AIBU about being called a "fucking awful driver" by DH

[FlowerSour]

Rather shaken after today, so partly posting here for traffic. Will try and make it short.

DH and I have a good relationship. He can't drive at the moment due to crutches and we had to drive a four hour round journey today, on the dual carriageway, some motorway and LOTS of horrible, curvy country roads.

I only passed my test eight months ago and since then I have never gone on a motorway, only on one short dual carriageway and have stuck to local driving.

So today was my first proper journey that was long, and only the second journey that I had to use a sat nav. I'd also never driven on such busy, country roads before. I was very nervous and now feel shit.

DH has said I'm a "fucking awful driver."

On the journey, DH insisted my seat was too far forward, so I moved it back despite me thinking it was fine. He was insistent I was too close. This meant that I couldn't reach the clutch as well as before and five minutes later I almost lost control on a country road at 45mph as I couldn't reach the clutch, which meant I couldn't lower the gear.

Then on a dual carriageway I slowed down for a car to merge to about 50mph, the car swerved to just in front of me, almost hitting me. I swerved as well, but didn't go out my lane but the car on my right hit the horn multiple times as obviously I freaked them out.

Then on a three laned roundabout the lines were very faded and then totally disappeared. The car behind me on the right was very close- so on the inner side of the roundabout- and then got aggressively close. I had to move to the right of my now disappeared lane to make room for the other car on my left, and I'm not sure which one of us was 'out of place' but again he hit his horn and drove up the butt of my car for the next mile and a half.

I'm so confused. I don't know if I am genuinely a shit driver, or if I've just had a bad long, first journey. I did four hours of driving today and I've never done more than an hour. I'm a careful driver and have never had any issues before.

If I did make any mistakes today I've definitely learnt from them. But I'm still very shaken and feel like I shouldn't even be on the roads.

Do I sound like a shit driver? Or was this expected of a four hour journey, newish driver, DH being a pressuring bastard, never been on motorways before?

I have to make the same journey again next week. Do I go for it or do I just not try again?

It is stressful driving with someone more experienced when you're behind the wheel. I'm currently learning to drive and I go out with DP between my lessons (basically, if we drive anywhere, I drive and he sits in with me) and although I do fine most of the time, it's hard!

We live in his home county and he's been driving on these roads since he was 17. I only moved up here last year and started driving regularly without an instructor two weeks ago! He's endlessly patient but we have snapped at each other. We made a deal that whatever disagreements we have while I'm learning to drive are forgotten as soon as we get out of the car.

He shouldn't be swearing at you or being nasty. You've passed your test but you're still learning and that's NORMAL. It takes time to build up your confidence and that only happens with practise. I have to force myself to drive roads I hate (we have lots of windy, country roads here where you often have to pull over, reverse etc.) - it's bloody stressful but I need all the experience I can get. You don't become a good driver just driving routes you know when there's no traffic, after all.

I've rarely met a man who thinks he's a bad driver.

I'm a very experienced driver, completed my Class 2 (lorry) in the army years ago and been driving for 27 years.

My DH is a class 1 driver, much more experienced than me and he's a back seat driver. He's made me feel exactly like you in the past.

He got told in no uncertain terms to be bloody quiet or he will be driving everywhere at all times, forever.

He still can't help himself but he now gets "the look". Nods his head and almost turns himself out letting me get on with it

Is this the first time you've driven your husband? I'm going to take a stab in the dark it is.

Your DH sounds like he believes he's much better at things and knows more than you. Fact. (To him.) He doesn't like having to hand the reins over and not being in control.

The biggest mistake you made was (apart from believing he knows better too) was not checking you could fully press your clutch down from the seat position he declared best for you.

The rest is down to slack driving from other drivers (merging when it wasn't safe and the tailgating) plus your inexperience of how to handle this.

It's possible you were wrong with your positioning on the roundabout without knowing the roundabout or witnessing it's hard to say. He could have also been wrong. Overall here he's overridingly wrong with being aggressive on the road.

Maybe take up the suggestion of an advanced driving course. If anything afterwards you can tell your husband about everything he's doing wrong when he's back in his rightful place according to him in the driving seat.

My DH is a controlling back seat driver too. But I'm another who tells him to zip it or get out.

Genuinely thought clutch was fine. It's an old 4 x 4 with very 'heavy' gears and when I pulled off I honestly thought the gears were fine. And then Dh saying it's "much better" convinced me further.

Your husband sounded very nervous but that might have little to do with your driving ability and more his frustration at being s passenger.

Good driving develops over the years. Part of it is learning the signs of aggressive drivers and predicting their twatty moves. Part of it is learning that you need to move out of the inside lane if you can when people are coming up the slip road, or you slow down to let them in. Some roundabouts have crap lanes that are unclear. You're going to make mistakes just like the rest of us. But you have just as much right on the roads as they do. Unless you are swerving all over the place the dash can driver won't be enough to do you for dangerous driving.

Perhaps you could get your own dash cam just in case you need to prove someone else drove poorly.

You sound like a slightly nervous new driver OP.... your OH was being unfair, even if you made mistakes as he should be helping you gain some confidence....
have you considered Pass+ or joining the Institute of Advanced Drivers or RoSPA.... any of these will help you to gain the experience and confidence you need x

Btw... a key to safe driving.... apart from the stuff you are normally told is to assume all other drivers are arseholes and drive accordingly 😁

So after you were instructed to move your seat back, and did so, you checked you could comfortably and fully push the clutch pedal to the floor before you turned the engine on?

Must add I'm a back seat driver whose had to learn to keep my mouth shut. It comes from a place of anxiety. We joke about it now to ease the tension. I'm worse when I'm emotional. My mum is a nightmare too so I know how it feels to be in the receiving end of it. I'd suggest having a joke with him next time he's in the car but explain that seriously he needs to stay quiet and allow you to learn at your own pace.

I pushed the clutch to the floor, it went down all the way. I'm wondering if I was leaning forward and then leant back a bit when I relaxed more, meaning I could no longer push it all the way down when I was sat further back.

I almost lost control on a country road at 45mph as I couldn't reach the clutch, which meant I couldn't lower the gear.

But surely you pressed the clutch down when you moved the seat back (before you set off) and must have known whether or not it touched the floor?

That's standard isn't it for when you get in a different car or if someone else has been driving your car and you need to adjust the seat. Nothing to do with 'heavy gears' whether you can reach the clutch.

I don't want to sound mean but if you don't even know whether the clutch pedal touches the floor, I'm not sure I would want to get in a car with you driving!

Also, you say you've had 'multiple belittling passengers over the past few months' assuming you mean they have also mentioned/questioned your driving ability? Maybe you just know lots of mean people who are saying you are a poor driver for no reason or maybe you could do with booking some lessons to help you.

I'd get some advanced lessons, not because of your driving, but more for confidence as you seem very nervous, and that's affecting your driving. Also tell you DH to shut up if he can't say anything helpful!

What a tosser your Dh is.

He can always drive himself. Oh, no he can't

Put up, it shut up!

Tell him to keep his mouth shut, or he can take the train or walk next time

The pedal touched the floor when I set off. I can only imagine I either leant further back or seat was not fully in position. The gears stick quite a lot of the time- even when DH drives- and have to be shoved into position, but not to the same extreme as on that corner!

Comments were from non driving mother who said I was going too slow (29 in a 30) and my sister who constantly teases me, saying I drive like a granny, need to speed up when I'm at speed limit, and saying things like, "god, you could have gone" when the light is orange. Just little comments really but enough to be annoying. None of them are remotely constructive.

My dad has been driven by me before and was actually very lovely and a good passenger. I've driven friends back from night outs in the town centre as well and had no comments (although they were drunk )

I think you need to perfect one particular manoeuvre.
Indicate left
Slow to a stop
Shout " get the fuck out and walk then"
Wait until action is complete.
Drive away giving suitable hand signals to disembarked passenger.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast

I thought that was going to be a very basic, serious post on how to indicate and then I read it and it's hilarious. It's not a funny situation but your post made me laugh.

I will do that next time although ironically it was DH that needed to get to where we were going.

Thing is, if you're a nervous driver, having someone criticise your every move is not going to help! I find it really difficult if I'm driving and DP starts saying "gear!" or "slow down for this bit" - even though I know he's trying to help because he knows the roads and where there are really tight corners or sudden hills, but when I'm trying to concentrate I find it quite distracting.

Tell your DH you've passed your test, and if all he's going to do is moan and criticise, he can get the bus!

Ffs. I think the least thing a new and nervous driver needs is people saying 'yes you are a bad driver' based on the assumption of an internet post.

Your husband is an idiot. I know my partner didn't always feel comfortable as a passenger with me but he's always been encouraging and calm in the car with me. You are going to make mistakes as a new driver. You are not an idiot, I'm sure you noticed! Having lots of critical passengers is not going to help you with confidence, which sounds like the root of a few of these errors. I know, I'm a later learner and captain cautious kind of driver. I have got loads better in the last year through driving.

I'd tell him - before you get in the car - that his criticism could have a dangerous effect on your driving. It's distracting and affects your confidence. So if he wants any more lifts, he needs to consider if he can keep his lip zipped. Because otherwise you'll be turning the car round and going home....

Oh and take confidence from your successful drive back. When you're the driver, you get to create the driving conditions that are most supportive for your driving.

Your DH's job was to keep you calm, as an inexperienced driver on a difficult drive. Tell you you're doing fine, maybe talk you through the difficult bits, soothe your jangled nerves. He failed that one, didn't he?!

I can't really tell who was in the wrong from your description, but I know one thing, and that is that the tailgater was a cunt. Because all tailgaters are cunts, without exception. Fact.

The innocent party in the lane swerve thing absolutely will not report you to the police. I promise! Think no more about that. That was the person who was merging's fault.

You sound like a perfectly fine and careful new driver. I'd do the advanced driving course though, just so you feel more confident.

I'd stop giving your DH lifts though, he sounds spectacularly unsupportive and like his masculinity is threatened by being driven by a woman. Give his arms a workout and let him go on foot.

Your husband has behaved like an arsehole, however

He did.

But being a passenger in a car with someone who is driving dangerously is absolutely petrifying and you can do nothing about it.

I think that a journey like this was too much at this stage. Practice, practice, practice on shorter motorway runs before attempting any more 2 hour drives. I used to drive one junction of the motorway to practice merging and leaving the motorway, changing lanes etc.

@boysofmelody you have a choice about what you do with being petrified. Tip: criticising a nervous driver is unlikely to suddenly improve their performance! I appreciate for some people it's scary, but if your aim is to ensure a safe journey best approach is to adopt behaviours and guidance likely to support good driving. It is possible! I know when I was learning to drive my partner suffered as a passenger, but he really worked hard at making sure that wasn't expressed as unhelpful criticism.