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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry that there is too much of am age gap to have more kids?

101 replies

alwaystiredneversleeping · 06/08/2017 10:53

I had my first 2 children very young. They are now 12 and 15, I am not with their father and got married to my long term partner last year.

We decided last year that we want to try for a baby, I have some fertility issues/health issues so it may never happen for us but we have been hopeful and after years of uni/job changes/family issues etc.. we decided the time was right after we married.

That was until a few nights ago, my 12 year old was really poorly as in vomitting and pooping at the same time, up every 60-90 minutes to help him to bathroom, shower, back to bed etc...

It's taken me 3 days to recover! Luckily I am off work for the week due to school hols.

I am now worried I will never cope with the exhaustion that comes with a new baby! Am I just being silly or is it going to be really difficult adjusting after 12 years? I have trouble sleeping as it it is due to pain and the other night really knocked me.

Has anyone had big age gaps? How did you cope with the adjustment?

OP posts:
MrsPorth · 06/08/2017 17:58

32 is not too old. Not at all.

Your chiikden are now at the age where you don't have to worry about after-school or daytime childcare. In a couple of years' time, you could be out overnight. A baby would obviously complicate that, you'd have limited freedom to enjoy your social life and career. However, only you can say whether a third DC would be worth that sacrifice. Or whether you'd regard it as a sacrifice at all.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 06/08/2017 18:22

I had dd when my dses were 10 and (just) 8. All with same dh. She's nearly 2 now. The pregnancy was semi-planned but after recurrent mc we had pretty much given up hope and I didn't expect the pregnancy with her to work. When it became obvious she was sticking around I rather paradoxically panicked and spent a lot of the pregnancy wondering what the fuck I had done.

The older two ADORE her. So do we, obviously. It is hard work, but tbh I always think I could never, ever have managed three close together as many people seem to (we didn't start trying for her until no. 2 was 4.5), and this is easier. I didn't find going back to the baby stage a shock as such, and any hankering after lost freedom is restricted to the odd wistful moment. And I say that despite her being an even worse sleeper than the other two, if that's possible.

I do, beyond a shadow of a doubt, know that I'm done, though. Make of that what you will Grin

abigcupoffuckyou · 06/08/2017 18:25

Mumsnet is notorious for bashing step parents, look at the Dubai thread on at the moment

She's not getting bashed as a step parent, she is quite simply in the wrong, which the entire thread agrees. Don't pretend it's for a diffrerent reason!

HiJenny35 · 06/08/2017 18:29

26 years between me and my sister. Same parents they just had a big gap and then decided that they wanted another. We get on great and I had the benefit of having the best of both worlds, being like an only child and having a sibling. Go for it. I had my first at 32 you certainly aren't too old.

vintagechick43 · 06/08/2017 18:30

I was 18 when I had my first and 28 when I had my 2nd and 31 when I had my 3rd so I say go for it. My oldest it now 26 and my youngest is 13, oldest loves her brother and sister to bits. I love the relationship that they have , it does work. Yes it was a little rocky when she was a teenager and they where toddlers but it does all work out...... Just don't expect them to babysit !!

gillybeanz · 06/08/2017 18:35

OP, we had our 3rd when we were 38 there are 9 and 12 years between the other two respectively.
It must be normal for lots of people to have children with different partner(s) because so many people including their school teachers presumed I had a new relationship and dd father was not the boy's dad.

I can't say it was any harder than the previous dc, in fact it was a lot easier as been there and done it all twice before.
Even the labour was quick and pretty painless at 30 mins.

Don't let people put you off, it was the best thing that happened to us, even though she was a complete shock, our family wouldn't be the same had we not had her.

CV893 · 06/08/2017 18:41

I wouldn't have another with that gap

Sosks · 06/08/2017 18:48

I was 15 when my youngest sister was born, my older sister was 17, younger brother 14 and my (then) youngest sister was 11. She does have a different father, so it's a very similar situation, plus another 2 kids! My mum was 41 when my sister was born and coped brilliantly, possibly from lots of practice with the handful she already had Grin the bonus of having a large age gap is that your kids are able to help out. Your kids might not be the same but 15 year old me loved looking after my baby sister, I even changed the dirty nappies!

INeedToEat · 06/08/2017 18:50

Was 17 when I had my first and 30 when I had my second (now 27 and 15). Down side was that they are both like single children and not particularly 'close'. Upside was that I was never paying for 2 sets of school lunches, uniforms, school uniforms etc at the same time.

No regrets and would do it again. However I was blessed with babies who slept .. tbh I find sleepless nights intolerable what ever age I am.

SamoyedSam · 06/08/2017 18:57

@abigcupoffuckyou you must have some sense of entitlement to tell someone who is simply wondering whether or not to have a third child that she's "wrong" Grin

Popsicle434544 · 06/08/2017 18:58

My oldest is 18 and my youngest is 2.
Almost 40 now im finding it alot tougher, i dont hav the energy i have with my dd1 but i do have alot more patience now.
As for my 2 girls, although huge age gap they adore each other and my dd1 is a fab big sister.

abigcupoffuckyou · 06/08/2017 18:58

@abigcupoffuckyou you must have some sense of entitlement to tell someone who is simply wondering whether or not to have a third child that she's "wrong

You appear confused. I did nothing of the kind. Would you like to cheack again?

SamoyedSam · 06/08/2017 19:02

@abigcup...Ok I'm confused then...who is "wrong" on this thread?!

SamoyedSam · 06/08/2017 19:03

She's not getting bashed as a step parent, she is quite simply in the wrong, which the entire thread agrees. Don't pretend it's for a diffrerent reason!

???

lovetowasteitagain · 06/08/2017 19:23

So we are responsible for his care when our parents die by moral at least. Not our child. Not our choice. Not fair.

That's a bit bitter dude. My sister is only two years younger than me and is older than my brother, she has severe learning difficulties. My brother and I will be happily 'responsible' for her whenever my parents pass away because she's our sister and we fucking love her.

MotherofA · 06/08/2017 22:32

Ten year age gap , absolutely love it ! Yes it's tiring and yes you are starting all over again but it's amazing all the same .
No jealousy or sibling rivalry either, lots of love and helping . I would do it all over again in a heartbeat ❤️

LilaBard · 06/08/2017 22:59

My older sibling is 18 months older, my younger is by 12 years. My mum was 35 when he was born but it's only now he's 18 she feels "too old" iykwim but that's cos she hasn't a clue what he's about half the time (neither do I tbh). I'm very close to both my siblings, and the age gap meant we were old enough to lend a hand with him when need be. I don't think I'd be as close to him if the age gap was smaller, can't really explain why. I'm old enough to pick him up when he has a little too much to drink or gets stuck somewhere without a lift, young enough to argue his case when he falls out with our parents. Works well for us!

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 06/08/2017 23:01

We have an age gap of 15 years and I was 40 when I had my son. I have found it much easier second time round and that is with a cancer diagnosis thrown in.

My eldest did go off the rails for a while though as she was used to being an only child

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 06/08/2017 23:10

People prefer their 'own' children- it's fact.

It is not a fact and hadn't been my experience

MeltorPeltor · 06/08/2017 23:17

MiL was in her 40's when she had youngest and she coped fine, you are very young, I was the same age as you when I had my first.

The only problem with the huge age gap is that youngest has basically grown up an only child, surrounded by adults and as a result just doesn't seem to be able to interact with children their own age, youngest doesn't really have a relationship with siblings as he's much younger than them but much older than their children.

I would say if you are planning another child, then aim for two so at least there are two siblings of the same age (although this is of course easier said than done)

Don't let tiredness put you off, you just cope with a baby, you have to, it's different to normally interrupted sleep.

ApricotExpat · 06/08/2017 23:24

I don't know from the elder siblings point of view, but only from the younger...

My nearest sibling is 15 years older than me and I adore her. It's taken me nearly 40 years to realise that she's not necessarily aways right however! But she's still fabulous. Age between siblings (I'm the youngest of six) doesn't mean a things - in our case.

However, dh and I have four who are all born a year apart. Consciously. DH is a last baby too.

I knew I was an accident (yours obv wouldn't be). I never knew my siblings living at home.

So perhaps - if you're going to consider having a baby have two - so there is companionship!

Good luck with it all.

CadnoDrwg · 07/08/2017 10:36

@MargaretTwatyer thanks for the personal attack appropriate NN or what!

I was sharing my experience. Not laying blame on anyone or telling horror stories. The experience made me closer to my youngest sister than the others so it's not something I resent my mother for at all.

My point was my mother was only 33 having my youngest sister and she was exhausted and barely coping. She's now permanently in a wheelchair and has been since before she was 50 so I suspect that what she went through in her 30s was a precursor to how her life was panning out. I didn't know that then, I just saw my mother struggling and wanted to help.

My actual point was that as a compassionate 11 year old I couldn't just see my mother struggle with a baby when I knew I could help. My father worked 70 hour shifts just to keep us afloat so he was either sleeping or working himself.

If alwaystiredneversleeping has older children it's an experience worth sharing because she may find herself at 3am desperate for some sleep (as most mothers have been at some point) when a kind hearted teenager wanders in and takes over. It's down to her whether she thinks this would be a positive family dynamic or not.

At no point have I made a personal attack on anyone or tried to scaremonger. OP asked for experience, I shared a valid personal one. You on the other hand seem to be on some sort of high horse. Climb down before you do yourself an injury deary!

RhodaBorrocks · 07/08/2017 11:14

My Gran had big(ish) age gaps between all her chikdren and she didnt start particularly young for the time as she didnt get married until she was 28 (practically over the hill back then!). She had my Uncles either side of WW2 and then in her mid 40s had my DF (unplanned). There was a 7 year age gap between each of her kids. They're not overly close now and are in their 60s, 70s and 80s respectively.

I had Ds relatively young and he's 10 now. Judging by my family's fertility I've got around another 10 fertile years left which is just as well as there's no man in my life right now. I don't even think about things like tiredness etc as I'm healthier and fitter now than I was 10 years ago!

I don't think there's a 'too old- you want another, try for another!

hiphopcat · 07/08/2017 11:32

I think the poster meant people prefer their own children to other peoples, not their own biological child compared to an adopted one! Confused

hiphopcat · 07/08/2017 11:32

@abigcupoffuckyou
She's not getting bashed as a step parent, she is quite simply in the wrong, which the entire thread agrees. Don't pretend it's for a different reason!

@samoyedsam
you must have some sense of entitlement to tell someone who is simply wondering whether or not to have a third child that she's "wrong.

If you looked further back into what @abigcupoffuckyou was talking about, she was on about a stepmum in another thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2998540-to-be-pissed-off-about-holiday?msgid=70981476

She was talking about the OP on THAT thread ^ who everyone agreed was wrong to be angry about her partner taking his son on holiday. She wasn't on about the OP in this thread.

She was trying to illustrate that people are disagreeing because they think she is wrong, not because she is a stepmum.

I agree with the peoples saying that it's preposterous that you can't disagree with someone who is a stepmum without being accused of disagreeing with her purely because she is a stepmum.