To worry that there is too much of am age gap to have more kids?

[alwaystiredneversleeping]

I had my first 2 children very young. They are now 12 and 15, I am not with their father and got married to my long term partner last year.

We decided last year that we want to try for a baby, I have some fertility issues/health issues so it may never happen for us but we have been hopeful and after years of uni/job changes/family issues etc.. we decided the time was right after we married.

That was until a few nights ago, my 12 year old was really poorly as in vomitting and pooping at the same time, up every 60-90 minutes to help him to bathroom, shower, back to bed etc...

It's taken me 3 days to recover! Luckily I am off work for the week due to school hols.

I am now worried I will never cope with the exhaustion that comes with a new baby! Am I just being silly or is it going to be really difficult adjusting after 12 years? I have trouble sleeping as it it is due to pain and the other night really knocked me.

Has anyone had big age gaps? How did you cope with the adjustment?

I absolutely loved having a big age gap and really cherished all the lovely experiences that you have with a wee one .
I'm similar to you that I had two children young and married again . My kids are now 22 19 and 9. I was though really careful not to expect my girls to do anything much when the baby was young. I think this was because growing up my mum had always said that when she was 12 her mum had twin boys and she was expected to do loads.
Not all hearts and flowers obviously especially when I had a toddler and two teenagers but I'm so so glad I had a third .
One thing I really wanted was a pregnancy that everyone was pleased and excited about which you don't really get when you are a teen mum although the girls were obviously loved . Plus I was much more secure job and financially wise which made things much easier.

I know someone who had her first child at 20 and second child at 40 everything was fine and she became a granny not long after too , she says it was a little more tiring having her second but she had lots more patience and didnt work second time so really appreciated the time with her little one so its swings and roundabouts , im 35 and currently pregnant due any day now im not worried about my age and looking after a little one at all in fact im looking forward to it

Go for it.

10 years between mine but I had them at 28 and 38 - youngest now 15. He keeps me young.

I had twins at 38 and I'm fine.

That age gap is nice. Old enough to be rational enough not to be jealous, young enough to find a baby and toddler fun.

'go for it' is very selfish and unthinking of YOUR existing children.
It's not about YOU op. It's about your children whom you already have.

The relationship between your DP and DC WILL change.
People prefer their 'own' children- it's fact.

Of course its about her. And I'm sure she will think of her kids and knows her family setup muh better than you.

the arrogance of some posters is astounding.

And I'm sure she will think of her kids and knows her family setup muh better than you.

She knows her own family set-up now. Things do usually change when the step-parent has their own child, a million threads on MN is evidence of that. However, you're quite correct the choice is down to the op and her partner. There's no harm pointing these things out though.

Some of the replies on here are horrid. Having a child with a new partner does not make you a selfish, bad mother. And loads of half siblings adore each other.

People prefer their 'own' children- it's fact

Can you back up your 'fact' with any sort of evidence?

Families with a mix of bio and adopted children would very much disagree with you.

I think this just shows up your own limited imagination and capacity for emotion rather than revealing anything about the OPs situation.

A friend of mine had her first at 16 and her second at 37.... she's happy and her kids are happy.. .. it can work if you want it to. The big age gap may mean that they don't play much and it's like having 2 only children...

There's no harm pointing these things out though

There is harm in posting rude opinions as facts.

12 years between my two. Almost 14 and 2.
The sleepless nights at the beginning were hard but think it depends how helpful your DH would be? I bf DS2 so I did the night feeds but DP always let me have a lie in.
I found it hard to go from having lots of free time and being able to do what I wanted when I wanted to having to occupy a baby/toddler all the time again but DP is very good and will take DS2 out whenever I need a break.
DS1 is very good with DS2 and DS2 thinks DS1 is the best thing ever. I do sometimes worry that DS1 is left out as it's hard to find many activities that we can all do together but even before DS2 was here DS1 would prefer to go out with his friends.

Sorry I wasn't saying don't have kids with a new partner, it's your choice and you can choose to do what you like.

I was drawing on past situations I've seen in rl and on mn I guess too. Woman has a couple of kids who are ages 10 - teens etc meets new guy/gets married or has long term relationship, they feel they must have a baby between them, guy treats her older kids "as his own" then new baby comes along, his biological child, and suddenly he is all about his child and the others come 2nd. It's a bit of a textbook situation and I don't know where all this cynical attitude has come from on my part I suppose it could be because I've had 2 friends do this in the past 2 years. One of them split with her ex, father of her 2 kids ages 9 and 11, 2 years ago (he was a cheating asshole tbh) and immediately went to online dating, met a guy and they now have an 8 month old baby which is her new partners first. Now she's finding it difficult with child care because she wants to go back to work.

Can't some people just enjoy being with each other as a couple and enjoy bonding with the existing children instead of rushing into the romantic notion of having a "child of their own." My dp isn't my kids father and I had mine young but I guess I just want to enjoy the time i have with him as s couple and the thought of going back to the starting gate again with a new baby makes me feel like I need a long nap!

Each to their own I guess.

My two are 12 and 9. I just took care of a 3 yr old relative for a few days. Lovely kid, but MY GOD I am shattered and had forgotten about how every waking minute is taken up by the needs and demands of a toddler. Even a very well behaved one.

I couldn't ever go back to that.

@alwaystiredneversleeping I think it's great that you're both thinking it through carefully, op. It looks like one or two people on here - naming no names - are projecting some weird stuff from their own lives. You know how much your DH loves your kids, and having one together will not change that. Good luck to you xx

Wow, OP, if you stopped at two your kids would be 23 abd 21 when you were 40! That sounds like bliss!

But on the other hand, you're still very young so if you want more kids then you should go for it.

Can't some people just enjoy being with each other as a couple and enjoy bonding with the existing children instead of rushing into the romantic notion of having a "child of their own."

Have you even read the OPs post? They married last year but he is her long term partner. Nobody is rushing into anything.

My mother was only 33 having my youngest sister. There are 11 years between us and I ended up in a position of mummy 2. Not because there was an expectation but because I couldn't see my mother exhausted and not step in and help.

That's an added dynamic you need to consider and whether you children will be OK with being seen as almost parent figures to their younger sibling. It is definitely a different kind of sibling relationship than the one I have with my sister who is only 5 years my junior.

abigcupoffuckyou

I don't think I was rude? I've only given personal experience, I've recognised this isn't always the case but I think it's rather unfair to say 'go for it, it will be fine' without considering all factors. The real fact is, you don't know how it will pan out until the decision is done. This is a platform for opinions from all sides, not just the Ines who'd happily jump in and think of consequences later.

@alwaystiredneversleeping

It's entirely up to you, but it would be a huge NO from me. Been there done that, loved every minute of my kids, and would never change a thing, but I would not want to to it all again. All those years of drudgery, struggling financially, school gate mafia, childcare, school politics, chasing your tail trying to appease your kids with all their hobbies and interests, and running yourself ragged after work to take them here there and everywhere, and never being able to put yourself first.

And don't even get me STARTED on the 4-5 years of sleep deprivation me and DH had. Not only when they were babies, but the fact that they were still getting up at 5am-ish at 3-4 years old!

As I said, I love my kids, and if I could go back 25 years in time, I would still have them IYSWIM.

But I can't pretend it's been easy, because it hasn't. It's amazing now, and I love the relationships we have with our independent adult children with their successful careers. But I have no desire to do it all over again!

So, as I said, it's a no from me. Now me and DH are in our 40's, our kids have left, and we can do what we want, when we want, and go on holidays abroad, long weekends away etc etc, and not have to worry about anything.

Starting again at 35-40. Not for me. Nor DH. We love our life as it is now.

Sorry OP. You did ask!

I am also curious as to why you have your username OP. Do you REALLY wanna start over again??? (If you are 'always tired, never sleeping?')

Margrettwatcher I wasn't talking to the op directly and you read my post you would see I had referred to a couple of friends of my own and my last paragraph was not directed at anyone in particular, just why can't people just enjoy each other/the kids they have.

I don't think I was rude? I've only given personal experience

I don't believe I was talking to you, or made any indication that I was.

Mine are 9, 7 and 3 months so it felt like a huge age gap.

This time around is so, so much easier. The big two largely entertain themselves. Going shopping/out is easy as the big 2 can manage themselves so I can see to dc3.

The big ones are great with dc3 too, love to help and hold him. Very proud when they're allowed to 'babysit' him for me when I'm in the shower or cooking.

The sleepless nights were hard and a shock to the system - but you do cope because you must.

I agree sunandmoonshine, some people are natural mothers if that makes sense in terms of they love it all so much they would probably happily do it over again and again. Some people though are of course natural mothers but once they get past a certain stage with kids and enjoyed that stage to an extent, wouldn't want to go back and do it again.

I have a friend who just had twins when she already has 3 boys who are ages 9, 12 and 15 but she loves it and takes it all in her stride. I would be a tired, miserable mess if it were me! Some people just love it and never want it to end and others love it but wouldn't want to go through it all again.

The question I would ask myself is if I had kids your age op and I was still with their dad, would I have another one now (with their dad)? Or am I only thinking about starting again with a new baby because I don't have a child with my current partner? If the answer is yes, you would have another one now if you were still with your kids now then I'd go for it

lotus, if you say things like that in the context of this thread it's pretty reasonable to assume that you're referring to the OPs situation.

And you could just as easily apply 'why can't you enjoy the kids you have' to anybody who has more than one child.