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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Still punishing DH for suspected affair

66 replies

Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 09:21

Looking for advice or opinions really as to whether I should just let this go.

A few years ago, DH and I went through a rough patch. I had just given birth and we weren't talking or coping very well. I had PND and was really struggling. Months went by and things seemed to get better. We even started to talk about having another baby and were in the middle of planning our wedding.
I was looking for some contact details for someone on DH phone one day and came across some messages between DH and a girl he is friends with at work. They were incredibly inappropriate, talking about private body parts, and very sexual. I ended up going through the whole chat history and they were talking about me, making fun of me being depressed (this was around the time I had just had our son and I was incredibly unhappy). There were also messages between the two of them from a business trip they both went on which seemed to imply they may have slept together.
I was so shocked and upset. I confronted my DH. He got angry at first because I had looked through his phone, but he calmed down and we spoke about it. He realised I was devastated that he had been talking to this girl, but denied anything sexual happened despite their texts. We eventually got married and soon after had another baby. Though this was a couple of years ago, I just can't let this go. I am very often angry at him and whenever we argue I bring it up again. He keeps saying he's sorry and he knows it was wrong to talk to her. But feel like I'll never know the truth and that I can never really trust him again. Do I just let this go and accept that I'll never know for sure?

OP posts:

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 06/08/2017 12:46

Counselling on your own would benefit you massively OP whatever you decide to do. Getting the gory details might make you feel better for a fraction of a second because you'd have finally got the truth (although he will never ever tell you it all) but longterm you wont feel any better at all. Possibly even worse.

Counselling might be what it takes to get past it for your sake so you can move on with your life with or without him. And possibly give yourself a big enough confidence boost to kick him the fuck out of your life.

VladmirsPoutine · 06/08/2017 12:46

Sorry, to clarify my first paragraph - I mean that I don't think you will be able to let this go. It's gone too far now.

InvisibleCities · 06/08/2017 12:47

You're not hanging on to resentments, you never got closure. You shut up - like a good girl - and you did it for the sake of your child. You're not a Stepford wife. And there is no statute of limitations on damaged trust and emotional pain.

I'd advise caution when it comes to counselling though. You stand a chance of getting a rubbish equal-blame counsellor who will focus on the time passed more than the infidelity. And he did cheat. He laughed about your mental health issues just after you'd given birth?? That's something I would not be able to get past - after one month, after one decade.

Soozikinzii · 06/08/2017 12:57

I'm not sticking up for him here but there are women who find family men very attractive and it sounds like this was one of those. A woman who'd split from her partner basically tried to do this with my husband when I was pregnant with my second son .she sobbed on his shoulder and asked his advice about stuff.I could see through her straight away and told him to have nothing to do with her she was trying to make her husband jealous and she did indeed get back with him a bit later. This was 28 years ago so shows you can move on from it! Counselling may help as others have suggested xxhope it gets sorted for you .

Atenco · 06/08/2017 13:12

Get counselling for both of you and then see where you go from there, OP. I am someone who often advises to LTB but not in this situation, frankly.

I will never understand women who use the "we have a child" excuse to let themselves be treated like dirt.

I find it all too understandable, especially as, apart from this bad patch for both of them, they have a good relationship.

He laughed about your mental health issues just after you'd given birth?

Maybe this will become clear in counselling, but could it have been a nervous reaction? A way of coping?

We only have a few lines here, so not enough information. A lot of PND seems to be caused by shitty partners but, assuming that is not the case, seeing the person you love severely depressed is extremely hard.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 06/08/2017 13:22

Today 09:39 NapQueen

Very good fathers dont do what he did to the mother of their child.

From what OP says he was a v new father at time of suspected affair and has since proved himself - cheating fathers (and mothers) are capable of also being good parents- and as he seems willing to consider counselling, I'd say all is not yet lost. I don't blame you for not being able to just let it go, OP, but it sounds to me as if your relationship is worth saving and you both actually want to save it.

DropZoneOne · 06/08/2017 13:30

I stayed with my husband after he had an affair. We did have counselling, and I did have to learn to trust him again if we were ever going to move on together. It's not been easy and it took (and still takes) effort. For a while I felt he should "pay" somehow for his actions, not financially but in putting in lots of effort. But that couldn't go on forever, it was punishing him, and it did reach the point where I had to forgive.

If it were to happen again now, when I'm emotionally and financially stronger, I'm not sure I'd make the same decision. But we do what's best for us at the time.

Only you can decide if you can forgive and move on. IMO counselling would be a good first step.

eatabagofdicks · 06/08/2017 13:47

Everything @LittleMyLikesSnuffkin said

Witsender · 06/08/2017 13:56

In order for me to stay with him, even now, he would need to really own the fact that he was wrong. And tbh, it is the mockery that I wouldn't be able to get past, that disloyalty would have broken me more than the sex.

BillBrysonsBeard · 06/08/2017 14:01

Agree with Witsender.. I can see why you bring it up all the time if he hasn't properly explained and apologised for it. I like the shit under the rug analogy earlier in the thread. I wouldn't be able to get past it though, especially mocking his ill wife who has been through a really hard time. I mean WTF!? If you really do want to stay together though then this needs hashing out in counselling. Otherwise this will not stop.

matchpol · 06/08/2017 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MurrayMoo · 06/08/2017 14:33

@Celestia26 I truly wish you the best with it all and hope that counselling gets you the result you desire. I just feel so bad for you that he would treat you that way but the important thing is what you want and what makes you happy and that's a very individual thing and I hope you find it xx

Witsender · 06/08/2017 15:26

And tbh, I can completely understand why in the fog of hormones, PND and generally feeling vulnerable you would have wanted to persevere.

But now? You still have the right to walk away, even this many years on.

Neutrogena · 06/08/2017 17:05

@Celestia26
Neutrogena you're right. I'm not proud of it, and I shouldn't be doing it. Easier said than done though

Work harder at it, get counselling, etc
It's in your power to change your reaction to his previous error of judgement.
He cannot change the past you can change the future.

Original poster

Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 17:44

Thank you for all your comments. Seeing as breaking up at this point would cause more upset for us and the children I think counselling really is the way to go.

Hopefully I can finally get him to admit to everything just so we can put it behind us.

I do need to stop bringing it up everytime I'm angry or feel hurt by him, hopefully counselling will help this. Our kids are still very young and I want to avoid it affecting them as much as possible, but if things carry on as they are, they will suffer and I don't want that.

Thanks for all the compassionate comments, I really do appreciate it. Things like this are rarely simple and it helps to have other opinions.

OP posts:

Original poster

Celestia26 · 06/08/2017 17:46

DropZoneone your comment really resonated with me. Sorry you had to go through something similar.

OP posts:

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