Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he wants to cause trouble?

100 replies

Emboo19 · 06/08/2017 14:20

Firstly I really don't like this person, so I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into it.

It goes a way back, but I'll try to include the relevant information without being too long. My bf has 3 good friends all known each other from primary and then there's a larger group of friends whom they've met at high school through football etc. One of the 3, let's call him Dave, is the problem. I don't like him, (think stereotypical ukip/trump supporting wanker) never have even before going out with my bf and he's not well liked by the majority in the group, other than my bf and the others from primary school. The rest of them are really nice guys (none share his opinions) and I don't get why they're friends with him, but for some reason they are and they tend to excuse his twatish behaviour as 'it's just what he's like' 'he doesn't mean it'.

He was pretty horrible when I was pregnant with something he said (although he denies he meant it the way I took it). My boyfriend had words with him, he apologised and my boyfriend reduced contact with him.

Now to recent, we've had a few nights out where Dave's been and he's been making his comments and digs again (my bf does always pull him up on them).
Then Friday I went out with friends, my boyfriend is away on a stag do with work friends. His brother who I'm good friends with babysat for our dd.
I saw a few of bf's friends out (Dave included) and was chatting to one who I get on really well with, he'd bought me and my friend a drink, Dave came over and asked 'where the kid was' (never calls her by name) made some comment regarding where my bf was and how hot the girls are there, and said me and the friend looked very cosy. This is the kind of thing he does/says.

Yesterday morning I see a photo my bf's brother put on instagram of him with his niece (my dd) saying babysitting, best uncle kind of thing and tagged their other brother and me, Dave had commented saying 'odd you only babysit when J's away, wonder what you get for that'. Boyfriends brother replied 'fuck off' which he followed with a 'only joking, why you being so sensitive' which is his usual response. I then had a message from a friend who'd seen he'd put a picture on snap chat of me talking to the other friend with some 'while the cats away comment' this would have probably gone to all that group of friends and my bf.
I've only briefly spoken to bf as he's still away and he's said he'll talk to him.
But I know he's going to just say it was a joke and I think it's going to get brushed aside again. I don't think it's just a joke though and although I know my bf trust me I don't want other people thinking there's any truth in it.

Sorry it's long and real school yard stuff! But AIBU, if I say enoughs, enough and that I don't want my bf to be friends with him anymore.

OP posts:
CockacidalManiac · 06/08/2017 18:12

I'd certainly block him on FB; it sends him a clear message that you can't stand him, and he can't tag you in anything.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 06/08/2017 19:02

I definitely don't think he sees me as vulnerable InvisibleCities we clashed from the beginning as I wouldn't listen to his crap. My bf doesn't do the 'she won't let me out' or anything, but DD has obviously reduced the time we both go out. He still sees his friends plenty though.

I really don't think the kindness thing would work and I don't think I could do it!

Others do pull him on it Billben he's even been hit before now by one of the extended group of friends.

That's what I've basically been doing SaveMeBarry on Friday he asked where the kid was, I ignored him the friend I was talking to said, there such a thing as babysitters you know. Then he went on asking about J and if he was having a good time etc, I just nodded and made hum noises, he made his comments about the hot girls, friend pulled him on that and he laughed and said 'she knows I'm joking'. I just looked away and then he said 'I'll go then seen as you two were looking so cosy before I came over'.

Now we've got our own place we've had a few BBQ's and friends round for dinner, he's not invited to our home, even when bf had some mates round when I was out he wasn't invited. He knows as well, he apparently said to another friend it's just me being funny over that pregnancy comment I mis understood.

He's already blocked on all my social media.

He'll maintain both of these incidents were to wind up the friend and my bf's brother and nothing to do with me.

I know I can't tell my boyfriend who he can be friends with and I don't want to have to. But I'm sick of it and he needs to do something.

OP posts:
LoyaltyAndLobster · 06/08/2017 19:06

YANBU

Happytobefree17 · 06/08/2017 19:11

Totally get how you feel OP. I have been in a very similar situation.

Unfortunately for as long as your DP doesn't see how crappy his friend is, you'll end up being the bad guy for even having a problem with the twat.

You have my sympathy.

Iluvthe80s · 06/08/2017 19:18

he sounds like a total bell-end!

FlumpingFiona · 06/08/2017 19:26

This "type" is fairly common - being obsessed with manipulating others and goading others into appearing "emotional". The trouble is, the classier you behave, the more it winds them out. There is something weird and broken within people like this.

Unfortunately, there's nothing substantial you can do about it whilst your DP chooses to have him in his social life. I'd try and detach from the social scene he's in as much as possible ?

Original poster
Emboo19 · 06/08/2017 19:32

That's the annoying thing Happy I see my boyfriend cringe at the things he says, his views and ideas are so different to his and the other friends.
I just don't get why they have anything to do with him!

My boyfriend is on his way home from the airport so I'll speak to him when he gets in. I've not really seen him for a week either with him working away and then the stag do, the last thing I wanted was to be shouting at him when he walks through the door.

He is Iluvthe80s I wish his real name was Dave as dickhead Dave suits him perfectly (no offence to any Dave's, who aren't dickheads)

OP posts:
Happytobefree17 · 06/08/2017 22:53

The trouble is, when you've known someone for practically your whole life, you become attached. Despite them being a twat.

I think unless you break up, you're going to have to put up with his twat friend. Sorry. I feel your pain.

Madwoman5 · 06/08/2017 23:00

Sounds like he is jealous. A joke is only a joke if someone is laughing....other than him. Dickhead. Tempting to put " stalking again Dave? Getting really boring now". On his fb post

Original poster
Emboo19 · 07/08/2017 08:06

I know if I stamp my feet and give him a ultimatum that it's me or Dave, he's choose me Happy well he'd better bloody do. I don't want to do that though, well I do but I won't!

We spoke last night, briefly as poor bf was tired and hungover Hmm. He said he's sorry I'm upset, he knows Dave is being a dickhead and he'll sort it. But no explanation as to how he'll sort it.
He showed me his phone and dickhead Dave, had actually sent him a text of the photo saying, she doesn't look like she's missing you. Then Saturday morning he's sent a photo of his brothers car parked outside our house, asking him why his brother was at his. He knew he was babysitting the night before and he lives a good 20 minutes drive away from us.
It can't just be me who thinks that's creepy shit, can it?

I don't think my boyfriend sees it as a big deal though. It doesn't make him doubt me and he thinks he's just doing it as a lads thing to wind him and the other guys up, not to bother me. Which maybe it is, but I'm not happy that he's involving me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 07/08/2017 08:08

*He'd not he's

And Dave lives 20 minutes drive away, not bf's brother. So he's purposely drove past our house, I'm sure.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 07/08/2017 08:19

Dave is jealous and resentful and has no idea why he can't hold down a lasting relationship of any kind.

Dave can't accept the general consensus is that he is a dick.

Dave is a virgin. This is unlikely to change.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 07/08/2017 08:31

Unfortunately justilou1 I know the last on the list isn't true 🤢

I think the others are though. He's very much a its everyone else's fault type of person, if that make sense.
He's always been a dick, but he's got worse to me since I got pregnant and I think it's probably because it's made him realises his mates are all going to move on and leave him behind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 07/08/2017 08:32

And I don't know because I've been there 🤢🤢🤢🤢 just realised as I posted how that sounds!!

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 07/08/2017 08:33

God what a twat. I think you need to be really clear with your dp about what you expect him to do about it.

RiotAndAlarum · 07/08/2017 08:38

If Dave were a woman, he'd be recognised as a shit-stirring bitch.

It's time to discredit him, making sure everyone sees him as both sly AND malicious. Those interpretations are important, to ensure that no matter what he says, people won't believe it AND will be looking for the bitchy sting. People like that are just too much hard work, and he'll be less and less welcome.

Macncheesewithbacon · 07/08/2017 08:39

your by needs to stick up for you and tell him to stop or the friendship is over - it's horrible that he's constantly picking on you

Macncheesewithbacon · 07/08/2017 08:39

*bf

TheEgregiousPeach · 07/08/2017 09:04

Dave is no real friend to your boyfriend. I'd point out to bf that real friends don't treat each other like that- Dave is a shit stirrer. Next time you see him give him a wooden spoon.
But seriously OP, next time you're out and he makes daft comments just look at him. Say nothing and maintain eye contact. Makes people very uncomfortable and they rush to fill the silence ( usually saying more bollocks). Still say nothing and just let him make a twat out of himself publicly. But stil maintaining eye contact.Works for me with tossers. They generally just sidle off muttering because you won't play their game and that takes all their power away and gives it back to you.
Referring to your DC as 'the kid' though- what an arse

Original poster
Emboo19 · 07/08/2017 09:11

I'm not sure what exactly I want him to do Lj8893 or what he can do! After the coments when I was pregnant, my boyfriend did really have a go at him. I wasn't there but another friend was and his girlfriend told me, it all got quite heated. My boyfriend did then cut down on contact with him. He was quite for a while and I didn't really see much of him, but he seems to have started it up again a few months back with the latest things been the most obvious.

He's not really liked Riot I think he's only accepted because my boyfriend and one of the others are really popular, him and the 4th not so much although the other guy is nice enough. After the earlier comment I wouldn't go if he was there and he was uninvited from a few events, but ones where we had to book, races, gigs, night away kind of stuff. It's not a huge town so avoiding him on a general night out is difficult even if he wasn't invited as such.

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 07/08/2017 09:17

He sounds like an utter twat!

CockacidalManiac · 07/08/2017 09:19

He's crossed the line from twat to stalker.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 07/08/2017 09:25

Oh and one other thing I find really weird!! There's no stories about him, I've been with my bf almost 4 years and knew him a few before that and I'm really good friends with his brother who's know all of them his whole life, pretty much. And all of them have some embarrassing stories, stuff their mates laugh about, generally relating to their teen years and first getting drunk etc! I've heard stuff about all of them, except Dave. But I can't believe he hasn't done anything worthy of the others having a laugh at.

Sorry that's just me ranting, but it's always bugged me.

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 07/08/2017 09:29

Your 8.06 post this morning sounds as though this 'Dave' is stalking you. I am reading this right arnt I?

If that is the case then it is very likely that 'Dave' has escalated his behaviour towards you and he may keep ramping this abuse up.

I would take these warning bells very seriously. Make sure that you have screen shot all of his shitty behaviour towards you and email them to yourself, you may need this paper trail at some point in the future if he continues on this trajectory and you need to go to the police.

rollonthesummer · 07/08/2017 09:42

How old is Dave? He sounds about 17. It also sounds like he's trying to split you up. I would start referring to him as 'Dave the wanker' and try to find out from your DP exactly why they are still friends?!