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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he wants to cause trouble?

100 replies

Emboo19 · 06/08/2017 14:20

Firstly I really don't like this person, so I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into it.

It goes a way back, but I'll try to include the relevant information without being too long. My bf has 3 good friends all known each other from primary and then there's a larger group of friends whom they've met at high school through football etc. One of the 3, let's call him Dave, is the problem. I don't like him, (think stereotypical ukip/trump supporting wanker) never have even before going out with my bf and he's not well liked by the majority in the group, other than my bf and the others from primary school. The rest of them are really nice guys (none share his opinions) and I don't get why they're friends with him, but for some reason they are and they tend to excuse his twatish behaviour as 'it's just what he's like' 'he doesn't mean it'.

He was pretty horrible when I was pregnant with something he said (although he denies he meant it the way I took it). My boyfriend had words with him, he apologised and my boyfriend reduced contact with him.

Now to recent, we've had a few nights out where Dave's been and he's been making his comments and digs again (my bf does always pull him up on them).
Then Friday I went out with friends, my boyfriend is away on a stag do with work friends. His brother who I'm good friends with babysat for our dd.
I saw a few of bf's friends out (Dave included) and was chatting to one who I get on really well with, he'd bought me and my friend a drink, Dave came over and asked 'where the kid was' (never calls her by name) made some comment regarding where my bf was and how hot the girls are there, and said me and the friend looked very cosy. This is the kind of thing he does/says.

Yesterday morning I see a photo my bf's brother put on instagram of him with his niece (my dd) saying babysitting, best uncle kind of thing and tagged their other brother and me, Dave had commented saying 'odd you only babysit when J's away, wonder what you get for that'. Boyfriends brother replied 'fuck off' which he followed with a 'only joking, why you being so sensitive' which is his usual response. I then had a message from a friend who'd seen he'd put a picture on snap chat of me talking to the other friend with some 'while the cats away comment' this would have probably gone to all that group of friends and my bf.
I've only briefly spoken to bf as he's still away and he's said he'll talk to him.
But I know he's going to just say it was a joke and I think it's going to get brushed aside again. I don't think it's just a joke though and although I know my bf trust me I don't want other people thinking there's any truth in it.

Sorry it's long and real school yard stuff! But AIBU, if I say enoughs, enough and that I don't want my bf to be friends with him anymore.

OP posts:

BewareOfDragons · 06/08/2017 16:15

He sounds vile.

"Ah, there goes Dave again. No wonder he's still single."

Ginkypig · 06/08/2017 16:17

He's bullying you, if this was him and you at school your parents would be marching into the heads office.

If it were me I'd be telling my dp that he sorts it out once and for all or you will and he won't like the outcome or the potential of becoming single because I won't be in a relationship with someone who allows his friend/family etc to treat his partner that way.

Oldraver · 06/08/2017 16:19

'So...who's pigtails are you pulling ? Mine or B/F's ?

But he may not be bright enough to understand

DJBaggySmalls · 06/08/2017 16:20

What do his friends see in him, and how bad does his behaviour have to get before they ditch him?

user1498911589 · 06/08/2017 16:21

Bet his real name is Steve. I knew an utter cunt once called Steve and this is exactly the sort of thing he would do.

No, it's definitely Dave. Or David - I know a David just like the person in the OP.

NormaSmuff · 06/08/2017 16:24

he lurves you

RebootYourEngine · 06/08/2017 16:24

He seems to have a bit of an obsession with you.

Sunshinegirls · 06/08/2017 16:25

He's a childish boorish twat and yes he is definitely trying to cause trouble. I would cease contact with him and ignore him from now on, he's a dangerous guy. The sort that conjures a bit of smoke to try and start a fire. If you see him out and about pretend he's invisible and if you must acknowledge him let him know that you have zero interest in his existence.

CandleWithHair · 06/08/2017 16:26

Post what geekone said!

Dave sounds like a sad loser. Time for your BF to cut him loose I think.

Allthewaves · 06/08/2017 16:28

ignore - so not worth giving him any attention

CockacidalManiac · 06/08/2017 16:30

He's a proper 'Archbishop of Banterbury', isn't he?
I wonder what he's got on the others to make them tolerate him.

NormaSmuff · 06/08/2017 16:31

i bet he is a pussy cat on his own

Original poster

Emboo19 · 06/08/2017 16:33

I don't think it's that he fancies me. He's a ogler, but that's of almost all women, he tends to prefer bustier and blonder! Not that I'm unattractive, I'm way out of his league but then the whole of the female population is! But he prefers more obviously attractive women, pg 3 style. But it could well all be a act and it's my bf he really fancies, what do they say when someone protests too much!

I'm not sure what he wants Somerford I wonder if it's jealousy over my bf, he seems to look up to him but then he's competitive with him too.
He's gotten worse since DD, like he knows that we're settling down now.

Ha! He's not a Steve or a real Dave, sad that there's more of these men out there though.

OP posts:

SquatBetty · 06/08/2017 16:37

Urgh what a pathetic cunt. He definitely fancies you. I've seen this behaviour before several times over the years (and been on the receiving end of it). Best thing you can do is ignore and avoid. Difficult I know if he's deliberately seeking you out though.

InvisibleCities · 06/08/2017 16:38

OK, so -
he either finds you sexually attractive and hates you for it;
finds you sexually attractive and thinks that implying you are a slut will make you want to fuck him (works on pornhub...);
sees you as vulnerable and a good bullying target;
fancies your BF and is angry that you have him.
Another possibility is that your DH is one of those men who blame things he doesn't want to do on you - "Can't go out, the ball and chain is making me go to her Mums..." Or maybe he used to spend a lot of time with him, and sees you as the Yoko getting in between them.

The reason doesn't really matter too much, the problem is that he's using dehumanizing language to you (even about your child), and his comments and messages are misogynistic, and alarming. He doesn't appear to have any respect for you, and your DH shouldn't just "have a word" with him, he needs to cut contact. Ask him to tell you truthfully why he is friends with a man who interacts with you like you're both in the beginning scene of a Brazzers video?

Getoutofthatgarden · 06/08/2017 16:39

Time to stop going out drinking then

You are a fu#>g muppet, swear to god, get a life.

Original poster

Emboo19 · 06/08/2017 16:42

I've asked that CockacidalManiac! All I get is that they've been friends since they were 4 years old and he's not had the easiest of times. I think they feel sorry for him!

OP posts:

SisterhoodisPowerful · 06/08/2017 16:43

I'm with GunkyPig. Your DH should be dealing with him. And making it very clear that this is a red line kind of situation.

NormaSmuff · 06/08/2017 16:46

I bet he would back off if you could bring yourself to be really nice to him

NormaSmuff · 06/08/2017 16:47

He would feel vulnerable then

emilybrontescorset · 06/08/2017 16:51

Difficult.
Block him from everything fb etc and ask your bf to do the same.
If he approaches you again can you cut him cold so one word answers only. If he says anything such as why are you being off hand, casually take a sip from your drink and look at him blankly, as if he is of no consequence whatsoever.
He sounds incredibly irritating and if I were you i would tell your bf that you won't be striking up any more conversations with him , ever, and if he does try and speak to you, you will be civil but nothing else.

InvisibleCities · 06/08/2017 16:52

I bet he would back off if you could bring yourself to be really nice to him

I don't think the kill them with kindness tactic works on men like him. More likely he'll think she is flirting with him, or at least will decide he has enough wiggle room to tell that to people.

I think she and her DH need to cut him off. Not having had the "easiest of times" is not an excuse for him to act like a hateful knobhead towards you.

Billben · 06/08/2017 17:10

Your other friends need to start pulling him up for stuff like this. He won't have an audience then and will hopefully bore off. Can't stand people like him.

SaveMeBarry · 06/08/2017 17:15

As others have said you can't make your DP stop being friends with him unfortunately . You can however put your own boundaries in place. Make sure DP fully understands that you want to minimise any potential for him to be around you i.e. Dickhead Dave isn't welcome in your home and that if you're socialising you won't be putting up with any crap from the guy just because DP is happy to let it go.

He is not your friend and can't possibly be under any illusion that you like him (either as a person or potential partner!) so you have zero obligation to even engage with him. You can't avoid him completely if you all regularly socialise in a large group but every time he approaches you walk away. If he comes up to you in the pub cut him dead, don't chat with him, just go silent. He's an areshole who has been rude to you and shit stirred in an effort to damage your relationship so don't bother being polite as he doesn't deserve it. He might gradually realise that being an arsehole has repercussions but I wouldn't hold my breath...

Bluetrews25 · 06/08/2017 17:26

Dave needs to learn that it's only a joke if someone other than you finds it funny.

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