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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry that there is too much of am age gap to have more kids?

101 replies

alwaystiredneversleeping · 06/08/2017 10:53

I had my first 2 children very young. They are now 12 and 15, I am not with their father and got married to my long term partner last year.

We decided last year that we want to try for a baby, I have some fertility issues/health issues so it may never happen for us but we have been hopeful and after years of uni/job changes/family issues etc.. we decided the time was right after we married.

That was until a few nights ago, my 12 year old was really poorly as in vomitting and pooping at the same time, up every 60-90 minutes to help him to bathroom, shower, back to bed etc...

It's taken me 3 days to recover! Luckily I am off work for the week due to school hols.

I am now worried I will never cope with the exhaustion that comes with a new baby! Am I just being silly or is it going to be really difficult adjusting after 12 years? I have trouble sleeping as it it is due to pain and the other night really knocked me.

Has anyone had big age gaps? How did you cope with the adjustment?

OP posts:

BobbinThreadbare123 · 06/08/2017 13:33

My mum had a big gap and we all coped fine. Two of us of in our 30s and the other is barely into her twenties. The only issues for my mum, she reckons, is spending from the late 80s until 2013 going to parents' evenings and buying school shoes!

EdmundCleverClogs · 06/08/2017 13:34

abigcupoffuckyou my apologies- when people directly quote my posts, I assume they are speaking to me.

Velvian · 06/08/2017 13:37

I had my 1st ds at 17, dd at 30 & ds2 at 32 (nearly 33). Every time was a shock! I think ds1 is very pleased to have his siblings, they adore each other. I was a bit like you before i had dd, i'd had 12/13 years of parenting already. There's no right or wrong answer. Having another child will be hard work, detrimental to your career & reduce the amount of time you will have for your other 2, but it will bring new love and happiness as well.

sunandmoonshine · 06/08/2017 13:41

Very good points @nomudnolotus11

indigox · 06/08/2017 13:41

My mum had my half sister when I was 21, my brother was 18, it seems to be fine for my mum though my sister is growing up more as an only child.

deadringer · 06/08/2017 14:06

It's not the same thing obviously but we made the decision to foster a newborn long term when our dc were 18, 15 and 11. She is 8 now they adore her. It is tough though when you have teens/adult kids and a young child, it's like having two families. I was worried about the emotional side of things, jealously, resentment, but it was the practical stuff that I struggled with. The older ones would be getting ready to go out when I was getting her to bed, sometimes i would be getting up with the lo when the older ones were coming in after a night out. They could be trying to study for exams while she was going through a teething nightmare. With holidays and family days out it was difficult to find activities that everyone would enjoy. It has all worked out well and they love her to bits.

55hosting · 06/08/2017 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BloodWorries · 06/08/2017 14:36

Not sure if anyone else has picked this up, but

I have trouble sleeping as it it is due to pain and the other night really knocked me.

I read your post as you don't have any issues with anything but the idea of struggling with a lack of sleep/rest. What is your pain? Is it going to make having a baby/toddler more difficult? Did you have the pain when you had your DC? Are you taking any medication? Would that have to be stopped/changed whilst pregnant? Or breastfeeding (if that's what you want to do)? Will being pregnant/labour make your condition worse?

I have a chronic pain issue, and between that and finances we haven't started ttc yet. Unless I can get my problem under control we won't be trying. Pregnancy, labour and day to day of raising a baby/toddler/young child would be too much. If I'm still in this position in 5-10 years we're planning on looking into adoption of a school age child/children as I'd be fine from that point onwards.

meltingmarshmallows · 06/08/2017 14:41

I can't comment from a parent's perspective but my sister and I have a similar age gap and it was lovely growing up. It meant we both had a lot of time with Mum and a special relationship. She didn't have to help raise me as some people have stated but could be the cool older sister. When she moved out I would stay with her and have such fond memories of it all.

honeylulu · 06/08/2017 14:48

Due to secondary infertility there is more than nine years between our two. It's been great!
I found my first baby exhausting and I was broken. I was 30.
At 40 I coped absolutely fine. I just don't need as much sleep these days.

Original poster

alwaystiredneversleeping · 06/08/2017 15:00

I feel quite sad reading some of the replies, especially those saying I would be selfish to have more children or that step-parents favor biological children.

My have complete faith that my husband would not treat another child any differently to the 2 that we have already! He has been their father figure for 9 years (their own dad passed away from an undiagnosed genetic condition just over 10 years ago).

Having half-siblings/ step-parents myself I can honestly say I have never felt that I was treated any differently to my siblings by my parents or step-parents. TBH if I thought that would be the case I wouldn't be married to him, but after 9 years together he is still the sweetest man I know and treats our children just as any father figure should. Also those saying about rushing to have another baby with a new partner I don't think 9 years is a rush and I can't answer whether I would still want it if it wasn't a new partner as my kids dad passed away, I would like to think we would have gone on to have more children but I will never know.

Of course I enjoy my children and of course I know dynamocs would change- is that not always the case when a person has a new baby?

I posted hoping for shared experiences of age gaps not to be bashed and made to feel like a bad mother for wanting to add to our family.

P.s the person who asked about my username - I have been member/lurker for a while. When I joined I was a student nurse working long shifts and lots of nights plus bank work and writing dissertation etc... I felt like I never slept between that and a family life. I now work a 7-3 mon-fri, big (very welcome) change to work-life balance since then !

OP posts:

sadeyedladyofthelowlands63 · 06/08/2017 15:01

My youngest sibling is 12 years younger than me (there are four of us altogether). It was never a problem growing up - we found the baby a bit of a novelty and quite liked being "allowed" to help with her. One thing I do remember my parents doing, was making sure that they made time for we older ones to have "one-on-one" parent time fairly regularly. Even if it was just a trip to the local shopping centre with lunch in a cafe, it meant all of us had time when we had the undivided attention of a parent.

Now we (the eldest three) are in our fifties, and the youngest is early forties. We all get on very well!

Original poster

alwaystiredneversleeping · 06/08/2017 15:11

Bloodworries - the pain issue is gynae stuff, I have only 1 ovary now due to massive cysts a few years ago. I seem to get flares on the remaining ovary periodically and that causes me a lot of pain sometimes, usually when I am layong rather than through the day though thankfully. I did have the problem when I had both my children and didn't impact my pregnancies or births, I was only told both times they were surprised I had concieved. Obviously the difference is that I had 2 ovaries then and now I only have 1 so the conception part will be trickier.

The gynae stuff is partly what put us off having another child earlier as after the removal I needed time to recover and then with uni, new job etc... we wanted to be in a stable situation with finances, jobs etc...

OP posts:

meltingmarshmallows · 06/08/2017 15:27

@alwaystiredneversleeping Don't let the replies get you down, there's a pointless amount of negativity. You're only 32! It sounds like you have a lovely family & set up. As someone with a much older sister and a step dad who has been as good a day as any biological one could be, I say stuff what people are saying. You know your family and it's dynamic.

As a poser below wrote, you may find it so much easier this time around! There's no rhyme or reason to how hard each baby will be (I gather) and it certainly sounds as though you'll have your family's support! X

greendale17 · 06/08/2017 15:50

You are only 32- I would say go for it!

thatsnotmyrat · 06/08/2017 15:57

I had my pair at the age you are now, I cannot see your age being a problem. I have siblings who are up to 15 years younger than me and although I didn't have that much to do with them growing up as I left home for uni etc we all get on well as adults.

MargaretTwatyer · 06/08/2017 16:24

I feel quite sad reading some of the replies, especially those saying I would be selfish to have more children or that step-parents favor biological children.

Mumsnet is notorious for bashing step parents, look at the Dubai thread on at the moment. Plus, I have noticed that there is a tendency on MN to bash mothers who start new relationships no matter how responsible they are about it. Quite a few posters like to present themselves as moral paragons who have remained single, sacrificing their own happiness for the sake of their children and women who don't as selfish hussies. I think for a lot of them it would be closer to the truth to say they can't get a boyfriend and resent people who can. Ignore.

ziggzagg · 06/08/2017 16:25

There will be 11 years between my two when I have baby in Jan. DD is extremely excited to have a new sibling on the way but said it will be hard cause she's been my one and only for 11years! I just have to keep reassuring her, I know it's going to be hard but we're a family, we'll make it work!! Good luck in whatever you do!!

09chelle74 · 06/08/2017 17:11

There's a 17 year age gap between my 2 dc. And am doing it alone . Loving it and you soon get back into the swing of it

SafeToCross · 06/08/2017 17:17

I think it could make you feel younger again. I think it depends what kind of lifestyle you both want over the next 10-15 years - more travel and cheap holidays out of school term time? Eating out? Culture? Pursuing work opportunities and career advancement? Gardening and country walks? Or devoting yourselves to your teens as they go through important exams and to raising any future children?

Craiconwithit · 06/08/2017 17:36

32 OP? You're a spring chicken!
I don't know what you're worrying about.
We have 3 children.
Our oldest is 36 and the youngest is 8...
No family is perfect but my oldest two are fantastic big brothers to the youngest plus we have a 4yr old grandson. We don't all live together obviously, but it's fantastic when we do manage to get together for a family party or holiday.
I also come from a family with a spread of ages. I'm the youngest and my sister is 20 years older than me with 3 in between us.

SamoyedSam · 06/08/2017 17:45

Jesus Christ...some of these replies are the weirdest load of rubbish, IMHO ! The OP was asking about having a baby with teens in the house, and more specifically about the potential exhaustion of a newborn whilst caring for older DCs. Yet a load of posters saw fit to weigh in about the family dynamic between step-kids, bio-kids and a DStepP?! OP....unless I've guessed wrongly, your post was about age gap? I have a 10 year age gap in between kids, and I honestly felt the baby years of the second one were a gift snatched from the jaws of "it may never have happened"....it actually made me want a third because it was so lovely . As for the poster who mentioned looking after an autistic sibling when the parents pass away? Well that would be the same whether there was a 1 year or a 12 year age gap between you. The issue as to whether the parents of a child with ASD should or shouldn't have more kids is a completely different topic.

MargaretTwatyer · 06/08/2017 17:47

And the post about caring for a sibling because their poor decrepit 33 year old mother couldn't cope.

SamoyedSam · 06/08/2017 17:48

My partner is from a family of seven, with a 23 year age gap between the eldest and youngest. Never seen a closer family....almost annoyingly so

SamoyedSam · 06/08/2017 17:51

Oh, and full disclosure: I was 30 when I had the first and 40 when I had the second!

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