AIBU about being called a "fucking awful driver" by DH

[FlowerSour]

Rather shaken after today, so partly posting here for traffic. Will try and make it short.

DH and I have a good relationship. He can't drive at the moment due to crutches and we had to drive a four hour round journey today, on the dual carriageway, some motorway and LOTS of horrible, curvy country roads.

I only passed my test eight months ago and since then I have never gone on a motorway, only on one short dual carriageway and have stuck to local driving.

So today was my first proper journey that was long, and only the second journey that I had to use a sat nav. I'd also never driven on such busy, country roads before. I was very nervous and now feel shit.

DH has said I'm a "fucking awful driver."

On the journey, DH insisted my seat was too far forward, so I moved it back despite me thinking it was fine. He was insistent I was too close. This meant that I couldn't reach the clutch as well as before and five minutes later I almost lost control on a country road at 45mph as I couldn't reach the clutch, which meant I couldn't lower the gear.

Then on a dual carriageway I slowed down for a car to merge to about 50mph, the car swerved to just in front of me, almost hitting me. I swerved as well, but didn't go out my lane but the car on my right hit the horn multiple times as obviously I freaked them out.

Then on a three laned roundabout the lines were very faded and then totally disappeared. The car behind me on the right was very close- so on the inner side of the roundabout- and then got aggressively close. I had to move to the right of my now disappeared lane to make room for the other car on my left, and I'm not sure which one of us was 'out of place' but again he hit his horn and drove up the butt of my car for the next mile and a half.

I'm so confused. I don't know if I am genuinely a shit driver, or if I've just had a bad long, first journey. I did four hours of driving today and I've never done more than an hour. I'm a careful driver and have never had any issues before.

If I did make any mistakes today I've definitely learnt from them. But I'm still very shaken and feel like I shouldn't even be on the roads.

Do I sound like a shit driver? Or was this expected of a four hour journey, newish driver, DH being a pressuring bastard, never been on motorways before?

I have to make the same journey again next week. Do I go for it or do I just not try again?

Well if you did try out the clutch and you could press that you weren't too far back (though in future try this out when you are sat back in your seat).

If the gear box is an awkward on then it's possible that it's due to your lack of being used to it and being nervous that caused you not to be able to change gear.

You just need to drive more often - which he difficult if your husband thinks he's the one who should be in control. But it's the only way - and yes you'll need to perfect the manoeuvre 665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast described.

Maybe you should point out that since youre a fucking awful driver, he should get someone else to drive him. Cant be doing with ungrateful shits who you do a favour for, and they complain

I am a very new driver too - passed a few months ago. I've been working on confidence/ competence/ navigation since I passed, and here are the things that worked for me, in case you might find they work for you too.

Drive a place - I've been setting out for somewhere-or-other for a spurious excuse (like lunch). I choose the location based on squiggly looking junctions/ new (to me) patches of motorway - basically, trying to get myself into new situations when I'm not tired/ hurrying/ stressed, to build confidence and get used to new things.

GPS - this is absolutely a skill in its own right! When I put got one I did a couple of those spurious trips with a nice navigator in the passenger seat - but they were warned to keep quiet until I wanted their help. So I followed the GPS, but had a backup for when it all went wrong.

I have Car Rules. If I am driving I am in charge of everything - from the open-ness of windows to the music/ radio to when and where we stop - and I make this clear to anyone getting in the car with me. If I'm responsible for this huge lethal weapon I need to own that. (I think only my dad has tried to passenger-seat drive on me, but I know mostly non-drivers.) Oh, also, any passengers can be told to stop talking at any point and they must comply. That's in Car Rules too. Not to stop them harping, but because I want to not be distracted if doing complicated junctions or anything.

I am well aware that some of this requires time/ space/ cash/ compliant passengers, but if you could take a few hours out (at weekend - leave your DH home with the kids and take a supportive friend out for lunch!).

ANYWAY apart from that, it does sound like your driving wasn't great - but you know where you were shaky, and your second journey was better (hurrah! improving!) and also that your dh was a bit of an arse about it all. Definitely do it again next week unless you're feeling too stressed about it - but lay down the law about you being behind the wheel so you're in charge.

I often get people driving up the arse of my car and overtaking frequently

Then you need to consider that you are the problem in the equation. Definitely take a course or two, or give up driving - I honestly feel my teeth jangle when someone gains a license and just potters about town because the motorway scares them. Motorway driving is really the easiest thing of all.

Sounds like he enjoyed his status as the driver in the marriage and is trying to undermine you.

DH and I both critique each other's driving (his indicating and my 'speeding'), but we both know we're mostly competent, experienced drivers. Your DH should be encouraging and supporting you.

Daviesmum not sure why it would bother you whether someone chooses to drive or not drive on motorway. Also someone driving too close behind you makes them in the wrong. Not got a problem with overtaking myself as long as its done safely and not some idiot who hasnt got enough room and then everyone has to brake sharply to avoid a pile up

@DaviesMum

I mean I get people driving up my arse when I'm driving at the speed limit. Happened today when I was driving at 30, in a 30.
Even had speed camera signs- yet I had a (admittedly lovely) BMW driving far too close to my car.

I'm a newish driver but I'm not that new that I have trouble with speed. I always go up to the speed limit, unless of course the weather conditions call for less speed or if there's sharp turns and bends.

I definitely don't have an issue with keeping up to the speed limit. I know how dangerous driving too slowly can be.
The issue here seems to be people treating the speed limit as a minimum and then driving too close to my car in an attempt to intimidate me into going faster.

There's currently a motorway closed near me so the back roads are the diversion. They are a 50, yet people drive 70 up them as there is no speed camera. Seeing as every journey I make involves these back roads, I always seem to have some idiot driving right up to my car, getting dangerously close, dropping back, doing it again, etc... and then overtaking. I won't go above 50mph if that is the limit as I won't risk it.

mycatisevil thanks for your suggestions- you sound like a very safe driver.

Also worth mentioning that I've never been on the motorway as I've had no need. Everything is local to me. I use my car a LOT just never on motorways. Today was the first time. I wasn't nervous of the motorway until after the journey.
But I'll definitely go back on it, I'm planning on driving a route tomorrow which involves three junctions and I'm not worried about that. Now that I've done the journey and the return I feel much more confident.

I've reread the highway code this evening, particularly motorway bits, etc... and I feel much better now. I've learnt that lack of confidence is a mistake, so tomorrow I'll try again and this time I'll be more confident as I've done it once.

Just a thought about what you say about people always driving close behind you/overtaking - is your speedometer is accurate? It's not unusual for them to be inaccurate, so you could be going slower than you think.

FWIW I've been driving for nearly 20 years (same amount of time as my DH) and he used to be a pain whenever I was driving with his constant instructions (at that point I'd have been driving for over 10 years). After a few occasions when I yelled at him to keep his comments to himself (and we then had very quiet trips due to his sulking!) he finally dialled it down.

I've rarely met a man who thinks he's a bad driver.

I agree, but just not thinking it doesn't mean they're not.

I would suggest that you do a lot more driving on your own OP, that will build your confidence whereas having your OH in the car is denting your confidence. I'm in a very similar position having returned to driving after a gap of 15 years. My OH as a passenger cannot resist snapping at me and criticising/over-indtructing me and it makes me nervous. So I insisted that I only want to drive alone until I feel really comfortable.

When I passed my test, I had only driven in the country, and taken my test in a small town without a roundabout, zebra crossing or traffic lights! (They've got a crossing and mini-roundabout now!)

The first thing I did was take myself off to the nearest big city and book a lesson to learn to cope with multi-lane roads, city centre streets and so on. It's something to think about.