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Original poster

To have expected a bit of a break

53 replies

Pissedoff1234 · 05/08/2017 14:21

DH is a really hands on Dad. He works full time in a pressured job but when he's at home he helps out with our 4 kids and does some household jobs regularly (changes the bin, puts the bins out, empties the dishwasher, feeds and cleans the cat out and more often than not he washes and sterilises the bottles). He also helps with other things as and when such as doing the washing or making the lunch.

Earlier this year he went away with his friends to a far away destination (one which I'd love to go to) at great cost to us. I looked after the kids including our baby who was only a few months old and still waking through the night. He went, he enjoyed it and when he came on, he just went about life as usual. There were no offers to look after the kids while I took some time for myself and he was actually a bit ill the following week, probably due to the masses of alcohol he had consumed.

I went away this week on my own, with my 3 older kids. Due to the nature of the holiday, I left my youngest with my MIL. DH went to work as usual but once home at 4:30-5:00, the night was his own. To be honest, I was a little envious of the quietness he would have, how tidy the place would be and how he could do what he liked without me or the kids.

I came back after a very tiring week and again, there was no offer of respite. I just got on with emptying the cases and starting the washing.

Today we have had a huge argument as I told him I was going to do some household jobs upstairs that would take most of the afternoon so did he need me before I went up. He asked for help making lunch. I asked if he had plans for the afternoon which he didn't. I helped but was pissed off as after lunch, he could now sit and chill in the garden with the kids while I was now going to be longer with my long job.

Apparently as I had a lie in this morning and am going out this evening for a friends hen do, I should have helped him out with his jobs and offered to make him a drink as he was having a rubbish day. When I pointed out that I had been with the kids all week, he said that didn't count as it was fun. Yes he's right but it was tiring too.

We haven't been getting on well for a while so I'm unsure if it's just me making a mountain out of a molehill or him being a twat.

Basically it feels as if his day is always worse because he has a hard job. I choose to stay at home (although I do have a small part time job when I go back after maternity leave but that isn't as pressured as his role) so therefore I must love everything about my life.

OP posts:
allegretto · 05/08/2017 14:24

It doesn't sound fair but it also sounds like you are expecting him to know this without actually spelling it out. I think you negotiate a better way of dealing with the kids and chores rather than expecting him to notice because he probably won't.

araiwa · 05/08/2017 14:26

Why dont people talk to each other

StealthPolarBear · 05/08/2017 14:28

Op I'd be the first to say he sounds like an idiot but he doesn't.
But you're not being that unreasonable either.
Soibds like you're both shattered and at that relentless, exhausting stage of parenting where you both just (rightly) feel hard done by.
I suspect he is having a slightly easier time and doesn't realise it.
Life would be much easier with the two of you as a team rather than resenting each other. I know that will take two, not just you.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/08/2017 14:30

I'm not quite sure I understand your complaint. From the outside the division of everything looks ok. Maybe you're rubbing each other up the wrong way because you're not getting on.

Original poster
Pissedoff1234 · 05/08/2017 14:31

I have spelled things out on a very regular basis and we talk all the time and the answer I get is that I stay at home so I must love it. I wanted children, therefore I must want to spend every waking moment with them and that if I wanted I should get a job. Apparently then the jobs I do all day will get done by the cleaning fairies.

He thinks he deserves more respect for the fact that he has a job and helps with the kids as a lot of his friends don't but he doesn't seem to respect the job I have of looking after his children.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/08/2017 14:33

But you've said he's a very hands on dad when he's at home, plus does a share of household chores.

araiwa · 05/08/2017 14:34

I still dont get. He works. He helps domestically. He spent all afternoon with the kids. What exactly are you wanting from him?

ConstanceCraving · 05/08/2017 14:34

Book a break with a friend?

Original poster
Pissedoff1234 · 05/08/2017 14:37

I think the cause of my annoyance today is that at lunch we had both been busy in the morning and then there were 2 jobs left. Making lunch and the big job I was doing (about 3 hours worth of work).

He wanted help making the lunch (10 min job) instead of saying that he would do it so I could get started on the big job.

A small thing I know but it happens all the time. He says this would show respect for the fact he's been at work all week but then so have I, looking after 3 children in a very busy place on my own. He doesn't think looking after kids is work.

OP posts:
DorisMcSweeney · 05/08/2017 14:39

How dare he work full time, help out with the kids and help around the house. He should at least whip himself daily.

colacolaaddict · 05/08/2017 14:40

Not wanting to minimise but to me it sounds like you are both tired and gripey, as is very normal for a family with a baby, especially with 3 older children too. The time when you have baby/toddlers is really tough on a marriage. It sounds to me like you are both essentially nice people, both tired and sleep deprived and struggling today. Having one SAHM increases the risk of you both feeling a bit hard done by too. Who's being a dick is a bit of a moot point. Keep on being nice to each other (most of the time) without being a complete doormat, and keep communicating.

SilverBirchTree · 05/08/2017 14:41

Have you asked for something concrete? He has had two recent breaks from family life (his boys trip & when he had the house to himself), why don't you say you want the same? Have a weekend away with friends or just yourself while he holds the fort.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/08/2017 14:41

But playing devils advocate here, he was also busy this morning, he was told to make lunch and then look after the kids all afternoon. So he wasn't doing nothing. And if lunch only took 10 minutes, then it was hardly a delay for you to take part and then get on with the job you wanted to get on with,

Original poster
Pissedoff1234 · 05/08/2017 14:43

I get he's a good dad and helps out. This isn't the issue. It's the fact that he thinks these things should make me want to worship him and kiss his feet yet what I do is worthless because the childcare and household jobs I do is just what I should do.

I think we should both do our fair share (which we do) with mutual respect for each other.

He regularly tells me how rubbish I am at being a housewife because some days things go wrong and things don't get done and apparently he would do a better job.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 05/08/2017 14:45

If he truly doesn't think looking after HIS kids is work, then you need to book next weekend for yourself off: leave Friday evening after he gets home and tell him you'll be back Monday morning before he leaves for work. Then go.

Don't give him tons of notice, so he can't call in his parents for help. After all, it's 'fun', not 'work', so that shouldn't be a problem at all.

And tell him you expect the house to be to it's normal standard, meals served properly, laundry done as it would be, etc. Because it's not 'work' after all, it's 'fun'. He chose to have kids, too, so he should enjoy every minute he has with them and looking after them. Parrot it back to him, then go.

Original poster
Pissedoff1234 · 05/08/2017 14:46

*Throughthickandthin
*
Yes, but according to him, looking after children isn't work as while I was away with 3 of them it was a holiday and 💯 enjoyable.

OP posts:
araiwa · 05/08/2017 14:48

Either looking after the kids is work or it isnt. Or is it only work when you do it but not him? Youve both been doing stuff for the family all day and did 5 minutes helping make lunch really make a difference?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/08/2017 14:49

But he looks after the children and is a hands on dad so so maybe he genuinely thinks looking after the kids is just great.

OlennasWimple · 05/08/2017 14:50

Ah - I think your last post has the answer to what is really going on here.

He regularly tells me how rubbish I am at being a housewife because some days things go wrong and things don't get done and apparently he would do a better job

this is shit OP, you do deserve to be treated with respect

Original poster
Pissedoff1234 · 05/08/2017 14:50

I think what I really wanted was for him to acknowledge that while fun, being on my own with my 3 was tiring. One is a very energetic 4 year old and one has SN.

It would have been nice for him to offer to make their tea and put them to bed especially as he hadn't seen them for a week and hadn't had our baby either.

If he'd had our baby this wouldn't have been a problem as he's harder than our other 3 put together.

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 05/08/2017 14:50

Some men have been conditioned to think that they deserve a medal and a parade for doing basic household tasks. I feel for you OP.

honeylulu · 05/08/2017 14:51

He doesn't sound that bad really.
You asked if he needed you for anything before you went off to do your jobs. He asked if you could help with lunch. Why offer? You could have refused anyway. Plus you say lunch was a 10 minute job, so what difference did it make?
Then you went off to do your jobs. He looked after the 4 children. Sounds fair enough.

It sounds like he has had a fair bit of time away from the family to enjoy himself/relax. Arrange some for you and tell him. If you're not assertive he may not realise. You have had a lie in and are having a night out so you're not doing too badly so far ...

My husband isn't sexist but when we had our first child and I went back to work he left most of the primary caring to me. I had to tell him I felt it wasn't fair and he should do more. He was very surprised as he thought I was loving doing it because I'd wanted a baby so much. He happily stepped up though. My point is you need to tell him clearly what you want and why do you can agree fair division.

By all means say so if you feel your homemaker role feels undervalued. Remember too to value his role as breadwinner. That's hard work too.

OlennasWimple · 05/08/2017 14:51

OP - does he get to do the fun stuff with them and you get to do the drudging stuff? Eg he gets to take them swimming and to the park you get to take them to the supermarket and nag about doing their homework?

SilverBirchTree · 05/08/2017 14:53

He's not being a good Dad if he is:

  • telling his children's mother that she is rubbish
  • showing an attitude that suggests that the role of caring for them is not important or valued.
araiwa · 05/08/2017 14:53

Do you acknowledge how tiring and stressful it must be being the sole provider for a family of 6?

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