Should i be cross with dh?!?

[arethereanyleftatall]

I'm genuinely not sure whether I should be cross with dh or not. Would you be?

Bad:
He is going on 4 solo holidays this summer, 3 for 4/5 days, 1 for 10 days. No discussion with me at all, they just appeared in diary.

But:

1. We can afford it, thanks to his job and how hard he works when he's there.
2. He would have no problems whatsoever if I did the same thing. He would just hire a nanny/cleaner/ whatever necessary and wave me off with a cheery 'enjoy yourself.'
3. He spends a lot of time with us (me and 2 dds) as he has no commute, and we go on plenty of family holidays a year which aren't impacted.
4. He is a firm believer in enjoying life in the here and now, but is fairly sensible about the future. He would love for me to be likewise.
5. None of these 4 holidays were instigated by him: stag do's, friends visiting from his home country etc

I think we should at least discuss these things. He earns 95% of our income, I'm basically a sahm to our school age children (at my choice) so I'm not hard done by. We've never had a joint account, it hasn't been necessary, (he just pays for everything and deposits an amount decided by me in to my account). The bulk of our money is in his accounts. I think I should have more say in whether we spend or save.

What do you think?

I would be very slightly annoyed he didn't tell me first - it's just polite. But a nice calm quick conversation can fix that.

I have the same financial setup with my dh except I know how much we save and I've never felt we had to save more so didn't need to discuss it.

I would be a bit miffed he hadn't mentioned it but nothing more than that.

I think the reality is, it is very difficult for women who choose to be SAHMs to get equity over decision making about someone else's money.

He earns all the cash, and that gives him more of the power. You have let him hide it all in separate bank accounts, and it sounds like it is a bit late now to start to change the balance of power over the cash he earns.

You could try raising it with him to see if you can get him to consult you more, but you it sounds like you are not in a very strong position.

1. If you are not being communicated with then that is a problem in any relationship. Although I'd be interested in what you mean by discussion. I would put party invites (birthdays, weddings celebrations, family visits etc) in the diary as I would not in any way seek approval.

1. Up your monthly amount so when he is away you can also hire in some staff to assist.

1. If he is already saving enough what more do you want to save for?

To be honest he gives you freedom based on his income and you want to have more control of that? Perhaps if you worked, you would feel more in control than you do at the moment. Its not really discussion I think, more the control/clearer partnership that you want.

I think he is entitled to spend money he earns how he likes without having to consult you if it is easily affordable.
He should be allowed his own space and time for these trips if hes working hard to provide, especially if he would have no issue you doing the same.

It's reciprocal. You could do the same. Not sure why it's a problem if it's easily afforded:

You don't grow in each other's shadow OP.

I'd prefer him to mention them rather than just appearing in the diary but given the other reasons I'd say I wouldn't be annoyed.

Ok, hinbu. No problem.
He doesn't hide his money as such, we just don't discuss it.
I do work part time btw, but the difference in our salaries means that my financial input is neglible.
When he's home, I'll just remind him to tell me about this stuff before booking.
I'm pleased he is not being unreasonable.

I think the reality is, it is very difficult for women who choose to be SAHMs to get equity over decision making about someone else's money

No it isn't. If you have a fair and equal relationship it isn't someone elses money. "family money" isn't just a polite term, its the reality for many. My husband earns the money, but I am in charge of it after that. Thats not uncommon.

I'm pleased he is not being unreasonable

Of course he is! Are you mad? He just books holidays without a word to his wife, without any thought for his children? On what planet is that not unreasonable?

YANBU to be miffed that he hasn't discussed it, time away from home/the DCs should be discussed regardless of whether cost is an issue IMO.

Also, you could bring up the fact that you would like more of a say in the finances. A marriage is a partnership and presumably you being a SAHM was a decision made jointly - yes he earns the money but in a marriage I personally think a 'your money my money' situation is a bit odd.

I think the only real issue here is lack of transparency over your joint income. And is he happy for you to hire cleaner or nanny in his absence? Would his salary pay for you to do the same? This must be taking a lot out of his annual leave, not much left for you or family?

Based solely on your OP it feels to me like he sees you more as the hired help than an equal partner in a marriage.

But then there is always context and tone and all the other things you can't convey in a post like this. How do you feel he treats you with regard to other areas where there'd normally be more equitable discussion?

River - yes, he'd be perfectly happy for me to hire a cleaner or nanny, and yes his salary would cover me doing the same. He is self employed so can take as much holiday as he likes - he took 12 weeks last year.

Op hire a cleaner, get an au pair and have your friends round. Now we have that sorted, what does he do for a living?! this sounds like the lifestyle i want.

Shots fired - 'hired help' is spot on, and this is exactly the issue. It is what I feel like. Im not sure whether it's actually true (of course he insists it's not), or whether that's just in my head.

and i wouldn't mind my husband going anywhere else for 12 months a year

Lol countduck, that's what he's prefer me to do rather than get cross with stuff like this.
He's a surgeon. A good one.

I'm sure all surgeons are good btw, i just meant, quite high up and respected.

I don't care how much money a husband/wife earns, if thats the sahp or the parent who works.
Its just respectful and in a relationship esp with children common decency to at least inform the other person if they are going away.
I dont get why people think that hey your a sahp and you dont earn so you get no say!

Cross? Er yes I would be cross. I do think one half of a partnership gets to unilaterally decide how family money is spent. I'd be really pissed off if dp simply told me he would be away for 25 days with no discussion at all.

I think he is being unreasonable not because of what he is doing but because of the way it means your relationship is uneven and not a partnership

I don't care how high up or good or respected he is in his job - he's got no respect for you if he doesn't at least check dates with you before booking them in!
If you're so laid back about him fucking off on his own, fair play, why on earth would he NOT let you know? it's not like you're going to kick off and say "no that doesn't suit me", is it - so it would be courteous in him to say "by the way, TOnko at work is getting married, stag do is in a month for a few days, you don't mind do you darling?" rather than just stick the dates in the diary and rely on YOU spotting them.

Completely and utterly unreasonable. I don't care how much he earns and how little you earn, you are equal partners in this marriage. And by looking after his kids you are supporting his career thereby should share in the spoils. No way should he book stuff without telling you and it does sound alot as well.

Doesn't sound like much of a partnership if he decides how family money is spent without any discussion. Him going on the holidays is irrelevant but very unreasonable not to discuss. What would happen if you decided to make a big purchase from the family money i.e. a new car? What trips do you have planned?