AIBU about being called a "fucking awful driver" by DH

[FlowerSour]

Rather shaken after today, so partly posting here for traffic. Will try and make it short.

DH and I have a good relationship. He can't drive at the moment due to crutches and we had to drive a four hour round journey today, on the dual carriageway, some motorway and LOTS of horrible, curvy country roads.

I only passed my test eight months ago and since then I have never gone on a motorway, only on one short dual carriageway and have stuck to local driving.

So today was my first proper journey that was long, and only the second journey that I had to use a sat nav. I'd also never driven on such busy, country roads before. I was very nervous and now feel shit.

DH has said I'm a "fucking awful driver."

On the journey, DH insisted my seat was too far forward, so I moved it back despite me thinking it was fine. He was insistent I was too close. This meant that I couldn't reach the clutch as well as before and five minutes later I almost lost control on a country road at 45mph as I couldn't reach the clutch, which meant I couldn't lower the gear.

Then on a dual carriageway I slowed down for a car to merge to about 50mph, the car swerved to just in front of me, almost hitting me. I swerved as well, but didn't go out my lane but the car on my right hit the horn multiple times as obviously I freaked them out.

Then on a three laned roundabout the lines were very faded and then totally disappeared. The car behind me on the right was very close- so on the inner side of the roundabout- and then got aggressively close. I had to move to the right of my now disappeared lane to make room for the other car on my left, and I'm not sure which one of us was 'out of place' but again he hit his horn and drove up the butt of my car for the next mile and a half.

I'm so confused. I don't know if I am genuinely a shit driver, or if I've just had a bad long, first journey. I did four hours of driving today and I've never done more than an hour. I'm a careful driver and have never had any issues before.

If I did make any mistakes today I've definitely learnt from them. But I'm still very shaken and feel like I shouldn't even be on the roads.

Do I sound like a shit driver? Or was this expected of a four hour journey, newish driver, DH being a pressuring bastard, never been on motorways before?

I have to make the same journey again next week. Do I go for it or do I just not try again?

On the way back I felt better. I spoke to DH (aka told him to shut the fuck up) and the traffic was less and I did relax. Moved seat forward, merged happily into dual carriageways, and I had to overtake some cars that were going far too slowly so the fact I wasn't one of them trundling along surely means I did improve once my nerves went down.

It was more DH's comment that bothered me.

Your DH was out of order. It sounds like you made mistakes, but you are still inexperienced and need more practice - preferably on your own, when you're not uptight about being told off! I'm glad the return journey was better.
Can you get some refresher lessons, or motorway lessons to help you with confidence?
Oh, and tell your DH to shut up when you are driving.
Just had a thought - perhaps you could train for the Advanced Motorist test. Then you could tell DH where to go!

Sounds like the merger wasn't matching their speed to ongoing traffic and basically not merging safely.
If you can't move over to the right lane I would say try slowing down in plenty time to allow them to merge in front of you and if you can't do either just maintain what you are doing or else there would more likely be some kind of pile up if you react.

You dp didn't help you at All, can't stand back seat drivers just keep doing what you are comfortable with and know to be right.

Long distance driving are few and far between for some drivers and especially new ones.
I did my first 4 hour stint solo and I was nervous but survived even with the odd potential collision that was about happen before my eyes. You just have to keep going.

Must add - I am a terrible passenger when my DP is driving (no-one else, just him)
He makes terrible decisions about directions, which lane to use, not indicating, gazing around at property, hogging the middle lane,and never saying thank you!
He has been driving for 35 years. (probably needs a rest)

I think that expecting you to drive 4 hours in roads that you aren't used to was a really big ask TBH.
As PP said, what you need is to get more experience. And your DH could do well in remembering how he was after so little practice after getting his driving licence.

I do get you are shaken. I would be too.
But the only answer to that is to keep driving and to challenge yourself GENTLY by getting in the motorway/busier roads/twisty roads etc... by not all of it on the same drive and not with such a long drive.

Oh and please do ask to drive too, it should not just your DH unless he can't (I'm getting the feeling that the default position is him driving when you are together) or whenever he wants a break

you say you've been driving eight months but the real thing is how much driving experience you had in that time.

the journey you describe is the kind of journey I was lucky enough to do alone when I first did it (at 18) - I would have hated having anyone in the car if that makes sense. I drove my friends around locally but I still remember the first time I went to Kent - I'd had motorway lessons though - and had to do all that lane changing etc. Country lanes weren't an issue because I visited people who lived out in the country as well as driving in London.

anyway, sorry, my point is, it sounds like you've done your first long and new experience with a total PITA sitting in the car shouting at you. I can't help thinking you might not just have been better at it but even enjoyed it if you had been alone.

I liked driving but I have heard that Advanced Motoring classes are good for those who don't like it or are still nervous.

I think if you are really worried you could do a refresher lesson but it really sounds like your DP was the issue.

It's impossible for us to know if you're a shit driver based on what you've told us.

But it's pretty clear you've got a shit husband.

PS I should add I learned years ago and re the driver who was tailgating you for ages - I really notice that driving is much more problematic now that when I was doing it. That's just my view from the top of the bus anyway!!

Seen your last post.

You had the right answer by telling him to shut up. Nothing worse than someone criticising you whilst you are driving (or telling you what to do, I'm looking at you there DH!)

Re the seat to much forward.
You don't want to be too close to the wheel. Both because of the airbag in case of an accident and because it makes it harder to turn the wheel.
HOWEVER, we all have different body proportions. I you have short legs (like me), you cant do anything else than being quite close to the wheel! If you are so far away that you can push the clutch pedal properly, then clearly that was too far, whatever your DH thinks.

Whatever your driving was like, your DH sounded like a truly terrible passenger.

My DH is an awful passenger. I'm a decent driver, but I just can't bear driving DH as he constantly criticises my driving. But I'm confident that it's him not me. I'd tell him to stay quiet (less politely than that) then, once he can drive again just don't bother driving him anywhere. DH also reacts badly to other drivers on the road making mistakes or driving in ways that he doesn't approve of. He has got a bit better in that he doesn't now react to them through his car/driving.

A few months ago my DH reversed straight back into my parents' car on our drive. I've never done that .

In the main that's men for you OP - they think they can do everything better. Also I think everything seems far worse than it is in the passenger seat. I would say my OH is an excellent driver, but I still find myself holding on to the passenger seat for dear life sometimes and going for the imaginary brake by my feet. Similarly when I'm driving I've noticed that he holds onto the handle above the passenger door sometimes and is checking what gear I'm in - he knows better than to comment though ....
I firmly believe that you only really learn to drive once you've passed your test, and I've long thought that there should be some sort of mandatory lesson on the motorway after you've got your licence.
Give yourself a pat on the back for the journey you did today - it was a long one on roads that you hadn't driven on before.

He's an absolute twat, I would not be driving him again, he can get a blooming taxi. He should be helping you build your confidence, not knocking you down. You are a new driver, you learn from mistakes.

For the record op if i had to tackle all those new things 8 months after passing my test, in a 4 hour round journey with a perfect driver sat next to me i probably would gave had a breakdown half way. It took me months just to go daturday afternoon shopping in town as it was too busy with cars and i might not find a parking spot.
Don't be hard on yourself, the things you did should be built up not thrown in at deep end unless you are a very confident new driver.
And for the record, every little mistake you made would have knocked your confidence even more so not surprising you had a few 'moments' in the journey really

Sounds like you may have made mistakes (hard to tell for sure) which probably happened as soon as your husband commented on your seat position. You were clearly uncomfortable after that so if you did make mistakes it was most likely due to your back street driver making you nervous. BTDT with dh when I was learning to drive. He wasn't an arse but he had very little patience which made me nervous so I ended up getting my mum to come out with me instead as she was more calming.

Experienced drivers make mistakes all the time. I made one a few weeks ago that thankfully didn't result in anyone or any cars getting hurt. My husband who has been driving for a lot longer than I have made a mistake a few months ago that did result in him hitting another car, but again, thankfully no one was hurt and not much damage was done to the car.

It's easy to make mistakes, every driver has done it. Especially relatively new drivers. Don't beat yourself up about it and I'm glad your husband has apologised. Never let anyone tell you your seat positioning is wrong. I am 5ft 2 and my seat is very close to the steering wheel and my seat is as high up as it can go. It what is safest for me.

8 months in I think that's pretty poor driving. It's a bit worrying that even with hindsight you don't seem at all sure of what you should have done in these situations, so I definitely think you could do with some more intensive lessons, and a lot more experience. If you don't have a reason to drive on motorways more often, find one and start building up your confidence.

Your DH wasn't helpful, but TBH I would have been a wreck. It's really awful driving with an un-skilled nervous driver, and much worse I expect when there's no way you can get them to stop and let you take over. So yeah, he was a dick, but I think it's understandable.

Your DH was an arse with the comment.

Now about your driving - what you describe is not the sign of a confident driver. Why have 8 months gone by since your test with only local driving? That is exactly where the nerves are arising. The longer you put motorways off the more they become a "thing" and long drives become an event and the cycle of nerves begins.

A safe driver on the roads needs to be confident. You will not be confident if you only stick to short local residential area drives for as long as 8 months after a test.

I also know this sounds stupid but I am paranoid the car on the dual carriageway on the right (aka the innocent car that beeped me as the other bastard tried to force me out the lane) will report me to the police as DH just turned around and went "oh I think that car on the dual carriageway had a dash cam." I'm now incredibly nervous over that, and DH and I are now arguing again as I don't see why he had to tell me that hours after the journey.

I pulled off okay but the gears were sticking as I wasn't putting the clutch down fully. Which I didn't realise at first

Honestly this sounds really dangerous. I don't understand how you couldn't have realised, especially if you had moved the seat on your DH say so, surely the first thing you do is check the clutch.

The merging car. You said you slowed down for the car to merge but then didn't let it infront of you and moved so the car was straggling two lanes.
Someone slowing down when you are trying to merge but not actually letting you in is really danagerous and frustrating for the other car.
You need to either keep/increase your speed so the car can merge behind you or slow down and let the car in infront. Moving over but not into the other lane also sounds a dangerous as the car merging may have thought you were moving over but then you didn't so left him straggling the two lanes. The car in the right hand lane was understandably frightened you were going to hit them.

Maybe look up the RAB on a map where you can view the cars on, this will give you an idea if there was room for 3 cars. Often large RAB like this use left and right lanes for the same exit but obviously without knowing the particular RAB we can't know if the car to your right shouldn't have been there or whether you just misjudged it.

You placed your seat where you knew you couldn't reach the clutch properly and continued to drive? That is so dangerous and frankly idiotic, you could have easily caused an accident.

There is nothing worse than driving on a taxing and long journey and having someone next to you watching your every move and finding something to criticise. Refuse to take him anywhere - tell him to go by public transport.

Get some additional lessons that focus on the things that you are finding challenging to increase your confidence, and tell your OH to take a running jump.

We all find these situations challenging, especially to begin with, so take heart.

I am a nervous driver, I won't deny it. I've had multiple, belittling passengers over the past few months and my confidence with driving is now in the gutter.

Every time something happens, even if it's definitely not my fault, it leads me to overthinking it for hours.

I stayed local for months as I had no reason to venture out. From then on my confidence had fallen.

However, I feel more confident after the return journey went okay.

Kmc11 8 months driving is not that long, and she is used to driving locally. Tbh if I was used to driving locally, I would not have done that journey, but insist we take a bus or train or not go. I do agree, motorway lessons are a good idea and Pass Plus. The only way your going to get better is to have more experience, don't let that put you off. Some people are bad even after years of driving. You are still gaining experience.

Don't have passengers until your very confident.