Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IsDHbu?!

79 replies

user1484937392 · 07/08/2017 16:08

Is DH bring unreasonable?
We have 2 DD's. Dd1 is 13. Dd2 is 12.
Dd2 has always been that kid that gets nits. No matter what we have done, she attracts them.
DH says it's now time that DD2 does her own hair as DD1 has been doing hers since she was 11. Like just going through it. Keeping ontop of it. I do the whole nit lotion thing but that every day she should go through it. Now DD2 can't even put her hair up in a pony tail properly. DH says I mother her too much. That DD2 expects me to do it all the time (which she does) so now DH has taken her phone away until she proves she can do her hair. I feel DH is BU sometimes. DD2 gets into a state about it and I do it as it's easier tbh. I'm not allowed to remind DD2 or tell her or help. She has to do it herself. She can go days without brushing her hair too. She starts YR8 in a brand new school in Sept so DH wants her to 'grow up' and take responsibility. Is he BU?!

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 07/08/2017 16:51

Hibu in the way he's going about it but hinbu to expect a 12 year old to do her own hair on a day to day basis

You definitely sound like you baby her too much and I suspect DH is frustrated by that

Tell her she needs to learn to do her own hair and she can get it cut short again to make it easier.

ElspethFlashman · 07/08/2017 16:51

It might be no harm for you to be on Early's though?

Let DH be the bad guy since you seem pretty avoidant of that. Maybe by the end of the week he'll have made some progress.

Original poster
user1484937392 · 07/08/2017 16:52

DD2 shouts on me every time she is in the bath (going if subject I know) so now I ignore her as it's usually I need a towel or which condition do I use or even should I wash my hair.... think DH is just frustrated with her all over tbh and the nit comb situation is as said above, the tip of the iceberg

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 07/08/2017 16:52

A 12 year old should be able to do her own hair (straightforward brushing and tying back - agree she may need help with nit combing).
Just refuse to do it - she either has to go out with messy hair, or she'll learn soon enough!

wowbutter · 07/08/2017 16:53

You appear to have two min issues. A husband who band you from doing this and a daughter who can't even do her own hair in year eight. Both of these things need addressing.
Let your daughter grow up and see to brushing and styling her own hair, her hair being checked for bits is something she can do, with you supervising and doing things lotion as and when.
I hate to say his but by twelve I was dying my own hair.... without any supervision or knowledge fo m parents. You aren doing her any favours carrying on babying her.

AnUtterIdiot · 07/08/2017 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NipInTheAir · 07/08/2017 16:54

Two things strike me here and dd was hopeless with this stuff. Firstly It's a mother daughter thing and I Can't imagine my DH ever sticking his beak into dd's hair or what might happen with other womanly things! Secondly dd found this stuff difficult. Combination of thick hair and milk dyspraxia. He sounds horrid.

TempusEejit · 07/08/2017 16:55

I was all ready to say your DH is being unreasonable until I read that your DD would go for days without even brushing her hair, let alone use the nit comb, unless you both nag her. I think your DH is right and you are guilty of babying her for an easier life in the short term. Longer term you are doing your DD no favours by picking up her slack for her all the time. Fishes old enough for losing her phone to be a big deal then she's old enough to learn to take responsibility for her own hygiene. Otherwise I dread to think what'll happen when she starts her periods...

RedSkyAtNight · 07/08/2017 16:56

Based on your bath update, it sounds as though DD is just lazy and would rather you did everything for her! In which case I totally agree with DH that she should be doing age appropriate things for herself!

We have a rule of thumb in our house that if the DC want to be given privileges they have to show they are old/mature enough to have them. If she wants to be babied then that means she doesn't get treated like an older child and allowed things like phones.

Genghi · 07/08/2017 16:56

I had butt length hair and was expected to deal with my own nits at 9, coincidentally the same age I had my first period. I'm with your DP on this. If your daughter can change her own santitary towels, which is often far messier, then she can deal with her own nits.

Kariana · 07/08/2017 16:57

I was going to say he was a bit unreasonable but reading the other info he probably isn't. She wants long hair but isn't willing to look after it? Tough. Either she looks after it or you make her get it cut. If she wants her phone back then she needs to accept one of those two options, either cut or well groomed. It's daft that a twelve year old can't brush her hair or get it in a simple ponytail, if she's throwing a fit about it that suggests she's being very immature so maybe take away adult privileges like being able to go out with her friends. Regarding the nit treatment though I do think you need to do that as it's hard to do on yourself, slather on conditioner and comb through every evening.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 07/08/2017 16:59

She's 12 and she can't put her own hair up in a ponytail? Somethings gone very wrong here. Does she have other massive co-ordination problems because otherwise it does seem to point to a very high level of babying.
If my 12 year old refused to brush or do her own hair and had tantrums about it, it would all just get cut off. Simple as.

Helping with nit treatment on the other hand does require a helping hand , but these are separate issues.

khajiit13 · 07/08/2017 16:59

Your DD sounds lazy and you are doing her no favours. It's personal hygiene, she sound be combing and brushing her own hair at 12!

DitheringDiva · 07/08/2017 17:03

It might be worth talking through why she wants it long. My DD has her hair very short, for reasons similar to your DD (minus the nits) - my DD has hair that seems to turn into dread locks 2 hours after brushing, and she's not the type of girl to be brushing her hair every 2 hours.

However, since she started secondary school, almost every day she gets called "transgender", "bisexual" "gay", "lesbian" etc, and it really pisses her off because she isn't any of those things, she just happens to prefer her hair short! Even if she was a lesbian or whatever, it's very definitely said in a way that's designed to hurt. Every so often she does think about growing her hair long, but then her hair grows, gets messy, and she decides to have it all cut off again.

ElspethFlashman · 07/08/2017 17:04

My SIL somehow is still rinsing her daughter's hair at 15 IN THE SHOWER because (whiny voice) "I just can't do it Mum, I don't get it all ouuuuuut"

So the daughter has her shower and then roars MUUUUM! and my SIL bustles in all business and rinses it.

I mean it's crazy. But that's the road you may be headed down.

MaisyPops · 07/08/2017 17:04

If she knows she has to do her hair she starts crying straight away. I try to keep the peace but it's frustrating me now.
A child in secondary school who is almost a teenager cries and throws a tantrum over brushing her own hair.

The fiddly nit check, yes you should do with her.
Day to day brushing hair, nit shampoo and generally keeping on top of basic hygiene, a pre teen should be able to do that.

I don't agree with DH's methods, but completely see where he's coming from. It's basic hygiene and there's a girl in this who's worked out that she can control the household dynamics over a damn pony tail. Wait till she's a teen and already knows how to play mum and dad off against each other.

mummmy2017 · 07/08/2017 17:05

Back your DH up and make your life easier, she will soon get put right by friends.
Nitty Gritty comb works well to remove all the eggs left on the hair.
She has 4 weeks to sort it out before school, so let her fail, while it doesn't matter too much.

Original poster
user1484937392 · 07/08/2017 17:06

I do do the lotion. I don't expect her to do that. I do DD1 lotion if needed to as does DH for me. It's just her doing the comb and just brushing it. Maybe this thread isn't is HE being U. More like me being U not getting her to do these things. She Is very immature just in general I think. But then wants to be treated as a grown up in the same breath. I hear the word 'Mum' out of her mouth than I do my 3yo on a daily basis. I just want DD2 to take pride in how she looks and the only way to do that is if I do it. Which I know isn't helping her. But I'm so sick of the arguing that I do just give in. Shes doing everything she can to not get in the bath now and says she can't find the comb. I'm ready for round 2 already

OP posts:
lololove · 07/08/2017 17:06

If she really does struggle with her hair and her hygiene - is there anything else you think she struggles with?

I'm not trying to diagnose or say everyone has something - just that it might be something to look into if she is having problems elsewhere

Original poster
user1484937392 · 07/08/2017 17:10

You know it's that bad that I turned down a promotion because I would had to of gone to another county for 3 weeks. I didn't want to leave DD2 with DH because I do admittedly hate when she cries and he punishes her harsh. She does cause more problems in the house.

Omg! I sound pathetic! Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484937392 · 07/08/2017 17:13

She has been tested for Autism but they said because she can get the bus to school and back, get A's in her school work etc etc she's ok. She's just immature at times.

OP posts:
RubaDubMum89 · 07/08/2017 17:14

OP, does DD have developmental delays or something similar? If so then your DP is BVUR. However, if she doesn't... He is not. Not at all.

It's a different situation, but, when I was 12 I did everything for myself, washing ironing, cooking cleaning etc etc like a PP I died my hair at 12, washed, conditioned, blow dried and straightened it.

I would really be quite worried if my DD could not do basic hygiene things at this age.

I think it's time to get tough with her. Don't do it for her anymore. Just don't. In the long run, you're doing her a favour.

Booboobooboo84 · 07/08/2017 17:14

You don't sound pathetic you just sound like anything for a quiet life.

Start your earlies next week and leave DH to deal with the fallout of his decision

harshbuttrue1980 · 07/08/2017 17:17

I'm dyspraxic, and struggled to do things with my hair that people my own age at school could do. Even now, I struggle to do fancy styles, using curling wands etc, although I can do the basics. However, if she has no special needs and is just being lazy and bratty then just let her go to school looking messy. The other kids will tease her and she sill soon start doing it for herself. I agree that you are right to help with the nit combing, but a neurotypical 12 year old should be combing her own hair in the morning. What happens when she goes to sleepovers or on overnight school trips??

SpartacusSaiman · 07/08/2017 17:19

But wants to grow it out as all the girls have long hair etc

Then she needs to look after it.

You said she is perfectly mature when its something she wants to do. That suggests lazyness not autisim.

Swipe left for the next trending thread