To want to avoid a couple I dislike

[Decaffstilltastesweird]

...even though I'm related to them?

My sil (DH's sister) and her husband are the couple in question. "Why do you dislike them?" I hear you cry. Well, I have to say they are perfectly decent people in so far as they don't commit terrible crimes or abuse anyone. They aren't my kind of people to begin with, but over the years I've known them, I've grown to dislike them. Sil is quite competitive in a silly, smirky sort of way, but manages to contain it most of the time and it isn't too annoying. When her husband is there though, this becomes passive aggressive little digs at me, backed up with a smirk from sil. I also know that they used to bitch about me to my DH's other sister, as I caught them out, but it was something so vague that it would have been impossible to prove even if I had wanted the aggravation of doing so. They bitch a lot about other people, so this doesn't really surprise me and doesn't especially bother me as we have never been close.

I could sit and list all the examples, but the bottom line is that I find them very stressful to be around.

I've never spoken to anyone else in the family about it, but it surprises me that nobody's noticed it. There is a lot of favouritism towards sil anyway, so I suppose they don't see it maybe or possibly do, but don't especially care. They are very close to sil and her husband and there dcs, so I would feel like I was attacking my pils or other sil personally, if I said anything to negative to any of them about sil or her husband iyswim. Anyway, we're all adults so really shouldn't need pils to intervene on my behalf.

So I suppose, after all that blabber, the problem I have is as much to do with the family dynamic as with sil and husband personally.

Is it fine to just let DH do all the in-law crap in future? We have a DD who loves seeing them, so obviously I wouldn't do anything to stop that. I'd encourage it really, as my own mum is dead, my dad and siblings aren't nearby and I'm not especially close to my siblings anyway.

Perfectly happy to be told I should plaster on a smile and put up with them to keep the peace, but the last time I had to spend a significant amount of time with them, I hated it so much. I got to a point where I sat mute at the table as everything I said seemed to result in either a smirk or a passive aggressive comment. I can just picture what they say behind my back and frankly don't want to be around them to provide any ammunition. I don't want to cut anyone out or anything, as we have a family wedding soon, so have to see them then. I'd just like to avoid spending time with them unless I have to. AIBU?

I think you sound quite sensible op.

If they don't enjoy your company (sounds that way from description) then it might make for better long term harmony. They will be in your future come what may so keeping friendly in a more distant way is better than everyone sitting uncomfortably together because they feel that they ought to.

^^ this
No need to make a big drama. Just be busy for several functions. Turn up to big family events but try to avoid spending time. Christmas dinner may be tricky but you may have to suck that one up. Let it slide over your head and just smile and nod. Accept they are not your type of people and stay polite but distant. The mental bingo idea is a good one.

keeping friendly in a more distant way is better than everyone sitting uncomfortably together because they feel that they ought to.

This is exactly what I think. Why ruin everyone's day by being in each other's company when we don't enjoy it? They love seeing DH and DD, so why not leave them to it? I'm ok with my own company and can always find something productive to do / a good book to read.

Christmas dinner is fine. We only spend it with DH's family every other year and then we don't stay over or anything. Just a quick drive there and back for the actual dinner and exchanging gifts. This year will be a bit weird anyway as I'll be heavily pregnant, so I've invited my dad to stay for a few days rather than travelling to him, as we normally would have this year. We might just do an open invite to family and friends for the morning for drinks and nibbles. They can come or not and I'll be extremely busy in the kitchen.

Try to avoid thinking in absolutes such as being incompatible.

You are all at the (relative!) start of what will be, it is to be hoped a long association. The possessive in law who doesn't want to let you in the gang right now, might be the absolute rock in some future hour of need. People can surprise if you let them.

My mum tells how she really didn't take to her sil for a good while. Which is mind blowing seeing the 80 year old versions of themselves!

Being around each other in bigger groups is a good idea.

I don't have any crap pet, and I haven't targeted anyone or been bitchy or petty. That's projection defined for you right there. :)
That's not being "bitchy" ( I've had to laugh, it's like a bicker between 13 yr olds) , it is providing information and insight.
If one can't bear forthright insightful opinion, one shouldn't ask.
If you don't like my opinion, that's fine, there's not need to retaliate as I'm not attacking anyone. Simply disregard it and move on.
Some maturity and self restraint is required.
I'll demonstrate that now. :)

demander

The thing is though, you didn't just express an opinion. You fabricated an assertion that I was:

A) trying to alienate my husband from his sister when that couldnt be further from the truth. I corrected you on that and you still haven't admitted that you were wrong to make that assumption.

and B) That I was going too divorce my husband. "When you get divorced" etc. That's another strange assumption expressed as fact, not opinion. Certainly not your 'considered opinion' on the question I asked in my op, or, afaik, based on anything I've written since.

I'm sorry if you think my comments which were an attempt to lighten the nasty turn which the thread took fpr me when you decided to comment, were a retaliation against you personally. It really was meant to be a joke to lighten the mood, as I found your comment so cutting - you criticised my relationship with my own family and my marriage based on minimal information about us.

You have been thoroughly unpleasant about me personally on this thread. I have no idea why that might be, as I don't recall ever having come across you beforehand on MN, so I don't think you are bearing a grudge from a previous conversation on here. Either way, I'm glad you've decided not to comment again. I really hope you mean that .

I don't blame you for not wanting to see them. I would severely cut down the time you and dd spend there. I get that your dd likes her but do you really want your to think that talking people down like that, including her mother, is normal? And if she's being so horrible you don't feel you can speak when you are there imagine what she would say behind your back! I wouldn't want my dd exposed to that.
Just visit very occasionally (like once a year) and when she's being a cunt about people call her out on it and say something like 'I don't really like to say things like that about people who aren't here to defend themselves'.
Your dh is obviously an adult and free to visit by himself whenever he likes.

And thanks JoNa. That's reassuring. Who knows what the future will bring? We could end up best of friends one day.

Slowly withdraw.
Next time, find something else to do and suggest dh goes alone.

If one can't bear forthright insightful opinion, one shouldn't ask.

Well, it was certainly forthright. Not so much the other thing.

Thanks horsefeathers, but I think demander has stopped commenting. I'm still reeling a bit from his / her comment though. It's one of the most randomly nasty things I've ever had directed at me on here. But hey ho, apparently I'm way immature for mentioning it... I'm not the only person she / he's told to grow up today, so meh.

I dont think you should say "I dislike your sister", i think that is unhelpfully vague. Just explain what upsets you - that you feel she is competitively trying to undermine you and saying things designed to upset you.

My DH's sister can be a bit like this, but it is borne out of her own insecurities. I try to ignore it as much as I can but also put down boundaries, as I find she doesn't know when she is doing it but will be more careful when she gets a polite knockback. She does the same to my other SIL (whose DH is her other brother) - she has just got in this weird habit of saying rude things to people and not getting pulled up on it. She also has a tendency to misuse information about people to show it off as her own knowledge, even when it is really intimate (my cousin in law had problems with her privates and boobs during her first pregnancy and SIL told lots of people about them at a party in front of cousin!!!! it was mortifying).

anyway, she is a prat basically and we have to be really careful about telling her anything because she spreads it round that side of the family and it comes back to us all garbled and chinese whispers.

But I try to just put up with her at family events.

I think that is the civilised way to go - rather than having some dreadful Eastenders slanging match.

Oh god - no slanging match intended, believe me! They don't do anything bad enough to make me want to confront them tbh. I just don't like being around them. I find it stressful. DH knows that much and understands, but I think he thinks it's because they're a bit louder, socially speaking, than I am. Maybe I'll just stick with that and turn down invites. I don't even think sil would mind that. She freely admits that they are a louder couple.

Demander

Please don't send me private messages. Why say you aren't commenting and then sending messages saying how my earlier post directed to you "speaks volumes" and that you will avoid me forever on here? Just reply on the thread please. Privately messaging me is not in any way preferable. Thanks.

Not sure if this is against the rules, but on the offchance that anyone is interested or cares, this is the PM I just got from demander:

^"My response was to the poster who said I was "projecting my crap" which wasn't you. Reading would make that obvious.
I haven't been unpleasant to you and I've never encountered you before, your view that somebody could only digaree with you based on some previous disgruntlement speaks volumes. I'm new on here, never been on here before.
I shall forever avoid you on here for fear of you reporting me for stalking. :D"^

Back to the OP... I don't think you're BU. Who would want negative comments being directed at them all the time? It could be that your dh is so used to it he barely notices.

Can you give us an example so we can try to come up with helpful responses for you?