Should i be cross with dh?!?

[arethereanyleftatall]

I'm genuinely not sure whether I should be cross with dh or not. Would you be?

Bad:
He is going on 4 solo holidays this summer, 3 for 4/5 days, 1 for 10 days. No discussion with me at all, they just appeared in diary.

But:

1. We can afford it, thanks to his job and how hard he works when he's there.
2. He would have no problems whatsoever if I did the same thing. He would just hire a nanny/cleaner/ whatever necessary and wave me off with a cheery 'enjoy yourself.'
3. He spends a lot of time with us (me and 2 dds) as he has no commute, and we go on plenty of family holidays a year which aren't impacted.
4. He is a firm believer in enjoying life in the here and now, but is fairly sensible about the future. He would love for me to be likewise.
5. None of these 4 holidays were instigated by him: stag do's, friends visiting from his home country etc

I think we should at least discuss these things. He earns 95% of our income, I'm basically a sahm to our school age children (at my choice) so I'm not hard done by. We've never had a joint account, it hasn't been necessary, (he just pays for everything and deposits an amount decided by me in to my account). The bulk of our money is in his accounts. I think I should have more say in whether we spend or save.

What do you think?

I'd test the claim that he'd be happy if you went on a 10 day holiday.

Go. Don't book nanny or whatever. Let him do it.

Then re-evaluate.

HIBU!

This is not about money or relative earning power in terms of who warns what. What about the value of your contribution to raising the family, and the saved nanny/ nursery fees? And even if you had full time childcare which enable you to work p/t and spend the rest of the time having lunch child-free, that isn't the point. It is about his expectation of your role re family life vs his role. He thinks he can buy his way out of any accountability.

Yes I'm sure that it must be very Naice to be able to work p/t and have a decent partner (which I have no doubt he otherwise is) who takes you on lots of lovely family holidays, but he is making it clear that his view is that he is lord and master and frankly he is treating your home like a hotel, you like a chambermaid/ chief cook, bottlewasher and maitre d'h, and your children seem to be conveniently forgotten about in all of this.

I am acutely aware of inequalities like this because I am the main earner in our family and work longer hours than my partner who- now that I am no longer breastfeeding to sleep- does bedtimes, and overnights when I go away with work, and pretty much does everything when I have a busy work spell. I think it is easy to slide into the mentality of just expecting this when you get away with it, and I do have to pull myself up to ensure that my behaviour makes it clear that I am appreciative and don't EXPECT this. In order to do so, I communicate things as far in advance as possible, and always as a 'Is this going to work for you?', rather than a 'I am going to be home at midnight, see ya' kind of way.

It sounds like he is a decent hands on parent in lots of ways, but he is being incredibly flippant regarding his ability to just swan off whenever he wants. I think you guys need to have a chat.

He doesn't have to ask for your permission, but he should at least tell you that he's going & when. Communication is essential in relationships.

I think time is a currency, just as money is. Your husband may be sharing his wage with you in return for your labour at home, but he's not sharing his time. I think you're basically being treated like a very fancy servant.

To be honest I have just done the same.

DH earns a lot more than me but I am on a very good wage for our area.
My kids are older but still at home and DH is very involved with some of the stuff they do while I take a back seat.
In the last couple of weeks I have booked.
A week to Madeira in December ( just for me)
A long weekend in Berlin (DH and me) in October but I haven't told him yet
A week in the Cairngorms with friends from a climbing club in January and a weekend in Hungry in March - by myself but a friend said she may come.

I've not mentioned them to DH yet, mainly because I forgot!

I get more holidays than DH so just book time of when I see something I fancy. DH hasn't got a problem with it and doesn't seem miffed.

If he just books without mentioning the dates to you he must surely miss events or disrupt your family / personal plans all the time? Be extremely clear that you are not his secretary or servant and he needs to communicate with you about decisions that impact you all such as these holidays.

He's away for almost a whole month through the summer..don't tell me this doesn't cause you any inconvenience or leave you lonely? Successful surgeons were rarely at home as it is so his time off should be spent with his family whenever possible, not with his mates.

You seem to want to heat that he's being reasonable but I wouldn't be happy with this. Not at all. Are your DC?

As Lweji says, see how happy is when you tell him you are off for 10 days this Wednesday. At least you are giving him the courtesy of telling him in person rather than just put it in the diary.

I work freelance from home, but to all intents and purposes I 'look after the DCs'. I do this to facilitate my husband's work.

I do NOT do this to facilitate my DH's holidays and would be incandescent if he put four trips away in the diary without discussing it with me. That's not what our partnership is about. My 'work' means he can do his work = partnership. My work means he can fuck off whenever he likes = servitude.

On the money side, I suppose it doesn't matter where it is as long as you both have equal accountability and access. And a shared view of what's important/what your future is going to look like.

I would be annoyed that he hadn't ask me if I was happy with it. After all, if you do act this way too, how can he sure that your plans will not clash?
It's the respect adm taking others into consideration that would bug me.

Re money, sorry but he can earn that money THANKS TO the fact you are at home doing all the rest of the work. It's not his money. It's money that you are both entitled to.
If it was a case of 'his money, he can do whatever he wants with it', then surely he should also be OK with not giving you anything, withholding money just because it's his (and we all this would be financial abuse and not OK).
But more to the point, the issue is again the not talking and the not asking you for your pov when it comes to finances in the marriage (which you would BOTH be liable of).

I would look much more broadly and see how much input is 'expected' from you regarding some areas - finances, hols, any big decision- compare to others -childcare, house, for shopping-.
I suspect that the big decisions or the ones that affect him directly are taken by him with little input from you. But anything to do with the dcs or the house is le to your u. In effect a very 1950 organisation that you might or might not be happy with.

And btw it's about 'asking permission'.
Checking with your partner if this is OK for you to go to xxx isn't asking for permission. It's working together to be sure that your plans do not clash with the ones of your partner. It's about showing respect. It's about working as a team.

DH tends to do that a lot. I feel it as being controlling because I never have the possibility to say No or to raise my pov. It's crap tbh.

Even better if you had forgotten to tell him about your 10 day holiday that starts the day before he goes on his.

Sorry it would have read
It's NOT about asking permission

LOL, so he gets to fuck off on his own whenever he likes leaving you with the kids?

Does he never look after the kids? Even if he does, it's clearly an optional extra for him. A nice to have. He gets to pick and choose when he does the parenting and no doubt this makes him a 'great Dad'

I earn most of the money in my house and if I did this I'd find myself divorced pretty damn quick.

Blimey I can see I'm in a minority here!

I think the fact that you say he wishes you would do the same undermines the boring arguments about unequal treatment.

If he wanted these holidays but excluded you then this would be a very different reply.

FWIW, DH is a surgeon. I earn 6 figures but his salary eclipses mine.

I wouldn't be annoyed by this.

But I'd expect to be consulted on the dates.

I think this is more of a bad habit than a really bad thing and you should only be more mildly irritated than cross.

My DH doesn't ask but does at least tell me. "S and I are going over to the west coast in August". Had to repeatedly ask him to write it on the calendar so I don't book to do something at the same time.

When I ask to do something which will mean him doing lone-childcare he always makes a silly fuss of the fact I've asked like saying (sarcastically in a silly voice) "no of course you can't do your own thing without my permission". He doesn't understand why I ask rather than tell. I don't want to book something only to find out it clashes with something he has planned.

If you feel you're doing too much lone childcare book something for yourself. My problem is when I want to go away I want to take DS with me!

whathave it is not a problem if it works for you and both partners are happy with the arrangement. OP however would like to be consulted by her husband rather than just spotting it in the diary.

So your DH is basically going to be away for 25 days over the summer but it's ok because the magic SAHM fairy is there for childcare etc. I wouldn't be impressed and somehow doubt your DH would actually be ok if you booked similar trips so close together without consulting you.

I'd expect that amount of solo trips over a whole year tbh with plenty of advance notice not just putting them on the calendar. Just because he earns the money doesn't mean he gets to do whatever he wants without considering the rest his family.

As long as you can do the same, I really don't see the problem

I don't see the problem. My DH lives away from his friends and family and sees maintaining his social connections as important. He would view these sorts of trips as part of that so not really up for negotiation unless there was a clash with a home commitment.

I have more of an issue with it if his friends and family descend on me and I have to play host.

Actually, this thread has been niggling at me and I know why: I cannot like or respect men who can't/won't look after their own kids on their own. It's not so much that OP is encouraged to go away too, it's that he'll hire someone else to cover the grunt work. I don't find that particularly attractive.

your DH is basically going to be away for 25 days over the summer and we are at August 7th.

I can't (and don't) believe those saying it's all fine, they'd be cool with holidays just appearing in the collective diary and their husband just disappearing off. Who does that? My husband and I are very independent, take separate holidays or work trips occasionally and cover each other to do so, but would always chat through the dates and work out if it was fine to do so before booking. Of course no-one just books half the summer away from their spouse with no discussion. This is an odd thread and some replies are not remotely believable.

I'm just amazed by how many holidays you have - together and individually. My father was self employed and we were lucky to have a week's holiday once a year, and always within a 3 hour drive of home in case he needed to get back if need be.

Ah, anyway, yeah, just say it would be handy if he let you know his plans in case you ended up both away at the same time.