Advise pls. Kids dad

[luckylucie78]

I'm posting for traffic. Although I've posted this in relationships and parenting also.

Basically I've stopped my two children (6 and 9) from seeing their dad. This was the final straw after 4 years of conflict since our split.

We were together for years and he was emotionally abusive to me as well as our kids. I fled our rented property 4 years ago but never reported the incident (thought he was going to killl me - never actually hit me but threatened me in front of our children) as was scared.

He was and is a shit dad. He never allowed the kids to be immunised, fed them crap and went ballistic if I ever tried to get the family to eat healthily. Wouldn't take the kids out for fresh air/exercise etc. My eldest is obese!

Since I left, I've lost weight and am fit and healthy, set up a new home, working full time and am in a solid relationship with a wonderful man who has full custody of his child and is a fantastic dad and great role model to my kids. We both agreed neither of us were trying to take the role of mum and dad to each other's kids but we would be a strong family unit and good role models. My kids adore him. We have not moved in together and have no immediate plans to just yet.

My ex on the other hand has made no attempts to improve his life or the quality of our kids life.

They were seeing their dad 50/50 basis. Meaning any healthy lifestyle I was trying to incorporate was undone when they went to his.

Along with my children having access to devices 24/7 with no parental control, being encouraged to swear!, and spending anytime at his inside with absolutely no stimulation or fresh air whatsoever - I'm completely at my wits end.

The problem is, that the kids love their dad (naturally) and feel sorry for him. But, they have told me that they do not want to go back there and are happier and feel safer with me. He shouts at them a lot and emotionally manipulates them. The kids (like I once did) are walking on egg shells at his.

It's been a month since they've not seen their dad, and they've never been happier. My eldest has already lost lots of weight, and they are generally thriving.

The problem is that he is now demanding that he see them. I've told him that if he wants to see them, I'd like him to attend mediation and agree to a parenting plan as well as agree to vaccinations. He refuses.

What do I do now? I've contacted social services (not the first time!) and they referee me to families first. I've noted it with the gp and school. But what are my next steps? Take it to court? Can they impose a parenting plan? (I'm fully aware he will be granted access).

I'm so stressed out it's unreal.

Please advise!
Thank you

I've told him that if he wants to see them, I'd like him to attend mediation and agree to a parenting plan as well as agree to vaccinations. He refuses.

Would a judge make the same conditions? You cant just impose your will on a 50/50 residency.

What do you mean?

The courts should decide.
You obviously have a strong opinion, but all parents are biased. You could be lying just to get back at him....

I'm not sure what part of my response you don't understand.

You stated you had 50/50 residency. They were seeing their dad 50/50 basis.

You now have decided to with hold contact because you don't like the way he parents. Basically I've stopped my two children (6 and 9) from seeing their dad.

Do you think a judge would agree with you?

I really don't approve of one parent using children as pawns.

Is he likely to take you to court? It sounds like he can't be arsed to take them out the front door or cook a meal - is he likely to pay to go to court? Does he willingly pay maintenance, the minimum amount based on cms figures on his current income? If not is he likely to want to pay the full amount?

Have you kept a diary? Detailing how the children react to him shouting etc? Does he pick them up on time on the agreed days etc or does he just want them when he wants them?

Your 9 year old is getting to an age where his/her views will start being taken into consideration.

I think there are a lot of separated parents that do not necessarily approve of the way their EXP parents. I don't think that warrants cutting them out of their children's lives.
By your own admission your kids love their father warts and all. Surely it's wrong to deny them their father?

To be fair he sounds like he can't be arsed. If he had them 50/50 - I'm assuming one week on, one week off. The minute you didn't return them to me on the Monday morning I'd have called a solicitor. I certainly wouldn't have waited a month and then asked to see them!

Mediation is a requirement before an application is made (unless there's evidence of domestic abuse or any emergency) so yes a court is likely to support you in that. Vaccinations are important & a court is very likely to order that these take place to protect your DC.

As to them seeing their dad - 50/50 isn't necessarily the best arrangement for all. Children can get confused, not know which house to actually call home. It can be unsettling living between two households.

A court will look at their welfare including any risks from either parent. Emotional & physical harm - the behaviour you describe from him could certainly be described as abusive. The children's views could be taken into account by the court if Cafcass end up doing a welfare report, especially the 9 year old. Just one factor considered though, the children don't make the decision.

Can you say, hand on heart, that you are doing this only because of the children's welfare & not for any other reason?

Wow. Shocked at some responses.

Please tell me, if your child was living in an environment 50 percent of the time and was obese but the parent was not taking steps to do something about it, was being encouraged to swear, told you that they were scared of their dad, spent a whole weekend indoors even in a hot summers day, would you be ok with it?

I did mention he was abusive?!

Surely if I allow it to go on, them I'm not fulfilling my duty as a parent to PROTECT them?!

The courts may take a different view and witholding contact may go against you. Seek legal advice.

100 percent only for the children. I left him, I've no reason to be bitter.

Thanks loopy

I'm others will differ - but having worked as a safeguard lead, noting you've written is raising any flags. You, with holding contact on the other hand ..... well might just go against you.

Stilldrivingmebonkers - did you read the whole of my OP

Whether what you've done is morally the right decision or not according to Mumsnet is neither here nor there. What you have to worry about is whether a judge would agree with you.

Not feeding them the same way you would or not taking them outside on a sunny day isn't abuse and a judge would need to see more than just a disagreement in parenting styles to grant full custody to one parent.

You say he's emotionally abusive - is that to the kids? You need to document every incident.

You can't just arbitrarily decide he's a shit parent and withhold contact. Well you can, but it makes you a shit parent too. They deserve a relationship with both their parents. You're clearly very happy with the action you've taken so really whats the question? You'll do what you want anyway.

Mad world we live in when a parent trying to protect their children's health and emotional wellbeing will get in trouble for withholding contact with the neglectful parent yet on an equal note, if anything happen to my children, would get in trouble for not protecting them?!

Totally understand your frustration but in legal terms much of what you have described would just be down to different lifestyle choices/parenting styles so be very careful. As others have said, withholding contact could look bad for you if it does go to court and you need to be wary of the possibility (even if remote) that he could go for full custody.

Giving them shit food and no physical exercise when your 9 year old child is 10 stone IS abuse.

Yes he is emotionally abusive to my children. Poking her stomach and laughing at her calling her fat, threatening to punch my sons face in because he lost his pe kit?

You haven't given any examples of 'abuse'. Sometimes I don't think understand what the term 'abuse' actually means.

I could walk into any school and pull out 2/3rds of pupils that this applies to Along with my children having access to devices 24/7 with no parental control, being encouraged to swear!, and spending anytime at his inside with absolutely no stimulation or fresh air whatsoever . Gaming, fbombing, and never leaving their bedroom.

It's not your call to withhold contact, deny children a relationship with their father, who you have said they love, you're fast becoming the abuser in their lives.

You have already decided that what you want from this forum is affirmation your decision is the only decision and to surrounded by people going 'there, there hun'

@luckylucie78 I'm shocked at some of the responses too.

The kids have asked not to see him and he's clearly abusive/neglectful.

I'd refuse contact too and let the courts decide. I'd get legal advice so I know where I stand but I'd never force my children to see a parent they asked not to see and were scared of.

I think you're doing the right thing.

This is a long road but one worth going down by the sounds of it. It took me 9 years but my kids and I have just won our case. But they were only 2&3 when we divorced. But the judge first interviewed them at 8&9 at the DCs request.

I have 50/50 with my step kids and by doing a lot of sport with them my obese DSD (11) is now pretty trim. So it's possible to have an impact on weight even with 50/50. We do sport every day of the holidays. Swimming riding walking sailing gymnastics all great for core strength. And do sport 3 days a week (EOW) in term time.

If I were you I'd aim for every other weekend. It's more realistic.

The only way you can legally do what you've done is if you've applied for an emergency court hearing st the same time as denying access.

However only you can judge if he'll take you to court or not for access. But you must prepare for that.

Your kids need to see a psychiatrist or psychologist. You'll need psych evaluations for court.

If you don't request maintenance you'll be looked at more favorably. You need evidence for everything.

Find witnesses who will give a statement. I'm in France but here witnesses write a statement on a legal form and sign a oath. I imagine there is something similar in the UK.

You'll need your GP on board. Talk to the police too to find out if you can make a retrospective complaint. Do everything you can to get evidence.

You also need a lawyer. And a good one too. Who understands abuse.

To be honest, I'd be very surprised if you got any support on here or in real life on this one. I do understand how frustrating it is - I've had a very similar situation with my ex over the past decade, but in obstructing his relationship with the kids you're not doing yourself any favours. Regardless of what he feeds them, where he does or doesn't take them, unless hey are suffering severe abuse, no court will stop him from contact. My own ex smokes weed daily, has mental health issues (one where he pulled over furniture), and he's spent the last decade poisoning the children against me to the extent where we didn't see DS for a year (long story). The courts sided with what DS said he wanted and wouldn't even consider the evidence we presented for alienation. Tread carefully - and think about what will be best for the kids in the long run - not in terms of what they eat/where they go, but on how damaging it will be to them in the long term to have never got the chance to know their dad. So he's an arse? Let them find that out for themselves as they grow up. The best thing you can do for them is to be an adult about it all - keep communications professional, by all means go to mediation if he doesn't stick to arrangements, but make the arrangements and stick to it. I find email and text the best way to ensure clarity and to keep records, but he won't even reply to my emails informing him about medical appointment results now, so I just send them (after checking for inflammatory language) and l leave it at that. You can only be responsible for your behaviour and if you're as childish as them the kids will just resent you.

Contact a mediation service to arrange an appointment. They'll get in touch with him to see if he'll attend. If he won't they'll give you a form that you can use if you make an application to court.

Legally one parent shouldn't stop the children seeing the other parent but their welfare is the priority. If the other parent is causing harm then you have to protect them. You need to make an application to court & ask the court to decide on how much time they should spend with their dad.

In the meantime, how about them seeing him for less time, a few hours to see if that works rather than 50/50?

To be clear. I have told their dad that I am not trying to stop him having a relationship with his kids. However, is like for him to attend mediation so we can draw up a parenting plan. He has refused.

I have documented everything from day dit. The gp and schools are aware, I have contacted SS several times over the past few years and have had support from FF. I have a record from the police where my son was threatened. fF have interviewed both kids and have documentation of the kids thoughts and feelings.

The kids DO NOT want to go back to their dads but yes of course they love him. They want his approval at any cost and it is so bloody sad