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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he wants to cause trouble?

100 replies

Emboo19 · 06/08/2017 14:20

Firstly I really don't like this person, so I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into it.

It goes a way back, but I'll try to include the relevant information without being too long. My bf has 3 good friends all known each other from primary and then there's a larger group of friends whom they've met at high school through football etc. One of the 3, let's call him Dave, is the problem. I don't like him, (think stereotypical ukip/trump supporting wanker) never have even before going out with my bf and he's not well liked by the majority in the group, other than my bf and the others from primary school. The rest of them are really nice guys (none share his opinions) and I don't get why they're friends with him, but for some reason they are and they tend to excuse his twatish behaviour as 'it's just what he's like' 'he doesn't mean it'.

He was pretty horrible when I was pregnant with something he said (although he denies he meant it the way I took it). My boyfriend had words with him, he apologised and my boyfriend reduced contact with him.

Now to recent, we've had a few nights out where Dave's been and he's been making his comments and digs again (my bf does always pull him up on them).
Then Friday I went out with friends, my boyfriend is away on a stag do with work friends. His brother who I'm good friends with babysat for our dd.
I saw a few of bf's friends out (Dave included) and was chatting to one who I get on really well with, he'd bought me and my friend a drink, Dave came over and asked 'where the kid was' (never calls her by name) made some comment regarding where my bf was and how hot the girls are there, and said me and the friend looked very cosy. This is the kind of thing he does/says.

Yesterday morning I see a photo my bf's brother put on instagram of him with his niece (my dd) saying babysitting, best uncle kind of thing and tagged their other brother and me, Dave had commented saying 'odd you only babysit when J's away, wonder what you get for that'. Boyfriends brother replied 'fuck off' which he followed with a 'only joking, why you being so sensitive' which is his usual response. I then had a message from a friend who'd seen he'd put a picture on snap chat of me talking to the other friend with some 'while the cats away comment' this would have probably gone to all that group of friends and my bf.
I've only briefly spoken to bf as he's still away and he's said he'll talk to him.
But I know he's going to just say it was a joke and I think it's going to get brushed aside again. I don't think it's just a joke though and although I know my bf trust me I don't want other people thinking there's any truth in it.

Sorry it's long and real school yard stuff! But AIBU, if I say enoughs, enough and that I don't want my bf to be friends with him anymore.

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 07/08/2017 10:24

I don't think he's stalking me 0ccams I do think he's purposefully drove past our house because he knew my bf's brother was babysitting and he wanted a way to approach that topic with my bf. So he's done it in a 'oh, look who's car I spotted, whys he there' my bf's replied 'he was babysitting for Emboo' then he's said 'I asked last night who had the baby and she never said'. I think it's his way of trying to make it look like I was hiding something. He was probably hoping my bf didn't know his brother was babysitting.

He's 24 rollon
All he says is they been friends for 20 years and he's not had it easy and it's all a front, he's not really that bad.

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 07/08/2017 10:55

he is on your dp's side by the sounds of it. horrible.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 07/08/2017 12:11

I'd start writing the stalkerish incidents down
Amd then talk to 101 about them. Driving tp yours, parking and taking photos Hmm

Emboo19 · 07/08/2017 16:51

I really don't think he's stalkerish, not towards a me anyway Drink I have screen shot the messages and instagram post though, more so he can't back track and say he didn't say that.
I think it's far more to do with my boyfriend. He'd sent him more messages while he was away than I did! (Even before he'd seen me out) I don't think he likes that he's made a new group of friends through work, he never really has before but the new friends have DC, so he's got more in common with them now. And typical of my boyfriend he knows someone two minutes and he's getting invited to their weddings and stag do's!

Thanks to everyone who reassured me I wasn't being over sensitive and that Dave is a massive wanker.
I feel better now, me and my boyfriend have had a lovely walk round the park and lunch out with DD. He's said he's really annoyed with him, not only the comments but taking photos without me knowing isn't on and he's massively overstepped the mark.
He's going to speak to Dave tonight, and tell him that as far as he's concerned they're no longer friends. He'll say 'hi' when they are out and still socialise in the bigger group, but he's not to contact him or me.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 07/08/2017 20:21

I'm glad to hear that emboo.

You couldn't be with a partner who is ok to be friends with someone who treats you so very badly!

HipsterHunter · 07/08/2017 20:25

I bet he's gay and fancies your DP something rotten

Sistersofmercy101 · 07/08/2017 20:36

For what it's worth, I think that "dave" has a SERIOUS issue with women, you (in his head) threaten his standing with his bessie-mate - your bf. It's massive jealousy, that you, a strong lass (he clearly can't take women with brains and backbone that's why he's misogynistic) are so respected and beloved by HIS friend (in his head it's bro's before hoe's). I think if you just carry on being in an honest and respectful relationship with your bf and challenging Daves ridiculous crass idiocy and not letting it slide, Dave will show himself up and the male group including your bf will self police and give Dave their own ultimatum. IMHO :)

Sistersofmercy101 · 07/08/2017 20:46

Sorry x posted but as you know you're definitely not being unreasonable! :)

Whocansay · 07/08/2017 21:10

Wow. He's actively trying to split you up.

I think he fancies your DP.

I would start to keep a log of his behaviour. Just in case.

winobaglady · 07/08/2017 21:34

I agree with all pp, Dave sounds like a right cock womble.
That said, why don't you and DP invite him round to yours one night for a meal. Sit him down and tell him that not only is his behaviour upsetting to you both, but it's making him look like a real idiot?
Follow the when you do this, it makes me feel like that, and makes you look like this steps?
If he carries on or doesn't take heed, drop him.

Rainbunny · 07/08/2017 22:00

So this person spends all this time and energy trying to cause trouble for you, when will your OH actually get angry about this? I'd be furious if a friend of mine acted this way towards my DP (and father of my child!) This arsehole is also insulting and showing a massive amount of disrespect towards your OH when he does things like this, doesn't your OH realise this?

Emboo19 · 08/08/2017 09:29

I do think that's it Sisters!

Thanks for the suggestion winobaglady my boyfriend spoke to him to last night anyway, but I think we were well past the sitting down for dinner stage.

He has realised and gotten angry Rainbunny. It's difficult to explain as he usually always does things in a way that you wonder if he did say or mean it like that. So one time he was making a comment about breastfeeding but not directly to me, and when I said something he said he didn't know I was breastfeeding or he'll be saying things to my boyfriend as if winding him up but it's things he knows will get at me or cause issues for us. It's all done in a supposed accidental I'm only joking anyway way!

Anyway, he's been broken up with! If you can break up with friends. My bf had to block his number as he kept trying to call him and he's phoned the other friends to see if they'll talk to him and sort it out for him.

OP posts:
Tazerface · 08/08/2017 09:52

Interesting he does all this when you don't have the opportunity to challenge him to his face isn't it? What a coward.

Glad your boyfriend has dumped him. He sounds like a total tool.

rollonthesummer · 08/08/2017 10:08

What are the views of your DP's friends on this bloke?! Presumably they have rung your DP to tell him Dave has been in touch?

Emboo19 · 08/08/2017 10:30

He's already spoke to the one I'd say is his best friend roll (do guys do best friends?)
He's the one I was talking to that night and he's been getting fed up of Dave anyway. He doesn't want everyone to stop talking to him or anything. But the ones he's mentioned it to agree he's just getting too much, and my bf has done the right thing.

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Elephant17 · 08/08/2017 15:06

Eurgh, what is wrong with some people?

I have a friend who is who is notorious for being inappropriate and making awkward crass jokes, but he is our friend and we all get on really well (plus he is most def not a ukip/trump supporter which of course helps), he comes out with some ridiculous lines sometimes but it's not offensive because he's my friend and we all know it doesn't come from a bad place, he's just got a strange sense of humour/is a little socially inept!

The idiot you're talking about is not your friend and will know this due to previous times you've had it out with him. You don't make 'jokes' like that with someone unless the situation between you both is totally confortable. And even then, not even my inappropriate mate would come out with the shit you mentioned above- what he posted on your bf's bro's photo of him and your daughter is totally vile and weird.

I hate these long term 'friends' people let get away with murder because everyone is scared of rocking the boat.

He's a nasty bit of work!

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 08/08/2017 16:05

It's about time Dave was dumped by the guys. He really did cross a line with the pictures and texting to your Dh. That was plain and simple trying to cause trouble, not even close to a joke. Serves him right, nasty creep that he is.

Emboo19 · 08/08/2017 19:19

I think that's what confused me a bit Elephant I kept thinking if it was someone else would I have been bothered, but no one else would behave like him! I'm pretty easy going normally and have a laugh and a joke with my bf's other friends.

I think that may well happen Troels.

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MsGameandWatching · 08/08/2017 19:26

I wouldn't talk to him. I would ignore him completely. If he addressed me I would say firmly "go away Dave, I don't like you, you know why, don't talk to me again". I've handled a similar situation in that way and he couldn't stand it. So desperately trying to get me to like him and communicate with him again. I never did.

RebootYourEngine · 08/08/2017 19:53

Please keep your wits about you. I can see this getting nasty.

Now that dave has been dumped by your bf i can see him wanting to get revenge so could ramp up the stalking and crap to try and break you and bf up.

Emboo19 · 09/08/2017 08:08

I did think about that Reboot luckily he has absolutely no credibility. I'm fully expecting some kind of confession from him about something one of us as supposedly done though.
And I'm glad my boyfriend isn't working away this week so I'm not home alone!

OP posts:
Bluepansies · 09/08/2017 08:19

I would ask him, publicly, via instagram comments or whatever, why he's so obsessed with you?

Emboo19 · 09/08/2017 20:51

Actually saw dickhead Dave this afternoon, while I was out with my mum and DD. He couldn't even look at me and quickly turned and went off in the opposite direction.

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HopefullyAnonymous · 09/08/2017 21:25

Is Dave's real name Richard? He sounds just like someone I know.

I would say that he's obsessed with you, and doing anything he can to make you look bad whilst still appearing to be DPs "friend". It is the sort of behaviour that can escalate though, and if it were me I would now be keeping a record.

WaspsAreBastards · 09/08/2017 21:33

What a fucking dobber. I agree with HopefullyAnonymous about keeping a record of it.

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