Advise pls. Kids dad

[luckylucie78]

I'm posting for traffic. Although I've posted this in relationships and parenting also.

Basically I've stopped my two children (6 and 9) from seeing their dad. This was the final straw after 4 years of conflict since our split.

We were together for years and he was emotionally abusive to me as well as our kids. I fled our rented property 4 years ago but never reported the incident (thought he was going to killl me - never actually hit me but threatened me in front of our children) as was scared.

He was and is a shit dad. He never allowed the kids to be immunised, fed them crap and went ballistic if I ever tried to get the family to eat healthily. Wouldn't take the kids out for fresh air/exercise etc. My eldest is obese!

Since I left, I've lost weight and am fit and healthy, set up a new home, working full time and am in a solid relationship with a wonderful man who has full custody of his child and is a fantastic dad and great role model to my kids. We both agreed neither of us were trying to take the role of mum and dad to each other's kids but we would be a strong family unit and good role models. My kids adore him. We have not moved in together and have no immediate plans to just yet.

My ex on the other hand has made no attempts to improve his life or the quality of our kids life.

They were seeing their dad 50/50 basis. Meaning any healthy lifestyle I was trying to incorporate was undone when they went to his.

Along with my children having access to devices 24/7 with no parental control, being encouraged to swear!, and spending anytime at his inside with absolutely no stimulation or fresh air whatsoever - I'm completely at my wits end.

The problem is, that the kids love their dad (naturally) and feel sorry for him. But, they have told me that they do not want to go back there and are happier and feel safer with me. He shouts at them a lot and emotionally manipulates them. The kids (like I once did) are walking on egg shells at his.

It's been a month since they've not seen their dad, and they've never been happier. My eldest has already lost lots of weight, and they are generally thriving.

The problem is that he is now demanding that he see them. I've told him that if he wants to see them, I'd like him to attend mediation and agree to a parenting plan as well as agree to vaccinations. He refuses.

What do I do now? I've contacted social services (not the first time!) and they referee me to families first. I've noted it with the gp and school. But what are my next steps? Take it to court? Can they impose a parenting plan? (I'm fully aware he will be granted access).

I'm so stressed out it's unreal.

Please advise!
Thank you

Thanks lello. I've offered mediation so many times. He refuses. He also has refused to engage with outside family support such as families first. So there's no hope there unfortunately.

Am I reading another thread to some people?! Are some of you being contrary because you can? This man is abusing his children.

I'm really sorry, Lucie that I don't have any specific advice but I read and was stunned by the replies. I admit that you didn't say much in your initial post but it's clear, as you've relayed more information, that this is so much more than a disagreement over a vaccine. I hope you are able to move forward from this and get some help for both your children.

With children of that age, their wishes and feelings SHOULD be listened to and represented.

No one has said they aren't. What has been said, through people's experiences, including mine, is that it isn't the only consideration as it would be with older children.

Britbug so sad though isn't it. I don't think kids every really forget. My daughter has panic attacks that she'll be abandoned after her dad left her stranded on holiday a couple of years ago. Apparently was teaching her a lesson. She needs constant reassurance all the time.

I guess I'm going to have to wait and see where I stand legally and hope I haven't shot myself in the foot!

Thank you so much sunny. It's one of those things where I wanted to put in enough info without creating a 10 page essay. I thought the info I provided would be enough to highlight the reasons for wanting the kids with me.

OP you have stated that your children do not want to see their dad - so do not send them there.

If he wants to see them make him go through the courts.

Maelstrop.. we've tried that regarding food, I even pack a cool bag of healthy food for her. It came back untouched as apparently I don't get to dictate what they eat with him

It came back untouched as apparently I don't get to dictate what they eat with him

As hard as it maybe. You don't.

If it went to court he would get some contact (my children have access to devices as much as they like and I don't regard that as abusive - people just have different ideas on being a parent). However he may not bother so you could just refuse and see what he does. He might not bother to take you to court.

He doesn't sound very good but that' s not becauseo f the food or the access to computers or not having the child play out side enough. it's because you say he is nasty and emotionally abusive.

What I needed to do was seperatly the relationships. My relationship and the abuse to me was nothing to do with my son. What I had to focus on was the relationship between father and son and what he done wrong there.

Write every single thing down. Use bullet points with dates and times if possible.

If my child got to the point where he was crying to not go, he wouldn't go and I'd be back into Court. They will do a wishes and feelings report and consider this.

If mediation has failed then it will probably be set contact times, though a contribution may be asked for contact centres, and he will have to stick to requirements in that. It's a lot of towing the line but ultimately, he will either walk away or become a better parent.

My 9 year old child is obese. 10 stone!! Refusing to buy or at the very least refuse healthy food IS abusive. Because she is at risk of heart attack, type two diabetes etc!

I could let the odd but if junk food slip and under normal circumstances piglet, you are right, I don't get to dictate. However the fact that I'm generally scared to death that my daughter will keal over one day I think that gives me every right to try and do something about it!

Lucy he doesn't let the children out at all! Fri-sun. Blinds down in bedroom and iPads all day long. The fact he had no parental restrictions does worry me. It would be a concern for most given the fact they are free to view adult material!

Just to ask, does he have a weight issue himself?

No he is very slim but eats bad!!

Family lawyer here.

You have been given a roasting on this thread

If your children say they don't want to go to contact; you ought to encourage them.

I say ought to, but realistically not many parents do.

If you stop contact, it's not brilliant, but nothing is going to happen to you!

If he wants contact, agree but on certain (reasonable) terms.

If he doesn't like that, he can push for court order/mediation.

Not everything is on your shoulders.

You really have no need to do 50/50 at all. But you do need to make sure that you are not preventing him from contact with his children. If you offer every other weekend, Sat to Sun, and every other Wednesday night for example then that is fair enough. The judge won't look unkindly on you. And that amount of contact may be enough for the kids too. If your ex throws a strop and says it is 50/50 or nothing then that's his problem not yours.

You need to make sure that the kids don't internalise things - they get 50% of their DNA from this guy. Explain to them how there are good parts to him (which is why you loved him and wanted to have his children) but that sometimes environment and other issues mean good people make bad choices and that is what he has done. Made bad choices.

It's good that you are are keeping a log. Make sure it is clearly written at the time And contains only facts. Don't be tempted to include how you think that made the kids feel etc.

Also keep anything that backs the facts up. Like copies of emails sent at the same time to the GP or whoever.

Good luck. You are doing the right thing. The kids should ha e contact with their dad but they do not need to spend half their time with him.

Bloody good on you OP. You've listened to what your children have said.

I don't know much about the vaccination issue so I had a google and other than him having a court order preventing it there is little he can do to stop vaccination. Especially if your children consent to have it done.

I would just respond to all further requests to reinstate the contact with an email offering mediation and a parent plan. Don't fight him just say this is what's needed.

Maybe have the children write a letter weekly if they don't talk on the phone.

Would they be happy going out for a day with him? I.e. If they suggest meeting him in the park for four hours for a catch up. Gets him and them outside and he has no meal responsibilitys.

When you say you could get into trouble if you get them vaccinated without his consent - I don't think that's right. You have equal PR. You can get them vaccinated. A court is highly unlikely to criticise you for that. The general view of courts is that they are at risk when they are unvaccinated.

Depending on your income you might be able to get legal aid if you have evidence of domestic abuse - your GP might be able to provide a letter. There's a set template letter that the legal aid agency can provide. Hopefully the half-hour's advice can give you more details. It's harder to get legal aid nowadays but not impossible. You can also make an application to court yourself without a solicitor, if you can't get legal aid. The fee's usually £215 but can reduce if you are on low income/some benefits. A judge will take the abusive behaviour seriously.

Thanks alicat. Unfortunately decisions about medical, health and education have to be agreed between anyone with PR. I'd have to apply to courts and you are right, they are very likely to agree with it. However, I could be taken to court for going against fathers wishes. Mad!

Also, I'm definitely not entitled to legal aid and am working full time on well paid job. Not great.

However, my solicitor appointment is Friday. Fingers crossed

Good luck.

Also a family lawyer here and I am surprised at the pasting you have been given.

The incident you mention with the knife is clearly very very serious and I fail to see how other posters do not view this as abusive when the children witnessed it. However, the problem is that you then allowed contact on a 50/50 basis, despite the concerns about abusive behaviour and neglect. If you had refused direct contact after the knife incident, I would have expected the court to be cautious about ordering unsupervised contact without some reassurance that he was taking steps to address his behaviour. However, now that he has had 4 years of unsupervised contact, so it will be very difficult to rely on historic incidents.

The 9 yo's wishes and feelings will carry weight, depending on his maturity. However, at 6 and 9, wishes and feelings are not going to be overriding.

And to those saying she is breaching the law by stopping contact, no she isn't because there is no child arrangements order in place. If he wants to challenge what she is doing, he can take her to court. She's not going to be seen as abusive if she explains that the children told her they didn't want to see him anymore. However, the court probably would order some form of contact.

Hope your appointment goes well tomorrow.