd. She very likely has a neuro developmental disability possibly with other co-morbidities. Your DH is working against her, stop facilitating him. It's borderline abusive.

if she wont sort her own hair out at this age then sorry bob it and move on - if she truly cares about it being long and clean and nit free she will get on with it. Properly tied up is best way to avoid nits although this is generally less of a problem in high school as they are not generally working in such close proximity to others.

I don't disagree that she needs to grow up and own the issue not sure I agree with his methods - in that phone completely unconnected to hair. I would go with the maintain it or lose it - it can always grow

Cut it short.

I do think that she is now about the age that she should be taking over the "control" of her appearance, including her hair. However, I view nits as a medical problem and think that if she has nits, then there should be parental input.

The day-to-day hair brushing, styling, combing, cleaning, shampooing and conditioning of hair should be her domain; though in the initial months it's fine to remind her until she's in her own routine.

I'm very surprised that a 12 year old can't comb and tie their own hair up yet. What does she do on days that she plays sport? Perhaps a short bob would be most appropriate if she cannot manage longer hair. Explain to her that she is now old enough that her hair is her responsibility and that it will be kept short until she demonstrates that she can manage it. If she can't manage it short then why are you letting her grow it long - I'm really unsurprised that she keeps getting nits if she's not keeping care of her hair).

Have you tried Tee Tree oil? It keeps nits at bay and is natural.

However, whoever did that Autism assessment needs to be shot.

Those are not appropriate reasons to give for someone not having autism.

She very likely has a neuro developmental disability possibly with other co-morbidities

"She very likely has a neuro developmental disability possibly with other co-morbidities. "

And you can diagnose that over the internet, can you?

Your job as a parent is to help your children become independent. Sorry I'm with DH. Kids like this don't get invited to our house cos they're hard work.

Jeez what a kerfuffle. Shes 12 not 22 tie her hair up for her, how is he going to cope when it is something genuinely serious?
I have 3 girls the eldest is a total mirror hog at 20 and has been for years, the middle one is a twin with waist length hair and hates her hair being touched full stop always has, she does begrudgingly brush it into a scraggy tail but I don't fuss - when it matters she makes the effort and looks stunning the rest of the time she is to be found under a car fixing it..... She also doesn't wear make up or heels ever . The wee one has ginger curls and tolerates it being brushed so far.
Maybe get her to choose her hair stuff? Doea she not like the brush / comb she has if her scalp is sensitive. Or maybe she just isn't stereotypically girlie.

She has been tested for Autism but they said because she can get the bus to school and back, get A's in her school work etc etc she's ok
Who did the test(s)? Kids are only referred because there's a fairly strong suspicion they could have the condition they are being tested for. That comment isn't amazingly reassuring that the assessor knows their stuff, kids can still do those things but present with significant difficulties in other areas, the "immaturity" for one.

Have they tested her processing speed?
What's her handwriting like?
Can she follow verbal instructions well?
Does she have any sensory issues?
Does she say brushing her hair is painful?
Does she actually have the co-ordination needed to brush and ponytail her hair?
What does she say when asked why she can't do it?
Can she remember the order things need to be done with her hair? If not, do her a chart with pictures showing all the steps she needs to do, in order, so she can follow that. Stick with it if it helps.

I'm very concerned that she's being told off for something she cannot physically do, so would want to eliminate that before imposing sanctions.
Can you self-refer to a Paediatric Occupational Therapist with experience in sensory processing and motor control? They will test her and let you know if she's able or not.

blankface put it better than me. My dd had underlying ADHD. Got A's and A*'s. At GCSE the pressure got too much. Depression, anxiety, cutting, anorexia, overdoses. I can see parallels with your dd aged 12. We were kind and supported her always and yet things escalated. We had no idea until she was 17 that she had ADHD. Always well behaved. Always high achieving. Few friendships issues except for being quiet. She's mildly dyslexic too but not enough for a full diagnosis although she has a laptop for exams. She has some ASD traits too but not enough for a diagnosis. She's also, funny, gifted, talented, loving, beautiful and my very loved and supported dd. The last not helped her recover.

Dyspraxic not dyslexic.

She wants it long so I felt I'd give her the benefit of the doubt after a long conversation which spanned maybe 3 weeks or so. She said she would keep it up, I again showed her over and over (as did DD1) how to do it and to no avail. When she had a pixie cut she couldn't even look after that. Would go out looking like a scarecrow (get severely bullied for it) and say it's done.
We went to ADRC in Southampton after being on a caff as well as her being referred to calms.
Now I used to say she's the way she is because of a condition she may have. But that theory has been put to the test over and over again. She can sit and do mascara and eyeliner on her lower eye lid. Can do makeup pretty well actually. Can shave without problem when she needs too. Very organised. Packs her Monday school bag on a Friday. Packs Tuesday PE kit on a Friday. Homework always been on time. Never had any friends. Not really liked. Had a few sleepovers, after which the girls would dump her. Never see them again. Very whiney. Needy. Bossy. Very very bossy. Dominates situations otherwise hates it and will walk off. If asked why she can't do it she either shrugs or says she doesn't know how too. When I say she does she says she can't then. Her handwriting is beautiful. She can read and speak German after only being introduced to it in September. Very fluent. If she knows something about DD1 she can't wait to tell. She repeats things to everyone and anyone. Very showyoffy.
So that's the low down on DD2. She refused to get a wash tonight and I'm not fighting her right now.

Well, you accidentally taught her that she's the Queen Bee who doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want. Stamp your feet. Pretend you can't. Get your own way. Every time. Seems like her peer group won't stand for it.

The last thing you need to do is keep the peace. Do her a favour and be the dominant one. My god there will be princess hissy fits at the removal of her princess privileges and the slaves revolting.

Apply the basic rule: a tantrum gets you nothing (probably the opposite of what you want).

You might need a behavioural specialist to help you to learn how to put a stop to this crap.

Poor older DD seeing the little princess get her own way all the time.

I think your DH is right. This is clearly a battle of wills from your description. I dread to think what the teenage years will be like if you refuse to face down tantrums about washing and hair brushing without caving in.

Well, you accidentally taught her that she's the Queen Bee who doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want. Stamp your feet. Pretend you can't. Get your own way. Every time. Seems like her peer group won't stand for it
That's what I thought. OP has had the best intentions but the effect of it is that there is a pre teen who is used to calling the shots. Other kids won't put up with it.

If she can't look after her hair on a day to day basis then I'd insist that she had it cut short... I know you said it's been cut short, but if it can be tied up in a ponytail then it's too long. Maybe think about a pixie cut style or similar?

If it's shorter especially at the back then maybe that will reduce the number of times she gets nits as well.

I suspect your DH would tell us the missing bits....

Sounds like he's done the right thing

Lazy pre teen. Can't do hair or prevent spreading her bits, but is glued to her phone!

"prevent spreading her bits,"

What. A. Typo.

I'm with your DH here, and by failing to make your DD take responsibility you're putting him in one hell of am awkward position. You two need to agree on a compromise, but that must include your DD doing her own hair.

Nits and lice are just one of those (beastly little) things. We had a bout a few years back and all combed each others' hair.

My DH and DD2 don't have the best r.ship to say the least. I feel DD2 behaviour in general has got to DH so much that now even if she speaks he can be known to fly off the handle at her. DD1 is pretty much on a pedestal. She can do no wrong and she actually doesn't. DH talks to her as an adult, can ask her to do stuff and she does it. Doesn't cause problems or arguments. Doesn't flit around and go on at me like DD2 does.
I'm thinking that maybe DH is just in that position where DD2 is just a nuisance now. I mean she does mess up constantly. Will get up at 6am and makes sure everyone is up with her. She is very defensive (but I can see why) and can be nasty. You have to constantly remind DD2 NOT to repeat what has been said to others. She cannot help but tell people stuff that is either private or just nonsense. We took her the other day to her new school and the teacher was asking me questions, about DD1 options, to which DD2 piped up "Well it didn't help when I had my teeth removed" I was like face palm!
Sorry completely off target there but I see why DH just doesn't give her a chance anymore in a way.
I used to enjoy helping her learn to do her hair etc but now it's become a chore. It's become repetitive.
I'm applying again to ADRC as I swear there's something.
I know I'll probably get slated and I expect that but I feel like she does give me bad anxiety. If DH is asleep in the day (works nights) DD2 will be so SO loud like she wants to wake him. Why?! She knows what's going to happen.
He isn't all bad. She got A's on her last report so treated her to a new phone. He plays games with her, she teaches him German so when they are good they are amazing. But when they are bad I want to leave.

I'm not sure I ever taught my daughter to do her hair ...
She obviously got the gist of what needed doing from seeing me do it (and do my own hair) and has then just practiced doing it herself until she got it right.

I think most 12 year olds probably have a clue about how their hair should be done (and there is always you tube).

I'm one of them that enjoy doing my hair, makeup etc. She's always watched me and her sister but still nothing. YouTube?! She watches kids opening kinder eggs maybe this post should be on a different thread. Lol.
Thank you though to everyone who has replied. I had a dream last night that she went to live with her g.parents and even in my dream my anxiety shot out the window. I feel like a bloody failure sometimes. I shouldn't feel this way but onwards & upwards. I have hope that when she starts her new school she may pack up her ideas and be more aware of what she's doing. I got to have hope other wise what's left?