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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to avoid a couple I dislike

66 replies

Decaffstilltastesweird · 06/08/2017 16:48

...even though I'm related to them?

My sil (DH's sister) and her husband are the couple in question. "Why do you dislike them?" I hear you cry. Well, I have to say they are perfectly decent people in so far as they don't commit terrible crimes or abuse anyone. They aren't my kind of people to begin with, but over the years I've known them, I've grown to dislike them. Sil is quite competitive in a silly, smirky sort of way, but manages to contain it most of the time and it isn't too annoying. When her husband is there though, this becomes passive aggressive little digs at me, backed up with a smirk from sil. I also know that they used to bitch about me to my DH's other sister, as I caught them out, but it was something so vague that it would have been impossible to prove even if I had wanted the aggravation of doing so. They bitch a lot about other people, so this doesn't really surprise me and doesn't especially bother me as we have never been close.

I could sit and list all the examples, but the bottom line is that I find them very stressful to be around.

I've never spoken to anyone else in the family about it, but it surprises me that nobody's noticed it. There is a lot of favouritism towards sil anyway, so I suppose they don't see it maybe or possibly do, but don't especially care. They are very close to sil and her husband and there dcs, so I would feel like I was attacking my pils or other sil personally, if I said anything to negative to any of them about sil or her husband iyswim. Anyway, we're all adults so really shouldn't need pils to intervene on my behalf.

So I suppose, after all that blabber, the problem I have is as much to do with the family dynamic as with sil and husband personally.

Is it fine to just let DH do all the in-law crap in future? We have a DD who loves seeing them, so obviously I wouldn't do anything to stop that. I'd encourage it really, as my own mum is dead, my dad and siblings aren't nearby and I'm not especially close to my siblings anyway.

Perfectly happy to be told I should plaster on a smile and put up with them to keep the peace, but the last time I had to spend a significant amount of time with them, I hated it so much. I got to a point where I sat mute at the table as everything I said seemed to result in either a smirk or a passive aggressive comment. I can just picture what they say behind my back and frankly don't want to be around them to provide any ammunition. I don't want to cut anyone out or anything, as we have a family wedding soon, so have to see them then. I'd just like to avoid spending time with them unless I have to. AIBU?

OP posts:
ImLizawithaZ · 06/08/2017 16:51

Yanbu! Life's too short to put up with nonsense like that, family or not.

IdentifiesAsASloth · 06/08/2017 16:53

As they are family I think you should still see them but limit the amount.

Squeegle · 06/08/2017 16:55

What does your DH think about it? He shouldn't let them carry on like this...

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 06/08/2017 16:56

my dad and siblings aren't nearby and I'm not especially close to my siblings anyway.

Thinking outside the box for a moment, perhaps it is you who has trouble with relationships?

I'm only asking before I get shot.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 06/08/2017 16:57

Thanks. That's the plan sloth. I think DH gets it, but I don't want to bitch to him about his sister. Is it worth bringing up with him do you think or just politely declining invitations to see them? We're usually direct with each other, but it's hard to say "I dislike your sister" to anyone...

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 06/08/2017 16:57

You're stuck with them unfortunately - but I'd practise coming down with a cold whenever visits are planned (unless for weddings, Christmas etc.) They'll suspect you're avoiding them and probably run you down behind your back, but it sounds like they do that anyway.

TurnipCake · 06/08/2017 16:57

Is it fine to just let DH do all the in-law crap in future? We have a DD who loves seeing them, so obviously I wouldn't do anything to stop that.

Yep, that sounds absolutely fine. If, after seeing people you feel worse on leaving than when you arrive, then stop, life's too short.

PixelLady42 · 06/08/2017 16:58

YANBU - I dislike my BIL and his family and do my best to avoid spending time with them.
I feel I have reasonable justification for doing so, and have discussed this with my husband who mostly agrees with me.
We see them at large family gatherings, but otherwise do our best to spend as little time with them as possible.
Why spend time with people you dislike and don't enjoy their company? Life is too short to tolerate people just to keep the peace!

Decaffstilltastesweird · 06/08/2017 16:59

bonkers

I'm not at all offended by that! No shooting from me. I am very close to my dad and get on well with my siblings when I actually see them. I just don't see them much. I have a good circle of friends where I live now, but I definitely have struggled a lot with the new family dynamic among my in-laws. That could so easily be my issue. Even if it is though, can I avoid them as they stress me out? Genuine question!

OP posts:
MartinJD · 06/08/2017 17:00

TBH reading your post it sounds like you're perhaps a tad envious their achievements, possessions, or perceived advantages such as favouritism.

Cheers,
M.JD

Squeegle · 06/08/2017 17:02

I think I would be honest with your DH, just tell him you don't feel that comfortable with them, and see what he says. Then he can take your DD along to these occasions.

Squeegle · 06/08/2017 17:02

MJD Hmm

TurnipCake · 06/08/2017 17:04

M.JD

Where on Earth in the OP did you get that from?

Jeers,
Turnip

youaredeluded · 06/08/2017 17:05

YANBU. Life is too short to waste it on people you dislike. Pack dh and dd off each time and you stay back. I can't stand the mumsnet martyrs who spent all their time with in laws they hate. Holidays, Christmases, Birthdays... why do people do it to themselves? Just sent them and don't give it a second thought. I can't stand my in laws so never make any effort to see them ever. I would never prevent my husband though, but I have no desire to waste my precious time with people who are just awful.

QuiteLikely5 · 06/08/2017 17:05

I would go v v v low contact. They sound very insecure hence their need to mock you.

In their company keep conversation to a minimum, with regular smiling and polite nods.

They sound toxic.

TheLegendOfBeans · 06/08/2017 17:06

@MJD

To want to avoid a couple I dislike
Decaffstilltastesweird · 06/08/2017 17:09

M.JD

I have thought of that actually. They have achieved some great things; three lovely children, great careers, loving family. I suppose these are enviable qualities / achievements. But most of my friends enjoy all those things and then some and I don't envy them, or at least not to the point where I love them any less. When my mum was still alive and BIL was unemployed, sil was studying (so was I) and we were all childless, we still weren't friends. If anything, we got on worse. It's just that I think after years of it, I've had enough now.

OP posts:
MartinJD · 06/08/2017 17:12

TurnipCake: Most of the post is pure conjecture on the OPs part. The OP thinks the other party are the benefactors of favouritism. thinks they talk behind her back.

Perhaps a clear head and a fresh start are all that is really required here? Just a thought.

Cheers,
M.JD

Loopytiles · 06/08/2017 17:13

It will be hard to avoid them completely without it being obvious to DH and the whole family. It doesn't sound bad enough for total no contact IMO. I wouldn't organise anything but would probably host or show my face occasionally so as not to rock the boat. I also wouldn't be keen for DC to spend time with them much without being there in case they said crappy things around or to the DC.

MartinJD · 06/08/2017 17:15

Decaffstilltastesweird: In that case it may just be that as you say, they aren't your type of people.

In which case i would tell your partner straight up that you dont like them, and that life is too short to spend time with people you don't like.

Best,
M.JD

NoCapes · 06/08/2017 17:17

Cheers
M.JD

^This has got me giggling like a schoolgirl
Wtf M.JD!?! GrinGrinGrin

NoCapes · 06/08/2017 17:17

Oh now it's 'Best' 😂

Decaffstilltastesweird · 06/08/2017 17:23

That's an interesting way to look at it M.JD. I'm about 99% certain I caught them out talking about me behind my back and the fact that they do it about most other people would make me quite surprised if I was immune to it, especially since we've never got on brilliantly to begin with. The favouritism is definitely subjective and to do with my own perception. It's something that is impossible to be otherwise isn't it? It's quite hard to respond to your comment that it's all conjecture tbh as well, this is mumsnet, not court. For all you know I have no sil Grin!

As for fresh starts. I treat every time I see them as a fresh start. But then the negative comments start. Looking back, it's worse when they've had a drink or two. Maybe totally avoiding them at occasions where there is alcohol might be a plan...

OP posts:
Decaffstilltastesweird · 06/08/2017 17:27

Loopy

That worries me a little too. But I don't think they'd say anything obviously horrible about me to my own DD. Even when they're being a bit unpleasant to me, it's very subtle. I probably would expect DH to be with them most of the time anyway as DD is still very young. They wouldn't say anything obviously horrible about me to / in front of him. He's quit every protective but just a little unaware sometimes.

OP posts:
MartinJD · 06/08/2017 17:27

NoCapes: Do try to keep up at the back.

Cheers!
M.JD

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