Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to reply to my friends DP messages

58 replies

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 06/08/2017 11:30

The messages are nothing sexual/flirty but I feel it's a bit odd. She's been with him about 3 years now. The way their relationship begun weren't under the best circumstances. He was still living with his ex and I have a feeling he cheated on his ex with my friend but she's never confirmed.
Anyway from about Dec last year he has sent me messages asking how me and my son are, if I'm going to be doing the gym class, if me and my son want to come for tea, asking how me and my new DP were getting on. I've been polite back but haven't engaged in conversation with him. This all looks friendly and I admit it doesn't look like anything but the thing I find strange is when I do go there he doesn't talk to me much and just hoovers around. She once sent me her month shift pattern so we could work out a time to meet and he text me when she was on nights. He admitted he didn't have hardly any friends so I think is he just being friendly? My friend has not mentioned anything about messages and I have been thinking about dropping in conversation oh ....... has mentioned the gym we go to is closing. So she knows that I'm being open. Thing is she's distanced herself from me recently for no reason. Has she seen he's been messaging me and got annoyed? Like I said I don't really engage though so I can't see why.

Do you think this is normal behaviour and WIBU to mention it in a conversation briefly? Sorry about the long post didn't want to drip feed

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 06/08/2017 18:36

Oh - ok, sorry *Chocolateandbiscuits". Obviously a different sort of situation from the one I envisaged. I can see why you are finding it tricky to navigate.

BirdBandit · 06/08/2017 18:44

If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then always reply as a group message, including your friend. You can include direct questions to her in the texts, to make it feel less like you are grassing him in, make it a group conversation.

That way, if it is a nothing, then no harm done. If it is him sending out feelers then it'll cock block him, and importantly protect your reputation and friendship with his wife, because I bet you are not the only woman he is texting and he will get caught.

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 06/08/2017 20:00

stop also on "girls nights" he sits with us in the corner just listening and not contributing it's really awkward. I don't get why my friend doesn't find that strange.
Yea I guess so squeegle not sure if being that blunt with make things worse though?
So bird you think the next time he messages me I should copy my friend into the reply and include her in the convo?

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/08/2017 22:32

You either block him (and mark my words he won't say anything ) as if he did / you're friend would rightly ask 'why are you texting my Mate !'

I think cc her in could open a can of worms

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/08/2017 22:33

And sit and wait as he sounds weird and this shall eventually implode / it always does he will be text lurking other women

Hygge · 06/08/2017 22:53

If your instinct is to feel uncomfortable about these messages then you should trust it.

A number of years ago my SIL's boyfriend started sending me similar messages. My DH was away, and the messages always came when I knew SIL was out at work. He'd shown no previous interest in keeping in touch and eventually he asked me in person to visit on a night I knew she was working nights.

I said that I didn't think it was a good idea as SIL wouldn't be home. He replied that SIL not being home was the point.

He was so completely confident that I would go. But when I told him there was no chance he got very sneery and said that he didn't care, and that I could tell SIL if I liked because she wouldn't believe me. I said SIL might not, but DH definitely would.

His face dropped a mile. I think he'd genuinely forgotten I was married to his girlfriend's brother.

Turns out he'd done this to a few of her friends, it all came out when they eventually split up. He had another family living miles away as well, but that's a whole other thread topic.

It was just something odd about him, I didn't like it, it didn't feel right, and eventually it was proved that my feelings were right.

I message back and forth with another friend's husband all the time. I speak to her on the phone, but message him. She prefers to speak on the phone, he prefers messages. If we've got time for a long chat we ring each other, if it's just something short I message him or he messages me or my DH. It's completely different, a different feeling to the one I got from SIL's boyfriend.

When you feel that something is a bit off, it usually is. Women don't tend to trust their instincts enough so go with yours if your really feel it's not right for you.

If his messages make you feel uncomfortable that's good enough for you to ignore him and not reply. I would agree with the idea of mentioning to her that he sent you a message. Maybe something like "Oh, I got X's message about the thing, can you tell him thanks" or something like that?

BirdBandit · 07/08/2017 09:20

Chocolate, yes that us exactly what I think you should do, you need to protect yourself, or you could end up being seen as the bad guy here.

Mrscropley · 07/08/2017 11:50

I would guess he hoped you would cross a line so he had a reason to make her drop the friendship. .
Insecure prick. .

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 07/08/2017 15:37

Hygge wow what an absolute idiot!! Thank god she found out about him! How can these people do things like that!

These are a few of the messages just so you can get the context, just incase im being silly.

"Hey, How are you and ...... (My DS)?
How is new bf? Good to see you happy x"

"You braving HIIT class tomorrow? Nice work 🖒 x"

"Did you hear .... (our gym) is closing down? Has your friend got a new place to do her ballet class? x"

Mrs do you think he is trying to split our friendship up on purpose? They literally do everything together.

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 07/08/2017 15:42

If I were you I would just not reply to any of his messages. Surely then they would stop and job done.

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 07/08/2017 15:57

sea im ignoring him now but it's weather I should drop into conversation about it to my friend as I don't want her to get annoyed if she sees he's messaging me and I didn't tell her. Or should I just leave him to it? She has just sold her house she owns to buy a house together with him. Poor her :( I don't think he is a good guy really.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 07/08/2017 19:57

The kisses are SO inappropriate! Definitely just delete and ignore them.

Squeegle · 07/08/2017 19:58

I wouldn't mention them to her. Shoot the messenger and all that. I suspect there are other things he will do wrong.

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 08/08/2017 08:15

squeegle yea I think they are too. No doubt somewhere down the line she will find out he's an idiot

OP posts:
Chocolatteandbiscuits · 08/08/2017 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdchangedname · 08/08/2017 08:29

Set up a group message (WhatsApp?) And say "hi guys, sorry I didn't reply earlier to Xs text, I keep mussing them! Let's use WhatsApp it is easier for me. X was asking me about the HIIT, honestly I am not brave, just love it! (Or whatever you would say) And the gym? (Answer his question) you also asked me about ballet, (your answer). You guys must think I am so rude, sorry if you think I ignored all your messages!

If you do this, you protect yourself, send all the info to his DH so she can be put on alert, and cock block him.
Good luck!

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 08/08/2017 08:36

Thanks bird but I don't have his number. He's messaging through Facebook. Those messages above were from months ago. The most recent was prob about 2 weeks ago which I ignored. It asked how my DS was as I'd put on my status he had been ill due to his injections.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 08/08/2017 08:37

I would be cautious as well. If he had been a friend of yours in his own right, not a problem. Howver, as he is you friend's partner, then slightly odd.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/08/2017 08:43

I agree, he is looking to cheat on her, and sending out feelers. Ignore him, but do let her know what hes doing.

Birdchangedname · 08/08/2017 09:00

Use FB messenger, you can do group messages on that. If you can't do that then brilliant, thgat gives you a great excuse to reply to his questions by text to his gf, your friend. You can say you don't always see the messages on fb, and you didn't want to seem rude. Job done!

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 08/08/2017 17:13

I'm actually really angry at him! I mean I think he cheated on his ex with my friend so obviously that's the kind of guy he is. But to try talk to your gf close friend. What a dick!! Excuse my language!

OP posts:
Squeegle · 09/08/2017 06:50

I actually think that anger is the right reaction. He's put you in an awkward position and you should rightfully be annoyed with him. I suspect his gf will find out he's not right for her in time...

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 10/08/2017 12:10

update I am suppose to be seeing my friend today. We have been texting arranging a time. She text back saying we are in the city getting holiday bits I'll text you when we are done. Bit annoyed she's gone into the city when she knew we were seeing her today and I've got to sit and wait for her but her bf is going to be with her! Brilliant! It's like they can't be apart!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 10/08/2017 16:05

Chocolate I;d either ignore him totally, or I;d message back and say "Actually I find getting texts off you a bit uncomfortable, I'm best friends with your dp but I don't really know you so I'd rather you did not message me." If he said anything "I'd just repeat it. I'm not really interested in make new friends etc."

That sounds really blunt and rude to me but to be honest I'd say it becasue it is truye and you suspect him of having ulterior motives which if you do state them to your friend, or to him, especailyl by text, my cause a rift wiht your friend

"She's going through a bit of a hard time atm and has been forced into the menopause due to health reasons ( we are late 20s) so it's unsure weather she can have kids or not. So I really don't think he should be messaging me and focus his time on my friend."

That's really hard. He should 100% be confusing on her, the fact he is not is very suspicious. Can you subtly draw your friends attention to the fact that she needs to think her fertility future through very carefully now, could she egg freeze? If this man is not the one to have a baby with then why is she with him (if that is what she wants)? If she does want a baby with him is she pursing it?

Italiangreyhound · 10/08/2017 16:07

concentrating on her not confusing her!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.