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Original poster

Still punishing DH for suspected affair

66 replies

Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 09:21

Looking for advice or opinions really as to whether I should just let this go.

A few years ago, DH and I went through a rough patch. I had just given birth and we weren't talking or coping very well. I had PND and was really struggling. Months went by and things seemed to get better. We even started to talk about having another baby and were in the middle of planning our wedding.
I was looking for some contact details for someone on DH phone one day and came across some messages between DH and a girl he is friends with at work. They were incredibly inappropriate, talking about private body parts, and very sexual. I ended up going through the whole chat history and they were talking about me, making fun of me being depressed (this was around the time I had just had our son and I was incredibly unhappy). There were also messages between the two of them from a business trip they both went on which seemed to imply they may have slept together.
I was so shocked and upset. I confronted my DH. He got angry at first because I had looked through his phone, but he calmed down and we spoke about it. He realised I was devastated that he had been talking to this girl, but denied anything sexual happened despite their texts. We eventually got married and soon after had another baby. Though this was a couple of years ago, I just can't let this go. I am very often angry at him and whenever we argue I bring it up again. He keeps saying he's sorry and he knows it was wrong to talk to her. But feel like I'll never know the truth and that I can never really trust him again. Do I just let this go and accept that I'll never know for sure?

OP posts:
NapQueen · 06/08/2017 09:23

Tbh Id have finished things based on the initial discovery, but it is understabdable that you wanted to try and carry on and see if it got better.

However all I can advise is to end it. He did and said many incredibly disrespectful things to and about you when you were at your most vulnerable.

Imo thats not recoverable and showed you who he truly is.

Original poster
Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 09:35

I wanted to end it at the time, but we had our child so I thought we should try to make it work. It's hard when you have children, just to end a relationship. He's a very good father too. I love him but I cannot let it go. I considered trying to contact the girl in question to try and get some answers but think that may cause more problems. They still work together, but he has said he has cut off all contact with her (who knows?)

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 06/08/2017 09:38

I can't believe you married him after he mocked your mental health behind your back.

You don't have to stay for the kids, you know. You'll never be able to trust him and clearly you haven't forgiven him. I don't think you should forgive him by the way.

NapQueen · 06/08/2017 09:39

Very good fathers dont do what he did to the mother of their child.

redsquirrel2 · 06/08/2017 09:42

You do need to let it go in order to have a future together, but it's not really resolved yet is it? I'd suggest relationship counselling. You need to explain to him how you're still struggling with it and to move on you need to talk about it frankly and honestly, and to know the truth. The you can deal with it properly and try to put it behind you and rebuild your relationship, if that's what you want to do.

Don't keep throwing it back in his face, it's not really healthy for your relationship no matter how tempting it must be.

Original poster
Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 09:43

Thanks for your comments. I feel like I did just 'let him off' too easily at the time. Resentment has built up over the years over it all. If I can't forgive him and move on it may be the end for us.

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 06/08/2017 09:43

I think you have to either let it go completely, or finish the relationship.

You know it happened. You know 100% that he crossed the line. You've decided to continue your relationship knowing that, so you need to let it go. If you can't let it go, then you have to separate.

TidyDancer · 06/08/2017 09:44

You can't live like this. You will never be happy because you will never trust him. Whether or not he is telling the truth isn't actually the most important bit of this because you won't be able to know that and you wouldn't trust he won't lie to you again.

I would've been out the door at the time personally but the fact that you're years down the line and still can't let go of it should tell you all you need to know.

Original poster
Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 09:44

Red Squirrel.the counselling is a good idea and he did suggest that.

OP posts:
Mayhemmumma · 06/08/2017 09:47

The reality is he probably did have sex with her....and you know that. It's very easy for him to apologies for the messages because he knows he's getting off lightly.
It depends whether where you are now with your relationship is it worth holding on to. Is life good enough to let the suspected infidelity go? I've done similar to you if that helps and do believe when you have children it is more complicated. But I can hand on heart say I am happily married...are you happy now?

SpartacusSaiman · 06/08/2017 09:48

This is one of those 'piss or get off the pot' situations.

Personally i would have left him then but you didnt. So no point going over that.

You need decide what you want. Continuing to carry this and punish him, is extremely unhealthy.

If you dont want to leave. You need to get help and deal with it.

If you cant, you need to leave. He fucked up, in the worst way. But its not right to keep punishing him forever for it. No one should live having their fuck ups thrown at them forever.

Its not right for you to live with this hanging over you. The resentment, that anger.

Its a toxic environment for your child as well.

Original poster
Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 09:53

Mayhemmumma, we have times where things are very good and he is a caring attentive husband and father. This is what makes it so hard to leave him because things aren't so bad now. I feel like though he made the mistake, it's me who is now the problem as my anger towards him is what causes the arguments now. I don't suspect him of cheating again. It's the not knowing and the broken trust that makes it hardtop live with.

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 06/08/2017 10:00

There's no point staying with him if you can't put it behind you - it will destroy your marriage.

As PP have said, I wouldn't have stayed with him after the first instance but that's moot, because you did and you're now married.

If you think you can get past it then go to counselling and really try but if you know in your heart you can't, you may as well end it now.

MoreProseccoNow · 06/08/2017 10:01

You're angry because it's unresolved.

Agree that counselling (either separately or together) could help.

But you have to be prepared that you relationship could end of you (understandably) can't forgive him - are you ready for that? And have you thought about how life would be like without him?

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2017 10:06

That's great if he will go to counselling. It sounds as if you still really love him. And he you. The things he said and what he did (or didn't) do are poisoning your lives and that of your children. It is correct that you either need to end the relationship or let it go because otherwise this will become a life sentence for the two of you and the toxicity will breed very damaged children. Counselling will help you work through this and come to a decision either way.

The fact that you didn't end the relationship at the time doesn't mean you should end it now. Dh and I have been through some very rough patches. Looking back, at the time, we should perhaps have ended things and we didn't. We did have a break of a few months a very long time ago. Now things have changed and I'm chronically ill and disabled. He's been pretty amazing actually. Had I been emotionally stronger, I probably would have ended it but all in all I'm glad I didn't now.

Not all marriages and relationships can recover from a betrayal such as yours. But some can and you need to discover if yours is one you wish to fight for because you're very far from checking out of the relationship right now. But you need to be all in or all out.

Caenea · 06/08/2017 10:16

I agree with PPs.

If you cannot let this go but refuse to end the marriage, it will consume you both until you are both angry, bitter people who didn't leave soon enough. Trust me when I say your child will know about it because the atmosphere in your home will be toxic and suffocating for them.

Honestly, in some cases, the best thing to do for the child is split up. At least that way both their parents can be happy and give that child a positive environment.

redsquirrel2 · 06/08/2017 10:18

OP if he said he'll do counselling, what's stopping you? You both sound like you want it to work, it sounds like he really regrets what he did. Sorry to use an Americanism, but you need closure. And I don't mean splitting up, I mean tackling it and moving on. Good luck!

MurrayMoo · 06/08/2017 10:45

The fact that he mocked your mental illness with another woman who he was most likely having an affair (of sorts) with, when you had just given birth to his child would be unforgivable to me. I think it shows his true colours and is a very nasty thing to do/characteristic.
If it had been 'just' an affair I think it would have been possible to move on, but not, personally, from the above.

Loopytiles · 06/08/2017 10:49

Wow he really let you down when you were vulnerable.

You don't have "full disclosure". There seems good reason not to believe him. Most likely he did have sex with her.

He still works with OW so is not no contact.

If you want to get to the bottom of it and remain in the relationship counselling could be helpful.

RainbowPastel · 06/08/2017 11:13

He isn't a nice person. Nice people don't discuss their loved ones like that.

Original poster
Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 11:19

Murraymoo it did surprise me, as previously I felt like he was the one solid constant in my life, someone who I could always count on and trust, obviously don't feel like that anymore.

The period of time this was, was one of the most awful times of my life. I was exhausted, recovering from a caesarean, in pain, felt very unattractive and was incredibly depressed and just getting through the next day was a struggle. Sometimes I couldn't imagine being around the next week iykwim. Thankfully I am not depressed anymore.

I think a few of you have summed it up....I need closure. I would almost prefer him just to admit it so we can draw a line under it and move on. Counselling is the way forward. I didn't want to originally because it's not the 'done' thing in my family. We generally just sweep things under the rug and move on. Not healthy! Thanks for your comments, it really does help.

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 06/08/2017 11:25

@Napqueen
Very good fathers dont do what he did to the mother of their child

And good mothers dont hold onto resentments for years, poisioning the atmosphere for the children....it works both ways

Original poster
Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 11:26

MoreProseccoNow.....I really can't imagine being without him. When you've been with someone for 12 years, and you have 2 children and a mortgage, and so much history, giving it all up and moving on seems almost impossible. If we had been together for a shorter time and didn't have children I would have ended it immediately. Having children does complicate things. He's from a family where his parents got divorced when he was little. I'm from a family where my parents argued and were miserable and probably should have got divorced but didn't. We both suffered for it, and I can't say either of us are particularly better off for the decisions our parents made. Hard to know what is best for the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 11:27

Neutrogena you're right. I'm not proud of it, and I shouldn't be doing it. Easier said than done though.

OP posts:
SpartacusSaiman · 06/08/2017 11:27

People who sweep things under the carpet and move on, often dont actually move on.

Thats the issue. There is a huge lump of shit under the carpet. They can still see it and smell it. Its still present. Everyone is pretending to ignore it, but its still there impacting them every day.

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