To want to avoid a couple I dislike

[Decaffstilltastesweird]

...even though I'm related to them?

My sil (DH's sister) and her husband are the couple in question. "Why do you dislike them?" I hear you cry. Well, I have to say they are perfectly decent people in so far as they don't commit terrible crimes or abuse anyone. They aren't my kind of people to begin with, but over the years I've known them, I've grown to dislike them. Sil is quite competitive in a silly, smirky sort of way, but manages to contain it most of the time and it isn't too annoying. When her husband is there though, this becomes passive aggressive little digs at me, backed up with a smirk from sil. I also know that they used to bitch about me to my DH's other sister, as I caught them out, but it was something so vague that it would have been impossible to prove even if I had wanted the aggravation of doing so. They bitch a lot about other people, so this doesn't really surprise me and doesn't especially bother me as we have never been close.

I could sit and list all the examples, but the bottom line is that I find them very stressful to be around.

I've never spoken to anyone else in the family about it, but it surprises me that nobody's noticed it. There is a lot of favouritism towards sil anyway, so I suppose they don't see it maybe or possibly do, but don't especially care. They are very close to sil and her husband and there dcs, so I would feel like I was attacking my pils or other sil personally, if I said anything to negative to any of them about sil or her husband iyswim. Anyway, we're all adults so really shouldn't need pils to intervene on my behalf.

So I suppose, after all that blabber, the problem I have is as much to do with the family dynamic as with sil and husband personally.

Is it fine to just let DH do all the in-law crap in future? We have a DD who loves seeing them, so obviously I wouldn't do anything to stop that. I'd encourage it really, as my own mum is dead, my dad and siblings aren't nearby and I'm not especially close to my siblings anyway.

Perfectly happy to be told I should plaster on a smile and put up with them to keep the peace, but the last time I had to spend a significant amount of time with them, I hated it so much. I got to a point where I sat mute at the table as everything I said seemed to result in either a smirk or a passive aggressive comment. I can just picture what they say behind my back and frankly don't want to be around them to provide any ammunition. I don't want to cut anyone out or anything, as we have a family wedding soon, so have to see them then. I'd just like to avoid spending time with them unless I have to. AIBU?

I feel you should be able to tell DH you find his sister too stressful to be around and that you intend to severely restrict contact from now on.

I would avoid any casual get togethers but still see her and be polite and friendly at unavoidable events such as christenings/big family events. I don't think their behaviour warrants that, and if you see them less, you may be able to enjoy playing your own mental game of ILS Bingo in your head.

You just cross off a mental square for "Slagged off a friend" "Boasted about their house" "criticised someones weight" or whatever it is she/he does. It just helps to dilute the shit and give you a private giggle.

It's not a couple you dislike, it's your husbands sister, she's family now.
That's it.
If you don't have relationships with your own family maybe that is something you should look at rather than trying to coerce strangers on the web to agree with you wanting to alienate your husband from his sister.
When you and he divorce, she will still be his sister. You will just be a troublesome x.

Quite right that it is tricky to tell someone you don't like their sister, so maybe you could phrase it that you are incompatible or even that you are quite aware that she doesn't like you and prefer to stay away.

Yes, weddings, christenings etc I can handle seeing them, going to my internal happy place and plastering on a smile. They aren't terrible people. I just think they sometimes have a strange, (I'd say mean-spirited), sense of fun.

We're expecting another baby before the next wedding, so I will probably have a valid excuse not to stay long. I'll try and make sure that's always the case where possible.

demander

Yes, she's DH's sister and always will be. They are fairly close and I hope that continues. I encourage him to contact her and help him pick nice presents for her birthday, Christmas etc. I genuinely hope they remain as close as possible.

I know the divorce rate in this country, so I'm under no illusions, but hopefully I won't be divorced in the immediate future. Who can say though, of course?

Working on my own family ties isn't a great idea, so thanks for that suggestion (although I'm aware you probably didn't suggest that to be kind). I'll call my siblings later for a catch up. Thanks for the reminder.

"IS a great idea" sorry.

i would avoid if it's easy to do so, and suck it up at weddings etc. but not have any real interaction with them. i do this with my inlaws. doesn't solve the problem entirely because i do occasionally have to deal with them, but at least i don't see them every weekend anymore. my relationship with them has taken a hit too, but at the expense of my mental health. so that's a compromise i'm prepared to make.

You are definitely not BU. Some in-laws are difficult and life is too short to worry much about whether they like or accept you. As long as you are polite and civil when you see them and don't stop them having a healthy relationship with your husband or any future kids, then thats fair enough. No need to highlight it to your husband unless you really want to. These things can blow way out of proportion and its not necessarily worth it.

I got pretty fed up with my MIL after all the passive aggressive comments and bitchy remarks which were subtle enough to fall under my husbands radar, but obvious enough to make me feel like shite. I'm polite when I see her, allow her access to the DC's pretty much whenever she wants but I don't hang about, I make my excuses and I'm off! Not listening to her shite, life is too short. FWIW, husband hasn't even noticed

I realise I said in my op that I wouldn't encourage my DD to continue to see them as much as possible, but didn't mention DH. To clarify; I would expect him to be the one facilitating said contact with DD and would encourage him to stay close to his family of course. No plans to alienate him from his sister or anyone else. I really didn't think that needed to be said, so apologies for not saying it.

"I would encourage" sorry! Fecking autocorrect.

Demander

Harsh. Why would you (rather unkindly) be predicting divorce?

Are you the sister?

Nah, sil has more class than that, (sorry demander). I may not like sil, but I wouldn't think she'd go round saying things like that to strangers on MN . Unless she has a much more confrontational online alter ego.

I'll probably devote more head space to encouraging DH's relationship with her and the rest of the family now though. That would make me feel better and be good for DH and DD. If I don't have to see them much, apart from big events, then I'll have plenty of free head space! (joke - I know it's a break up song).

And thanks btw to whoever said to explain to DH that sil, husband and I just aren't compatible. That's the truth anyway. I don't wish them any harm, I just don't want to be around them very much.

Thanks all, this thread has really helped me sort through my thoughts.

Also, it's been such fun to coerce you all into telling me to alienate my DH from his family mwahahahaha! Dance for me puppets!

I wasn't trying to be unkind, you asked.

It's the objective surely, to make a considered opinion that prompts deeper thoughts in the questioner.
Is it classy to bitch, is it classy to be petty?
No.
But then, I don't do that.

It'd be illogical and hypocritical to encourage DH (and DC) to spend time with his family members who you dislike. Let him organise things, it's his life and family.

Unless you're planning on turning up every few times, or helping DH host if he organises and requests this I do think you should tell him that you don't enjoy spending time with them and why. Weddings/funerals only is pretty much no contact, which is a big deal IMO.

Your post wasn't a considered opinion. You made a big assumption that I would attempt to alienate my husband from his sister based on nothing I've said on here. It was pretty bitchy, petty and lacking in class. None of my posts have been any of those things. I haven't said anything bitchy about sil or bil, simply explained how it feels to be around them. If I'd said "AIBU to think sil and bil are a pair of cunts" your post might have made more sense, but as it is, it just sounds as if you have something personal against my post, (which is why someone asked if you were my sil). Obviously I don't think that's the case, but it certainly was a very ott and uncalled for post on a thread in which I wasn't trying to be unkind to anyone. Read all my posts and kindly rethink your very harsh opinion.

loopy

Sorry, I missed your post before I responded to demander.

I dislike them, but as I said in op, they aren't bad people at all. They just have a strange sense of humour / what they enjoy socially. I don't like it, but they seem to get on fine among their own family and friend circles so meh. It's clearly just personal preference.

Honestly, I would feel better if I could do nice things for them, (like continuing to choose nice presents for sil), without ever having to be in their company.

I will tell DH why I don't really want to be around them though. I don't think he'll mind. He doesn't spend much time with my siblings either.

I did have a really long chat with one of my sisters last night which was nice. She might come and stay with us soon. So thanks for that suggestion of yours demander (although, as I said, I'm not sure if you intended it to be kind).

Demander

It's the objective surely, to make a considered opinion that prompts deeper thoughts in the questioner.
Is it classy to bitch, is it classy to be petty?
No.
But then, I don't do that.

Demander, you sound pretty bitch and petty to me, actually.

If you don't have relationships with your own family maybe that is something you should look at rather than trying to coerce strangers on the web to agree with you wanting to alienate your husband from his sister.

OP may not be close to her siblings because they live far away? Or they could have scapegoated her for their own issues, which is pretty common on MN? Why don't you ask her before making your 'considered opinion'?

When you and he divorce, she will still be his sister. You will just be a troublesome x.

You're nasty as well. And possibly projecting your own crap on to OP.

OP I think you're right to keep your distance. And I would also leave DH to cards and presents for them. I do think he is a coward for not pulling his family up on how they treat you. He notices but buries his head in the sand.

LOL @ the cheers M..D thing, it's like the weird 'sent from my over-rated, over priced piece of shit that I think makes me look good because it cost £1000,' meme thingy.

Re the OP, yes you have every right to feel as you do. However, as it's your husband's family, I'm afraid there isn't a lot you can do about the situation. I used to be with someone - many years ago, and I loathed his brother and father, and I had to sit there while they came out with their misogynistic racist bullshit. My partner at the time used to say nothing to shut them up either (one of the reasons we finished!)

Re the M.JD comments; I think it's ridiculous to say she sounds jealous! How on earth are you getting THAT from her posts!

Anyone else feel that M.JD is a man?

Cheers, all the best, toodle-pipski.

H.HC.

I agree hiphop

(although my work phone does send the wanky 'Sent from my iPhone' thing but only because I want people to know I'm not in the office so thry can't dump their work on me!)

@Zarah123

Which bit do you agree with @Zarah123? That she can't do much about the situation, or M.JD is a man?!

Thanks Zarah and Hiphop.

No, I don't expect there's much I can do about it, but it's good to hear that I'm not alone in thinking it's fine for me not to be around it too much.

If you don't like them then it's fine not to arrange stuff with them Tell your husband you don't really click and just go to stuff with his family you can't avoid. Otherwise do your own thing. He can still arrange to see his sister without you. I like my SIL but still rarely see her