AIBU not to reply to my friends DP messages

[Chocolatteandbiscuits]

The messages are nothing sexual/flirty but I feel it's a bit odd. She's been with him about 3 years now. The way their relationship begun weren't under the best circumstances. He was still living with his ex and I have a feeling he cheated on his ex with my friend but she's never confirmed.
Anyway from about Dec last year he has sent me messages asking how me and my son are, if I'm going to be doing the gym class, if me and my son want to come for tea, asking how me and my new DP were getting on. I've been polite back but haven't engaged in conversation with him. This all looks friendly and I admit it doesn't look like anything but the thing I find strange is when I do go there he doesn't talk to me much and just hoovers around. She once sent me her month shift pattern so we could work out a time to meet and he text me when she was on nights. He admitted he didn't have hardly any friends so I think is he just being friendly? My friend has not mentioned anything about messages and I have been thinking about dropping in conversation oh ....... has mentioned the gym we go to is closing. So she knows that I'm being open. Thing is she's distanced herself from me recently for no reason. Has she seen he's been messaging me and got annoyed? Like I said I don't really engage though so I can't see why.

Do you think this is normal behaviour and WIBU to mention it in a conversation briefly? Sorry about the long post didn't want to drip feed

Don't overthink it.

If you don't want to respond, don't respond. It's not your duty to be polite.

It's weird.
He's got his feelers out. Watch him.

I could have written the first part of your post - I ignored my friends DP when he privately messaged me. Even though he was only being friendly it did make me feel a bit wary. IF I did reply I'd make sure it was very friendly and with nothing that could have been 'misunderstood' or mistaken for anything else.

As it turns out, he's been messaging other women inappropriately and they've now split up.

He's definitely trying it on with you. Everything you've written screams that he is dodgy ("asking how me and my new DP were getting on" ?!) and whether she's seen the messages or maybe has just picked up a vibe that he likes you (maybe he's got mentionistis about you, or his apparent coolness when he actually sees you feels odd to her) I think she is keeping you at arm's length because of him.

I would drop it in so she knows and so she can see you're open about it. She may be watching and waiting so not saying anything.

Agree ^

I admit it doesn't look like anything

It looks exactly like what it is! He is testing the waters. This is him laying the foundations of at very least an emotional affair. He is probably hoping for some sexting and nude pics.

Yeah, go with your gut instinct on this one - he sounds dodgy.
If he needs friends, why doesn't he message your other half, not you? It's weird that he's texting you while she's on nights, and bad.

Perhaps she is distancing herself after seeing his messages to you and is wondering why you have not spoken to her about it, therefore is wary of you. Definitely speak to her.

Block him and tell her that he's been messging and that you find it a bit weird so have blocked him. Definitely a bit odd.

Or maybe he's just being friendly in an awkward way? My friend's DP used to text me bits of stuff. Cat videos or articles he thought I'd like. He didn't necessarily consult her or tell her what I'd said. No interest outside just being friendly. No contact at all since they split. Maybe he texts you when she's out because that's the time he feels lonely and he's just going through the available numbers in his phone?

Thing is she's distanced herself from me recently for no reason. Has she seen he's been messaging me and got annoyed? Like I said I don't really engage though so I can't see why.

I may be way off beam here, but is it possible she's a bit hacked off that you're effectively ignoring her DP?

My friend's DH will sometimes text me to say "Fancy a drink on Sunday?". While the MN jury would all say he was trying it on, I know full well that he means "Nat, do you, your DH and your DCs fancy meeting me in the pub with my DW (my friend) and our DCs?" He just doesn't delegate all the family arrangements to my friend. So if I were to ignore him on a regular basis, I'd imagine my friend would feel I'd been pretty rude and a bit off with them.

Block him before he takes the next step. .
My friend's dh sent me a dick pic for my birthday after he had started texting me 'innocently' .
I found reasons to avoid her after that until the friendship faded out. .

I'm not sure how you can be polite back but not engage in conversation with him - it's either one or the other.

I'd start ignoring his messages altogether. If he doesn't discuss them in public then he can't exactly question you about it. If pushed you can always say that you aren't picking up your FB messages as much or have been really busy. If it's an invitation for you and your son, then send your response to her and him as if it was indeed a joint invite.

I'm not sure talking to her about it will help - she'll probably feel obliged to blame you.

Oh dear maybe he is, I was hoping I was just being silly in thinking it was odd.
natalia im now not with anyone so technically single. This message was about last Dec when I first was with exDP sorry I didnt make that clear. He asked me and DS round for tea last year before I met exDP. My friend was aware he messaged me then because he said to ask her when to come over. Was strange that night though because apparently he was so excited to see my DS but when we were there he didn't really pay much interest.
She's going through a bit of a hard time atm and has been forced into the menopause due to health reasons ( we are late 20s) so it's unsure weather she can have kids or not. So I really don't think he should be messaging me and focus his time on my friend.

Then I think just ignoring his messages unless they are specific invites is definitely the way to go. It may be entirely innocent, but best not to take the chance.

1. The thing about sharing her shift pattern and messaging when she's on nights is obviously him trying to set up some private time with you - paving the way to cheat.
2. She may find it hard to be around your DS is she's having fertility problems, OR she's aware of what he's doing.
3. If it's because of him, instead of getting angry at him and acknowledging that he's a serial cheat, she's freezing you out in the hope that it will somehow make him loyal and trustworthy.

I think that next time he messages you should be blunt. Tell him you're not comfortable with this, and that as she's having such a hard time he should be looking for ways to support her, not messaging her friends.

Mention it to her if you can, but she may not react how you want.

The thing is why on earth would he think I'd flirt/message him like that and go behind my friends back. He must be crazy to think I'd even consider it! I've been friends with her a very long time and he knows that.
If I'm honest I've never been a huge fan.
What I meant was I'm polite so ill say hi yes we are fine thanks but won't ask questions to carry on the conversation. Then if he messages and I ignore he sometimes has double messaged me about something else. It's not very frequent but like another poster said maybe he's dipping his foot In to see what response he gets I don't know.
She's changed a lot since being with him. Just a bit sad really :(

It reads to me he's pushi ng the boundaries bit by bit.Id block him to be honest, it all Ali d's a bit surprised.

All sounds not Ali d who ever he I.

What do i say if he tells her ive blocked him and she asks me? I just dont want things to get awkward between me and her all because of him. Im seeing her on thursday so i may just casually drop it into conversation about something he mentioned eg the gym closing but not dwell on it to make it a big thing. Then she will know if she doesnt already.

Ignore him , it's weird especially as he Ignores you when you are there

My friends DP does this sometimes I don't like it

He won't tell her if you block him I can guarantee it

But it's already making things awkward between you and her because she's distancing herself from you.

I'd block him and then when you see her on Thurs, just say, "I've temporarily blocked [annoying bloke] on social media because I find it odd and want to make it clear I did not instigate or encourage it"

Just ignore it. Don't respond. If she asks (which is quite unlikely)just say - oh yeah, he did message me but I didn't want to respond, my friendship is with you, not him.