Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Still punishing DH for suspected affair

66 replies

Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 09:21

Looking for advice or opinions really as to whether I should just let this go.

A few years ago, DH and I went through a rough patch. I had just given birth and we weren't talking or coping very well. I had PND and was really struggling. Months went by and things seemed to get better. We even started to talk about having another baby and were in the middle of planning our wedding.
I was looking for some contact details for someone on DH phone one day and came across some messages between DH and a girl he is friends with at work. They were incredibly inappropriate, talking about private body parts, and very sexual. I ended up going through the whole chat history and they were talking about me, making fun of me being depressed (this was around the time I had just had our son and I was incredibly unhappy). There were also messages between the two of them from a business trip they both went on which seemed to imply they may have slept together.
I was so shocked and upset. I confronted my DH. He got angry at first because I had looked through his phone, but he calmed down and we spoke about it. He realised I was devastated that he had been talking to this girl, but denied anything sexual happened despite their texts. We eventually got married and soon after had another baby. Though this was a couple of years ago, I just can't let this go. I am very often angry at him and whenever we argue I bring it up again. He keeps saying he's sorry and he knows it was wrong to talk to her. But feel like I'll never know the truth and that I can never really trust him again. Do I just let this go and accept that I'll never know for sure?

OP posts:

Picklepickle123 · 06/08/2017 11:29

Can you ask yourself what you would like to happen going forward? You say that he got off lightly at the time ( which may be true) but how would you 'punish' him now? If he has apologised and regretted his actions, what more do you want from him? Is there an underlying trust issue that needs to be addressed?

I disagree with PPs that you should leave him, but totally agree that honest counselling to help provide you some closure is the best way forward.

PipGirl404 · 06/08/2017 11:34

I will never understand women who use the "we have a child" excuse to let themselves be treated like dirt.

You'll probably never stop being angry at him about it. You should have left when you discovered it because now you know he has potential to have an affair and at some point probably will.

Leave, don't let your kid grow up with a shitty relationship dynamic to base their future relationships off.

Original poster

Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 11:40

Pipgirl, it isn't an excuse. The children are a consideration. At the point when this originally happened, I had just had a baby, and no job or income. Unfortunately that has to be considered when thinking about my child, where we would live and how I could take care of them. It's rarely as simple as just getting up and leaving and starting a new life.

OP posts:

FrogsSitonLogs · 06/08/2017 11:48

As you said you don't have closure because it's still unresolved. You don't really know what happened as he hasn't been honest with you and he hasn't had to take any responsibility or suffer any consequences because the whole thing has been brushed under the carpet. You need to get this resolved and then decide what to do with the information one way or another.

The mocking your mental health is just awful and so hurtful, I'm not sure I could forgive that.

MsGameandWatching · 06/08/2017 11:56

I understand why you stayed with him and married him. I stayed through far worse. But I shouldn't have. What he did was too much of a betrayal, no wonder you can't get over it, I wouldn't either. Your marriage is over really, as harsh as it sounds it was before it even started.

MsGameandWatching · 06/08/2017 11:59

I will never understand women who use the "we have a child" excuse to let themselves be treated like dirt.

Then you should try to and stop making already hurt posters feel even more shit because this is not something you happen to have experienced. Women are groomed from early childhood to put Men and The Family first and to Work At Relationships. Sometimes it takes coming on here to a community of strong women who already had the message that that is bullshit before you understand that it's actually fine to put yourself first when you're being treated so badly.

FaithAgain · 06/08/2017 12:02

I wonder if the issue is that you feel in limbo because you know he hasn't told you everything? I think I would be telling him I needed to know everything. I'd go for counselling, preferably with him but on your own if he won't, so you can work out what you really want and if you can move forward. If you do decide to stay with him, you are going to have to pledge to stop bringing it up during every row.

ISpeakJive · 06/08/2017 12:02

Why did you rush to have a second child if you were unsure about the marriage/affair/lies?

Piratesandpants · 06/08/2017 12:05

So what happens the next time you have ill health?

MsGameandWatching · 06/08/2017 12:06

Why did you rush to have a second child if you were unsure about the marriage/affair/lies?

Do you need to know that in order to be able to advise OP on her current situation?

namechangingagainagain · 06/08/2017 12:09

I think some times on here it feels like there two options if you find out about an affair- either LTB immediately, or stay as a doormat and lose any self esteem. In real life there are many ways of dealing with it.

I found out 3 years ago.... I even had a few threads on here.
We are still together. The main reason for me staying was wanting to keep the family together for the sake of the children. I grew up with divorced parents /step parents and all the stress it involved.... And they were relatively amicable! I didn't want that for my children-so i get where you are coming from staying rather than leaving.

3 years on i do feel i forgive him for everything he did. More importantly I've grown up a lot and realise even good people can do really shitty things to people they love under certain circumstances. Neither of us take each other for granted anymore. I still mention the affair ,but not in the heat of an arguement..... I don't throw it at him as evidence of what a crap individual anymore (and i did a lot in the early days).

If you're still bringing it up... Why are you doing it? If you want to hurt him,why? If you don't feel he realises the impact it had on you you need to get it out(therapy may help this) and then you need to draw a line. Because all that's happening now is that you're perpetuating your roles as him being a crap person ( he was crap but is he always going to be the bad guy?)and you being the victim ( and if you still feel like this you need a way to let this go too). What he did was massive and horrible to you- I'm not minimising this-must. But if you're staying then there is not point both of you being miserable about this forever. Life is very short.

Original poster

Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 12:10

Our 2nd child wasn't a rush. This happened over a period of years. Our first child had just been born when he did this, there is a 5 year gap between our 2 children, hardly a rush. Really, I thought I could move on and forget it. That hasn't happened unfortunately.

OP posts:

Piratesandpants · 06/08/2017 12:13

Do you really, honestly think he would be there for you if you see ill again? It's an important question to ask yourself to inform what you do next.,

MoreProseccoNow · 06/08/2017 12:13

There's no point in berating OP for decisions she made years ago in the fog of PND, with a newborn - just because it wouldn't have been what you theoretically wouldn't have done it yourself.

jacks11 · 06/08/2017 12:14

OP, I'm another who thinks you either have to find a way to out it behind you (e.g. through counselling) or decide that you cannot get over what happened and end the relationship. Neither will be easy and I don't think anyone but you can decide whether there you should work at it or not.

I think posters saying "should have left him at the time" is particularly helpful- that's history now and what's done is done. What matters now is the future.

He may have "got off lightly" at the time- but continually punishing him now is not going to change that. It just reduces the chances of making your relationship work (if that's what you want), creates a bad atmosphere for the whole family, makes you miserable and does nothing to tackle your feelings of hurt and anger. It's destructive, to you as much as anyone, so you need to find a way to stop doing it.

Original poster

Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 12:15

I think still bring it up because...

I don't think I have the truth.
I don't think he really feels he has done much wrong, so it's like I'm waiting for a bulb to go on in his head where he goes "Shit, I'm sorry, I actually did really hurt you." In all our conversations about this I have never really got this from him. I feel like he says sorry only because it's expected.

OP posts:

Thinkingofausername1 · 06/08/2017 12:16

I'm sorry to hear what you have been through. Personally, if i found my dh had done that and been making fun of my physical disability it would be a deal breaker for me. This is not going to do your self esteem any good. When you go through depression or any sort of illness you need support and love not this kind of deceitful behaviour. It's a LTB from me!!!

namechangingagainagain · 06/08/2017 12:23

Op.
You may never get the truth. The truth will always be filtered by him.
You know he had an affair. He probably had sex. He was really horrible about you with her....When u needed him most. What do you want from him? If you want gory details,why? What is it going to achieve?

If you feel you need to let him know how you feel then go to therapy and let it ok.... Then let it go.... Neither of you can move forwards otherwise.

namechangingagainagain · 06/08/2017 12:28

I found the Shirley glass book not just friends helpful ( DH read it too).

Loopytiles · 06/08/2017 12:31

So he hasn't told you the truth or accepted responsibility.

Loopytiles · 06/08/2017 12:32

What's your financial/work situation now? That is if you decide to end the relationship could you afford somewhere to live etc?

Marinade · 06/08/2017 12:35

It sounds very likely that he had an affair. The messages he sent shone a true light on his character - he was vile and cruel to mock you at a time when you were at your most vulnerable, as if betraying you was not bad enough. If he has the capacity to behave in such an atrocious manner that then it understandable that he is not suffering any residual guilt whilst unfortunately you are living with the torture every day. I don't think that you will be able to move on as the trust has gone - you cannot unknow what you know and sadly you cannot change somebody's character. They are who they are. I wish you all the best however if you do decide to try counselling.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 06/08/2017 12:39

I really feel for you OP. My ex did this to me 3 times (that I know of) including when I was pregnant/just had a baby. I didn't so much work at the relationship as slave away at it desperate to make it work to not be the one to "ruin the childrens' lives by ending our relationship" but.... it ate away at me. It chipped away at my self esteem and made me hate myself. I did leave in the end due to DV so on an unrelated matter (although his cheating was used as a way to abuse and torment me).

I truly think that as your husband has never truly owned up to exactly what went on (he's denied sleeping with this woman when actually you're probably right and they did) and he only said sorry when he was caught you have not and never will get closure and should call it a day. I know it's easier said than done, oh God do I know! But you are doing yourself and in turn your children a huge disservice by staying with an utter shitbag of a husband.

As for him being a "great father" he's really not. Instead of concentrating on helping you, the mother of his then baby get well from PND by being a supportive partner he was using it as a way to get a shag from someone else. He was using your mental health as a cheap laugh with someone else while you were struggling. You deserve better than that and so do your children. I'd let him go to her as she sounds a nasty cunt too. They deserve each other.

annielouise · 06/08/2017 12:41

I think what he did was unforgiveable - not just the affair but laughing at you with another woman behind your back when you had PND. What a prince! Not. I think you know he's a shit, no matter how much he appears to have changed. If he doesn't get what a shit he is, then he hasn't changed. And you feel short changed by him. You gave up everything for someone that wasn't worth it.

Your choices are harsh - stay and continue to feel like this (you've said he says sorry because he feels that's what's expected but you doubt he truly gets what he did to you) or leave. You're stronger now, the kids are older, hopefully you've got a job now and aren't so dependent on him. The kids will survive it.

VladmirsPoutine · 06/08/2017 12:44

I really wish you all the best.

Unfortunately I don't think that if you haven't let it go at this point you probably never will. And his actions seem as though he's just going through the motions of apologising but not really seeing the severe damage he caused to you.

I'd end it if I were you as it will eat you up inside. You will become bitter and resentful. He did this to you when you were at a very vulnerable place in life. He might be sorry but it's too much water under the bridge. How long can you feasibly keep bringing it up?

Flip

1 2 3